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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Addams Family started when Uncle Fester f@rted



Greetings, Eunuchs Resent Insubordinate Countertenor---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, September 29, 2010  (Happy Hump Day, Humpsters!  (Humpster, humpster, in a dumpster, humping, humping Herman Munster (fu(king Tourette’s Syndrome)).  We just dropped in (to see what condition Our condition was in) because We didn’t drop in yesterday, but this will have to be quick (that’s what she said), as We are off today to Wilmington to do the advance work for Our performances there this weekend.  Latest reports from Our friends to the south are that We are going to sellout yet again, so get your tickets quick: http://www.shopcityfest.com/Fringe-Wilmington/Fringe-Performances/The-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly .  They are only five dollars. (No, you do not get fries with that.))

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Make a list of everyone you really want to mend fences with, and devote the day to doing just that. (Hmm…is it just Us, or does this “mending fences”  sound suspiciously like a lot of work?  And not only work, but the sort of rough-and-tumble blue-collar Little House On The Prairie type of work to which We Our Own Selves Personally are particularly unsuited?   We think We’ll be giving this “mending fences” business a miss, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

(Speaking of work, We are headed to Wilmington today to Assess The Technical Situation.  
(The Technical Situation, for the civilians amongst you, encompasses things like the size and shape of the performance space (will Our big fat @ssz fit into it?), dressing rooms and bathrooms, and equipment that makes light (so the audience can see Our big fat @ssz eclipsing the sun) and sound (to cover up the sound of Our thighs rubbing together as We waddle.)

We are making a new non-parenthetical sentence in the middle of this parenthetical to inform you that Micro$oft Weird™ just felt compelled to inform Us that the PREVIOUS parenthetical (beginning with “The Technical Situation…”) is a LONG sentence, and did We want to revise it?  Why, no, We did not, and perhaps you might want to do something about your SHORT attention span, Ricky Retard-O.

Why they are sending Us to handle any of this, when We are possibly the least technical person anyone has ever met, is beyond Us.  Fortunately, We will be accompanied by a highly skilled technical person, so perhaps We are just there as a cheerleader.  Whatever have we done with Our pompoms?)

Forget about what you said and why you said it, and vice versa. (We have already forgotten the beginning of the preceding sentence.)

Think about what you miss, (Being able to see Our feet?)

why you miss it (Duh.)

and how just one short conversation can fix it all.  (Only if that conversation is with Jenny Craig.)

It may have seemed like an awkward thing to say or do, but you made your point. (Of course, no one was LISTENING, but still…)

Trust that, and refuse to think shoulda-woulda-coulda. (We do indeed refuse to think in non-words.  @sshat.)

What's the use?  (We may just replace Our entire wardrobe with T-shirts that say this.)

Admit your errors. (We would.  If We ever made any.  (We thought we were wrong once, but We were mistaken.))

Smile, nod and shrug your shoulders -- a lot. (Is this some new workout plan of which We are unaware?)

Then go back to your room, lock yourself in a closet and have a tantrum, with no expletives deleted.  (First of all, have you met Us?  We don’t do “in the closet”.  Also, what’s the use (heh) of a perfectly good tantrum if no one can see or hear it?  Jeebus.  Also also, We hardly need to be encouraged to use Our expletives, you dicklicking roachfu(ker.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Cowgrass…I can’t believe I ate the whole thing)

Monday, September 27, 2010

My show takes place in a brothel in West Germany



Greetings, Endust™ Removes Infinitesimal Cockroachdroppings---

(We have no idea why Endust™ popped into Our head(s).  Certainly nothing involving Our immediate surroundings.  However, it does beg the question as to why these brilliantly witty and yet commercially viable epistles have yet to attract corporate sponsorship.  Hmmm…)

(We refuse to even argue with Micro$oft Weird™ about the wordliness of “cockroachdroppings”.  (Or, for that matter, the wordliness of “wordliness”.  Clearly, they thought We meant “worldliness”.  But We didn’t.))

Here is your horoscope for Monday, September 27, 2010  (Jeebus H. Cripes on a cracker, it’s practically the end of September!  At this rate, it will be Christmas by the weekend.  (We would like to take this opportunity to point out that most of Our Christmas shopping is already done, and has been since January.  Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because much of it is wrapped, as well.)  In other news, happy birthday to Nico, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Corinna, who, in a bizarre Erix Daily Horoscope Vortex Of Co-Inky-Dink, ALSO turns twenty-four today.):

(So We did Our show at Ursinus on Saturday, in front of a sold-out house.  (If one can correctly refer to a house full of people who got in for free as “sold out”.)  Next weekend, Wilmington.  Get your five-dolla tickies here, round-eyes:  http://www.shopcityfest.com/Fringe-Wilmington/Fringe-Performances/The-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly (Who the h3ll was that Chinawoman, and why was she wh0ring Our show?  (Why doesn’t Micro$oft Weird™ think “Chinawoman” is a word?  And where the h3ll is Mistah Eddie’s Father when ya need him? (Why does nobody think of Bill Bixby anymore?))))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:


)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You'll be quite confident and self-assured under any and all circumstances.  (Well, of course.  We are wearing Depends™.  No one needs to know that We’re sitting here in a pile of Our own p00p. Unless, of course, they have functional olfactory receptors.  Or can hear Us squishing.)

(See, an ORDINARY Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) would have said “unless, of course, they can smell Us”.  (Well, actually, they would have said “smell ME”, because if they were ORDINARY, they’d have no business using The Royal We.)  Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, however, We are a (unt ABOVE the ordinary, and, much as Our opposable thumbs set Us apart from former Alaskan governors, Our cunning linguistic  skills set Us apart from ordinary Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s.)

Unfortunately, that confidence may be blown out of proportion. (Well, it’s about d@mn time SOMETHING got blown around here.)

Be sure you have what it takes to back up that swagger before you start swaggering – (If you look at the word “swagger” long enough, it completely ceases to look like a word at all.  Try it and see…We’ll wait:  SWAGGER…)

(See?)

no matter (Bonus Question: What is the difference between “no matter” and “antimatter”?  Extra credit for delineating the relationship between antimacassars and the Matterhorn.)

(What? YOU try spending your Saturday night surrounded by adoring hordes of freshly-scrubbed college students, and see how much sense YOU make on Monday morning.)

(We are now mentally composing a song entitled “Adoring Hordes” to the tune of “Amazing Grace”.  We’ll let you know how that turns out.)

how bulletproof you think you are.  (Dunno ‘bout that, but We can pretty much guarantee that We are 100% balletproof.)

If it were possible, (Everyone would understand the subjunctive.  But people are stupid.)

this would be the kind of astrological energy that people would pay big bucks for. (Why couldn’t We have been the guy that thought up bottled water?)

So if you're interested in someone, you should mention it. (Johnny Depp, to the white courtesy phone please…)

Right now.  (Pushy much?  Bee-yotch.)

Self-satisfied? (Is there anyone reading who DIDN’T think that was a euphemism? (Meanwhile, what’s a euphemism for euphemism?))

Just try not to be too smug. (Smug as a thug on a drug.)

Wearing that facial expression for too long creates wrinkles -- in the wrong places.   (So where exactly would the RIGHT places for wrinkles be?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Cowgrass…deliciously different)

My show takes place in a brothel in West Germany



Greetings, Endust™ Removes Infinitesimal Cockroachdroppings---

(We have no idea why Endust™ popped into Our head(s).  Certainly nothing involving Our immediate surroundings.  However, it does beg the question as to why these brilliantly witty and yet commercially viable epistles have yet to attract corporate sponsorship.  Hmmm…)

(We refuse to even argue with Micro$oft Weird™ about the wordliness of “cockroachdroppings”.  (Or, for that matter, the wordliness of “wordliness”.  Clearly, they thought We meant “worldliness”.  But We didn’t.))

Here is your horoscope for Monday, September 27, 2010  (Jeebus H. Cripes on a cracker, it’s practically the end of September!  At this rate, it will be Christmas by the weekend.  (We would like to take this opportunity to point out that most of Our Christmas shopping is already done, and has been since January.  Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because much of it is wrapped, as well.)  In other news, happy birthday to Nico, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Corinna, who, in a bizarre Erix Daily Horoscope Vortex Of Co-Inky-Dink, ALSO turns twenty-four today.):

(So We did Our show at Ursinus on Saturday, in front of a sold-out house.  (If one can correctly refer to a house full of people who got in for free as “sold out”.)  Next weekend, Wilmington.  Get your five-dolla tickies here, round-eyes:  http://www.shopcityfest.com/Fringe-Wilmington/Fringe-Performances/The-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly (Who the h3ll was that Chinawoman, and why was she wh0ring Our show?  (Why doesn’t Micro$oft Weird™ think “Chinawoman” is a word?  And where the h3ll is Mistah Eddie’s Father when ya need him? (Why does nobody think of Bill Bixby anymore?))))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:


)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You'll be quite confident and self-assured under any and all circumstances.  (Well, of course.  We are wearing Depends™.  No one needs to know that We’re sitting here in a pile of Our own p00p. Unless, of course, they have functional olfactory receptors.  Or can hear Us squishing.)

(See, an ORDINARY Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) would have said “unless, of course, they can smell Us”.  (Well, actually, they would have said “smell ME”, because if they were ORDINARY, they’d have no business using The Royal We.)  Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, however, We are a (unt ABOVE the ordinary, and, much as Our opposable thumbs set Us apart from former Alaskan governors, Our cunning linguistic  skills set Us apart from ordinary Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s.)

Unfortunately, that confidence may be blown out of proportion. (Well, it’s about d@mn time SOMETHING got blown around here.)

Be sure you have what it takes to back up that swagger before you start swaggering – (If you look at the word “swagger” long enough, it completely ceases to look like a word at all.  Try it and see…We’ll wait:  SWAGGER…)

(See?)

no matter (Bonus Question: What is the difference between “no matter” and “antimatter”?  Extra credit for delineating the relationship between antimacassars and the Matterhorn.)

(What? YOU try spending your Saturday night surrounded by adoring hordes of freshly-scrubbed college students, and see how much sense YOU make on Monday morning.)

(We are now mentally composing a song entitled “Adoring Hordes” to the tune of “Amazing Grace”.  We’ll let you know how that turns out.)

how bulletproof you think you are.  (Dunno ‘bout that, but We can pretty much guarantee that We are 100% balletproof.)

If it were possible, (Everyone would understand the subjunctive.  But people are stupid.)

this would be the kind of astrological energy that people would pay big bucks for. (Why couldn’t We have been the guy that thought up bottled water?)

So if you're interested in someone, you should mention it. (Johnny Depp, to the white courtesy phone please…)

Right now.  (Pushy much?  Bee-yotch.)

Self-satisfied? (Is there anyone reading who DIDN’T think that was a euphemism? (Meanwhile, what’s a euphemism for euphemism?))

Just try not to be too smug. (Smug as a thug on a drug.)

Wearing that facial expression for too long creates wrinkles -- in the wrong places.   (So where exactly would the RIGHT places for wrinkles be?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Cowgrass…deliciously different)

Friday, September 24, 2010

I’m like a prisoner, captured by your eyes…



Greetings, Effortless Repainting Invigorates Conservatory---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, September 24, 2010 (Ordinarily, when We are this tardy with an Erix Daily Horoscope installment, We just give up and wait for the next day.  However, We were favorably reviewed in a completely unexpected forum yesterday, so we felt compelled to show up and wish all y’all a happy Friday.):

(And WHY were We tardy, you ask?  (Oh, yes, you do; We saw your lips move.) We were out and about at the cr@ck of @ssz, auditioning for a Pennsylvania Lottery commercial.  On Our way home, We bought a Pennsylvania Lottery ticket.  We are pretty sure that Our chances of either of these things turning out well for Us are just about equal.  On the plus side, Our bus ride TO the audition was free, and We found three pennies in Our travels, so We’re counting it as a win.  (You may have noticed that We will count just about any old thing as a win these days.  A regular Pollyanna P. Purebread, We are.))

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “out and about” to “out”.  What’s THAT about?  (It also suggested “active” or “mobile”.  How the h3ll does Micro$oft Weird™ know what We were doing when We were out and about?  Is it stalking Us?  (More to the point, why didn’t it have any problem with Our second use of “out and about”?)))

(Additionally, Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “pretty sure” to “sure”.  Who the fu(k is Micro$oft Weird™ to tell Us how sure We are?)

(In other news, you can read about Our upcoming appearance in the Wilmington Fringe here: http://www.delawareonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=20109240315 .  Also, you can go here http://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets.  Also also, We are appearing this Saturday night at 7PM in some theater at Ursinus College for the low, low price of FREE. Are We two-bit wh0res, or what? (If you will be in the vicinity of Uranus College, ask Us for actual details.))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:
)

(Meanwhile, you will notice that We have run out of Historic SitOnOurFaceBook Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Rene Auberjonois , so We have gone another route. (Also, please do not imagine that We had any earthly clue how to spell “Auberjonois without looking it up…We ARE The Sh1t, but We are not THAT MUCH The Sh1t.))

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You’re like the match that lights off the fireworks today — without you, it’s just a big waste of time and money. (Okay, that?  Was Our nickname in high school.)

Once you get things going, though, (Oh, sure. We have to do EVERYTHING.  Stick a broom up Our @ssz and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)

everyone should see just how lovely it all can be.  (Not as lovely as We were earlier, in long pants, shoes, and socks in this weather.  Either it is Indian summer, or someone has thrown a few extra Indians on the fire.)

You’re in the mood to hibernate, big time — which is quite unusual for you. (Have you met Us?  We would cheerfully stay in bed till the cows come home to sing to the fat lady.  (Speaking of fat ladies, dear fat lady wearing all black in today’s heat:  no.  Just, no.  Stay home, fercrissakes.))

In fact, it has you worried. (Nothing a cabana boy fanning Us with a palm frond and serving Us frosty umbrella drinks wouldn’t cure.)

Could a permanent change in your personality be coming on? (No.  We’re schizophrenic, and so are We.  (On first blush, One would imagine that joke working much less well with The Royal We. 
But upon reflection, One savors it like a fine wine and appreciates the added airs of nuance. (Yes, That Smell You Smell is the NUANCE.  Deal with it.)))

 Of course not. (Wh0re snot.)

(What?)

Stay snuggled up in those pj’s just as long as you want. (It is a hundred and twelve degrees in the shade.  While We shall cheerfully go back to bed if called upon to do so, snuggling up in PJs can go fu(k itself.  (Also, never attempt to pluralize by adding an apostrophe-S.  @sshat.))

Soon, you’ll be yourself again (And the crowd goes wild!)

— in the mood to wear something red and revealing, (Does that mean red footie pajamas with the trap door open?)

and eager to make up for lost time. (Obviously, it does!)

In fact, expect to be burning the candle at both ends again, as usual, in just a day or so.  (Is it just Us, or is Kelli developing a major majorette fetish?)

Look to the universe and feel its power flow! (Great…now The Universe is menstruating on Us.  As if things weren’t bad enough already.)

You’re full of energy (See?  That Smell You Smell (OTHER than the Nuance) is ENERGY.)

— and inspiring others, too. (Well, as long as We can ignore the others as soundly as they’ve been ignoring Us.)

You may even be moved to do something completely spontaneous (Combust?)

that influences your love life.  (There should be a “black hole” joke right about here, but We really can’t be arsed to invent it.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
What becomes a cowgrass most?)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Gypsies, tramps, and counterrevolutionaries



Greetings, Earnest Revolutionary Idolizes Che ---

(Micro$oft  Weird™ appears not to know who Che is, suggesting, if you can imagine, that We replace him with Cher.  The revolution is gonna be a whole different ballgame with gowns by Bob Mackie.)

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, September 23, 2010 (After ten years and twenty seasons, CBS moved Survivor from Thursday to Wednesday.  Now We never know what the fu(k day it is anymore.):

(In other news, you can go here http://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets to see the WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at the Wilmington Fringe.  Also, We are appearing this Saturday night at 7PM in some theater at Ursinus College for the low, low price of FREE. Are We two-bit wh0res, or what? (If you will be in the vicinity of Uranus College, ask Us for actual details.))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:


)

(In still other wh0ring news, here’s this (bonus points if you get why We’re wh0ring a wine-tasting blog):


)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You won't see it unless you've got a keen eye for details and subtle signals, but there is most definitely a major change coming your way -- and soon. (Oh, please.  In Our life, “major change” means We found a nickel in the gutter instead of a penny.)

Pay attention, (I’m sorry…what?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  We got a million of ‘em.  (Mainly because nobody will pay for ‘em, and We can’t even give ‘em away.))

and think of what you could accomplish over the next two weeks if you really put your mind to it.  (Yeah, but what happened to “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”?)

You've had all the bickering you can stand. (Although We could certainly do with a good dickering. And it’s high time We hung out with friends on Pickering Wharf.  Presumably while liquoring, dickering optional.  (Dunno ‘bout you, but We clearly feel another children’s book coming on.))

You're ready to deliver an extremely terse good-bye. (You say goodbye, and We say hello.  Hello, hello.  We don’t know why you say goodbye; We say hello.  (Oh…did We get that song stuck in your wittle heads?  Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.))

Just be sure you don't rush out immediately to find yourself another worthy opponent.  (If they are opposed to Us, they are, by definition, UNworthy.  Don’t you know who We think We are?)

Better grab power naps while you can. (In between gingersnaps, while wearing stocking caps, and emptying lobster traps.  (Again with a NewEnglandese reference.  We really should hurry and get there before they close for the winter…))

 In two short weeks, (Wait…they’re shortening the weeks now?)

you'll need all the energy you can muster. (Yeah, We’re not so much on the mustering.)

Oh, and vitamins wouldn't be a bad idea, either.  (Also, cocaine.  (We are marching to Euphoria…))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Cowgrass…melts in your mouth, not in your hands)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

You can ring my beh-eh-ell, ring my bell



Greetings,  Entenmann’s™ Raspberry Inspires Carboloading---

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “carboloading” is a word.  Micro$oft Weird™ has apparently not noticed Our @ssz eclipsing the sun.)

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, September 22, 2010 (We have absolutely nothing to report, but We got email from OurShaun in London, England, Britain, UK yesterday saying that he “loved” yesterday’s horoscope.  And, since Our wit wasn’t particularly scintillating, We are guessing that what he loved was the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Crème Brulee Nanette Fabray Robert Goulet Why Do The French Love Jerry Lewis.   So, since We have another one like it, We thought We’d share.):

(Also, Happy Hump Day. If you are humping, We don’t want to hear about it.  If you are humpbacked, on the other hand, you can ring our bell.)

(In other news, you can go here http://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets to see the WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at the Wilmington Fringe.  Also, We are appearing this Saturday night at 7PM in some theater at Ursinus College for the low, low price of FREE. Are We two-bit wh0res, or what? (If you will be in the vicinity of Uranus College, ask Us for actual details.))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:


)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to reach out and help your friends who are in need — and there may be quite a few of them! (Alright, you needy b1tches, line up for gruel.)

You probably won’t get too much done of your own business, (Well, We suppose not.  All this damn gruel ain’t gonna make itself.)

but you should have plenty of time tomorrow. (Also, your son’ll come out tomorrow.  Bet your bottom dollar he’s a bottom.)

In a gaggle of geese, you’re a swan. (What the fu(k is THAT supposed to mean?)

In a clutch of hens, you’re the head bird. (The word you’re looking for is “cock”.  (Come (heh) to think of it, the word MOST of Us are looking for is “cock”.))

(A-doodle-doo.  Also, yabba-dabba-doo, and a little dab’ll do ya.  BOO-yah!)

(What?)

In a flock of nightingales, you’ve got the sweetest and most powerful voice. (Also, We taste like chicken.  Really OLD chicken, but still.)

Yep, (“Yep”?)

you’re kind of a natural leader type. (Also, this is Our natural hair color.)

And right now, you’ve got just the right inspiration as to where to go and how to get there. (Why is it getting so warm in here, and what are We doing in this handbasket?)

This inspiration will turn you into a 100 percent bona fide top bird. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Tippi Hedren.)

So go ahead and crow until everybody listens. (Or possibly Mary Martin. (If you actually got that, you are (A.) very, very old and (2.) gayer than Liberace’s purse fu(king Charles Nelson Reilly’s ascot in a field of pansies while Paul Lynde’s Tuesday panties look on and sip a banana daiquiri with an umbrella in it.))

You’ve got great creative flow and vision  (Quick…who’s got a Maxi-Pad™?)

— which is ideal for work, but also great for any romantic endeavors. (Is it just Us, or is there absolutely nothing romantic about an “endeavor”?)

Dream up a hilarious message to someone special, (Your entire family has been eaten by rabid dogs!)

(It strikes Us that that sounded like a fortune cookie message and, as such, should definitely end with “in bed”.)

or issue the perfect invite! (Hey, We already made gruel for all you needy b1tches…what the h3ll else do you want from Us?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Have you driven a cowgrass lately?)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

At last all too well I can see where we all soon will be



Greetings, Entourage Repulses Indiscreet Celebrity---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, September 21, 2010 (Oh, my dears.  We attended a focus group last night, where ten of the dullest people on this or any other planet sat around talking for two hours about cable television.  The dullness, the tedium, the ennui…We kept praying for a cigarette break.  We actually went to the rest room at one point, just so We could talk to Ourselves and possibly stay awake.  (Eric Junior told Us a joke.  He’s funny that way.  (Not so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny…he spit on me, so I broke his neck”. (We would repeat the joke, but it was too dirty for polite company such as yourselves.  (Hey, We’re telling you Our p3nis told Us a joke…did you think it WOULDN’T be dirty?)))):

(That’s a whole lotta stuff about d1ck so early in the morning.  In other news, you can go here http://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets to see the WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at the Wilmington Fringe.  Are We two-bit wh0res, or what?)

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:

)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to keep things close to home today — in fact, it’s best if you do as little as possible. (You should be so proud of Us…We were going to run away to DownaShore for a couple of days this week, but We decided not to spend the money that We don’t have.  So We’re staying home and being cranky.  Yay, Us!)

Your energy is just right for quiet, domestic tasks (Should We darn a  sock or tat a doily?  Decisions, decisions.)

or for just chilling in front of the TV. (Season premiere of Glee…problem solved!)

 It’s pretty hard to plan for the future (When it’s been cancelled.)

when you don’t have a solid understanding of what’s happening in the present. (Wait…there are presents?)

Oh sure, you kind of have an idea of what’s going on (Heh.  Fooled YOU.)

— heck, (“Heck”?)

you know as much as most people do. (Somehow, with “most people” being the fu(king morons that they are, We don’t find this comforting.)

But you are a deep, psychologically insightful person, (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

and you have the tools to really, truly grasp what your current world looks like.  (We’re not exactly sure how much help a Phillips head screwdriver is going to be in this instance.  Should We go buy an adz?  Or will this monkey wrench suffice?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that, instead of an adz, We might want to buy an ad.  Apparently, Micro$oft Weird™ HAS met Us after all.  (Although, having suggested that, why is it now claiming that “ad” is misspelled?  And suggesting, as a replacement, “ad”???  Micro$oft Weird™ is…well…WEIRD.))

If you do this, then you greatly enhance the chances that the plans you make will be relevant and effective. (Is it just Us, or do “relevant” and “effective” plans sound like no fun whatsoever?)

So go to it!  (We keep getting distracted by bright shiny Internetz…didja know it’s Larry Hagman’s birthday?)

Patience is hard to come by (When you’re an ARIES, you fu(king moron.)

when dealing with your love life today. (Wait…We have a love life?)

Can you try to wait it out? (Oh, see, We must have misunderstood you the first time…We’ve been trying to WEIGHT it out.  And, judging from the size of Our @ssz, We’ve been doing an excellent job.)

Letting things unfold naturally, (What kind of advice is this?  Do you sit around waiting for your laundry to “fold naturally”?  We don’t think so.)

or letting them come to you, (Insert dirty joke told by Eric Junior here.)

 is the best way to go for now. (Well, THERE’S a self-help book that nobody’s gonna read.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):
http://www.humorscope.com
 There’s always room for cowgrass)