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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout

Greetings, Escalator Reverses Into Cellar---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 28, 2010 (And a very Happy Hump Day to all of Our Happy Humpster Divers, and the great-granddaddy of ‘em all, Herman Humpster. And his brother, of children’s fairy tale fame, Humplestiltskin. To say nothing (no, really) of his other brother, Wee Humpy Humple. Who ran through the town, upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown. Which sounds, to Us, as though he were (subjunctively) doing at least part of this up- and downstairs running in other people’s houses. Which would no doubt be alarming for the occupants of same, should they awaken for a middle-of-the-night wee-wee (wee all the way home) and be startled by a drag queen in a nightgown on their stairs.):

(With important concerns like this to worry Us, however do We keep Our toilet bowl clean between scrubbings?)

(Meanwhile, how much does it tickle Us that, purely by chance, Herman Humpster in the first paragraph is green?)

(In other news, in Our travels yesterday, We found a British five-pence piece. Seriously. How are We ever to get rich if We keep picking fake money from other countries out of the gutter? You will recall that We recently found a Japanese fifty yen piece. At least that has a hole in the middle, so We could wear it as jewelry if We obtain a chain (from that plain in Spain where the rain mainly stays).)

(You WISH you were We, We can tell.)

(In still other other news (yes, ladies and gerbils, the hits just keep on coming), We have finally solved Our befridgedator light bulb problem (We know you were all on tenterhooks), and We are scheduled to march off to the CVS today with the original burned out bulb, the two defective bulbs (complete with packaging and receipt) that they sold Us, and the packaging and receipt from the bulb that worked that We later obtained at the Ack-A-Me. Also An Atty-tude. Wish Us luck. (They will no doubt refund Our money in five-pence pieces.))

(Meanwhile, it appears to have been approximately two weeks (and a trip to the Left Coast) since We have mentioned Our upcoming Really Big Shoe in these pages. So here: the WaitStaff's SItOnMyFaceBook page, which is currently hovering at 403 fans, has officially decided to start spitting out freebies when it reaches 500. Yes, ladies and genitals, some lucky fan will be winning tickets to The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows when Our page hits 500 fans. (Hopefully, this will happen before the show does. Otherwise, your free tickets will have a serious dip in value.) Oh, and for you poor schnooks who need to purchase tickets,  the event page now has ticket-obtaining info (which can be found directly here).

(“But I am already a fan of the WaitStaff on SitOnMyFaceBook!” We hear you cry. “However shall I ensure that they reach 500 fans and I get the chance to win a golden shower…er, ticket?” Ah, Glasshoppah…snatch this pebble from Our snatch, and risten crosery. This would be one of those occasions when you want to share both Eric’s Daily Horoscope and the WaitStaff’s SitOnMyFaceBook page with your friends. And then have them share with their friends. It’s called “viral marketing”, people, unlike Our current growth process, which is called, as near as We can tell, “fungal marketing”. And not any of them new-fangled quick funguses neither… more like that old-fashioned fungus that just sort of sits there under your big toenail and doesn’t really bother anybody unless they have to look at it up close for some reason.)

(Apologies to Our fine-feathered foot-fetishist friends for that last bit. (Is that a WOODY?))

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Knowing the difference between dreams and reality (A dream is a wish your heart makes, but reality is on television. Also, ice cream is a dish Moss Hart bakes, but Virginia is for lovers.)

(We have no idea.)

is a big plus down here on planet number three. (Somehow, calling it “planet number three” makes Us just want to go back to bed and stay there. At least if We were Planet Number Two, We could try harder. And, We could make a p00p joke. Of course, We’d also be liquefied by the heat of the sun. Which sounds like a bad thing, until you realize that it would put Us in the same molten pool with Johnny Depp. And what could be better than taking a dip in Johnny Depp’s molten pool?)

(See? We’re a “glass half full” kind of guy. We have no idea where you people get this “negativity” cr@p.)

As you're soon to learn, however, there's also something to be said for the sweetness of fantasies and dreams. (Mmm-hmm. There’s something even more to be said for Johnny Depp’s lava lamp. (You don’t need to think We’re letting go of this metaphor any time soon, because We are SO not.))

Enjoy this brief vacation from the ordinary. (And this ordinary vacation from your briefs. (Hey, if We’re gonna be liquefied, We might as well go commando.))

Much as you'd like to simply let your opponent know in no uncertain terms that they're playing with fire, your innate sense of fairness won't let you do it -- fortunately. (Now, see, that there don’t even make no sense. How would it be unfair to let them know they’re playing with fire? @sshat.)

You've got more ideas than you have time to explain them -- and there's a reason for that. (Yes. And the reason is: people are stupid.)

Easy, now. (Easy-peasy George and Weezy.)

Take a breath and prioritize. (Could We a priori-tize instead? (Unlike Our usual “f@rt-noise-in-Our-armpit” jokes, that was an actual bit of high-brow intellectual Humour, for Our high-brow intellectual readers (both of whom are very nice). The rest of all y’all might wanna go Google “a priori” on Wikipedia to see just how funny We really are.))

(I. Fell. In. To a burning ring of fire…oh, wait; that’s Johnny CASH…eeeuuuwww!)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

cowgrass-coated popcorn, p3nis, and a prize…that’s what you get in CowGrassJacks.)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I’ll follow you until you love me, Papa-paparazzi

Greetings, Espadrilles Result In Chafing---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, April 27, 2010 (Happy birthday to Dena, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in MaryLand. Which is apparently NOT the g@y section of DisneyWorld. Although she does now toil and spin (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us.) for Nebraska’s Intergalactic Hairdressers. Why Nebraska’s Intergalactic Hairdressers have an office in MaryLand is a mystery to Us; presumably, this is why We don’t have a jawb.)

(We had an excellent night’s sleep last night. Thank you for asking. We slept straight (well, gayly forward) through, and for a very long time. Which made Us realize that it’s been quite a while since We had such a good night’s sleep. So, yay, Us!)

(Micro$oft Weird™ disapproves of “gayly”; it wants Us to change it to “gaily”. Micro$oft Weird™ can suck Our c0ck.)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

(If at any point during the preceding you developed any mental image involving Bill Gates, you’re doing it wrong.)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

A full year of hard work (Where?)

has helped you to achieve a personally fulfilling goal. (Our unemployments, let Us show them to you.)

Chances are (Johnny Mathis takes it up the @ssz. (No, seriously…look it up. Where’d ya think he got that vibrato?))

good that you're surrounded by fans and media now, (Paparazzi, pepperoni pizza, kiss Us quick, We’re Lady Gaga. (We have no idea what that meant, but We do so desperately try to be au courant. Apparently, this Lady Gaga person is the new McDonna. Back in her day, of course, McDonna was the new Charo. Which was rather silly, because We had a perfectly good old Charo at the time. Waste not, whatnot, want not kumquat. As They say. But who listens?))

(Did We mention what a good night’s sleep We had?)

but as soon as you can fit it in, (OOooooooooohhhh!!!!!)

start thinking about a title for the how-to book you'll feel eminently qualified to pen. (Why? Is Stupidity for Dummies already taken?)

A lot has been left unsaid, and you're ready to say it (Is it just Us, or does that sentence simply cry out to begin with “Needless to say”?)

(Needless to say, needles in hay are very hard to find.)

(That just came to Us, as if in a viZZZion. We shall be putting it in Our new children’s book, Strangers Have The Best Candy.)

-- but if they're not ready to hear it, (Sorry…what did you say?)


don't force the issue. (Also, don’t fight the funk. But do face the front while you fu(k the French. (Surely We don’t need to explain why?))

(And, while you’re attempting to figger that one out…)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

I feel like cowgrass tonight, cowgrass tonight)

Monday, April 26, 2010

I’m feeling transcendental; am I here?

Greetings, Eaves Relieve Ivy Chives---

(Oh, shut up; it’s Monday.)

Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 26, 2010 (Happy belated birfday to Our Manhattanese Sistah, Asphyxia-8, who turned twenty-four yesterday. You may have noticed that there was no Eric’s Daily Horoscope yesterday, or Saturday. Or you may not have noticed. How the h3ll would We know? At any rate, We are back to a five-day publication schedule.):

(But enough of this business talk, you came here, if you came here at all, for the misery, and to have your life be made better by comparison. And We are here to tell you, We have already fired up Our fancy-schmancy new coffeemaker that grinds its own beans. Of course, One’s coffee does not come out so fancy-schmancy when One neglects to use a filter. We’re just sayin’. In still other news, OurHouseWhereWeLive is haunted. Here’s how We finally figgered it out: the bulb in Our befridgedator blew. (It’s been so long since anything around here has blown, We didn’t even understand what had happened at first.) Now, on a scale of household calamities, this particular event hardly registers. Even We, with Our limited motor skills, can replace a burnt-out befridgedator bulb. Without even calling one of Our l3sbian friends. The only difficulty One could possibly foresee in such a task was the absence, naturally, of any replacement befridgedator bulbs in Our house. So imagine Our surprise when, after trundling off to purchase same (a pack of TWO, no less. Because fool Us once, day-old poo; fool Us twice, Katmandu. (Isn’t that a Bob Seger song? (What ever happened to Bob Seger?))), We attempted to replace said befridgedator bulb, and discovered that the first of the two replacement bulbs was defective, and the second one, while not (at least not quite as) defective, wouldn’t light. Hmmm, sez We, and trundled off (is it just Us, or is there a lot of trundling in this story?) to find the befridgedator manual. Now here comes the haunted part. All of Our appliance manuals are kept in the very same drawer (the very same drawer as each other, in case that wasn’t clear). And every time We go to find one of them, they are all there except the one We are looking for. Scary, no?)


(Of course, it’s a good thing We are able to man up and do these home improvement tasks Our Own Self, because it has been well over six months since ContractorBoi (remember him?) stopped returning Our phone calls and emails for reasons unknown to Us. (Well, perhaps not entirely unknown…there is the suspiciously miswired device in Our basement that rings a constant alarm and seems to be counting down toward some sort of explosion. Needless to say (and here We go, saying it), We won’t be recommending HIM any time soon.))

(Of course, ContractorBoi is not the only one who’s stopped returning Our phone calls and emails. It makes Us wonder just what horrible atrocity it is that We’ve perpetrated on these people. And, more to the point, is it the SAME atrocity, or DIFFERENT atrocities? Would it be so d@mn difficult, before cutting off all contact, to send one more missive exclaiming, “How dare you apostrophize my bandicoot?”, thereby letting Us know in what way We have offended them, and possibly enabling Us to keep from offending others in such a way in the future? Sigh.)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

The universe has arranged for you to cross paths with individuals who'll excite and inspire you. (That depends…inspire US to WHAT?)

Is this foolish? (Does anyone actually say “foolish” anymore? Doesn’t “foolish” sound rather, well, foolish?)

Should you be cautious? (We don’t know about you, but We would be very careful and wary of being too cautious.)

Is it simply time to take one giant step outside the box? (Oh, the h3ll with it…step ON the box! After all, you only live once. (We’re pretty sure Shirley MacLaine doesn’t read Eric’s Daily Horoscope.))

It's all up to you (Great…something else We can totally fu(k up.)

-- but don't doubt your instincts for a single second. (Yeah…’cause they’ve done so well so far.)

You're not interested in flirting, or being flirted with, unless the individual in question has been preapproved and found worthy by a very particular panel of one. (Actually, We’ll pretty much take what We can get.)

You go! (Um, that’s “You go, GURRRRLLLLL!!!”, Missy. Try to keep up.)

Cut yourself a break. (Also, cut yourself the cheese. (Because it’s been quite some time since We’ve had a good old fashioned f@rt joke in here.))

Instead of putting together your usual schedule and feeling bad because you couldn't pull it off, (We dunno ‘bout you, but “pulling it off” is generally ON Our usual schedule.)

give yourself the day off. (Okay, you’ve talked Us into it.)

It's not hedonistic. It's realistic. (It’s also supercalifragilistic. To say nothing of expialidocious. (No, really. Say NOTHING. (Also, it’s ComCastic! (Remind Us to tell you about how Amos (or Andy…We’re not sure) was going door-to-door last week, peddling Comcast upgrades. Seriously. We have two words for you: “Mister Eric”.))))

This moment of fame could well last a lot longer than fifteen minutes. (Well, lord knows this morning has gone on forever so far.)

Keep a pen handy, (Our penis handy.)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

because you'll need it. (Oh, We KNOW!)

Most fans don't have their own. (Well, We ain’t sleepin’ with ‘em then. So there.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

it’s cowgrasstastic!)

Friday, April 23, 2010

Hey, you…is there anybody out there?

Greetings, Existential Reconstructionists Impersonate Carpetbaggers------

Here is your horoscope for Friday, April 23, 2010 (Since it appears that no one heard Us the first time, We shall repeat Ourselves very slowly: Google. Took. Away. Our Reader. Hits. Counter. Now. We. Only. Know. You’re. Here. If You. Leave. A. Comment. And. We’re. Getting. Bored. KThxBye.):

(While We await the great outpouring of love that will no doubt be resulting from THAT (yeah, right) , We shall occupy Ourselves contemplating why Micro$oft Weird™ thinks “Here” with a period after it is misspelled, while “Here” without a period after it is not. Then We shall no doubt have Our period. And possibly eat it, too.)

(Meanwhile, in case you’re not eating Chinese today (the frustrated Chinese could not be reached for comment), and, therefore, not receiving a fortune cookie, herewith is some advice to substitute for the contents of said absent cookie: “If the piece of trash in the gutter looks like it might be a twenty dollar bill, bend yo' fat assz ovah and pick it up, because it might just BE a twenty dollar bill!” In bed.)

(In other news, if you are anywhere in the vicinity of New York this evening, get thee to the Tribeca Fillum Festival for the screening of Willam Belli’s movie,  Ticked Off Trannies With Knives. If, on the other hand, you are anywhere in the vicinity of Dick York this evening, you might want to rethink your plans, as he is dead.)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Venus, the planet of love and wealth, makes not one, not two but THREE major astro-links today, suggesting that for many people, there are changes happening on the love or money front. (We’re kind of pressed for time….can’t We just combine the love and money fronts and hire a h00ker?)

The main issue is that one of the links is to Neptune and it's disharmonious, so if you've gone and got your heart entangled with someone you already know you can't really trust, watch up (“Watch up”? Kelli may not be eating Chinese, but she has apparently swarrowed the Chinese-Engrish dictionary.)

- that bad decision could be about to come and bite your butt! (We should be so lucky! (We would probably faint from the shock of receiving attention.))

On the plus side, good relationships can get better and financial deals struck now should stick, as long as everyone's being very honest and clear. (And We all know how likely THAT is to happen. Meanwhile what does this all have to do with being plus-sized?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

cowgrass…what’s in YOUR wallet?)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The river was deep but I swam it, Janet

Greetings, Excrement Resented Intermittent Cement---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, April 22, 2010 (Happy birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today. And a very happy Earth Day to the rest of you. In honor of Earth Day, today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Yves Montand Saint Laurent Petit Pois In The Band is a little treat for Our vegetarian and vegan friends. (Kinda makes ya crave a burger, no? (We Our Own Self Personally were recently introduced to the joys of In-n-Out Burger. Mmmmm…burgers. (What the h3ll were We talking about? Oh, yeah. The Earth, and sh1t. Whatevs.)))):

(In other news, We have just landed Ourselves another g@y sensitivity training gig. Because We are oh-so-very sensssssssitive. (Sorry…did We spit on you? (Usually We get paid to do that, ya know. (Oh, who are We kidding? We can’t even give it away.))))

(As you can see, We got nothin’. We are still re-acclimating to Our routine, and We have a to-do list that’s as long as something that’s really long. On the other hand, she wore a glove. Also, Our ta-da list is lamentably short. A fact which We would rectumfy if We could.)

(Our comedeez, clearly they are spinning out of control. Burn, baby, burn, disco in Sterno™.)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

This weekend, (Say WHUT?)

Venus moves into your third house of communications, thoughts and Your Every Day life, (Does that sound cluttered to y’all? ‘Cause it sounds cluttered to Us. If you think it’s cluttered, but it’s not, Grey Poupon™.)

(Who’s decompensating?)

(More to the point, who’s alarmed that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “decompensating” is a word?)

where she'll stay for around four weeks. (Well, how nice for HER lazy @ssz! We sure hope she brings her own maid.)

This is a wonderful transit if life has been a little tough over the past few days or even weeks. (Mmm-hmm. Try that sentence over again, starting out “This is a wonderful tranny…” Much better, no?)

People are going to be extra drawn to you as Venus gives you the gift of the Charming Gab – (We are just itching for a “scab” pun here. (Heh.) I anyone thinks of one, lettuce know.)

your words are going to be more seductive to Someone Else's ears than ever. (Seducing ears now, are We? And We wonder how other people get fu(ked in the head…)

(If you accidentally conjured mental pixtures during that last bit, We shall pause here while you mental floss. You’re welcome.)

For that reason, if you want to tell someone how much you care for them, the coming four weeks are the ideal time. (Did We mention that Johnny Depp missed Our birthday?)

Also this month, pay attention to those around you (Sorry…what did you say?)

(See what We…oh, never mind.)

- you may not have realized how much love there is in your life, especially in your immediate environment. (Do you know how hard it is to get that stuff out of upholstery?)

Take no one's love for granted! (Granite, schmanet, Janet!)

(What? YOU’RE the ones who left Us here all alone.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

so make it cowgrass, or make it yourself)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

And those Hollywood nights in those Hollywood hills

Greetings, Eastern Return Infuriates Coast---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 21, 2010 (Gracious hello, Gentle Readers! It would appear that We have not spoken with you since last Hump Day. We trust you have been humping along, as one does. We Our Own Selves Personally were in California. El Lay, to be precise. Celebrating the twenty-fourth anniversary of Our nativity with swimming pools and movie stars. Speaking of natal anniversaries, happy belated birthday to Nima, who turned twenty-four yesterday while We were flying the friendly skies on Our return.):

(We have SO much to tell you all! But, as We are still readjusting to Our Own Personal time zone, We suspect that We shall be telling you in dribs and drabs over the next week or so. Lettuce first just tell you that We were staying here, which is possibly the only establishment advertising itself on the WorldWideInterWebNetz whose pixtures don’t lie. Speaking of pixtures that don’t lie, Our two Eric’s Daily Horoscopes Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Couchez Avec Moi Madame Pompadour would involve Our very Own Personal celeb sightings (are We alarmed that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “celeb” as a word? We most assuredly are.) Yes, boyzzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We smelled Isaiah Mustafa! (He did NOT smell like Old Spice™.) He was the guest caller at g@y bingo at  Hamburger Mary's WeHo , which was hostessed by Our other celeb sighting, Our friend Willam Belli. (We would apologize for putting Isaiah on top of Willam, but We suspect that Willam won’t mind.) Did We mention that We won a round of bingo? Well, We did.)

(Merde, il pleut. And We have about a kabillion errands to run out in the universe today, d@mmit.)

(This may be the latest Eric’s Daily Horoscope posting EVAH. It is also Our one-hundredth posting in Bloggonia. So do please leave Us a comment or some such. (Seriously…you may notice that they have taken Our ads away. Well, with those also went the counter that showed Us how many people were reading Us. So We can’t even hear you breathing any more. (If any satisfied WordPress users would care to enumerate the benefits of same, We would be All Ears (Except For Our Big Fat @ssz).)))

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Financially, things are looking quite promising for you as the Moon complete a lovely grand trine configuration in the skies in just a few days. (Hmmm…We just spent a small fortune in money We really don’t have, We didn’t win PowerBall™ while We were away, and We ain’t got a jawb. Yep, financially, everything’s coming up roses.)

If you're hoping for some good financial news, you might well be in luck. (Or fu(ked. One of those two.)

If you need to work on your self-esteem, (Should We have Our self-esteem steamed, or should We steam it Ourself? Decisions, decisions, long divisions.)

as a lot of Aries do right now, hopefully something will happen to make you feel fabulous about yourself. (Is it just Us, or does “hopefully something will happen” not sound exactly like a plan to you, too?)

And if nothing happens, (As it generally does.)

you might have to do some hard work on yourself and remind yourself what's GREAT about you. (What is all this “yourself” cr@p? So what if We know how GREAT We are? Are We gonna hire Ourself, and pay Ourself a paycheck? @sshat.)

Top tip: Make a list! (Does One put “make a list’ on a list? And, if so, how does that list get made, without a list telling One to make it? Real life, she is complexicated.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

what happens at cowgrass stays at cowgrass)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Rocky Raccoon checked into his room only to find Gideon’s bible

Greetings, Extraterrestrial Raccoonesque Intruders’ Countercamouflage---

(What? “Raccoonesque” not a word? Oh, sure. Next thing ya know, Micro$oft Weird™ will be telling Us that Raquel Welch is a figment of someone’s imagination as well. (Did YOU know there was no C in “Raquel”? Because We, apparently, did not. The raccoon thing is, consequently, not nearly as amusing as it might otherwise have been. Sigh. If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be in the garden, eating worms.))

(Raquel Welch’s t1tz.)

(There…at least We were able to salvage a little something for Our str8 boi readers. (Although We feel it incumbent upon Us to mention to all you b0ner-poppin’ str8 bois (which is, of course, a phrase much like “pistol-packin’ mamas”, although a helluva lot more interesting from OUR perspective) that each of Ms. Welch’s personal t1tz will be turning seventy this year. Which would seem, according to the New Math, to make her a hundred and forty years old. Although We may have improperly carried a two.))

(Apropos of nothing, doesn’t “improperly carried a two” sound like a lovely euphemism for something absolutely vulgar?)

(In still other news, the WaitStaff's SitOnMyFaceBook page, which is currently hovering at 399 fans, has officially decided to start spitting out freebies when it reaches 500. Yes, ladies and gerbils, some lucky fan will be winning tickets to The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows when Our page hits 500 fans. (Hopefully, this will happen before the show does. Otherwise, your free tickets will have a serious dip in value.) Oh, and for you poor schnooks who need to purchase tickets, the event page now has ticket-obtaining info (which can be found directly here  .).

(Now go visit all those places, then come back and read the horoscope.)

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 14, 2010 (Oh, are We just now getting around to saying that? My, how time flies when you’re having fudge. Happy Hump Day to all you Humpy Dudes and Dudettes who are Humping away out there in Hump-Hump Land.):

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Pleasing anyone, whether they're a member of your family or a career associate, will be several times more challenging than you'd ever possibly imagined. (And, if you think Pleasing Anyone is gonna be tough, wait till you try Finding Nemo.)

Any attempts you make to 'fix' things could backfire. (See, now, We were just fixin’ (heh) to go on a fixing spree. We were gonna be spaying and neutering with reckless abandon. We had bought Ourselves a Weed-Whacker™, and We weren’t afraid to use it. And now this “backfire” bullsh1t. Sigh. You never lettuce have any fun.)

Why not go with the flow instead? (WAIT a minute…We can’t go on Our spaying and neutering spree, AND Aunt Flo is coming to visit? She’d better not expect Us to kiss her bloody grits.)

(We’re just gonna pause here for a mo-mo while all y’all find the mental floss.)

Don't waste time pouting if someone suddenly reneges on a promise or disappoints you. (We will waste time pouting if We d@mn well please, you lousy reneger. (Heh. If you are reading this aloud, We sure hope you aren’t in public.))

You're all grown-up now -- remember? (No. Because We’re SO grown-up that We have Alzheimers. Also, We have Alzheimers.)

(Heh. See what We did there? No, neither do We.)

That means getting used to others who aren't. (If the others don’t exist, We fail to see why We should have to get used to them.)

(That was a little Zen Buddhist humor, for Our existential friends. (In case you were wondering, while you were meditating, We were mentally looking up your loincloth.))

Careful, now. You could hurt yourself, or someone else if you're not paying attention to what you're doing. (It’s all fun and games till somebody points out that even though there’s no I in “team”, there’s also no I in “@sshole”.)

Force yourself to be vigilant. (See, “Force yourself to be vigilant”? Not funny. “Force yourself to be militant.” Hysterical! Perspectivez, We has them.)

Your demeanor won't be the stuff that etiquette books are written about (Although it would probably make a really funny cookbook.)

-- so this might not be the best day to ask for that raise. (Although if We can figger out how to get a raise before We get a JAWB, We will definitely be cooking with gas.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

cowgrass…melts in your mouth, not in your pants)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

So grab your d1ck and double-click for p0rn, p0rn, p0rn

Greetings, Event Recurs Inevitably, Calendar-wise---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, April 13, 2010 (Oh, my dears. One of Those Dreams. (No, not THOSE; get your mind out of the gutter…it’s crowding out Ours.) One of those scary, scary dreams that’s so scary not because there are fire-breathing monsters and shape-shifting cannibals and Republicans, but is instead so scary because it’s so exactly like what could happen in real life. We are having douche-chills just reflecting on it, so We cannot even begin to tell you about it, but suffice it to say that We were at a party that We Our Own Selves Personally had organized and…no, We were right the first time; We cannot even begin to tell you about it.):

(We shall instead tell you to go visit the WaitStaff on SitOnMyFaceBook, where We are rapidly approaching 400 fans:!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts (We shall probably have to make a big to-do and give something away when We get to 500…anybody want a kidney?) Also, check out Our upcoming show page at!/event.php?eid=113934875292286&ref=mf Information about actually buying the tickets you are pretending to want for The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows will appear there soon.)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Your life is going to change in more ways than you can probably imagine in the near future. (Is that a threat?)

Not only is there a New Moon in your sign, (But there’s a free set of Ginsu steak knives. In case you all of a sudden get served a Ginsu steak. Clazy Chinamen.)

but the planet of sudden change, (Menopausia?)

Uranus, is headed for Aries and will be there by mid-year. (And if you think THAT’S impressive, wait’ll ya see what’s headed for Uranus!)

Uranus is all about doing things differently to the way you used to do them before. (Betcha didn’t know THAT, didja? Buttsecks…it’s not just for breakfast any more.)

Where in your life do you want to break free from the past? (More importantly, where in your life do you want to break free from the pants? Suffer the n@ked skimmers to come onto…er, unto Us.)

Incidentally, Uranus is also about progressiveness and modernity (Put THAT in Uranus and smoke it. (Uranus jokes just don’t get old, do they?))

and for that reason is associated with the Internet. (This may come as a surprise to all y’all, as We know it did to Us, the fact that Uranus is associated with the InterNetz. However, upon reflection, We recalled the old adage that arguing on the InterNetz is like running in the Special Olympics; even if you win, you’re still retarded.)

(Because it cannot be said enough, Johnny Depp.)

Explore work (Go fu(k yourself.)

and other Internet options now. (The InterNetz are for p0rn.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

“cow” then g-r-a-s-s, cowgrass spells the very best…chocolate)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Walk, walk, walk, walk him up, walk him up the stairs

Greetings, Elegant Rebuttal Ignites Cigarette----

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 12, 2010 (A Very Happy Un-Monday To You! (If you didn’t sing that to yourself the first time, We’ll wait while you go back and do it again. (There, that’s better.))):

(Our ailment seems to be about seventy-five percent departed. We Our Own Selves Personally, on the other hand, seem to be dearly departed. Also, We seem to have mislaid (heh) the dearly beloved. Also also, isn’t it peculiar that “dearly” as in “dearly beloved” doesn’t rhyme with “pearly” as in “pearly gates”. (Apropos of nutting, We once assayed the role of Ol’ Cap’n in the musical Purlie. We were approximately twenty-four at the time. We shall have to scan a photo of Ourself in Our age makeup and padding…We would be lucky to make Ourself look that good for a night out these days. (For those non-musical-theatre-queens amongst all y’all, if you don’t know what “Ol’Cap’n in Purlie” means, just pretend We said “Colonel Sanders”. KThxBye.)))

(How many of you just let “apropos of nutting” slide right on by? You take Us for granted, you do. (Also, Micro$oft Weird™ appears to think that “nutting” is not a word. Which, come (heh) to think of it, explains a great deal.))

(We are about to do A Very Bad Thing. We are just telling you that upfront, so that We can disavow all knowledge of your actions should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed. Also, so We can be assured that you have no one but yourself to blame when you do the thing We are about to tell you not to do. )

(On Saturday afternoon, We were out in the world, spreading good cheer and snot, the way One does, when Our pants rang, alerting Us to the arrival of a text message from TCBITWWW. In said message, he chastised Us for ever having introduced him to Sporcle. “Sporcle?” sez We, “The h3ll?” It subsequently became clear that TCBITWWW’s text had gone astray and was never meant for Us. Alas, it was too late, as We promptly arrived home and Googled “Sporcle” on Wikipedia….)

(Now here comes the warning: WHATEVER YOU DO, do NOT go to (which is, parenthetically, completely work safe) and start testing your knowledge by taking quizzes. Because, if you do, when you finally come to, it will be Thursday. June 14th. 2012. And you will have lost your job, and be homeless. But you will know what element comes after nitrogen on the periodic table.)

(We, of course, were busily demonstrating Our senility on a quiz in which One was expected to name actors who had been in Batman movies. We had most of them from the older set of films, and the main ones from the new films. We knew that We didn’t know the name of the guy who played Alfred the butler in the old set (it was Michael Caine in the newer set), and We were pretty sure We’d never remember most of the secondary characters from the newer set, because We LOATHED both Batman Begins and Dark Knight. (Sorry, Heath Ledger. You broke Our back, AND Our mountains, WHUUUUUTTTT?) However, We were stuck on who played Vicki Vale in the very first Batman of the older set. And, as We sat here, saying…OUT LOUD…”It’s that ugly blond chick, who divorced Alec Baldwin, and has an Oscar™ she doesn’t deserve for LA Confidential…”, We realized that We had finally and completely lost whatever was left of Our mind.)

(So yeah. Whatever you do, don’t go to . You’re welcome.)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

You've seen the movie where the hero jumps from the bridge to the top of a speeding train, then chases and neatly nabs the soon-to-be-very-sorry bad guy? (Was that ugly blond chick in it? (You don’t think We’re gonna say her name, do you? If you can’t think of it either, you can just be tormented like We were. (We did ultimately figger it out. (We know you were worried.))))

Well, you may not be doing any train-leaping, (Eight trains a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, and a partridge in a pear tree.)


(Which part of “lost Our minds” did you not understand?)

but it still wouldn't be wise to mess with you. (If you like it then you shoulda put a mess on it.)

You tried, but you just couldn't shut up (Obviously, We’ve met before.)

and not say those hurtful words. (That’s Us…saying hurtful words to the wartful herds. Since 2001.)

You can't take them back, but you can apologize. (Not only that, you should SEE Us accessorize.)

The sooner and sweeter, the better. (Also, the bigger the better, the more in the sweater. (That was for Our str8 boi readers. Now that they’ve all popped b0ners, for Our g@y boi readers: “The bigger the better, the more in the sweatpants.”))

Stop thinking about working out. (Fine, you’ve talked Us into it.)

Get up, get dressed and go work out. (But you just said…)

Muscles need actual participation from other body parts to become toned. (Wonderful. How ‘bout you shove ‘em up your @ssz and see what happens?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

cowgrass…I put that @#$%* on EVERYTHING!)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Just another Satanic Sunday

Greetings, Eating Roosters Invigorates Chickens---

Here is your horoscope for Sunday, April 11, 2010:

(Just a quickie, kidzzz, as We started Our day with laundry, followed by hacking up a lung at noon WaitStaff rehearsal for The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows. So here, for your Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) pleasure, this week's rantings of The Distracted Astrologer):

Ach, poor old Saturn. Worry is his default emotion since moving back into Virgo’s neat three-up two-down last week, and Monday is made to stir his worry pot. First off, he’s disappointed when Venus backs down on her promise to pop round with some paint charts. She thought she’d made a casual, if-you’re-not-too-busy-with-your-pilates-and-Jeremy-Kyle maybe, not a promise. Feeling frustrated by the greater wrongs in the world, Saturn rings Chiron. Together they set to making just one small thing better, by fixing some of the tattier bits of Correlation Street. At least, they would if they could get the paste table up.

Uranus and Neptune find the abandoned paste table on Tuesday. They turn it upside down and spend a happy few hours pretending to sail away to the land of the radioactive robot aliens. They are relieved that Pluto isn’t around to butt in: radioactive robot aliens make such a pleasant change from zombies.

The Sun and Moon meet briefly on Wednesday. Just long enough to distil one drop of pure energy, which they pop in a Marmite jar and put at the back of the top shelf. You never know when it’ll come in handy.

Saturday’s Pluto stomps around for someone to play zombies with. It’s the weekend, after all, what better way to unwind than to pretend to be the rotting undead. Venus tries to oblige, she really does, but her red bandanna and glinting gold tooth tell Pluto that she’d rather be off playing pirates with Johnny Depp. The little grumpy one stomps away to glower. Seeing his chance, Jupiter invites Venus for a pint of grog and a glimpse of his salty seadog.

The Sun makes the most of Arien energy on Sunday by helping Uranus and Neptune build a sail for the paste table, out of an old shower curtain and a bag of liquorice bootlaces. Hearing the fun, Mercury decides to go back for a look.

Wednesday has a potent Aries new Moon. Plant a spring wish for whatever you want to grow.

A midweek wish for a shiny red racing bike brings positive results but no helmet. Good job the weekend is on foot. Stuff your rucksack with high energy snacks, lace your boots good and tight, lead the way, and don’t let anyone kick the map into the river. Night time noises outside your tent are just high jinks, and I’m sure whatever it is that made those funny twig and moss human-like figures dangling from the trees will appreciate you retying their slipshod granny knots as far more appropriate buntline hitches. Avoid fingerpaints, unflattering camera angles, windowless houses, and don’t let anyone turn their back on you.

Innocent attempts to fix the office loo or put up a shed this week will have repercussions enough to bring down world superpowers. Sit on your hands as your practise your Frank Spencer impersonation, Taurus, and hope it’s still a bit early for butterflies in China.

Keep your hat pulled down and your hands in your pockets. Whistle softly to yourself. Carefully check the perimeter fence for possible escape routes: is that patch of earth soft enough to tunnel? Could you throw a blanket over the razor wire at the point where the searchlights don’t quite meet? Is the fence electrified or could it be snipped? Do nothing yet. Most importantly, make sure that nobody suspects you are doing anything more than enjoying a solitary stroll.

Things are as strained as the last Bank Holiday teabag on its desperate, eighth dunking. Take dessert into work on Wednesday. Nothing woos doubters like a choice of lemon meringue of toffee cheesecake, and they can’t bitch about you with their mouths full.

The pressure’s on someone else during the week, Leo, and if your weekend isn’t fabulous, you’re doing it wrong. Sign nothing less than a nipple.

It’s like déjà vu all over again, says Sidney in Scream. (And that’s the first Scream, goodness knows how many déjàs she’ll have vuing again and again by Scream 3. I don’t, I haven’t seen it yet.) This week, Virgo — with Saturn backed up into your sign, and your ruler slowing down and turning around — you’ll gradually begin to understand that what seems like Sidney’s tautological overkill is in fact a considered and precisely accurate use of language. Things will begin to déjà vu, all over again. (And if you’ve seen Scream 3, please hush.)

Just tell them you can’t be arsed. If it’s all a bit tangled, try out a Wednesday lunchtime wish to not need to be needed. One thread at a time.

Make a Wednesday lunchtime firewish to jiggle the innards of your old routine. Intrepid, you are.

This week, the clawed paddy-paw of the regular nine-to-five flicks at your twitchy whiskered cheeks. Sneaking a naughty midweek interlude gets you through to the weekend, which is looking very good indeed. If you get that far.

Oo ‘eck.

Put right Monday’s wrong on Tuesday. Find a quiet space inside Wednesday to speak a wish aloud. All the wicked little pixies will work your wish for you with their little pixie hammers. You’ll find the results at the bottom of your bed on Sunday morning.

This failure in communication is for you this week, Pisces (safe for work). Watch those mixed messages, or people will laugh in abbreviation while you drown. Alternatively, some people might dive in to save you from giggling, but not the ones you would like to see in Speedos.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Money money money…must be funny… in a rich man’s world.

Greetings, Estonia Retaliates, Invading Chad---

(An exhausted Chad is left weak, but begging for more.)

Here is your horoscope for Saturday, April 10, 2010 (Remember yesterday (who said “No”?) when We said We knew Our menopausal allergies were allergies because the rain which made the pollen go away made them go away? Well, apparently either the pollen came back with a vengeance, or We have the bubonic plague. And there’s nothing quite as nasty as having your bubons plagued. This is truly unfair, as We have way too much to accomplish, and way too short a time in which to accomplish it. We are slightly better this morning, but We suspect that’s only because We are hermetically sealed in OurHouseWhereWeLive, Our condition having been exacerbated yesterday by Our having the audacity to venture forth into the pollen-laden atmosphere. (“Pollen-laden” looks, for some reason, very peculiar to Us. However, We just Googled it on Wikipedia, and 31,900 other people have used it before Us. (Please stand by for an Osama bin Pollen Laden joke, as soon as We think of it.))):

(As if lying at death’s door weren’t (subjunctively) enough torture, We also have today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Subject Line Song Du Pour Au Jus Pas de Deus ex Machina Heeeey…Macarena stuck on an endless loop in Our head(s). We have no idea why this should be so, except for the fact that We did recently play “Mamma Mia” (the song, not the entire movie soundtrack) in conjunction with a rehearsal for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows. (Gee, We sure hope We haven’t caused YOU to get some random ABBA song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. ‘Cause that would make Us sad.))

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Motivation will only arrive via a very sweet, very attractive carrot at the end of a very expensive stick. (Is that a very sweet, very attractive carrot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)

Otherwise, you'll be far more interested in not being late for your nap. (Well. Was that ten of the most boring sentences ever spoken, or was it just Us?)

Stock up on provisions (While attempting to avoid antivisions.)

so you won't have to make that exhausting, endless journey to the grocery store. (Only Our Kelli The @sshat could combine grocery shopping and Sartre.)

Make a wish -- but be sure it's what you really want and what you're really ready for, because it will almost certainly come true. (Yeah. Because that’s what ALWAYS happens with OUR wishes.)

Arguing with you will be impossible. (No, it won’t.)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Even the most deliberately provocative statements will barely raise your blood pressure. (That is because We are dead.)

It's good to be you, huh? (Lettuce just empty Our nose at you (atCHOO!), and We will show you just HOW good.)

It's not as much as you deserve, but you can certainly expect a bit more in your paycheck soon. (That’d be a pretty good trick, considering We ain’t got a JAWB.)

No fair jumping the gun, though. (Ya hear that, Mother Superior? (That was a little Beatles joke. For Our Beatles fan reader. Although he’s a n@ked skimmer, so he might’ve missed it. So We’re just going to sit here and picture him n@kedly skimming until he acknowledges Us.))

Wait and see. (At the A&P. By Jean-Paul Sartre. Cleanup on Aisle Five. For All Eternity. Hell Is Other Produce Managers. Double Coupons, Triple Ennui, Infinite Weekly Specials.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

please don’t squeeze the cowgrass)

Friday, April 9, 2010

Here’s the story of a man named Brady who was busy with three boys of his own

Greetings, Extemporaneous Riposte Incapacitates Chatroom---

(Okay, Micro$oft Weird™…so “chatroom” isn’t a word, but “buttonhook” and “petticoat” are? Methinks thy dictionary be inscribethed upon parchment paper by quill pen. (The proof of said pudding being the fact that you also don’t recognize “spellcheck”. (Although you DO accept “spellchecked” and “spellchecker”. So maybe you’re just a flighty b1tch. Eat Us, AND Our pudding.)))

(Consider this the “Chubby Checker” joke that We couldn’t fit into that last paragraph.)

(In Our never-ending efforts to enlighten and amuse you, We have attempted to upload another video today, after yesterday’s Abraham Lincoln fiasco. (Abraham Lincoln Fiasco being, of course, what many newly-freed slaves would have named their babies if the Civil War had (subjunctively) taken place in Southern Italy. (Our political incorrectnesses…let Us show them to you. (We trust you will not be surprised to learn that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t believe in “incorrectnesses”. Stick around, Micro$oft Weird™…We’re just getting warmed up.))) Today’s video uploaded just fine, so there must have been something wrong with the Abraham Lincoln video. (It emails just fine, however, so ask Us if you’re interested and perhaps We shall email it to you.) Today’s video will be of particular interest to any of all y’all who were wondering, as We were, what Barry Williams is doing for work these days. (Barry Williams being, of course, the thespian who created the seminal (heh) 70s television teen, Greg Brady. If you didn’t already know that, please watch the following movie trailer anyway. It is work safe (well, okay, he does say “d@mn”) and indescribably enlightening.)

Here is your horoscope for Friday, April 09, 2010 (Happy Friday, to those of you who care about such things. Our malady from yesterday has been clearly proven to be the result of allergies, as it has all but disappeared since the rain cleansed the air of pollen. So We have yet another scourge to annoy Us in Our dotage. Lovely.):

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Everything will seem to make perfect sense, but that may not be the case. (Gee…ya think?)

If you're about to sign something, (Remember that Helen Keller is blind as well as deaf, so what’s the point?)

ask an impartial third party for a thorough review first. (Okay, or that.)

It's not that you won't be on your toes, but that your toes may not be touching the ground. (Well, not if they’re behind Our ears.)

All systems are go -- physically, that is. (Well, if they all go at the same time, there’re gonna be issues. Especially with Our toes behind Our ears.)

But your mental and emotional health (Say whut?)

are just as important as your blood pressure. (And yet, if you wrap a sphygmomanometer around your head, it doesn’t tell you anything. (Sound it out, boyzzz and gurrlllzz; We’ll wait.))

A day off with the shades drawn couldn't hurt. (What an excellent idea! We think We shall take the day off! (Oh, wait…))

Something is definitely brewing, (With Our luck, it’s tea.)

and although you can't quite put your finger on what it might be, (Honey, We haven’t put Our finger on anything in YEARS.)

you'd be willing to put money on it. (If We had any.)

Use that instinct. (Our instincts are largely extinct. In general, they stink, We think, and are not in the pink. Also, the reigning Dane flies mainly on de plane, Boss, de plane! Who’s on top tonight, Boss? (Because there’s ALWAYS time for a little (heh) Hervé Villechaize joke.))

(Okay, We’re outtie. Happy weekend!)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

cowgrass…when it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

He’s The Wiz and he lives in Oz

Greetings, Extensions Reblackenize Indochinese Coiffure---

(Oh, fercrissakes, Micro$oft Weird™, don’t you know ANYTHING? Reblackenize: (vt) to blackenize again. (Blackenize: (vt) to cause to be blackener.) The opposite of rewhitelize. Read a book now and then. Jeebus.)

(Heh. “Rewhitelize”. We kill Us.)

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, April 8, 2010 (The weather, she is lovely, no? Lamentably, We find Ourselves under it. It is unclear to Us whether We have a cold, or whether We have developed allergies late in life. Clearly, Our male menopause is giving Us pause. Our throat is scratchy, Our nose is runny, and Our eyes are watery. We are great fun at parties. (There is also a pimple on Our butt. Which is, presumably, unrelated. But We thought you ought to know. (There isn’t really a pimple on Our butt. We just couldn’t think of a funny way to end this paragraph. Obviously, this wasn’t it.))):

(Comedy is hard. Speaking of which, as it has come to Our attention that it has been a while since We’ve had a video in here, here’s this. Abraham Lincoln is in it. It is not safe for work. (We’re gonna pause here for a mo-mo while y’all try to wrap your heads around the ramifications of the last two sentences.) Aaaaaaaannnddd here We go….)

(Okay, kidz, We waited AN HOUR for the video to "process", and it didn't. So now all y'all are just gonna hafta IMAGINE Abraham Lincoln in a not-safe-for-work video. You're welcome.)

(In other news, thank you to Our Sistah Ovella, who wished Us break a leg on Our audition yesterday.)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Ugh. (Seriously? You actually started your Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation) with “Ugh.” Way to be “glass half full”, @sshat.)

It feels like the whole world is playing dodge ball, and you want no part of it. (Is it just Us, or does dodge ball absolutely epitomize everything that is stupid about sports?)

Your mantra for today? 'Whatever.' (Our mantra for tomorrow? ‘Totally’.)

(Really, if One knew this Kelli person in real life, wouldn’t One simply be compelled to kill her with an axe?)

Remember, (The Alamo. (We forget (heh) exactly why, but it sounds a lot better than “remember the enema.”))

every day can't be great, (Oh, the cheerfulness, it scalds Us.)

or how could you appreciate them? (“Them”? Who are “them”? How ‘bout somebody translates this cr@p into Engrish for Us, ‘kay?)

You've had all the bickering you can stand. (And yet, not NEARLY enough dickering. (Heh. See what We did there?))

You're ready to deliver an extremely terse good-bye. (Kiss the terse goodbyeeeee….and point your @ss at Charo…)

(Yeah, We know. We just did that joke recently. YOU try writing this cr@p every day.)

You're not quite comfortable with the way things are going, but at least you have a plan -- which is more than your opponent can say. (We’d like you to meet Our opponent, Helen Keller. WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!)

Have your competitors met at the door by someone to gently inform them that this just isn't the best day to compete with you. (Wait…We have opponents AND competitors? Did We mention that We weren’t feeling well? Couldn’t We just have components? Or impeditors? (Oh, sure; now “impeditors” isn’t a word. Don’t MAKE Us reblackenize yo’ @ssz.))

Handing out flowers might soften the blow even further. (On the other hand, handing out bl0wj0bs is free. (But then We’d have to take “soften” out of the sentence.))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

cowgrass…when you care enough to send the very best)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night

Greetings, Early Reports Indicate Chiaroscuro---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 07, 2010 (Happy Hump Day, and welcome to an extremely abbreviated edition of Eric’s Daily Horoscope. We are off to beg, as actors do, for work, and, although We chose it totally at random, We are feeling every bit as attractive, although possibly slightly less talented, than the subject of today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Mais Oui Catherine Deneuve Inky Dinky Parlez Vous. The only reason We are telling all y’all this is so We don’t just say “fu(k it” and go back to bed.):

(Oh, and then, this evening, We have school.)


(On the plus side, We haven’t seen a cubicle in months.)

(Since We ate your brains yesterday, We figger that’s about all you can handle for one day. On with the show!)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

It's time for change of the not-so-subtle variety. (Well, that’s good. Because We are afraid We left Our suBtlety in Our other pants.)

This will no doubt be made quite evident to others by your actions, (No doubt.)

should anyone be (Subjunctively.)

foolish enough to challenge you. (Halt! Who goes there? (Great…We can’t even do a horoscope; what the h3ll are We gonna do at an audition?))

Don't buckle under, (Buckle up for safety, buckle up! Also, build me up, build me up, Buttercup Baby.)

(If anyone knows what the h3ll We’re talking about, please don’t tell Us. We don’t want to know. )

(Random Johnny Depp reference.)

but do go easy (We are nothing if not easy.)

on innocent bystanders -- and friends who once thought they knew you. (Kill ‘em all, and let G0d sort ‘em out.)

An emotional firestorm may be in the offing. (Hmm. Wherever did We leave Our asbestos bumbershoot? (Unlike Our American Cousin, which is, of course, the play that Lincoln was watching when he was shot, Our Asbestos Bumbershoot was a radio serial that was favored by Chester A. Arthur. (Unlike Lincoln, Chester A. Arthur was not assassinated. But Millard Fillmore’s mother was black. (Now that We have gotten you an A in American History, won’t you please go to Our audition for Us? KThxBye.))))

The good news is there are lots of ways to enjoy the heat without actually getting burned. (Well, you know what They say: If you can’t stand the heat, cut a b1tch in the kitchen.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

cowgrass….the other other white meat)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

One Pink Lady and how it turned ‘em on

Greetings, Ephesians Regret Inviting Corinthians---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, April 6, 2010 (So didja hear where California had a big earthquake? Mmm-hmm. Rehearsal. Stay tuned.):

(Speaking of rehearsal, We just wrote Our WaitStaff rehearsal schedule into Our actual datebook, thereby making it real. Day-um, We have a helluva lot of rehearsal for stuff people think We just make up on the spot. Now if We could just figger out who to bill those hours to…)

(We have less than nothing to report. In fact, if you were (subjunctively) to think of today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope as a black hole, and imagine that you would know less when you finished reading it than you did when you started, you wouldn’t be far from the truth. (Most of you, however, would continue to be far from Duluth.))

(See? Just reading that last bit killed off a couple of brain cells you’ll never get back.)

(Our Our-O-Scope.)

Expect to see your name in the paper after you're done being interviewed for the evening news and CNN. (Lone Gunman In Belltower Kills Fourteen, Wounds Thirty-Seven. Film at eleven. All good girls go to Heaven. But bad girls go EVERYWHERE.)

Once the glare of those bright lights has disappeared and you've collected what remains of your energy, (To say nothing (nothing!) of what remains of Our wits. (What happens when you’re down to your last wit? Can you still collect that? And is your last whit of wit more than or less than your last wit? And how do all of the foregoing relate to your last nerve? And what of the last straw…you know, the one that smoked a Camel on Brokeback Mountain? Inquiring minds want to know.))

(Kiss your brain goodbyeeeeee…and point Brenda Vaccaro…)

there'll also be autographs to sign. (Also commitment papers.)

Whew! (We’ll take “Words That Begin And End With W” for $500, Alex. What is “widow”…”willow”…winnow”…”wallow”.)

(Wow. (Heh.) Your brain is actually starting to eat itself. It’s like zombie cannibal brain. (Forget We said that…We just accidentally gave away a brilliant screenplay idea.))

Determined? Definitely. (And yet, only finitely ermined. Go figger.)

Hot on the trail? (More to the point, hot on the happy trail. (Did We mention that We spent last evening with college students? (Didja ever notice that the word “stud” is in there for a reason?)))

Absolutely. Discreet? No. (Absolutely FAAAAAABulous! Stoli, Sweetie Darling!)

Consider which of those qualities might be best received before you set out on your quest. (To follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far…to scream peanut butter ice cream.)

(In all honesty, your brain never stood a chance. Seriously. It’s a BLACK HOLE, folks.)

Whatever you've been telling yourself you really ought to say to the powers that be is exactly what you should say -- now. (Yeah, but, see, you’re assuming that, when We tell Ourself things, We listen.)

You're right, and you'll know it soon. (But if We don’t know it yet, doesn’t that mean that We’re wrong? No, really…THINK ABOUT IT.)

(What’s that you say? Only one brain cell left?)

(How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?)



(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

This is cowgrass. This is your brain on cowgrass. Any questions?)