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Friday, December 31, 2010

We’ll take a sports cup of kindness yet





Greetings, Ebullient Radical Irritates Conservatives---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, December 31, 2010 (We have absolutely nothing to report, but hotmail informs Us that it neglected to alert all of Our gmail-using readers to yesterday’s installment, so We thought We’d give it another shot.  The WorldWideInterWebNetz are being particularly irritating to Us today, what with everyone and their mother making their 2010 Top Ten Lists, largely of Things They Are Grateful For.  We Our Own Self Personally were going to craft a list of Top Ten Things That Make Us Wanna Puke Up Our Spleen, but then We decided that We didn’t really know who all was reading this, and We would hate for any of all y’all to recognize yourself on such a list on the morning of the Amateur Night Holiday.  You’re welcome.):

(Also, it just occurred to Us that some of you may actually be at work (egad) today, so This Bud’s For You. (What’d he say?))

(We are reprinting the following paragraph from yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope for the benefit of gmail users who may have missed it.  Also, because We got absolutely no response.):
(In terms of other New Year-related activities, We are attempting to imagine the reinvention of these humble pages as a vehicle for, if not fiscal recompense, at least some notoriety beyond the seven of all y’all who currently read them.  Any and all suggestions in this regard are welcome.  It is unclear to Us whether any of all y’all ever share Our musings with others, although We do seem to have one Google Reader follower whom We do not know personally.  Yay, Us.  Also, We are the only thing you find if you Google “Abraham Lincoln” and “A Lady from Ealing” together.  So there’s that.  Sigh. 2011 is going to be a long year.)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You may feel fully recharged, (Wait…they’re gonna charge Us twice?!?)

but only by the end of the day. (At the end of the day you’re another day older.  Also, We intend to give the end of the day a miss.)

 It’s a good time to be at your best, (One would imagine that that particular sentence would be true pretty much…well, ALWAYS, you Ass(tromalogical) Ho(bag).  Jeebus!  Way to utter worthless prognostications on the eve of a stupid new year, bee-yotch.)

but you should expect to need to lie low until night falls. (Thud.)

Then, anything goes (Don’t’cha just hate when you’re minding your own business, and all of a sudden a random Cole Porter musical breaks out?)

— so have a blast!  (And a toot! And a snort!  And a hoot, and possibly a holler!  And an egg roll, Mister Goldstone.)

Friendships are more important to you than ever, and you are rightfully proud of the fact that you’ve grown into a supportive, wise and caring ally for those special people in your life. (Ah, yes, the special people. All of Our friends who ride the short bus.  Casting Our pearls before ‘tards, We are.  Explains a lot, doesn’t it?)

Right now, someone you care about is going through some tough times — and you don’t know what to do about it. (See, that’s like one of those stories that starts out “I have this friend…”, and you KNOW the person is talking about their own self, but you both pretend it’s about somebody else, because it usually winds up with something really embarrassing, like exploding hemorrhoids, or naked Siamese twin nuns on a trapeze.)

 This helpless feeling is normal, (The converse, however, is not true.)

but you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. (So We should hire someone else to beat Us up?)

They have to help themselves right now. (Well, ya know, G0d helps those who help themselves.  (Is it just Us, or does that saying make G0d sound kind of useless?))

 All you can do is make it clear to them that you’ll be there when they need you.  (Awwww.  Are We a helluva guy, or what?)

Emotions could suddenly arise today and make life pretty weird (Wait…it gets weirder?!?)

— to say the least. (Why does nobody ever say “to say the most”?)

A long talk with an old friend can help sort things out, (An old talk with a long friend, on the other hand…)

 and might be better than just spouting stuff out at random!  (Somebody call The Euphemism Police!)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )


Thursday, December 30, 2010

Grease is the word




Greetings, Exclaiming, “Rooster!” Intimidates Cock---

(Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!  (Any Cock’ll Do!))

(Erix Daily Horoscope…it’s like Sesame Street, for grown-ups.)

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, December 30, 2010 (Happy New Years Eve Eve Eve was weak to all you New Years Eve Eve Yves Montand celebrators out there.  We Our Own Selves Personally plan to just watch The Poseidon Adventure and call it a night.  Fortunately, We only look like Shelley Winters from the back.):

(In terms of other New Year-related activities, We are attempting to imagine the reinvention of these humble pages as a vehicle for, if not fiscal recompense, at least some notoriety beyond the seven of all y’all who currently read them.  Any and all suggestions in this regard are welcome.  It is unclear to Us whether any of all y’all ever share Our musings with others, although We do seem to have one Google Reader follower whom We do not know personally.  Yay, Us.  Also, We are the only thing you find if you Google “Abraham Lincoln” and “A Lady from Ealing” together.  So there’s that.  Sigh. 2011 is going to be a long year.)

(In random other news, We continue to have bizarre dreams on an ongoing basis.  Two quick bizarre dream recaps:  in one, John Travolta was on the roof of the house next door to Our childhood home, n@ked and masturbating at passersby. (Not old, fat John Travolta, mind you.  But not young, built John Travolta either.  More like a thirty-ish John Travolta who hadn’t swallowed too many Bens and Jerrys. (One wonders why Micro$oft Weird™ accepts “Bens” but not “Jerrys”.  Then One sees that it doesn’t accept “-ish” either, and One throws up One’s hands.  Then One wonders why the h3ll One ever swallowed One’s hands in the first place.)))

(As for the second, We need to tell you that We frequently have Poseidon Adventure-related dreams.  Sometimes We are on the capsized ship, and other times We are aware that it is a movie, and we are either acting in it, or watching missing scenes.  In the most recent dream, as the ship was turning over, We calmly walked down the gangplank onto the dock (why the ship was turning over at the dock, We haven’t got any idea), and spent the rest of the dream on Our cell phone with the cruise line, trying to get Our money back.)

(And We wonder why no one dates Us.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Though life isn’t exactly comfortable right now, (We have a brand new bathrobe. We may never leave the house again.)


you can still get a lot done.  (But can We get a lot well done?  More to the point, can We get a lot bloody, bloody, bloody Joan Crawford rare?)

 It may be best for you to close your door or turn off your phone (Or mix your Midol™ with speed…have your period six times in one day.)

— anything that can help you to relax. (A nice dickie leaps to mind.)

(Meanwhile, The Sainted Mother forwarded this to Us yesterday.  It is an email from a company from which she ordered a pre-owned book.  We would go work for them, but they live in some big square state that grows corn:

“Hello!      
         
(Your book(s) asked to write you a personal note - it seemed unusual, but who are we to say no?)            
             
Holy canasta! It's me... it's me! I can't believe it is actually me! You could have picked any of over 2 million books but you picked me! I've got to get packed! How is the weather where you live? Will I need a dust jacket? I can't believe I'm leaving Mishawaka, Indiana already - the friendly people, the Hummer plant, the Linebacker Lounge - so many memories. I don't have much time to say goodbye to everyone, but it's time to see the world!              
               
I can't wait to meet you! You sound like such a well read person. Although, I have to say, it sure has taken you a while! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but how would you like to spend five months sandwiched between Jane Eyre (drama queen) and Fundamentals of Thermodynamics (pyromaniac)? At least Jane was an upgrade from that stupid book on brewing beer. How many times did the ol' brewmaster have one too many and topple off our shelf at 2am?              
               
I know the trip to meet you will be long and fraught with peril, but after the close calls I've had, I'm ready for anything (besides, some of my best friends are suspense novels). Just five months ago, I thought I was a goner. My owner was moving and couldn't take me with her. I was sure I was landfill bait until I ended up in a Better World Books book drive bin. Thanks to your socially conscious book shopping, I've found a new home. Even better, your book buying dollars are helping kids read from Brazil to Botswana.              
               
But hey, enough about me…”  Seriously?)
             

 The energy around you today is powerful, (We had chili for dinner last night.)

so take it seriously!  (Thank you, oh, interrobang of Serious McSeriousness.)

Keep in mind that everything will be magnified 10 times at least (And We STILL probably won’t be able to read it.)

… tiptoeing around the house could cause walls to crumble, (Imagine what tiptoeing through the tulips could do.  God bless Us, every one.)

and a firm handshake could sprain a wrist. (Limp wrists sink ships…no, wait…loose lips swing hips…d@mn those old sayings; why do they never make any sense?)

You can’t even imagine what could happen if you smile at someone a little too long!  (But We’re pretty sure pyorrhea is involved.)

(It’s okay…We’ll wait while you go look it up.)

The bottom line is that you carry extra weight today (Manny, take this and give it to Our grandson.)

and can make a lot happen with little effort. (Oh, please. It’s past one o’clcok, and We’re still writing this stupid horoscope.)

 Make the most of it — take a big risk.  (Walk softly and carry a big dickie.)

You might have some pent-up energy that’s not perfect for romance, so power through a work project in order to direct it productively. (There were a number of words in that sentence that We didn’t recognize, individually or in groups.  And We ain’t lookin’ ‘em up, neither.)

The flip side is you’ve got the chance for progress and regeneration. (Don’t MAKE Us slap you, bee-yotch.  (Actually, We have no idea what she’s talking about.))

(Shout-outs to all y’all who welcomed Us back yesterday.  Don’t be strangers.  (Well, don’t be any stranger than you already are.))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified




Greetings, Eloquent Rebel Inspires Counterdemonstration---

(Heh.  Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “counterdemonstration”.  Which is, of course, a demonstration of counters.  (All together now: “One…two…three” (Hey, who put these @nal beads on Our abacus?)))

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, December 29, 2010 (Yes, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We are back.  From outer space.  We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.  We should have changed that stupid lock, We should have made you leave your key, if We’d have known for just one second you were Crocodile Dundee.)

(Sorry.)

(Didn’t see that coming, though, didja?  (Meanwhile it will interest absolutely no one to know (although We wasted time Googling it on Wikipedia, so We are going to tell you anyway) that Paul Hogan (aka Crocodile Dundee)  is now seventy-one years old and, despite being a complete waste of space, has had more of a career than we will ever have.  Happy Fu(king new Year.))

(So, didja miss Us?  ()  Well, at any rate, a big post-Christmas g’day (stupid Crocodile Dundee) to MizDonna, who actually DID miss Us.)

(Speaking of Christmas, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Shia LaBeouf (isn’t that “the beef” in Frawnch?  Who the h3ll’s name is “The Beef”?) is a Christmas pixture that was displaced by last week’s Boy Who Had Candy.  Deal and cope.)

(We are not, naturally, going to recount (one…two…three…) all of Our Christmas adventures for all y’all, as We would be here all week (try the veal).  However, We will tell you just one brief Christmas anecdote which is sure to warm the cockles of your tasteful little hearts.  (We just looked up “cockles”, and “what the fu(k are they doing in your heart?”  The answer was not all that interesting.)  When We asked The Sainted Mother what she would like for Christmas, one of the answers she gave was that she would very much like some dickies.  Now, while We were indeed familiar with dickies (although We hadn’t actually seen any for quite some time), We were totally flummoxed as to where One might actually purchase a dickie or two.  Nevertheless, We rolled up Our sleeves and began to search Our WorldWideInterWebNetz for purveyors of dickies.  You would no doubt be amazed by some of Our search results.  We did, however, finally find appropriate dickies in the end, and were able to provide The Sainted Mother with a white dickie, a black dickie, and several other colors of dickie to use as the mood strikes her, and a happy Christmas was had by all.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You’re not selfish by nature, (See also: Aries, definition of.)

though some do see you that way. (We weren’t aware that We were seeing anyone.)

Make a big show of deferring gratification today, (What do defecating graduates have to do with anything?)

 if only to prove to the world that you take other people seriously.  (We find it difficult to take people seriously when they are p00ping in a cap and gown.)

Conflict is never fun, (Then how come high school wrestlers always pop boners?)

but today’s conflict is something you need to try to enjoy (Well, send over a couple of high school wrestlers, and We’ll try Our best.)

— after all, you’re on the right side. (Of COURSE We are.  We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken.)

(Did We actually just say “pop boners”?  (All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased his boner…))

(Sorry.)

(So whaddaya think the chances are of Our Christmas dickie story becoming as big a hit as that wretched thing about the Christmas shoes?  Perhaps if We turn it into a country-western song.  (We did, after all, put the “(unt” in “country”.)  Quick, all y’all start thinking of things that rhyme with “dickie” while I get Olivia Newton-John on the phone.)

This storm (Oh, no, ya don’t.  We’ve already shoveled snow once this week.)

may be raging more at the people around you than at you directly, so this affords you the luxury of distance. (Does that come with a gift receipt?)

Stick to your guns (And skip to your loo.)

and don’t back down, (Also, don’t LOOK down.  Or in the basement.  Or in the last house on the left.)

no matter how hard the pressure may be. (From your lips to G0d’s Blackberry.)

You know what you’re doing. (What?)

Respect the choices others may make — you can’t understand their motivations unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. (And even if you don’t understand ‘em, by then you’re a mile away from the jackasses, and you’ve got their shoes.)

You’ve got a real way with connections this morning (So We should be buying drugs?)

— you’ve got all kinds of ways to draw people out, from finding common ground to making the most of differences.  (Did We all join hands and sing “Kumbaya” yet?)

(It will come as no surprise to anyone that We had to look up “Kumbaya” to ensure that We were spelling it properly.  “Someone’s p00ping lard, kumbaya…”)

 Tonight, though, you may be rather shy.  (A coupla sandwiches shy of a picnic, no doubt.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )


Friday, December 17, 2010

I have flown to Moscow; it’s very gay. Well, anyway on the first of May.




(You will note that We have departed (dearly) from Our Christmas-themed series of Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Beaujolais Negligee Bain De Soleil Fifi D’Orsay, but come on, people!  We are only human, and he has CANDY!)

Greetings, Evergreens Revitalize Inspirationless Crèche---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, December 17, 2010 (So meanwhile, while the rest of Us are contemplating the young gentleman’s candy, and the likelihood of its semblance to an  All-Day Sucker, Our str8 boi readers are all, “Who the fu(k is Fifi D’Orsay?”  Little do they know that just mentally absorbing the phrase “Fifi D’Orsay” will turn you gay for the rest of the day. Olé, hooray, Nanette Fabray.):

(So, as promised, yesterday, We trudged out into The Weather, where We had Our fangs waxed, obtained a losing lottery ticket, and purchased ink for Our printer.  We really might as well have bought a whole new printer, considering what We paid for said ink.  In fact, We may just solve all of Our fiscal difficulties by opening a d@mn ink store.  Jeebus!)

(Is there really such a dearth of ultrasound technicians that We must receive three pieces of junk mail a day exhorting Us to become one?  Have We missed the people roaming the streets, shouting, “My kingdom for an ultrasound technician!”?  Seriously.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

 You can charm people more easily than you can fast-talk or bully them today, (Yes, but what if We fast-talk them AND bully them?)

so kick back, (Don’t wait to kick back…kick ‘em first, and take ‘em by surprise.  They’re all the same size once you kick ‘em in the nutz.)

bat those eyelashes (Bat THEIR eyelashes.  With a baseball bat.)

and watch them scurry (Like the scurvy dogs they are.)

to make you happy. (Fu(king ecstatic, We are.)

Life can be easy!  (So can We.  Although there’s precious little evidence of that.)

You’re about to begin mingling with all kinds of interesting and unusual people, (Get ‘em all in the hot tub, then hit the button that says “puree”.  WE’LL show ya “mingling”.)

and you’ll love every minute of it. (Mmm-hmm.  Don’t hold your breath.)


There’s at least one new acquaintance en route who’ll be around for a while, too, thanks to an astrological setup that will keep that parade of people you’d otherwise never have met going strong. (Is it just Us, or does that sound more like a threat than a promise?)

Whether they turn out to be friends or partners is up for grabs, but who cares? (Most likely, they’ll wind up being friends’ partners.  Sigh.)

Think of this as a social buffet. (Wait…did you say they were en route or en croute?)

 Treat yourself to just a little taste of everything.  (Now you’re just being smutty.   We like that in a person.)

You’re in planning mode (Actually, you’ve misread.  We’re in Carol Channing mode.  Also, We’ve got Bette Davis eyes.  (Perhaps We’re actually in MARGO Channing  mode. Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a nightie bump.))

— so it’s a great time to plan a raging party! (Hmmm….)

Go nuts, (Not that We’ve got far to go…)

 as themes, music, costumes (Egad.)

and more are all game. (Can We play Hump The Hostess?  (AAAAAaaaand We’ve switched to Liz Taylor.))

Make sure it’s so irresistible people come from miles around.  (Who’s gonna clean that up?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )


Thursday, December 16, 2010

I see your true colors




Greetings, Eating Reindeer Isn’t Cannibalism---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, December 16, 2010 (Forgive Our tardiness this morning; having been awake from 4AM till around 7AM, when We finally went to sleep, We just stayed in da bed.  Also, forgive Our REtardiness, as We have nothing whatever to report.  Our excitements du jour include a visit to TheCutestDentistInTheWholeWideWorld, buying ink cartridges for Our printer, and redeeming a free lottery ticket that We won.  How We shall ever recover from the glamour overload, We haven’t got any idea.) :

(We usually choose the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Joyeux Noelle Bella Bella Bo Bella Banana Fanna Fo Fella Me My ‘Mo Mella Bella Donna Mills first, and then begin writing the day’s entry.  However, We just now went and picked the pixture, and would like you to try a little experiment.  Cover up the caption with one hand, and the part of the hot tub in which Frosty appears with the other.  Deeply disturbing, no?)

(Meanwhile, Donna Mills is 70, people! (Well, except when she’s only 68, depending upon which website you check.  Fortunately, We Our Own Selves Personally are only twenty four, and won’t have to start lying about Our age for quite some time. (It occurs to Us that being currently twenty four means We were born in 1986, and…well, We’re just gonna leave that alone.)))

(Our mouse is hyperactive…has this ever happened to you?)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You have got to get your way today, but you shouldn’t burn bridges (Nor should you Beau Bridges.  Although you can Jeff Bridges if you like.  Lloyd Bridges is, of course, dead.)

— they are sure to stay burnt. (Like umber. And sienna.  (Who NAMED Crayola™ Crayons, fercrissakes?  We were CHILDREN, people.  “Umber”, “sienna”, indeed.))

Draw on your tact reserves (Ah, yes, Our tact reserves.)

 to keep people feeling friendly.  (‘Tis the season to cop a friendly feel.)

 This is probably one of your favorite times of the year. (Indeed it is.  Although We are hard pressed to figger out why, in Our previous parenthetical, Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to add an S to either “season” or “feel”.)

Everyone is a bit more sociable (Do they still make those crackers?  (We just Googled them on Wikipedia, and indeed they do.  And they sell them at Our very own Ack-A-Me.  Inquiring minds, and all that.))

— and even the meekest among us (Shall inherit the girth?)

(You know the meek are gonna get what’s coming to ‘em, by and by.)

are a lot more willing to try something new, at least once. (Because if you try it a second time, it’s not new anymore.  @sshat.)

Now, you’ve never needed any prodding (That’s what YOU think.)

when it comes to experimentation, so you’ll be even more impetuous, impulsive and risk-loving than usual. (A REAL writer would have replaced “risk-taking” with a third word that started with I.  Just sayin’.  Hack.)

Sure, it’s hard to believe, but it’s true, and you’ll enjoy every minute — especially now that you have a playmate who’s equally game.  You may want to move forward with this low-key relationship, but you don’t know what to say. Don’t force the issue — your energy and honesty can get you through this. You should come out smiling on the other end.  (Obviously, all of the preceding stumbled in here from somebody else’s horoscope entirely.  “Playmate”?  “Relationship”?  “Our energy”? “Smiling”?  Must be Capriquarius or something.)

(Join Us again tomorrow, when We’ll have clean teeth, ink in Our printer, and a losing lottery ticket.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I shot Santa in my underwear; what he was doing there I'll never never know



Greetings, Evildoers Reveal Indoor Cantilever---

(No, it DOESN’T make any sense; what’s it to ya?)

Here is your horoscope for Toozdee, December 14, 2010 (Apparently, George Washington died on this date, two hundred and eleven years ago.  We just learnt that moments ago on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, specifically SitOnMyFaceBook.  And why is that random factoid of any importance to all y’all?  It is important to all y’all because it is a clear indicator of just what a cr@p episode of Erix Daily Horoscope this is going to be. (Our friends across the pond in Great Britland would say it was going to be “pants”. As in, “it’s going to be a totally pants episode of Erix Daily Horoscoupe.” (They put extra “U”s in things, as well.  (We had to put quotation marks around the U, otherwise it would read as “Us”.  And We refuse to pluralize with apostrophes, as it just encourages the ignorant.))  For those who are unaware, when the Britlandish say “pants” they mean what We in the US (oh, dear; now We’ve got “U”s, Us, and the US all in the same d@mn paragraph.  Good thing We haven’t got an editor, or his head would explode.) mean when We say “underpants”.  How Our underpants became an adjective is a mystery to Us all.  Although, if you’d seen the size of Our Own PERSONAL underpants lately, you would imagine they could be all eight parts of speech as well as several expletives. (How Our Underpants Became An Adjective is also going to be the title of Our new children’s book, coming soon to a Barney Noballs near you.))):

(See?  Totally pants. Perhaps sharing a recipe will pull Us out of this underpantsesque morass.  (Heh…” more ass”…get it?)  Don’t say We never gave you nuffing.  (Mainly because that would be a double negative.):  http://www.seriouseats.com/talk/2010/07/boiled-water-recipe.html Be sure to read the comments as well. )

(If anyone can explain to Us why Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to put a comma after the “double” in “double negative”,   We shall come to your house and make you that recipe for dinner.)

(As your gastronomic juices churn (eeeuuuwww), you will no doubt be relieved to learn that We got some Christmas shopping done yesterday, and will be doing some more today.  Also, We will be getting Our hair did.  Hi-ho, the glamorous life!  (Who you callin’ “ho”? (Don Ho, ho, and now Don Ho and George Washington have appeared in the very self-same underpantsy episode of Erix Daily Horoscope.  We would say something about strange bedfellows, but that would be Abe Lincoln.)))

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to get busy today (Also, get jiggy wid it. (We accidentally typed three Gs in “jiggy”.  We took one out, and Micro$oft Weird™ STILL doesn’t think it’s a word.))

— not that it’s all that difficult, given your amazing energy!  (And not that We’re all that energetic, given Our amazing difficulties.)

(Speaking of amazing, does the fact that The Amazing Race is singular make it racist?  Discuss.)

(We just bob and weave, don’t We?  Never know where We’re going to go next, do ya?  Full of sound and fury, negrifying stuffing, innit?)

You should feel all fired up early in the day, (Wouldn’t One need a jawb in order to be fired?)

and then just get more and more revved up as you find new things to do.  (Is “revved” like “bovvered”?  (There’s a whole Britlandish theme going on in here today, isn’t there?  And yet it’s still pants.))

Take a deep breath, because respiration, as everyone who’s done breathing exercises knows, contributes greatly to inspiration.  (More importantly, if you stop breathing, you’re kind of fu(ked, you stupid git.)

 If you’re already inspired, go ahead and aspire to make your ideas real. (That’s all well and good to say, but We still haven’t thought up a plot for How Our Underpants Became An Adjective.)

You can do it, especially if you’re keeping your thinking well oxygenated, (In about six seconds, We are going to choke the very life out of this stupid extended breathing metaphor/analogy/SoiledFruitOfTheLoom™s.)

and chances are a heck (Way to intensify.  @sshat.)

of a lot greater than average that folks are going to want to help you out. (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

This could be a pretty exciting one!  (Just because you’ve put a random interrobang there doesn’t make it so, bee-yotch.)

You’ve certainly got into the spirit of things, and it’s seriously contagious. (So is diphtheria.)

Get everyone nearby in on your good energy and inspiration (SHADDUP!)


— someone who wanders by might just change your life.  (Translation: a homeless person will p00p on your stoop.)

(This is the word of the lardass; thanks be to pants.)                              

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Monday, December 13, 2010

And Katie had a baby so I guess Tom’s straight



Greetings, Elves Reconstruct Infinitesimal Carousel---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, December 13, 2010 (When One is “almost finished” with One’s Christmas shopping by Memorial Day, One feels no great pressure to finish the last ten percent.  Consequently, One spent the entire weekend never wandering farther from One’sHouseWhereOneLives than the Ack-A-Me, Christmas-be-damned.   (Parenthetically (hence the…well, you get the idea), Micro$oft Weird™ is always sticking its busybody nose in and telling Us what to do, yet when We mistype “Christmas” as “Christams”, as We are wont to do, it can’t be bovvered to autocorrect Us.  Wankers.))

(We were going to tell you about Our dreams last night, of which there were three, which were epic, but as We sat down to start typing this, the first of the three had gone clean out of what passes for Our mind.  We are pretty sure it was something relatively pleasant about show business (which is absurd, as there is nothing “relatively pleasant” about show business), but that is all We can recall.  The second dream was basically a Saw ripoff, which We ended Our Own Selves by saying, “This is annoying and stressful, and We’re going to wake up now.”  In the third, Our entire extended family, including grandparents and others long deceased, as well as all current extant great-grandchildren, were  living (or at least staying) in Our childhood home for an extended period for some reason that was unclear to Us.  Also, there were pets, specifically dogs.  (The Sainted Mother is now rummaging for her smelling salts.)  One couldn’t have five seconds alone, and One couldn’t get a bathroom break.  (Long-time Erix Daily Horoscope readers will have noticed by now that Our dreams in some way always wind up involving toilets.)  The only specific thing We remember from the dream is Our grandfather arranging flowers in a vase, which ought to send Our family who are reading this into fits of hysterics.)

(And to all of this, We say: “What the fu(k ever happened to good old-fashioned s3x dreams?” (Or, for that matter, to good old-fashioned s3x?))

(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, suggests that We change “pretty sure” to “sure”, which isn’t the same thing at all.  Also, it doesn’t recognize “ripoff” as a word.  Of course, Micro$oft Weird™ probably doesn’t have to pay to use its ownself, so how would it know?)

(In other news, “what the fu(k ever happened to s3x dreams?”  Heh.)


 (Our-O-Scopes:)

 Reach out toward others today (Only if We can also touch them.)

— they need you more than they are letting on, (How does it FEEL to need, b1tches?)

and your energy is actually much better spent on altruistic efforts (Suddenly you slipped into a tongue with which We are unfamiliar…is it perhaps Urdu?  Did you slip into Urdu?  And is there any on your shoe?   (Where IS Urdu, anyway?  And are there Jews in Urdu?  Probably a few.  Who knew?))

(See what happens when YouPeople leave Us all alone?)

 than anything designed to get yourself ahead.  (Fine.  Another day, no head.  What else is new (with the Jews in Urdu)?)

Your mind is in a very powerful phase today (Yes, its phasers are apparently set on “Stupid”.)

— especially where visual abilities are concerned — so it’s a great day for artistic endeavors and projects. (Ya hear that?  It’s a great day to be autistic.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Rainman. (Does this mean Tom Cruise is gonna come and rescue Us?  ‘Cause, truth be told, We’d still fu(k him if he’d keep his crazy yap shut.))


On the home front, (It’s a good day for a foam hunt.  (Also, it’s a good thing she didn’t say “comb front”.  (Also also, orange you glad We didn’t say cabana?)))

you should get started with any home improvements (Jeebus Cripes, the InterNetz just told Us that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is twenty-nine years old.  Not that We ever watched that show, but still…)

or redecorating that you’ve been contemplating. (Clearly, it is time to redecorate the windmills of Our mind(s).)

You may find some inspiration early today that makes all your choices clear and popular.  (As opposed, of course, to Our usual “queer and poopular”.)

 Watch out for new opportunities online. (Hey, look!  We won the Nigerian lottery!)

A new face or odd juxtaposition could just jump out at you. (One would imagine that anything referred to as a “juxtaposition” would be inherently odd.  Seriously,…look at that word.  It’s like two Scrabble™ champions threw up on each other.)

When it does, check the profile. (Also, check yo’seff befo’ you wreck yo’seff.)

Even if you find nothing in common at first glance, (Check their pants?)

you’re sure to see more soon.  (In their pants?  (You make my pants wanna get up and dance…))

(We just realized that the two celebrities referenced in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope are Tom Cruise and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.  Which makes all this “pants-checking” ever-so-much more relevant.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )