Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Montana, August 22, 2011. (The word “Montana” is giving Us pause. We’re pretty sure it’s the name of one of the forty-eight States, but damned if We know which one. Either that, or it’s a frozen confection not unlike a Klon Dyke Bar. (Which, come to think of it, is a rather peculiar name for a frozen confection, so now THAT is giving Us pause as well. (As is the fact that, when We first typed “as well”, We mistyped “ass well”. Which is, We suppose, better than having mistyped “ass swell”.)))
That’s a whole lotta pause goin’ on before We’ve even finished Our first cup of coffee. We shall no doubt have to fast forward if We’re to have any hope whatsoever of getting anything done.
This just in from the Wacky Wonderful Wild and Woolly WorldWideInterWebNetz: Go to Google and type "do mi" into the search bar and pause. The top autofill suggestion is "do midgets have night vision?"
Do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report. So We’re gonna ask you one more time… Do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Whip out your Visa™ and commence to clicking, bee-yotch: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622
Meanwhile, it appears We were premature (she ejaculated) in Our announcement about the forthcomingness of Virgo. Turns out it doesn’t even start till sometime tomorrow. However, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: VIRGO has been given a soft opening (does that sound dirty to you? Because it sounds dirty to Us, and We know what it really means.) So, if you’re a clever little Nosey Parker, you’ll be able to find it and have a look-see. If you’re only a clever little Parker Posey, you’ll have to content yourself with Leo:
When We said “Nosey Parker”, We hadn’t even a glimmer that We had stumbled into a Parker Posey joke. We are now, however, given to wondering what the hell has become of Parker Posey…excuse Us.
Okay, We’re back. Having Googled Ms. Posey on Wikipedia, We can reassure you that she has several fillums in post-production. Whew!
All things considered, it was pretty much a waste of a weekend. We spent most of it on behind-the-scenes publicity efforts for Our show. (In between people peeing in Our punchbowl, that is.) We have approximately a thousand seats to fill, so if everyone who’s reading this right now comes to the show about five hundred times, We should be alright. Bright spots in Our weekend? Included the aforementioned Virgo soft opening (now it sounds even dirtier) and receiving an email containing the word “yoink”. (We are training Ourself to be happy with the little things. Mainly because We ain’t seen a big thing in years.)
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: RuPaul’s soft opening. Or, the HorrorScope:
Life seems to flow more easily today, (Oh, goody! A heavy flow day! No doubt with chunks. Our menstrual cup runneth over.)
(To aid in your efforts to mental floss the preceding, We are going to allow you to pretend that we actually said “heavy Flo day”, but only if you promise to kiss Our grits.)
and you should find that even the toughest challenges are a bit simpler to work through. (Then they’re not the toughest challenges any more, are they? Asshat.)
Use this new speed (Wait…there’s speed?)
to make short work of something big! (Honey, if We finally get something big, We want it to last a LOOOOOOOONNGGGG time.)
Think of someone you know who’s extremely easy to talk to, (People in comas are easy to talk to, but it doesn’t mean they’re listening.)
and drop her or him a line today. (We were going to do a riff on what the hell “drop a line” means in this day and age, but “her or him”? What the hell is that? Is that one of those classes of angels? Ya know, “Sing with us, ye seraphim, choke on it, ye cherubim, whore it up, ye herorhim…”?)
(In case you hadn’t noticed, We spent a number of years in Catholic school. And look how well We turned out!)
You need to put a bit more effort into maintaining this relationship. (Fine. Just this once, We’ll switch to Our left hand.)
(We were about to say We’d switch to Daniel Day-Lewis’s left foot, but then We realized We hadn’t seen him lately, either.)
Emails are nice, but nothing can replace the sound of your voice. (We KNOW, Ducks. (Of course, there’s always the sound of one hand crapping.))
You might think you don’t have the time for a phone call, (Oh, please. We don’t have time for an Instant Message. (Remember Instant Messaging? IMing, as it were? Does anyone still DO that? Does aol even still exist? We are so out of the loop…)
but clear communication is crucial right now. (Skeenorzix! Flu flu henkel buckwalter drainspout.)
Demonstrate this person’s importance in your life by sharing something very valuable: Your time. (This horoscope has been going on for so long We’ve completely forgotten what person this old gasbag is droning on about.)
Communication is crucial (And cocksucking is critical.)
(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)
(Meanwhile, Our Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “cocksucking” isn’t a word. Which certainly explains a great deal of what goes on around here.)
if you ever want someone special to know how you really feel. (Oh, yes, please. Let Us explain Our feelings to Our very own ‘tard.)
Unless they’re mind readers, (We know what you’re thinking. (Oh, yes, We do; We’re psychic.))
it’s up to you to clue them in. (That’s exactly what you were thinking. (See? Psychic. (Of course, mind reading is much easier when it’s all written down.))
Body language can only go so far, so start talking. (Let Us hear your body talk, your body talk…Our body says, “Fuck you!”)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.