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Sunday, January 31, 2010

I’m in love with a girl (he’s in love with a girl) named F-R-E-D Fred!



Greetings, Even Rational Integers Count---


Here is your horoscope for Sunday, January 31, 2010 (Well, ladies and gerbils, We have now officially blogged every single day since We first entered Bloggonia. That is a whopping (for those who like to count things in whopps…who does that?) twenty-four bloggations for the month of January alone. Never before in the history of Eric’s Daily Horoscope have there been twenty-four bloggations in one month. Why, think of the trees that would have to give their lives for the archival print version, if such a thing were (subjunctively) to be produced. (Although We really must get on the stick (as it (subjunctively) were) about the archival versions from preceding years. We know how all y’all are clamoring for them. Clamor, clamor, clamor…like clams, you are. If you had a clamor, you’d clamor in the morning.):


(We truly don’t mean to go on blogging about the process of blogging, even though We never met a meta We didn’t like. (Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?) But We must just mention how very tickled We were when We posted yesterday’s entry and a Barbie™ ad appeared thereon. Even more amusing are the ads that have now appeared if you go back and look at the day of the Barbie™ entry, which is here:
http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/01/im-barbie-girl-in-barbie-worldlife-in.html . Who wouldn’t want a Ladies-of-the-80s Doll? (We shall have to doublecheck that that doesn’t say “Ladies-in-their-80s”. Truth in advertising, don’t’cha know?))


(In other news, We had a dreadful night’s sleep last night. Oh, We slept, but We kept having nightmares about being in The WorkPlace, and then waking up, and then promptly going back to sleep, only to have another nightmare about being in The WorkPlace. In one of them, for example, the cubicles had been equipped with urinals, so One didn’t waste time going to the bathroom. (What One did if One had to p00p was, mercifully, not made clear to Us.) Fortunately, this tour of H3ll was all made worthwhile in the very last nightmare, which ended with the appearance of Our high school crush, looking conveniently exactly as he did in high school. Which is not particularly unusual, as that is in fact the last time We saw him. Unfortunately, We woke up just as quickly from this dream as from all the others, so a good time was not had by all. If you know what We mean. And We think you do. P3rverts.)


(Speaking of perverts, here’s this:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/sex-explained-by-pens . It is, as the title would indicate, s3x explained by pens. Bic™ pens, for the most part. It is work-safe, although what the h3ll are you doing working on Sunday, you godless heathen?)


(You say “Horse!”, We say, “Cope!”)


There are quite a few people out there in the big, wide world who are feeling a bit like they're stalled. (A horse joke, or a constipation joke? Decisions, decisions. Six of one, half a dozen of your mother.)


You might well be one of them. (What’s that supposed to mean?)


Even if 2010 is already shaping up to be a brilliant year for you, (We are d@mn near dazzled. Blinded, as it (subjunctively) were, by the light. Cut loose like a douche, or whatever those unintelligible lyrics are meant to be.)


and it actually might well be exactly that, (Whereas, in actuality, the preceding eight words might just as well have been eight random words plucked willy-nilly from a random word generator, for all the meaning they manage to convey. Observe: Hatpin echinoderm novena, inconsequentially frenulum aardvark forthwith shoe. See?)


there are many Aries who are nonetheless feeling a little stalled. (This particular Aries, however, has already p00ped like a horse this morning. (We decided that combining the jokes would be the better part of valor. (We have no idea what that means, but We are, like, totally a Valor Girl.)))


(Speaking of p00ping, from Our friends at
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com , a phrase We are trying to introduce to the common vernacular to express One’s disinclination to do something: “I’d rather sh1t a knife.” Also, for Our readers who are sportsfans: “I hate the [Insert Team Name Here] so much, I wouldn’t root for them if they were playing al Qaeda.”)


Like the New Year hasn't really started yet. (Like, totally. As in, like, that is totally not a sentence, and it also, like, totally makes no sense. @sshat.)


The good news is that where you're feeling like things aren't going to change is exactly where they ARE going to change in the not too distant future, so keep the faith. (Baha’i…how are ya?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


a little cow’ll grass ya)




Saturday, January 30, 2010

Because We’re going to the chapel and We’re gonna get married

(OhMiGod, there is totally a Barbie™ doll ad over there!)

Greetings, Embittered Rasputin Imbibed Cyanide---


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, January 30, 2010 (Well, whatever the weather is like for today’s Floridian nuptials, We are pretty d@mn sure that it is warmer there than it is here. Jeebus! (It just occurred to Us that We have the sparkly, shiny WorldWideInterWebNetz right here at Our grubby little fingertips…We are told that it will be 72 degrees today in Tampon, with (unfortunately) a 70% chance of rain. Still, all things considered, much easier to carry an umbrella in one hand and a bouquet in the other than to carry a bouquet at all when One is wearing a muff.)):


(We would insert muff jokes here, but it is not a l3sbian wedding.)


(Dear Micro$oft Weird™, We realize that We probably confuse you in Our efforts to circumvent Our Gentle Readers’ place-of-employment SP@M filters by using spellings such as “l3sbian”. However, even though you do not recognize the word “l3sbian”, surely you can perceive that it begins with a consonant, and thus refrain from suggesting that We change “a l3sbian wedding” to “an l3sbian wedding”, which would clearly sound foolish. Unless, of course, We changed it to “Ann’s l3sbian wedding”, but then, neither of the gentlemen in question is named Ann.)


(In other news, We did Our weekly grocery shopping at Our friendly neighborhood Ack-A-Me yesterday. Spent: fifty-five dollars. Saved: eighty-eight dollars. When We asked where Our eighty-eight dollars was, the check-out person actually understood the joke. (We are pretty sure that all of the check-out persons at Our Ack-A-Me want to marry Us, Our couponic legend having spread so. (Don’t even get Us started on the one who’s a heavier version of Charles Nelson Reilly. To that wedding, We shall wear Our muff over Our head.) Of course, the bloom will be off this particular rose in six months’ time, when We have become a check-out person at Our Ack-A-Me.))


(“Couponic” is, apparently, not so much a word. Who knew?)


(Despite frequent accusations of negativity, We do so strive to be optimistic and upbeat (which, for some reason, The Universe persists in misreading as Us striving to be beat up, and promptly obliges Us in). Why, We started off this very week (despite what Our records tell Us was the onset of monsoon season) by attempting to contact three, count ‘em, three of the folks who have somewhat fallen off of Our radar (and, by “fallen off of Our radar”, We mean “stopped answering Our phone calls and emails”) and doing A Very Nice Thing for some other folks. Here it is, almost a week later, and We have yet to hear a peep. And Easter is on the way, boyz and gurrlllz, there are peeps-aplenty in the stores…WHERE ARE OUR FU(KING PEEPS?)


(Meanwhile, is Peeps Aplenty a really cool stripper name, or what?)


(We now return you to your regularly-scheduled Our-O-Scope, already in progress.)


Your love life sees an extreme boost today. (What, We’re gonna switch hands?)


Maybe you meet someone new, maybe your partner takes time off to be with you or maybe you just feel the influence much more acutely than usual. (Or maybe We’re just finally gonna blow up that doll.)


Ready to show the world what you're made of? (Is the world ready for last week’s lasagna?)


Bet you are, and they're ready to see it all. (The mind fairly boggles.)


Expect one of your new admirers (Jigga WHAT?)


to possibly even bridge the gap between friend and lover -- or to at least give it a shot. (Have you seen Us lately? They’re gonna need a couple of shots. And make sure it’s the good tequila, Mockingbird.)


If you're interested, this could be the beginning of a bee-yootiful friendship. (Yeah. We’ll do the wordplay around here, @sshat.)


If you're not, try to let them down easy. (Is it just Us, or should this horoscope totally have started out “Once upon a time…”?)


Spare their feelings and don't mention that you've got so many admirers to choose from that you can afford to be picky. (Yeah. We’ll try real hard not to mention that.)


A measure of stature is the quality of your competition. (Also, a bird in the hand is worth sh1t on your palm, and nothin’ says lovin’ like shovin’ ‘em in the oven, so push-push in the bush. (We do so love Our Old Sayings and Adages here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope. We would have written fables, but Aesop beat Us to it. On the other hand, (the one with the birdsh1t on it), who would read something called “Aesop’s Daily Horoscope”? ExACTly.))


So your potential romance has a lot of very interesting people vying for his or her attention (No doubt, if they can’t even figger out their d@mn gender.)


-- this is actually great. (So We are now gonna date Tony the Tiger? Which is either b3stiality, or We’ve become a plushie. Yeah. We’ll just be staying home and having a w@nk, if it’s all the same to you.)


It means you have to be on top of your game. (“De plane, Boss, de plane! Who’s on top tonight, Boss?”)


(Hervé Villechaize jokes just never get old, do they?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


rich cowgrassian leather…)





Friday, January 29, 2010

I'm a Barbie™ girl, in the Barbie™ world…life in plastic, it's fantastic!




Greetings, Eroica Rewritten Into Chopsticks---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, January 29, 2010 (Congratulations to John G, who is getting married this weekend in (what We hope is) sunny Florida, as an example to Us all that We should just keep right on living Our lives, no matter what a bunch of @ssmunching hateful conservative allegedly “Christian” d1cksmoking tw@tlicking Repuliklan sayers-of-No decide to make fools of themselves by doing next. Someday not too long from now, people will look back at this time and the hateful bigoted prigs who are mostly having their way at this point in disbelief, much as We currently look back on the time when it was illegal for people of two different races to marry. (Which, California having been the first state to legalize interracial marriage in 1948, was not really all that long ago.)):


(And congratulations to the rest of Us, for making it through what was possibly the longest January since the beginning of recorded time, encompassing, as it did, all of February, half of March, and at least thirty-seven Mondays.)

(OurShaun, who, you will recall from several recent mentions herein, lives all the way over in London. England. Across the Atlantic. Ocean. (We have no idea why We have taken to saying it like that, but it is amusing Us, and so little these days does, so let Us have Our fun. KThxBye), enjoys sharing lists of little-known factoids with his readers. He sent out such a list today, in which he was all taken with some frippery about the speed of light or some such. Blah-blah-blah science-whatev-cakes. We, of course, were much more interested in the following:


“Barbie was not the first slutty doll available for young girls (and the odd boy). It was, in fact, Bild Lilli, based on a cartoon character who had questionable morals. Originally Bild Lilli was sold to men as a s3xual novelty item but an American woman, Ruth Handler, saw the doll and stole the concept for her Barbie for children. I think that the makers of Bild Lilli probably had good grounds to sue Miss Handler for stealing their idea.”



Okay, so, letting pass the really rude “odd boy” comment, here’s what Inquiring Minds Like Ours want to know: picture Barbie™ (see viZZUal aid above), particularly with reference to her size and her shape. Just what exactly were these men doing with their Bild Lilli dolls that was so “s3xually novel”?)


(ExACTly. Mattel™’s subsequent fortune notwithstanding, Ms. Handler might have done better to figger out how to make Bild Lilli battery-operated, so her little head would spin around. Just sayin’.)


(Aaaaaand there goes any chance of a Barbie™ ad appearing in Eric’s Daily Horoscope (off to the right there, where, if you weren’t totally ignoring Us, you’d go and click now and again, because that’s how it works here in Bloggonia, but unfortunately, you’re paying no attention to anything We say, or you think We’re kidding, but really, it’s just like those TV commercials where, for just pennies a day, you can feed an unemployed curmudgeon in Souf Philly, We’re just sayin’.))


(Meanwhile, it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “playing Barbies™”, don’t it?)


(And, lest you think We didn’t notice, Micro$oft Weird™…”frippery” is a word? We were so sure We had just made it up…)


(Our-O-Scope…)


"Push! Shove! Push! Shove! …" (That’s what Barbie™ said. (Seriously, though…what the h3ll was that?))


Full Moon is the time to let go (Thereby creating Empty Moon. Which is all well and good unless you’re behind a fat person in yoga class. Where it’s all fun and games until someone empties their moon in your eye. Like a big pizza pie. That’s a wh0re, hey!)


(What?)


and the planets couldn't agree more as Saturn squares Pluto under this Full Leo Moon. (And apparently We’ve gone from yoga class to squaredancing. Do-si-do your coroner.)


Saturn loves to prevent change. (Ah. A Republican. Who knew?)


Pluto explodes anything that's in his way. (That’s because he’s fu(king Goofy. (See, you were expecting another political joke there. And We fooled you. Consequently, hilarity ensued. Try not to p00p your Depends™. (Oh, look! Barbie™!)))


Put these two together and it's a time when what has to go is going to GO! (We’re pretty sure We’ve covered this already. Seriously. There are only so many excretory jokes We’re willing to tell in a row. We wouldn’t want to be accused of potty humor. (Let’s get this potty started.))


If there's a battle waging in your life, you could end up feeling quite battered (And probably deep-fried.)


but proud of yourself for having gone the distance. (We disdain the distance. (We don’t know why, but We just felt like saying that.))


Where you know you need to give something up - a person, a habit, smoking, meet, alcohol, you name it - it's time to LET IT GO! (Yes, Kelli…We’re going to give up “meet”. Stupid @sshatted sn@tchgobbler. She can’t even speak English properly, and yet she’s getting paid for this. We make up words like “frippery” at the drop of a Barbie™, and YouPeople won’t even click on Our ads so We can buy gruel. Hmmph.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…what’s in your wallet?)






Thursday, January 28, 2010

Don’t trust a ho, never trust a ho, won't trust a ho.

Greetings, Exxon Recently Introduced Carbonation---


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, January 28, 2010 (Even though Our days drip one after the other like identical beads of sweat down a h00ker’s @sscr@ck, We are well aware that this is one of Those Thursdays when it should be Friday already. (Parenthetically, how it is that We have yet to be named Poet Laureate is beyond Our ken. (Whoever the h3ll Ken is. We really don’t have time for the anatomically incorrect.))):


(Here is this. It is safe for work. We were going to put it here in its entirety, but it is really long. Naturally, We realize that just about as many of you will click this link as responded to Our request that you help Us out by clicking an ad yesterday, but, hey. We do what We can.
http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2010/01/stop-demanding-that-you-get-screwed.html )


(In case you’re wondering where We find some of the delectable tidbits We include here for your pleasurable perusal (including many of the pictures that adorn Our masthead (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us.)), We were introduced to The Wonderful World Of Google Reader™ by OurKevin, which is just one of the many reasons why We love him. Now, We are not going to try to sell anyone on Google…believe Us when We tell you that We do not find it particularly friendly, and many aspects of it are downright counterintuitive (which you would think would be the same thing as counterintelligence, but you would be wrong). However, the ability to tailor-make your own online “magazine” of columns you want to read on a regular basis (Eric’s Daily Horoscope leaps to mind as an example) is a beautiful thing. (Also a beautiful thing is how OurShaun manages to have Our scribblings emailed to him as they are published, all the way over in London. England. Which is across the Atlantic. Ocean. We can only imagine a Seahorse Pony Express that traverses the WorldWideInterWebNetzian tubes on the ocean floor at quite a gallop to make that little bit of magic Johnson…er, happen. (How’d that Johnson get in there, Howard?)))


(We ended that last paragraph with a creative burst of existential humor because We feared it may have been becoming a leetle too technical for all y’all, what with the seahorses and the tubes and whatnot. Also, We were a little taken aback (which is, oddly, similar to being affronted (Engrish is clazy)) that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t believe in the plural “scribblings”, thereby crushing Our hopes that Bill Gates has Eric’s Daily Horoscope programmed into his Google Reader™.)


(You say “Wh0re!” We say “Scope™!” (In keeping with the “h00ker’s @sscr@ck” theme that We began developing earlier. (Hey, if We can’t be Poet Laureate, perhaps We can snag Ourself a Pulitzer for LitterAtchure. (Those of you who are imagining alternative uses that a wh0re might have for Scope™, please get your minds out of the gutter and attempt to follow the bouncing ballz as We begin Our-O-Scope.))))


The Full Moon this weekend in your 5th house of fun (Wait a minute…We have FIVE funhouses? What the fu(k are We still doing here then?)


suggests that there is likely to be some kind of tug of war going on in your heart (There is also a three-legged race in Our pants. Or maybe We’re just happy to see you.)


- you have hopes and dreams that you know you have to work hard to make come true. (A dream is a wish your heart makes. Also, ice cream is a dish Moss Hart bakes.)


(You say “non sequitur”; We say “umbrella”.)


But you also wish you could have more fun. (Oh, please. We wish We could have any fun.)


For some, a child/creative project/romance will be demanding your attention (What the fu(k is this, a multiple choice Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)? Jeebus!)


when you know you really ought to be doing what you can to achieve your aims. (Also, to alleviate your alms, to ascribe your arms, and to archive Uranus.)


Also this month, you could find that your wider social circle takes a back seat, (Was that a fat joke? We’re pretty sure that sounded like a fat joke.)


as you focus on one person - most likely a romantic partner or prospect. (Which, We sincerely hope, is different from a prospector. Who, you will recall from cartoons, mostly have dirty beards, funny hats, and a less-than-full complement of teeth. They mostly serve as comic relief, and are completely unsuitable as the aforementioned “romantic partner”, although they may serve as sidekick to same.)


(Did We mention that the “romantic partner” in this particular cartoon is wearing @ssless chaps? (Hey, it’s Our cartoon. (Meanwhile, it was recently brought to Our attention that the phrase “@ssless chaps” is redundant. But that’s kind of okay with Us.)))


Depending on your personal cycles, (Uni? Motor? Menstrual?)


a creative project could be planted now - or come to fruition. (That’s what We need, is a fruity creative project. Quick, get Us six feather boas and a banana daiquiri!)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…manly, yes, but I like it, too.)




Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Just a spoonful of b00ger helps the medicine go down in the most delightful way


Greetings, Exactoknife™ Rips Into Cartilage---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, January 27, 2010 (So, yeah. @ssholes. The world continues to be full of them. Scientists have conclusively proven that as many as one in three people may now be an @sshole. So, look at the person to your left, then look at the person to your right. If they both appear to be fine, guess what? You’re an @sshole.):


(Of course, the way that scenario usually works out is that you look at the person to your left, then look at the person to your right, and they are both @ssholes. So much for statistics.)


(The preceding rant was brought to you by the letters F and U, and the fact that clearly, nobody received any manners for Christmas.)


(In Our LOST-related travels yesterday, We came upon (don’t worry; We cleaned it up) the following, in which the first five seasons of LOST are recapped by an extended Italian family. Enjoy.)

video

(Oh, and Happy Hump Day. No, really. Have a happy hump. On Us. Hump a hippopotamus. (Sorry…We are working on Our rapping skills. How are We doing so far?))


(Oooops…We just got distracted for a half an hour by bright, shiny Internetz. Did you know there are nekkid bois on this here Internetz thingie?)


(Our-O-Scope…)


Just remember (Oh, forget it.)


- as tempting as it is to stay home (Which is, after all, where the heart is. And, presumably all the other organs. The spleen, the pancreas, the gizzard, and whatnot. Or the whatnot. Okay, that’s it for the anatomy lesson. We shan’t be singing “I’m A Little Teapot” any time soon. Nor will We be showing you Our lovehandles, or Our spout. Nasty p3rverts.)


and be in a safe place, (Gray skies are gonna clear up…sit on Our happy face…)


the Aries who really stand to benefit in 2010 are the ones who dare to push themselves outside their comfort zone. (Push-push in the bush…)


(Is it just Us, or is it a veritable musical extravaganza in here this morning? Rap, Broadway, disco…why, any minute now We expect a yodeled lament from the Russian steppes. Jeanette MacDonald had a farm, ee-yi-ee-yi-oh…)


(What?)


(Meanwhile, Google just lit up like a Christmas tree as frenzied hordes of Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers descended upon it, demanding to know, “Who the fu(k is Jeanette MacDonald?”)


(That is, of course, if you can consider two people to be a “frenzied horde”. In other news, speaking of Our readers, do you see those ads off to the right there? (We understand if you hadn’t noticed; We, too, tend to tune out advertising.) Most of the time, they are just ugly plain text, peddling various Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s. The other day, however, there was an actual video ad, featuring a black man in a box. If you clicked on him, he crawled out of the box and said something about the SATs. We’re not exactly sure what he said, as We were just relieved that he said anything at all, and, consequently, wasn’t a mime. Of course, he also wasn’t wearing a beret, or a black-and-white striped shirt, or whiteface, but the speaking made Us 100% sure. After all, he could have been one of those new Stealth Mimes the government has been working on. (Oh, were We not supposed to say anything about that? Great…now Kiefer Sutherland is gonna show up at Our door and kill Us.))


(Our point, other than the fact that black men in whiteface look very peculiar, is couldja click an ad or two from time to time to help a brutha out? KThxBye.)


If you don't work, (And We don’t. We? Are broken.)


(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “And We don’t.” to “And We doesn’t.” The h3ll?)


it's a great time to start to - looking for a job might not be easy (Plus, there’s always the danger that you might find one.)


but the results will be worthwhile. (Hmm…only if We go looking for a job and find a winning PowerBall™ ticket instead.)


If you do work, don't hide your light under a bushel. (Are We the only ones who have always wanted that old saying (which is, in fact, biblical in origin) to be “don’t hide your pecker under a bushel”?)


Network. (Faye Dunaway at her very best.)


Show your face. (Well, of course. How else will We ever get it sat upon?)


Get yourself out there. (We are about as out there as it gets.)


Try a little harder than you've ever done before to succeed - and you will. (Begging, of course, the age-old question: if you try to fail, and you succeed, what exactly have you done?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


4 out of 5 proctologists recommend cowgrass to their patients who chew @ssholes.)



Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You all everybody…you all everybody…

Greetings, Easter Rabbit Improves Casserole---


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, January 26, 2010 (Happy birthday to Petr, who turns twenty-four today. (Twenty-four, for those who may not be as well-versed in Eric’s Daily Horoscope New Math as they would like (math is hard!), can be referred to as one’s latter early twenties, or, alternatively, as one’s early mid-twenties. Savvy conversationalists, who are also suave and debonair, choose the second alternative, so as not to appear to be bragging.)):


(Speaking of alternatives, those of you who did not use the alternatives pronunciations of “suave” and “debonair” (i.e. “swave” and “de-boner”) will have to go back and re-read the preceding paragraph. Aloud. Preferably in a bad French accent. (Alternative pronunciation: “Frawnsh”.) We’ll wait.)



(Meanwhile, long-term Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers without short-term memory problems (We may have Alzheimer’s, but at least We don’t have Alzheimer’s) may recall Our lovely and talented friends Dave and Matt, from the sketch comedy group Animosity Pierre. In this space, you will particularly recall them from their video, which We linked to last year at this time, called Previously on LOST. Well, as We are just one week away from the premiere of the final season of LOST, here they are back again with Previously on LOST: II. (Yo, Dave and Matt. If you’re in here, you’re welcome. Click on an ad or two, and help a brutha out.))




video

(Micro$oft Weird™ is attempting to tell Us that “yo” is misspelled in the paragraph preceding the video. We are in Philadelphia (alternative pronunciation: “Fluffya”) muthafu(kah (alternative pronunciation: “muthafu(kah”); how do you want Us to spell it?)


(Speaking of sketch comedy, the WaitStaff rehearsed last night at OurHouseWhereWeLive. Now, Our thermostat is set at 68 degrees for the winter. When the WaitStaff left, the temperature in OurHouseWhereWeLive was 72. Oh, yeah…We’re hawtt!)


(Okay, whoever just made the “hot air” joke needs to go here
http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and buy ten tickets. NOW! )


(Our-O-Scope…)


How's your love life? (How’s your herpes? And do you still beat your dog? Bee-yotch. Don’t they teach you in Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) School (“AHS”, for short…that’s “AHS” as in “AHSHole” (see, now that you see where the joke was going, you’ll wanna go back and read that in your best Schwarzenegger (ya know, I bet even he can’t spell his g0dd@mn name right on the first try))) not to taunt the wretched?)


(It has occasionally been brought to Our attention that Our writing may, from time to time, be overburdened with parentheticals. Fortunately, We have not yet run out of hiding places for dead bodies.)


If you know it needs a little bit of work, today's a great day for that as the planet of love, Venus, links to your planet Mars in a harmonious part of your chart. (In still other news, the planet of love P3nis links to your planet Arse in a pandemonious part of your chart. Mayhem ensues. (Every so often, Our inner seven-year-old just wants to holler out, “C0ck-a-doody!” This morning, We let him. You’re welcome.))


If you suspect that pride has been getting in the way of one or more of your most important relationships, personal or professional, now is a great time to work on that. (Yeah, pride. That’s what it is. Also, “professional relationship”? Is just another way of saying “pr0stitution”.)


And if you feel you've been a little bit distant with someone and you want to get a little bit closer, today could be the right day for it. (As any real Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) would tell you, that all depends upon Uranus.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…for that not-so-fresh feeling.)

Monday, January 25, 2010

I feel like Garbage when it rains


Greetings, Explosive Regurgitation Inundates Carnival---



Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 25, 2010 (Fortunately, today’s subject line lyric works on a literal level, so that even those who don’t get the inside joke will get a take-away message, even while those who do get the inside joke are congratulating theyselves on what clever little minkies they be. (Of course, they will have that song stuck in they heads for the rest of the day for they troubles, so there’s that.)) Meanwhile, We’re not entirely sure where we got today’s “G@y Superhero” pixture, and We cannot honestly say We’re a believer. While We can’t (as We are sure some of you will agree) totally make up Our minds about the somewhat retro fins, We are ab-so-LUTE-ly positive that We cannot get behind (as it (subjunctively) were (heh)) a supposedly G@y Superhero who for some reason eschews wearing a fabulous cape, preferably in a contrasting color, possibly in some sparkly fabric. Seriously, people.):



(We notice that We said “eschews” and no one said “gesundheit”. Manners, people. They’re what separate Us from the hedgehogs. Not to mention the Alaskans.)



(So. Christmas was one month ago today. Did We mention that We have a large percentage of Our shopping done for next Christmas? And that much of it is wrapped? Oh, We didn’t mention that? Well, remind Us to mention it later.)



(Heh.)



(So once again We published Eric’s Daily Horoscopes on both Saturday and Sunday of this weekend. Some of all y’all are possibly just catching up with those in your offices (which is different than in your orifices (because, trust Us, if you had Eric’s Daily Horoscope in your orifices, you’d know about it (if you’re happy and you know it, have the clap))) this morning, while others enjoyed them as they appeared. If you have a free (or at least a cheap) moment, leave Us a comment about your Eric’s Daily Horoscope reading habits, won’t you? KThxBye.)



(For those of you who missed the weekend entirely, Number One, please leave Us the contact info for your recreational drug dealer, and Number B, here is a plug for Our show: We betook Ourselves (well, MizGerreGarrett betook Us) to see the World Café on Friday. Oh, my dears! You will be beside your very selves when you come to see Our show on February 19th! (Well, actually you will hopefully be beside a whole lot of other people who have also come to see Our show. We were using a colorful figger of speech. (Which is, naturally, the polar opposite of a colorless jigger of bleach.)) The problem with their website is all cleared up, so toddle on over and make those reservations now:
http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 )



(OUR-O-Scope…)



(Oh, but before We do that…another movie all y’all can delete from your Netflix queue: The Mysteries of Pittsburgh. Now, Our first clue that this was gonna suck should have been that We read the novel on which it is based years ago and have no earthly recollection of it. We do, however, know that it is based in Pittsburgh (duh) because that is where the author is from, and that it may be semi-autobiographical, and We are pretty sure that the point of the novel, at least, wasn’t that Pittsburgh was some city full of hicks. Even, however, if that were the point, Our second clue that this fillum was gonna suck was when the female lead opened her mouth for the first time and hauled off to start speaking in a never-explained generic Southern accent. Hello, Pittsburgh? Not so much in the South. And, while there most certainly is a Pittsburghian accent, it is about as far from Southern as you can get (unless you happen to live in, oh, I don’t know, Philadelphia). Nick Nolte wandered through the proceedings at several points (paying for traffic tickets, no doubt) and there was g@y s3x with an ugly guy (who, for clarity’s sake, We will point out was not Nick Nolte, but might as well have been). Jeebus.)



(NOW, Our-O-Scope…)



If you're one of the Aries who's starting to suspect your powers of intuition are on the increase (Hmmm…is there such a thing as “untuition”? Because, if there is, We has it.)



then don't fight it and don't doubt it. (Don’t fight the funk. Or, to be emphatic, don’t fight the fu(kin’ funk. Actually, don’t fu(kin’ fight the fu(kin’ funk, you fu(kin’ funk-fightin’ muthafu(ker.)



(What?)



Your chart is being super-energized in terms of you being able to access that part of your brain that is connected to All Life Everywhere and knows The Truth. (The Truth, in this case, being that the very idea of being connected to “All Life Everywhere” is totally disgusting.)



And if you think that all sounds very New Age, then in this case, you're wrong, sorry! (Oh, We’re wrong? This from the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) C00zelick who thinks that Our “powers of intuition are on the increase”? The h3ll you say…)



These teachings have been around for literally thousands of years. (Well, no wonder they smell like that, then.)



But you're now the sign best-placed to tune into them!



(Maybe if We just ignore her, she’ll go away.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:



http://www.humorscope.com



cowgrass, take me away )

Sunday, January 24, 2010

You're breaking my heart, you're shaking my confidence daily

Greetings, Ethiopian Restaurant Induces Cachexia---


(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to know the word “cachexia”. It wants Us to change it to “Cecilia”. Which would really p1ss Us off if Our name were (subjunctively), say, Cecilia. Which it isn’t. But you knew that already. In fact, We are hard-pressed to think of anyone We know whose name is Cecilia. Although We bet We could think of such a person before We could think of someone whose name is Cachexia. Presumably, such a name would be more common in the former Soviet Socialist Republics. Or Alabama.)


(Never mind the fact that, despite knowing more words than Micro$oft Weird™, We are still somehow without a jawb. Ob-la-dee, ob-la-dah, etc.)


Here is your horoscope for Sunday, January 24, 2010 (We really have nothing to report, but We didn’t want to break Our streak of indeed being Eric’s DAILY Horoscope since entering the Wonderful World of Bloggonia. So Happy Day-Before-Just-Another-Manic-Monday, which We shall hereby christen Satanic Sunday. (The irony of christening something “Satanic” is not lost upon Us. Presumably, there is boiling holy water involved.)):


(That, those of you with counting fetishes will note, is the second “presumably” so far today. Clearly, there’s a whole lot of presumption going on. Why, it’s downright conspicuous presumption. Dare We say, extreme presumption. It may, in fact, be the Feast of the Presumption.)


(If the preceding paragraph amused you in any way, please seek professional help. Immediately.)


Just about anything tricky you're going through in your life now can be seen as some kind of divine purification. (We’re not quite sure how exactly to take that. We are, after all, about as pure as One can be, what with Our virginity having grown back and all. Pure as the driven yellow snow, We are. 99 and 44/100ths percent pure, just like that p0rno slut on the Ivory Snow™ box. (Do they still make Ivory Snow™? And is there still a slut on the box? Inquiring minds want to know…(We just went off to see the Google (the wonderful Google of Oz)…it would appear that Ivory Snow™ still exists, presumably (heh) sans slut-on-the-box. Here is the Snopes page re: said slut
http://www.snopes.com/risque/porn/chambers.asp which is most notable for cluing Us in to the existence of a book entitled Don’t Bend Over In The Garden, Granny; You Know Them Taters Got Eyes, which We are pretty sure We shall have to read immediately.)))


Yes, that sounds weird and even a bit out there and voodoo but it doesn't have to be seen like that. (Oh, yes. Yes, it does.)


Two of the most intense planets are clashing across two of the most important parts of your chart. (Way to be specific, Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist). Which two planets, and what two important parts?)


There is drama and there is room for healing. (There’s also a lady from Ealing who p1ssed on the ceiling, but that’s neither Frigidaire.)


The way to take all the celestial benefits that are on offer is to put up as little resistance as you possibly can manage. (Finally! Some advice We may actually be able to follow. Please watch, while We do as little as possible.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


99 and 44/100ths % pure cowgrass )

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana there was U2 and Blondie and music still on MTV



Greetings, Even Religious Incumbents Chortled---


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, January 23, 2010 (We weren’t even going to do this today, but then We woke up at the cr@ck of @ss, and were subsequently informed (via the WorldWideInterWebNetz…you don’t think We’d be writing this if there were someone here) that it is National Pie Day. So We didn’t want to let the day go by without wishing all y’all Happy National Pie Day, on the off chance that one of ya would get inspired to bring Us a pie. (Yes, We will accept pizza pie.)):


(Speaking of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, that joint is jumpin’ this AM, possibly to make up for its lack of activity this week. Thanks to OurShaun, who pointed out that, when all else fails, you should read the instructions, We will now be notified via email immediately when you make a comment on Our scrawlings here in Bloggonia, so comment away! (OurShaun is weekending in Berlin. Don’t’cha just love Europeans? We go to the Jersey shore for the weekend; they go to the South of France. You say “potato”, I say “vichyssoise”; you say “tomato”, I say “aspic”. Potato! Vichyssoise! Tomato! Aspic! This ain’t a very good song…))


(Before anyone complains, We are well aware that Berlin and the South of France are not the same place. We were waxing poetic. (Well, with one hand, anyway.) Also, We were distracted by being so impressed with Ourselves for spelling “vichyssoise” correctly on the very first try. (Meanwhile, how funny a word is “aspic”? Doesn’t mean at all what it sounds like it should mean, does it?))


(Also from the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning, this bit of wisdom from a friend of a somewhat existential bent: No matter how high a duck can fly, you can always break a window with a hammer.)


(And finally, We betook Ourselves (well, MizGerreGarrett betook Us) to see the World Café yesterday. Oh, my dears! You will be beside your very selves when you come to see Our show on February 19th! (Well, actually you will hopefully be beside a whole lot of other people who have also come to see Our show. We were using a colorful figger of speech. (Which is, naturally, the polar opposite of a colorless jigger of bleach.)) The problem with their website is all cleared up, so toddle on over and make those reservations now:
http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 )


(Before We begin, We should also point out, for those of you who thought today’s pixture was a bad drag queen, that it is, in fact, an actual real live woman, attending, of all things, the Golden Globes (which always sounds like a t1tz joke to Us, but isn’t).)


Focus on keeping your home or work space uncluttered and productive -- you need less stress in your life! (Then stop using random interrobangs! To create a false sense of excitement! You cr@ck-addled c00zelick!)


Sometimes all it takes is a quick purge of unnecessary stuff to help you cope. (No, the quick purge is to help you DIET; recreational drugs are for coping. Jeebus.)


Feeling blue? (No. Chartreuse, with a cerise and puce border. (What kind of @sshole question was that?))


Thinking about how great it would be if a huge party would suddenly, magically arrive on your doorstep? (We will happily settle for one pizza delivery boi. With or without a pizza, if you receive Our meaning.)


Well, you do have certain options: (Yes, there’s ignorance, and then there’s apathy. We don’t know, and We don’t care.)


(Those of you who type as poorly as We do will no doubt not be stunned to learn that “igmornance” is not a word.)


You can arrange for a mini-break in the action -- and if you have someone who's game to play hooky with you, that might not be such a bad idea. (Honey, if We findz Ourseff somebody to play with, We ain’t gonna be playin’ no “hooky”. HookER, maybe, but not hooky.)


Aren't you due for a day off? (Hmmm. Possibly. Let Us just ring for the butler to bring Us a calendar…)


Think of it this way: Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. (In which case, We are Well And Truly Fu(ked. And not in a good way.)


So it's just as important to tend to it carefully. (Oh, so that’s why everybody keeps spreading “fertilizer” all over it? Metaphorically speaking, of course.)


Right? (The opposite of left is right; the opposite of right is wrong…so anyone who’s left is wrong…right?)


You're living in a material world, (And I am a material girl. (Oh, please…who wasn’t thinking that? (Does she still sing that song? Because We’re pretty sure “I am a material menopausal grandmother” wouldn’t scan properly…)))


and material things transmit certain messages. (Speaking (obviously very loosely) of singing, We chanced upon twenty seconds of The Haiti Hootenanny on television last night. Beyoncé (did We really just type “café” so We could steal its “e” and give Beyoncé her accent mark? Why, yes; yes, We did) was caterwauling about “I see your halo, Haiti”. Um, no. Falling victim to a natural disaster does not immediately catapult one to sainthood. (Nor, Pat Robertson, does it make one the devil, as you shall no doubt learn when you are finally consigned to your Very Special Place in H3ll.) Shut up, Beyoncé.)


(We just noticed that the last paragraph had both “caterwauling” and “catapult” in it. If We were (subjunctively) to replace “disaster” with “catastrophe”, all We would need would be a caterpillar piloting a catamaran. Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar.)


That doesn't make you shallow, though. (Oh, no, honey…We deep. REEEEAAALLL deep. In fact, you’re gonna wanna think about tying a two-by-four to yo’ @ss, or you might fall in.)


Think of matter as being a manifested spirit. (Also, think of Love as a Many-Splendored Thing. (What the fu(k are you talking about???))


What do the physical details about your new suitor say? (Dunno…We haven’t finished inflating him yet.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


McCowgrass …over 5 billion served.)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Moon River, wider than a mile




Greetings, Egested Ravioli Inconveniences Choirmaster---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, January 22, 2010 (Happy Friday, Boyzzz and Gurrrlllzzz! Here in Greater Bloggonia, We are in a constant state of awe at just how un-user-friendly the Google is. Our latest complaint is that We can’t get it to notify Us when all y’all comment on Our blog. So if any of you Highly Trained Computer Professionals could let Us know how to do that, We’d be grateful. Although We shan’t hold Our breaths…We noticed that yesterday was apparently Nobody Goes On The WorldWIdeInterWebNetz Day, and nobody bothered to tell Us about that.):


(Before We begin today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope proper (you sweet chopper, Betty Proper (did that sound Chinese to you? Because it sounded Chinese to Us, and We have no idea why)), We offer you the following Moving Picture (ain’t technology wunnerful?). It is a French AIDS prevention commercial. (Don’t let the Frenchosity put you off…you don’t need to unnerstand a word of French to get it. (On the other hand, you should let the Frenchosity clue you in that it’s probably Not Safe For Work. (That “Not Safe For Work” does not apply to Our Sistah Ovella or OurJoshie, both of whom actually work in AIDS prevention. (“Not Safe For Work” presumably also does not apply to people who work for p0rno movie companies, but We don’t happen to know any of them (that We know of), so that’s neither beer nor hair.)))))
















video

Now could be a testing time (A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo™ factory. The Personnel Manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8.00am. The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the Personnel Manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says "I am sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, I said, your job is to give Elmo "two test tickles".)


(Now, mind you, through the Miracle Whips of Modern Technology™, We did not have to type that whole joke. In fact, all We had to do was search “two test tickles” and We found the text on the first try. It gave Us a few moments of difficulty till We realized that the original had been in a white font on a black background, but that’s neither queer nor Cher.)


(Ooops…did We do all of this in the middle of an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sentence? Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)


as we get a chance to see how well the ideas we've put into the Great Mixing Pot are going to take off. (Okay, “the Great Mixing Pot”? The h3ll? Just because you capitalize something doesn’t automatically make it a known household phrase. Especially not in this household, you Cr@ckaddled C00ze.)


(Heh. See what We did there? Meanwhile, this just in: in an effort to scope out the lay (heh) of the land at the World Café Live (which We have never seen), We are off to a free lunchtime concert of Freelance Whales and Danny Barnes. You, naturally, are peeing green envy. (We, naturally, don’t even know if that’s one group or two.))


In other words, ideas and propositions we put in place at the time of the New Moon, which was an eclipse, no less, get their first challenge around about now as the Moon squares the Sun. (Wow. That was a whole lot of technical jargon there. To simplify, here is what you should take away from it: We’re gonna moon your son. Okay? Okay.)


If an idea has legs, (With Our luck, it would probably learn to tapdance. In Our brain.)


and gets through this patch, (Who else was thinking “snatch patch”? Just Us? Liar, liar, pants on fire.)


you can expect the next hint that you're on the right track in about another week's time, at the time of the next Full Moon. (We shall wait with bated breath. (Which is, as long-time readers are well aware, different from baited breath. Which means you have a worm in your mouth.)


(What?)


Are you meant for each other? (Non sequitur, to the white courtesy phone please.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass …it’s not just for breakfast any more.)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

If they don’t love it, they can shove it; frankly, I don’t care

Greetings, Evolving Reptiles Intimidate Creationists---


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, January 21, 2010 (Happy birthday to Brandon, who turns twenty-four today in MaryLand or some such place. Y’all should come visit the Yankees sometime.)


(Well, ladies and g3nitals, goys and burrrlllzz, We trust that you are all saving the date Friday, February 19, at 7:30PM, when your favorite sketch comedy group, the WaitStaff, will triumphantly return to strut and fret the boards of the World Café Live! Tickets will be on sale through the World Café website shortly, as soon as a small pricing snafu is unsnarled, but watch this space for news of some possible discounted tickets. Because We may actually have that power. In the meantime, do visit Us at Our website
http://www.thewaitstaff.com and become Our fan on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471 , if you haven’t already.)


(And, really, since We last spoke, all We’ve done is have a WaitStaff rehearsal, so We’ve really nothing to report. But, lest all y’all feel cheated, Eric’s Daily Horoscope being, ya know, free and all, here to disrupt your workday and completely undermine the capitalist system is this:
http://firstpersontetris.com/ . Here is the warning it came with: “Don't try this. It is a total waste of time. You will be mad at me that I sent this out. Don't blame me for any lost productivity. And it's harder than you think it will be.” You’re welcome.)


It's all about turning off, tapping and tuning in for you now Aries, maaan. (Okay, did she seriously say, “maaan”? We suppose that, between that and today being the dawning of the sign of Aquarius, We should rev up Our well-oiled publicity machine (don’t’cha just love it when We talk dirty? To the animals? (The animals, the animals, let’s talk dirty to the animals…(A whole bunch of first-time twenty-four year-olds are currently scratching their shiny little heads. Meanwhile, everyone Our age promptly answered, “Fu(k you, Mister Bunny; eat sh1t, Mister Bear.” (Life is a cabernet, you scum.)))) Now where were We? Oh, yes…revving up Our well-oiled publicity machine to mention that Our even Yankee-er brethren to the north, in Greater Bostonia to be exact, will be performing Hair the very same weekend that the WaitStaff are strutting and fretting. So, obviously, Friday night you see the WaitStaff, then you wing on up to Woonsocket, Rhode Island for America’s best tribal love rock musical. Info and tickets here:
http://www.counterproductionstheatre.com/ (Yes, We are geographically challenged, but even We are aware that Woonsocket, Rhode Island is not in Boston. But (A.), if you’ve ever looked at a map of Nude England, they have all these really teeny tiny little states. It’s like state tapas. Or Chinese food…half an hour later, you want another state. And (2.), does Assachusetts actually deserve to be entertained at this point? We don’t think so.))


(We just re-read that paragraph (as should you) so We could be sure We had savored each and every bonny mot, and now We are wondering…if they are even Yankee-er, can We call them Yankers?)


It's all about what you feel to be true to you. (This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.)


(Aaaaannndd….SCENE! Did I get it? Huh, huh, did I? (Yeah, folks. We can really imagine Us being cast in some Shakespeare play. Please. There’s not a theatre company in this city that could afford the tights to encompass this @ss. It is the moon, and Juliet’s the Sun, and this is Uranus, and here’s my love handles, and here is my spout.))


(Oh, sure, it wasn’t particularly hilarious, but how the h3ll many other people do you know who could pull off a Shakespearean “I’m a Little Teapot” joke?)


It's all about trying to learn to have faith to trust your gut (Hey! We do the fat jokes around here, Bee-Yotch.)


- something you know you should do. (What about someONE We know We should do?)


While having the sense not to try and trick yourself and talk yourself into something. (Number One, that’s not a sentence, and Number B, We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.)


We create our own reality with our thoughts, agreed, (When We talk to G0d, We are said to be praying, but when G0d talks to Us, We are said to be schizophrenic.)


but if we're trying to create something which requires someone else's participation, (Hello, Beast With Two Backs!)


it's folly (Zaniness! Idiocy! Lunacy! Madness! Mayhem! Insanity! Aspidistra! Ratatouille! Chandelier! (Sorry…what were We talking about?))


not to face up to the fact that that requires co-creation. (We’re pretty sure that, if We all do some coke, We’ll get very creative. That’s why she didn’t say that it requires co-co-creation…because if you snort lines of cocoa, all you’re gonna do is burn your nose. (Although the behavior of that bird on the Cocoa Puffs™ commercials might lead one to believe differently. (It’s a breakfast cereal! It’s a recreational drug!)))


(When he got there, what did he see? The youth of America on LSD.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com



I’m cuckoo for cowgrass puffs!)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Get fu(ked...at least I'm living, living on a dead end street

Greetings, Estonian Republic Invades Chad---


(Chad screams like a schoolgirl.)


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, January 20, 2010 (We would wish you a Happy Hump Day, but then We would have to scrounge up a Hump Day joke, and, seriously people, it’s been waaaay too long for that even to be funny.):


(Thanks to MizCynthia for pointing out to Us the existence of today’s pixture. We needed something cheerful around here. We have absolutely nothing to say about Assachusetts, except that We would like to go there and slap some people around. And the people on the receiving end of Our slappage would not be Republicans. When will you idiots understand that Our. Enemies. Want. Us. DEAD? They are not playing a game, so We don’t get to play a game. Jeebus.)


(Hmmm…it appears We did have something to say. And there’s plenty more where that came from, but typing is a b1tch.)


(And now, speaking of health care, here’s a word from Our sponsor about Seasonal Affective Disorder…We has it. Bad. And the fact that the weather has somewhat moderated itself and the sun is shining really doesn’t have any effect on it. We are unmotivated, We are worthless, and We have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Our phone calls and emails go unreturned, and We shall ultimately lose Our health insurance and contract some mysterious soap opera ailment which renders Us less attractive than We already are and necessitates the wearing of a veil if We go out in public at all. Which We won’t. Sigh.)


(There…surely that cheered everybody right up!)


(OUR-O-Scopes…)


As the Moon goes through your sign today, (Oh, sure…something else that can go wrong.)


expect for some of the emotional issues which have been on a slow boiler on the back burner to start to bubble over. (Well, there’s that “something to look forward to” that We didn’t have a minute ago. Yay.)


If you know there's something in your life which is just too hard to deal with, (Well, there’s getting out of bed in the morning. Then Johnny Depp never calls. Also, now that we’re so fat that We eclipse the sun, We seem to collect astonishing quantities of belly button lint. (Come to think of it, We’re not exactly surprised that Johnny Depp never calls.))


(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “so fat that We eclipse the sun” to “so fast that We eclipse the sun”. Why, g0d, why?)



if others are doing too much taking and not enough giving, (Others? Are mainly avoiding Us like the plague.)


this is the moment to see what you can do to set things to right. (Shouldn’t that be either “set things right” or “set things to rights”? Where are Our Eric’s Daily Horoscope Grammar Harpies? (We just attempted to sort this Our Own Self. All We were able to ascertain is that “set things right” got 2,810,000 Google hits, while “set things to right” and “set things to rights” got 423,000 and 425,000 respectively. Which tells Us absolutely nothing, except, of course, that We continue to be worthless. We did, however, in Our travels, encounter the following charming declaration: “I am a collector of vintage French p0rnographic postcards. Any other collectors out there?” which We are sure is code for something or another. Anyone? Beuller?))


(You did all realize that you had to read “I am a collector of vintage French pornographic postcards. Any other collectors out there?” in your worst possible PePe LePew, didn’t you?)


You have a lot of lessons to learn (Oh. Yay. Lessons. To learn. That sounds like a lot of work…)


from the people in your life right now (Jigga who?)


but it doesn't have to be a one-way street. (Of course not. This is Our life. It will be a no-way, dead-end street. With a broken street lamp. And tumbleweeds. Lined with abandoned storefronts. Which used to sell things We don’t buy anyway. Sigh.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


depression hurts. Cowgrass can help )

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I’m feeling transcendental…am I here?


Greetings, Earth’s Revolution Inspired Che---


(Edited to add: this would not be so tardy this morning, but apparently Windows™ took it upon itself to “improve” something on Our computer during the night , and it took Us a while to realize that said “improvement” was the source of the sluggishness and general computerial malaise. We have now eliminated the “improvement” and are continuing apace. Fu(k you, Windows™.)


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, January 19, 2010 (Before you even ask, We have no idea where We got today’s pixture, or what made Us preserve it amongst Our files. But We thought you would enjoy it today, as you are busy taking down the Martin Luther King Day tree. For those who enjoyed yesterday’s pixture, that came from here
http://www.smashingapps.com/2010/01/17/40-stunning-examples-of-high-speed-photography.html , courtesy of Our lovely and talented Kevin.):


(Meanwhile, if you are a resident of Massachusetts, please go and vote in today’s special election and keep That Freak out of the senate. (Are We the only one who envisions teabagging when We hear about these people?)



(The video is a clip from John Waters' Pecker. If you imagine that that's safe for work, then g0d bless both you and your imagination. (Well, there was going to be a video clip up there of teabagging. Apparently there are technical difficulties, and We don't have time to be @rsed.))

As an extra added attraction, a little birdie (if, by “little birdie”, you mean “SitOnMyFaceBook”) told Us that, if you happen to be registered to vote in Salem, you may actually witness Our lovely and talented Kevin and Our equally lovely and talented Gregory G0DD@MN! G. voting together. We’re pretty sure We just gave birth to a cute cuddly puppy just thinking about it. (Or something cute and cuddly happened in Our Depends™…We’re trying to type with two hands like a Highly-Trained Professional, so We can’t exactly check just now. (Sure does smell like a puppy, though.)))


(In other news, apparently Our scathing review of Humpday yesterday prevented Our Sistah Ovella from Netflixing same. And that is just the sort of public service We aim to provide here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope. Saving all y’all time and money, one Gentle Reader at a time. (Is it just Us, or does “Netflixing” sound like something out of a World War II movie? Or possibly Hogan’s Heroes:


Colonel Klink: Sergeant Schultz, ze general vill be here at any moment. Have you finished Netflixing ze prisoners?


Sergeant Schultz: I know nussing.


Why We don’t write for television, We’ll never know.))


You're due some good times (Good times and bum times, I’ve seen ‘em all and, my dear, I’m still queer.)


and some good news in the relationships departments (Wait…there’s a whole department for that?!? Where’s Our pink slip? <…Donald Trump…>You’re fired!<.../...Donald Trump...>)


(You’re picturing Us in a pink slip now, aren’t you? It’s a shame We had no warning, or We’d’ve shaved Our legs.)


and it shouldn't be too far away now. (Far is relative. It is also, if you don’t pronounce your Rs properly, a long, long way to go. And, if you’re an Englishwoman playing a German (Austrian?) woman who should be speaking/singing in German (Austrian?), pronouncing your Rs properly is the least of your worries. (Meanwhile, it occurs to Us that that movie (The Sound Of Muzak, for the dimwitted amongst you) would be vastly improved by a few appearances of Colonel Klink and Sergeant Schultz. The h3ll with television, We wanna write for da MOVIES! ))


For some it's going to be romantic news, of course. (Oh, “of course”. Don’t’cha hate people who say “of course” as though that makes whatever idiocy they’ve just spouted the gospel truth. “And then, a battalion of winged monkeys flew out of my @ss playing The Star-Spangled Banner on the bassoon, of course.” Shaddup. Of course.)


You know who you are! (Also, We know who you are, and We saw what you did. Of course.)


For others, it could be good news connected to a friend or a work contact. (A horse is a horse. Of course, of course.)


(WI-I-I-I-I-I-I-ILLLBURRRR!!!!)


Work in particular is looking very promising (Well, We promise to work eventually.)


at the moment as Venus heads for a link to Saturn. (And yet, not a single mention of Uranus. Hmmm…)


If you need to firm up any working relationships, now is a very good time to do it. (Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you read, you begin with Kenny G; when you sing, you begin with Peggy Lee.)


(What?)


Mercury is no longer going backwards so what's agreed to now is more likely to stick. (To Uranus?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes. Of course.


http://www.humorscope.com



the hills are alive with the sound of cowgrass…)

Monday, January 18, 2010

Then you career from career to career

Greetings, Entropy Reorganizes Introvert’s Closet---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 18, 2010 (Happy Martin Luther King Day, everyone! It has just come to Our attention that today is a day of volunteerism (who even knew that was an actual word? And yet, Micro$oft Weird™ accepted it without batting an eye (or crossing a T (or rolling a J)), so We have volunteered to write a horoscope, to entertain those poor schnooks among you who do not have today off. We shall save you some Martin Luther King Day cookies for later when you come over to exchange presents. We can’t wait to see what you got Us!):


(Meanwhile, courtesy of Our Robin, here's this: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/01/2009-the-year-in-painfully-polite-and-hilariously-hostile-notes/ )


(Ordinarily, people (heh), on an Eric’s Daily Horoscope Monday morning, We would be telling you all about Our weekend. But, in an unprecedented epipleptic feizure of creative enterprise, We wrote Eric’s Daily Horoscopes on both Saturday and Sunday of this weekend, leaving Us very little weekend remaining to talk about. (Which, come to think of it, is an extra special treat for those of you who are working today, and who only read Eric’s Daily Horoscope on work days. You’re welcome.) So We are going to tell you all about a movie We watched called Humpday, and thereby save you the time and trouble.)


(The premise of this offense against taste and decency (oh, dear…have We given Our opinion away already?) is “two str8 guys decide to make a g@y p0rno film”. Now, you could imagine how wacky, zany, madcap hijinks might ensue, if the movie were (subjunctively) made with Steve Carell and Jim Carrey. Or how a dramatic journey to self-discovery would win Oscars™ all around for Jake Gyllenhaal and Johnny Depp (We will pause here while MizCynthia locates the smelling salts (Hi, MizCynthia!)). This is not that movie. In this movie (which is so indie it was made by Indians in Indianapolis during the Indy 500), the str8 guys in question “decide” to make the p0rno to impress some hipster friends who are running a “p0rn-film-as-art” contest. Yeah, right. This would be your first clue that the script was written by a woman. And not just any woman, but a woman who clearly comes from a planet where there are no men. Because a woman from this planet who had a functional brain in her head, or a str8 guy, or even a g@y guy writing this script would know that, if two truly str8 guys are actually contemplating having s3x with each other, there had better be a big-@ss pile-o-money involved, or ain’t nobody gonna buy it. We’re just sayin’.)


(Can We get a “h3ll, yeah!” from Our str8 boi readers? ThankYouVeryMuch.)


(Now, having totally bungled the premise, you would think that MissWoman would at least have written a script. But, oh, no, MissWoman was too busy directing and acting in her back alley ab0rtion to bother typing anything up. Entire scenes, sez she proudly, were improvised by the actors. Please permit Us to inform you just how badly improvisation in any form sucks the sh1t out of dead rats. KThxBye.)


(Then, as if that weren’t (subjunctively) all bad enough, the rancid rotting cherry on the diarrhea sundae (that would be a word pixture that We painted there…you’re welcome) was the casting. Even with all the cards stacked against them, We could imagine Steve Carell and Jim C, or Jake and Johnny, somehow pulling this off (that there was a little pun for Our British readers). But, as you may have already guessed from the fact that MissWoman put her own self in the picture, William Morris and CAA weren’t exactly on her speed dial. So into the two male lead roles she casts the two men in all of Hollywood (indeed, possibly in all the world) that you’d least like to see n@ked and/or having s3x, with each other or with anyone else (with the possible exception of Nicolas Cage and Ben Stiller, but maybe that’s just Us). In fact, for the egregious offense of having appeared in this movie, not only should these two improvising @ssclowns be prohibited from ever being n@ked again, not only should they be barred from any future s3x act, they shouldn’t even be allowed to have p3nises.)


(So there. We have hereby saved you ninety minutes of your life. You’re welcome.)


Mercury is now going forwards again - which means that life should start to seem more straight-forward. (Actually, it’s straight-ahead and GAYLY-forward. (Is anyone else having trouble getting rid of the image of Nicolas Cage and Ben Stiller having s3x in a pile of backhair? Just Us? Alrighty then.))


There will be fewer people throwing temper tantrums and/or acting madly confused - gasp! - some recently-elusive people will even start returning their phone calls and emails! (We will believe that when We see it. Although We’ll be giving out some second chances for same later in the day, so be prepared. Yes, We mean YOU.)


For you, Mercury has been going backwards in your TENTH HOUSE (don’t HOLLER! (Holla!))


of career. (Well, We can name one indie film director who won’t be hiring Us any time soon…)


If you've been going round the houses at work, making silly mistakes, enduring upsets with colleagues or co-workers and generally wishing you could get away from it all to a place where you don't need to go to the office, that was Mercury retrograde for you! (Actually, that was the past six months. And this morning, when We woke up to p33 at the time when We used to have to get up to go to work, We were ever-so-glad to go right back to sleep. (After we p33d, mind you. (Which We got out of bed to do. (Just to be clear.))))


(Before We changed it to “p33”, We had initially typed “pee”. Micro$oft Weird™ wanted Us to change it to “peek”. The h3ll?)


Today as Mercury changes directions, you can expect one last blast of mayhem. (which will no doubt be followed by dismayhem. (Heh. See what We did there?))


And after that? (Apres moi, le splooge. (That there is a little French, for Our Sistah Ovella. (Hi, Ovella!)))


It's smoother sailing. (And, hopefully, crunchier peanut butter. Because choosy mothers choose spliff.)


(Why, no, We don’t have any idea what We’re talking about. Thanks so much for asking.)


If you've been rethinking your career strategy over the past few weeks, (Oh, dear. We have neither career nor strategy. Lassie, get help!)


it's almost time to implement your new plans. (To say nothing of Our new pants. (No, really…say nothing.))


Hallelujah! (Lovely. We say, “say nothing”, she says, “hallelujah”. Our world, and welcome to it.)


(YOUR-O-scopes. Now with 37% more backhair. (Eeeeeuuuuwwwww!!!):


http://www.humorscope.com/



cowgrass: a little dab’ll do ya)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I'm a lucky fella and I've just got to tell her that I love her endlessly


Greetings, Episcopalians Reschedule Indecent Cornroast---



Here is your horoscope for Sunday (Sunday? Sunday?!? Since when is there an Eric’s Daily Horoscope on a Sunday? ), January 17, 2010 (Well, in Our vast experience here in Bloggonia a few things have become clear in short order. Thing One is that We are quickly going to burn through Our meager collection of catchy photos, as We have never been One to say, “Oh, what a funny pixture; let’s save it forever and ever.” And Thing B is that We are going to have to do the typing in Micro$oft Weird™, as Google persists not only in changing fonts and colors on Us randomly, but crams all of Our text together into one paragraphless blog-blob, no matter how many spaces We attempt to induce it to include, thereby discouraging any casual new readers who might stumble upon the thing. (Micro$oft Weird™, on the other hand, flags “paragraphless” as a non-word, but allows “blog-blob” to slide. But what are ya gonna do?)):



(We just imported this from Micro$oft Weird™, and it ate all the spaces again. So We had to go into the html code (!) and add break codes. Is it just Us, or should Google be friendlier than this?)


(Re: the pixture: there is absolutely no explanation for the Darth Vader-Hello Kitty pixture, unless you happened to see the WaitStaff show in which We essayed the role of Mary Ann Mobley Kenobi from the Star Trek Wars movies.)

(Meanwhile, last night in Eric’s Dream Life (which is like Barbie™’s Dream House, but with more n@ked bois), We were hired by the Arden Theatre to play an extra in (We think) The Miracle Worker. (Which doesn’t have extras, but hey, it’s a dream. (Those of you (hello, Cathy!) who are expecting a Helen Keller joke here are going to be sorely disappointed (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! (Okay, We lied.))) Being an extra in said play apparently involved riding a bus (!) with schoolchildren (and, presumably, Helen Keller, but We never got so far as meeting the actress who was playing her, as We went shopping and were consequently late to the very first rehearsal and were fired, The End.)

(You will note that, at no point during the process did it occur to Us to question whyever they would hire someone of Our advanced years to portray a schoolchildren. And “whyever” is so g0dd@mn well TOO a word.)

Jupiter, the planet of plenty, enters the sign of Pisces today, for the first time in 12 years! (An overjoyed and yet sweaty and exhausted Pisces could not be reached for comment.)

Jupiter is the planet of good luck and wherever he goes, things flow just that little bit more easily for us mere mortals. (Because love grows where my Rosemary goes, and nobody knows like me. (In case you missed it in the subject line, that was a little earworm for the old folks. You’re welcome.))

For you as an Aries, Jupiter's entry into Pisces means he's moving into your 12th House, the part of your chart associated with All Things Spiritual. (How fitting! We were just on Our way to sit in front of the Martin Luther King Day tree, eat some Martin Luther King Day cookies, and sing a few spirituals. While drinking some spirits. Especially since, according to this:
http://www.phillyfunguide.com/event/detail/62109 , it is ALSO George Washington Carver Weekend. Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut, made some stuff.)

Because Uranus (Whose?)

- the planet of shocks and surprises (Oh, you have no idea!)

- is also in Pisces, there's a sense that the very thing which has been oh-so-unpredictable over the past few years is the same thing which is now going to bring you good fortune. (So, essentially, Uranus is now spitting out fortune cookies. Also, with six, you get egg roll. And, if it’s Tuesday, these must be Belgian waffles.)

(What? Hey, YOUR mental imagery is not OUR fault.)

In your case, it's where your SPIRITUALITY (Stop hollering.)

is concerned. (We are not the least bit concerned.)

The more you look into the spiritual side of life, the more you're going to feel the blessings the Universe has in store for you over the next 12 months. (Yeah. We can just imagine.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

only good-tasting tuna get to be cowgrass)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Haul out the holly


Greetings, Effete Rooster Is C0ck---

Here is your horoscope for Saturday (yes, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, Saturday !), January 16, 2010 (History in the making here, folks. Never before has there been an Eric's Daily Horoscope on a Saturday. But We just couldn't let the day go by without wishing all y'all a Happy Martin Luther King Day Eve Eve (Eve was weak...). Also, We are procrastinating about taking down Our Christmas tree (it is January 16th...see what a good procrastinator We are? In fact, if you've been putting off procrastinating, you could hire Us to do it for you. We promise We'd get it done eventually.) by sitting here staring at the WorldWideInterWebNetz and drinking Folgers™ Gourmet Selections Caramel Drizzle coffee, which tastes just like some fabulous breakfast pastry without, presumably, the capacity for @ss expansion. Scientists only thought the recent eclipse was caused by the Moon passing in front of the Sun...):

(But seriously, ladies and gerbils, We really are going to take down that tree. Which explains today's pixture, which was taken at Our Christmas party last year. When We did NOT get two feet of snow, and when Our @ss still all fit in one pixture.)

(Other than the tree, today will mostly be given over to Cultural Endeavors. We are currently reading, thanks to a fellow blogger who reminded Us that We had an unread copy lying about, Bill Bryson's A Short History Of Nearly Everything. Also, We are nearly finished watching Season 1 of Veronica Mars. And We have Netflixed Humpday, The Open Road, and The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, of which We read the book but have absolutely no recollection. So, if any of all y'all have non-spoilery comments or suggestions regarding those three fillums, have at it.)

(So now, lest these grand plans gang further agley, OUR-O-Scope...)

Having been in reverse since the turn of the year, and the decade, today Mercury starts to go forwards again (Where does Uranus go?)

- hallelujah! (She ejaculated.)

If you've been waiting for a chance to sign a contract because you didn't want to do that under Mercury retrograde, wait until Monday and then pounce. (We should put out that in this particular country, many people will not be signing contracts on Monday, either, as Monday is a holiday. We should also point out that We live in Souf Philly and, if We want to put a contract out on someone, We can do it whenever We d@mn well please.)

(Some of you may be wondering why, now that We are a legitimate resident of Bloggonia, We are still obscuring epithets with odd characters (e.g. d@mn, h3ll, m0therfu(king c0cksu(ker (gesundheit (thank you))). It is because some of Our more enterprising readers have already figgered out how to get their Eric's Daily Horoscope automatically emailed to them upon its creation, and they may be reading said emails at their places of enjoyment. So if We're really really nice to them, maybe they'll teach Us the email trick, and We can share it with all y'all.)

(Also, "she ejaculated." Heh. We kill Us.)

Just for the record, though, (Our eight-track-tape is stuck in the BetaMax.)

some of my most successful and long-term contracts have been signed under Mercury retrograde, so don't worry if you've made deals while Mercury was going backwards. (As long as you always know which way Uranus is going.)

(Uranus jokes. They just never get old.)

It can't just be me who benefits from the reverse motion of the zodiac's trickster! (We have read that last sentence three times, and We remain convinced that it is really, really dirty.)

Are you meant for each other? (Um...We're the only one here. (Okay, see, that's one of those occasions where The Royal We just really just sort of gums things up. The Queen of England must have these problems all the time. "Hand Us Our purses...er, purse." "Do you like Our hats...er, hat?" (Okay, she really wouldn't say that second one. Because someone might actually, ya know, tell her.)))

(YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

cowgrass: have a happy period)