Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thirsty, June 23, 2011. So just like that We can suddenly post Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Rene Auberjonois again. No explanation, no “sorry for the inconvenience”, no “here’s a blowjob for your trouble”. Hmmph. So right away, We give you two of ‘em. You’re welcome.
In other scintillating news, We have a dentist appointment today. Which, while annoying, will be, all things considered, much shorter than jury doody, but which, on the other hand, has given Us furiously to think about the paucity of things We have to which We look forward. (That last bit was Our valiant effort to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition. Good grammarz, We has them. (Not, of course, that that would stop Us from ending a sentence with a PROPosition. We are grammatical, not dead.))
We are starting a new paragraph, not because We are changing the subject (not that We’re even sure what the subject is (to say nothing of the predicate (no, really…say NOTHING))), but because Our next thought was about to refer to both the parenthetical thought and the pre-parenthetical thought, and We were unsure how to best parentheticalize the new thought to avoid confusing Our Gentle Readers. That ship having clearly sailed, here is the thought in question: it is difficult both to have things to which to look forward AND to end sentences with propositions when One’s attempts at social intercourse (heh) resemble nothing so much as a one-armed man playing ping pong with himself.
That right there? Was a metaphor, for those who are keeping score.
To extricate yourselves from the preceding paren(grammar)thetical morass (see what We did there? (ooops, We parentheticalized again (kiss Us quick, We’re Broccoli Spears (heh…”Broccoli Spears”…We kill Us)))), you should go immediately to watch Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video. Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM . Click “Like”, click “Favorite”, share with your friends. (You DO know you have to actually GO to YouTube to find this “Like” button of which We speak, yes? (Actually going to YouTube will not, however, help you with finding friends with whom to share it. Which is apparently a problem for many of you.))
If Micro$oft Weird™ can recognize “YouTube” as a word, We think it should be able to accept “heh”. Just sayin’.
Your fiery enthusiasm is a joy to behold — (Oh, great. Apparently, Our enthusiasm has been smoking in bed again.)
the people around you are sure to find it endearing. (Yeah. The people around Us find EVERYTHING about Us endearing. In, ya know, Alternate Universe/ Bizarro-World.)
Go right ahead and make the most of your day, as almost everything you do works out for the best. (Have you met Us? Do you see the black cloud that, unlike a smile, is Our perpetual umbrella?)
If your financial situation is making your head swim, (Hey, look on the bright side: you can’t drown in nothing.)
it’s time to bring in a professional. (How the hell is a hooker gonna improve Our financial situation?)
Consider talking to a financial advisor or an accountant (Why? We have no trouble sleeping.)
to gain insight on what you’re going through right now. (Right now, We’re not looking forward to Our dental appointment. Followed by rehearsal. Eventually, We shall have a tasteful cocktail and call it a day. Lather, rinse, repeat.)
This is probably less about saving and more about wiser investing. (You can neither save nor invest what you don’t have. (Kiss Us quick, We’re the Chancellor of the Exchequer. (Which is, all things considered, not nearly as funny as Broccoli Spears.)))
You might be focusing on solving the wrong problem. (Which would seem to be a problem in and of itself. Which would then have to become, for the moment at least, the right problem to focus on solving, so that One could then stop focusing on solving the wrong problem, and focus instead on solving the right problem. Naturally, all of this focusing in no way guarantees success. Sigh. Problems are difficult.)
It’s wise to get objective, third-party advice right now. (Wait…there are THREE parties? And We haven’t even been invited to the first one…)
Friends who want to help don’t truly understand the situation. (Well, that’s a comfort.)
Plus, friends and finances are not a good combination. (Fiends and fiancées go well together, however, especially with a lovely Béarnaise sauce.)
Thinking about your own needs could do you good before you start dating just anyone. (Did We mention the one-armed man playing ping pong with himself metaphor? This “dating” of which you speak is difficult when no one returns One’s phone calls.)
You wouldn’t go to the store without a list, (Actually, yes. Yes, We would.)
so sit down and write down your desires and deal-breakers. (Penis, pulse, Platinum Visa™. Any questions?)
(What’s in YOUR wallet?)
Be honest and thorough! (What are We…a fucking Boy Scout?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.