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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Like a black fly in your Chardonnay


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toozdee, June 21, 2011.  Happy Summer Solstice, which sounds like a really classy stripper, but isn’t.  You will all no doubt be thrilled to your very marrows to learn that Our jury doody be done did.  We awarded the plaintiff five million dollars, without batting an I at the Irony that We Our Own Self Personally don’t have two nickels to rub together.  (Or two pickles to rub together, but that’s a whole ‘nother complaint.) Ya know that saying, said by people who should be punched in the face at least twice a day, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’”? (To which, We have no doubt mentioned before, We always reply, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘ASSHOLE’, either; that’s all U.”)  Wouldn’t it be ironic if the saying were (subjunctively) actually, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘IRONY’”?

We thought of many, many such things as Our ass atrophied during seven daze of jury doody; be grateful that We have a mind like a steel sieve, or We’d be sharing them all with you here.

In other news, seeing Summer Solstice sliding down her stripper pole (Here comes Summer Sol-stice-Sol, sliding down her stripper pole…hippity, hoppity, syphilis on its way…)

What the hell just happened?  Has somebody been messing with the controls while We’ve been gone?

At any rate, Summer Solstice’s G-string and pasties glittering on the horizon  can only mean one thing (We’ll pause here while you mental floss)…We are about to enter the Asstromalogical sign of Cancer.   Which, of course means yet another installment of everybody’s favorite video project, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope.

 Now, before We impart the URL to you, We’d like to be very clear.  Apparently, there was some confusion about last month’s installment.  To wit, some of you assumed that We were sharing a pretty blue link for you to look at and admire.   Here’s the thing.  We actually want you to CLICK on the link, GO to YouTube, WATCH Our video, CLICK the like button, and SHARE it with your friends.

Now, We realize that that sounds like a lot of work.  But it’s nowhere near as much work as it was to wriggle into pantyhose during a heatwave to make the damn video in the first place.  Also, We have included even more names in the Birthday Wishes section this time, so that if you have a friend with the same name and a Cancer birthday, you can forward Our video to them and claim you got Us to mention them by name specially.  We’ll even back your lying ass up.  Because that’s just the kind of full-service Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are.

So here’s the address:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  We’ll wait right here till you get back.

In the time it took you to watch that video, We had Ourselves an epic  poop.  Also, We have been pondering why Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t imagine that “heatwave” is a word.  Clearly, they have never Summer (Solstice)d in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Speaking of being self-congratulatory (an epic poop will do that to a person (who ELSE will shake One’s hand after such an accomplishment?)), We have been meaning to share some Erix Daily Horoscope statistics with you.  It will come as no surprise to you that We are a big hit here at home.  However, We are also apparently a popular broad abroad as well.  In the past month, We have had hits from the following top ten countries:

United States
378

Denmark
187

United Kingdom
25

Hungary
16

Germany
15

Austria
13

Netherlands
13

Iran
11

Russia
11

Australia
6

We are particularly fascinated by Our popularity amongst the Danish (mmmm….Danish), as well as the many other non-English speaking countries.   We may in fact be improving the ESL skills of an entire generation of foreign students. This will no doubt appall Our friend who teaches ESL in China.  On the other hand, We don’t see “China” on the list above; do you?

Google also shares with Us search terms that led people to Our blog.  In addition to the obvious (“horoscopes”, “Starzina Starfish-Browne”, “asshat”), We are fascinated by such searches as “Arlene Dahl polka dots”, “Tennyson weeny bikini”, and “William Holden”.  (And no, We didn’t make any of those up.)

But enough about Us; what do YOU think about Us?

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  Zac Efron’s penis…er, the HorrorScope:

Reach out to a friend in need today (Oh, please.  We gave away five million dollars yesterday; how ‘bout somebody “reaches out” to OUR enfeebled old ass?)

— if you can cast off your own issues for a few hours (If a pitcher plates a thousand worms, then why can’t I patchouli?)

(What the HELL is going on in here?)

and devote all your energy to them, the karmic returns should be mind-blowing.  (By “mind-blowing”, of course, what the stupid bitch MEANS is that We sit and THINK about a blowjob.)

It’s a great day for kindness!  (Also, it’s a great day for kindling.  (That, of course, is the title of a horror movie about Pinnochio.  It flopped, naturally.  Much like the finger-puppet version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  (That right there was a visual joke in a verbal medium.  It may take you a minute.  We’ll wait…THERE ya go!)))

Karma is a powerful force today, (Not to mention, you should see what’s in Uranus.)

so you can expect some interesting payback for the good deeds  you’ve performed in the recent past. (Five. Million. Dollars.  We’ll settle for a percentage.)

This will be a very educational day (Brought to you by the number sixty-nine and the letters ‘F’ and ‘U’.)

— it will teach you many valuable lessons about how to persuade people to see your point of view. (The aforementioned chainsaw sounds pretty persuasive, no?)

You are learning more about how to use your charm (Our what?)

to get ahead in your career, (Our who?)

and this new knowledge (Okay, when did this turn into a Berlitz course?)

is already starting to pay off.  (Does ANYBODY know what this dizzy cow is nattering on about?)

Keep busy if you want to stop feeling sorry for your lonesome heart. (Now she has apparently taken to writing country-western songs.)

 It’s your turn to play Cupid!  (Ah, the old Cupid stunt.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

*****************************************************************************  
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.