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Monday, February 28, 2011

Toot-Toot-Tootsie, goodbye!



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, February 28, 2011.  In honor of last night’s Gay Super Bowl, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Lana Turner Tina Turner Pancake Turner Nat Turner’s Come And Gone is the most glamorous pixture We could find (because everyone else is already using the pixture of James Franco in the dress).  While it might appear to some untrained eyes to be a pixture of Yours Truly Starzina Her Own Self, it is actually a pixture of Our sister, Tipsy.  Bask in her glamour, if you dare.

We, of course, missed a large portion of the Gay Super Bowl, as We were in attendance at Himself’s show.  Not that any of YouPeople would KNOW that We were in attendance at Himself’s show, but that is where We were.  (Himself, We might add, is, you might say, not pleased. (You might also say “royally pissed”.  Which you might follow up with a “queen” joke, inciting Himself to punch you in your face.  Your call.))

We joined the Gay Super Bowl “already in progress”, as they say, around about when some animatronic version of Billy Crystal was chatting with Bob Hope.  Then Celine Dion sang about dead people, they gave a bunch of awards to The King’s Speech, and a bunch of retarded kids sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  Some of the retards were dressed in green, and the rest were dressed in blue.  We don’t know about you, but where We come from, two colors do not a rainbow make.  Leave it to Hollyweird to dredge up the only costume designer who’s also a member of the Ku Klux Klan.    Or perhaps the retards’ costumes were designed by the same idiot who did their “choreography”, which appeared to consist of depriving them all of their antiepilepsy medication for two weeks prior to the performance.  Gah!

Despite Our Brittanian roots, We Our Own Self Personally were rooting, not for The King’s Speech, but for The Social Network.  Which makes a lovely segue (what’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.), as the next few things We intend to complain about involve SitOnMyFaceBook.  First offal, (heh.  See what We did there?) We have said it before and We will say it again:  if you are so upset that you are changing your SitOnMyFaceBook status hourly to tell Us all how upset you are, then you are just not upset enough.  However, if you are FatAss McBitchyStein, who spent the brief period during which We were in each other’s orbit attempting to thwart Us at every turn and make Our life miserable, and you are changing your SitOnMyFaceBook status hourly to tell Us all in great detail about the trials and tribulations of what you pitifully refer to as your life, you will simply have to forgive Us if Our response is to laugh and laugh and laugh.  Stupid cow.

Micro$oft Weird™ keeps changing “Us” to ”US”.  We are a queen, not a country, Micro$oft Weird™; try to keep up.

In other SitOnMyFaceBookian news, didja know that, if One refuses to engage with TheCrazy, TheCrazy is subsequently entitled to interpret One’s non-behavior as though any number of non-existent conversations and incidents have taken place?  Yeah, neither did We.  Until recently.  Seriously, boyz and gurllzz, We were mastering social media while you were still fashioning your first homemade crackpipe out an old TV dinner tray; leave Us out of your trauma-drama.  KThxBye.

In still other news, people lie.  But then, you probably knew that.

Meanwhile, it is so dark outside that it appears the world may end at any moment.  So We shall hasten to publish this epistle, so that the world may end, not with a Ubangi, but with a wimple.

Try not to let any opportunities slip through your fingers today. (Indeed not.  We shall be slogging out in the monsoon later to go to the CVS, where they have several items they will be paying Us to remove from their store.  Beyond that, We shall be speaking with a potential tutee (a tutee being, for those not in the know, one who is tutored (as opposed, of course, to one who is tooted, which We mention only to allow YouPeople the opportunity to make some crass skin-flute joke.  You’re welcome))) and thanking Our lucky Chicken With Stars that this evening’s rehearsal was cancelled.)

 That means you need to pay close attention (I’m sorry…what?)

and be flexible enough to move quickly when the time is right. (Have you seen Us lately?  Our “flexible” and “quickly” days are clearly behind Us.  As is a midget with a wheelbarrow to haul Our big fat ass around.  Every time We toot, We have to get a new midget.)

(Surely you realized that that toot joke was going to continue to haunt you?)

Things are moving now!  (Toot!  Toot!)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Your impatience has been growing lately, (HOW DARE YOU?  We have no time for your impudence.  Get thee behind Us, midget!  Toot!  Toot!)

(There’s a whole midget and tooting motif now, didja notice?  We?  Are an artiste.)

and today you might feel as if your life is moving at a frustratingly glacial pace. (We are pretty sure that there are days when We could race a glacier and lose.  Today, for example, would appear to be just such a day.  (In other non-sequiturs, The Amazing Race is neither amazing nor a race; discuss. (On the other hand, We would tune into that show a lot more often if it were (subjunctively) called The Amazing Racist.)))

But this change of rhythm is a very good thing. (Who could ask for anything more?)

(The old folks got that, yes?)

Give yourself time to acclimate to the slower pace, and soon the process will feel downright pleasant. (Ya know, if you re-read the preceding sentence a few times, it gets dirtier every time.  Just sayin’.)

With less speed and less noise, (Where’s the fun in THAT?)

you will be able to listen to yourself (Why?  Nobody else does.)

and conserve your energy much more effectively. (Oh, yes.  The conservation of energy.  Now THERE’S a sure-fire good time, eh?)

If you just race through the day, (Amazingly?)

you may never know the romantic wonders you’re running past. (But We bet We’d wonder about them.  Wonderingly.  (We would toot on this entire concept, but only if We could be guaranteed that pieces would fly out simultaneously.))

Find time to linger over that latte instead of taking it to go (Or finger over the fatte.  (Hey, sometimes you just have to go where The Muse takes you.))

— someone awesome might catch your eye!  (And here, We thought the fact that We had a glass eye was a well-kept secret.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Sandy Duncan.))

(TOOT!!!)

*****************************************************************************    
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.



Friday, February 25, 2011

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, February 25, 2011.  First and Formosa, We need to point out that the WaitStaff’s Sunday show at the World Café Live is a City Paper Agenda Pick for the week.  So nanny-nanny poo-poo to all lesser events.  You can see that here:  http://citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/24/the-waitstaff .  And you can get your tickets, if you have foolishly not yet obtained them, here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 .  And you can see Himself after the show and buy him a drink, because lord knows We want him kept the hell out of Our hair.

Is it just Us, or does “first and Formosa” sound like it should lead to “second and mimosas”?  But no time for such frivolity here at Casa de Crotchrocket this morning; We are having a veritable flurry of productive activity.  We’ve done laundry, and dishes, and performed unnatural acts with Our natural hair color, thereby rendering it even more natural than before.  All this before noon, mind you, and in the midst of some weather that looks like the afterbirth of a back alley abortion.  (On the plus side, We feel compelled to point out, it looks like the afterbirth of a back alley abortion IN THE SPRING, which is far more cheerful than its winterian counterpart, involving, as it does, an afterbirthsicle. (Is anybody else ready to move on to the next paragraph?  Because We certainly are.))

Actually, We have absolutely nothing to contribute to a new paragraph, so let’s just start the horoscope, shall We?

You need to dig a little more deeply (Tina, bring me the axe!)

and see what you can find. (Well, that all rather depends on where One is digging, now, doesn’t it? (Hmmm…this newest paragraph seems to have taken a turn for the revolting as well.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

You’re sure to hit on some new place or person that fits right in with your master plan, (SSSHHHHH!!! Our master plan is a SECWET.)

as long as you take the time to explore.  (How can One be an explore, if One was never a plore to begin with?)

The best strategy for today is to have no strategy whatsoever. (Well!  Then clearly everything is going to go just swimmingly!)

You must put aside your agenda (No!  Because We are an Agenda PICK.  Did you see?  http://citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/24/the-waitstaff  Is what YOU’RE doing this weekend an Agenda Pick?  We didn’t think so.)

and just let everything unfold in its own way, in its own time. (Which reminds Us, We’ve got to move this along, as there is laundry to be folded.  Because We know when to fold ‘em, and it’s after they come out of the dryer.  Who doesn’t know that?  Why do people need a song to tell them that?  Shut up, Kenny Rogers.)

 If you’re involved in a big event or contest, there’s no way to swing the outcome in your direction. (Of course there is.  It’s called cheating.  Duh.  This is America, fercrissakes.)

If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. (Oh, goody.  First Kenny Rogers, now Doris Day.  Why did no one tell Us it was Antique Pop Music From Hell Day?)

Now is not the time for major moves in a love, school or financial context. (How ‘bout major moves in a love, school, AND financial context?  Which would mean, for those of you not following closely along, opening up a whore school.)

Just sit tight for a while (Well, that depends on whose lap We’re sitting on, now, dunnit, Ducks?)

and wait until the stars say it’s a wise time to go forward.  (We’ll take Charles Nelson Reilly for the block.)

(Heh.  “Whore school”.  Readin’, writin’, and rhythm method.  We kill Us.)

 Put up a new pic on your profile — a clear close-up that comes with a smile (So no Xeroxing Our butt, then?)

— and make time to sort through the new responses. (Yeah, We’ll block some time right out for that on Our busy, busy schedule.)

Better still, message a few new hotties that interest you! (Tried that.  Restraining order.  Sigh.)

*****************************************************************************    
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.



Thursday, February 24, 2011

All of them had hair of gold, from a bottle


  
(Heh.  Yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope subject line was “I’m too sexy for my shirt”, from, of course, one-hit-wonder Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Relax”.  Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour gentleman is clearly too sexy for A shirt.  What’re the odds?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Furzday, February Twenty-Forf.  (It’s not a speech impediment, Ducks, it’s an accent.) Happy birfday to the lovely and talented MizGerreGarrett, who turns twenty-four today.  Those of you who are unable to see her today to wish her a happy anniversary of her nativity should be hurrying on over to http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 to buy tickets to the WaitStaff’s World Café Live show on Sunday, where you are cordially invited to proffer your birthday felicitations following the performance.

We have absolutely nothing new to report.  It strikes Us that this is the first time in quite a while that We’ve actually issued an epistle every day of the week. (We just researched that…apparently, it struck Us incorrectly.  We issued epistles every day of the week that began with Monday, January 31.  (We would say that the mind is the first thing to go, but clearly Our ass started going long before this.  Started going ALL OVER THE PLACE, that is.)

One is now busily trying to work out a joke involving “issued epistles” and a lisp.  Cindy Brady is in there somewhere (and when did you ever imagine Susan Olsen gracing these pages?) “Cecil ceaselessly issued sequential specious epistles, successfully silencing seditious seashell sellers…if Moses supposes his toeses are roses, then Moses supposes erroneously…”

Not even Cindy Brady could save that joke.  Obviously, this is a job for Langston Hughes’s boner.

Before We get distracted by bright, shiny WorldWideInterWebNetz again, herewith, We lithped, the horothcope (thuffering thuccotash):

You have all kinds of great energy coming down today, (Not quite sure we understand the concept of “great energy” “coming down”, but soldiering on at any rate.)

and should be able to get almost anything started. (Oh, we have no problem getting any number of thing started.  It’s getting them finished that’s a sticky wicket. (Oh, look!  A wicket!  And it’s sticky!))

It’s one of those days (Aren’t they All?)

when you need to be busy pretty much every waking minute!  (Wait a minute…”waking minute”?  “Sticky wicket”?  Stick a pin in it, Golden Ticket…WEEEEE feel a song coming ONNNNNNN….)

(Sorry.)
Every once in a while, it’s okay to be entertained by the soap opera lives of others. (And if this bloody horoscope takes much longer, We’ll be missing The Young and the Rest Of Us.)
There are some particularly juicy real-life storylines going on around you, (Goodness!  We certainly hope We don’t get any on Us!)
and today you get an inside glimpse at a few details. (So is that “behind the scenes”, or “behind the obscenes”?)
But this emotional eavesdropping isn’t so much a gossip-fest as a cautionary tale. (Wow.  Is it just Us, or was that sentence absolutely FRAUGHT with meaning?  We may just have to pause and reflect for a moment.  That was ever so heavy, it’s practically deuterium.  (That was a little science joke, for Our nerd readers.  You’re welcome.))
(This just in, from The Sainted Mother: “I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.” (And YouPeople wonder where We get it from.))
Certain aspects of a situation ring a familiar note with your past, and this is an opportunity for you to see how taking a different path could affect your life.  (Well, you know what They say about the Road to Hell.  At least it’s paved.)
You can take almost anything that anyone else dishes out for now, (Wait…someone’s cooking for Us?!?  When does THAT ever happen?)
but someone new might require a gentler approach. (Can We get back to you on that?)
 Even if you’re only joking, try a little sugar (Screw that…try honey.  Sugar’s too grainy.  (oooops…sorry; what were We talking about?))
— like a sincere compliment. (No, Ducks, those jeans don’t make your ass look fat.  Your fat ass makes your ass look fat.)

*****************************************************************************    
Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.



Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I’m too sexy for my shirt



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, February 23, 2011.  Sorry to get everyone in such a lather so early in the morning with such a HAWT Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Faberge Egg FooYung Guyz Wang Hung Lo Mein Street Stain Stays Mainly On De Plane Boss De Plane Who’s On Top Tonight Tattoo, but it is, after all, Hump Day, and We do, as ever, wish you all the happiest of humps. 

Speaking of pixtures, it occurred to Us that, while We reported yesterday on the subject of Justin Bieber’s barber’s butchery, We did not provide any corroboratorial pixturographic evidence.  So here:  http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Music/2011/0222/Justin-Bieber-cuts-his-hair-sending-legions-of-boys-to-the-barber .

The preceding paragraph is precedent-setting here at Erix Daily Horoscope for two reasons.  Number One: it is most assuredly the first-ever citing of The Christian Science Monitor as a reference in these particular epistles, and (B.) it employs the words “Justin Bieber” and “butch” in the very same sentence.

Oh, We know, We know; We can hear you all now, bleating, “Get off of Justin Bieber  already!”  And to both of you, We say, “Get off of him?  Why?  To give somebody else a chance? It IS Hump Day, after all.” (Now, no doubt, you’ll begin bleating about the underage thing.  Please.  The boy is turning seventeen on March 1st.  Starzina says, if there’s grass on the field, play ball.  (We have no idea what that MEANS, but We surmise that it’s some sort of American sports metaphor.  From that game of yours, We’re pretty sure, that resembles cricket.)  Perhaps you are unaware of the upcoming remake of The Graduate, set to star none other than the aforementioned Mister Bieber and yours truly, Starzina Starfish-Browne.  “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Starfish-Browne?” (Zombie Anne Bancroft just clawed her way out of her grave, a fact which was only cosmically balanced out by the fact that Dustin Hoffman just dropped dead.)

Meanwhile, We trust that one or another of Our Gentle Readers will prod Us (heh) to remember to send Mister Bieber birthday wishes along with an installment of Erix Daily Horoscope on March 1st.  KThxBye.

In other show business news, We had the opportunity to attend a recent WaitStaff rehearsal for their show this Sunday at World Café Live.  Now, while We have never found Himself the least bit funny, We are always amused by the antics of the WaitStaff, particularly the Real Housewives of South Philly (who will naturally be making an appearance).  However, on this occasion, We also had the opportunity to watch the performances of the WaitStaff’s Very Special Guests for the occasion, Mister Dave Terruso of the sketch comedy group Animosity Pierre, and Miss Jaylene Dulap, a singer-songwriter, and We are here to tell you, this is going to be one funny evening.  So go get your tickets NOW; We’ll wait right here:  http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 .

And now, the horoscope you’ve all been humping for.  Er, WAITING for.  Yeah, that’s it, waiting.

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that We have misspelled “Er”.  Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™.  Have a cookie.  And share one with the Bieber.)

An uncomfortable situation this morning — maybe a face-off  (We would imagine that One’s face coming off would be, at the very least, uncomfortable.)

— could escalate if you let it, but you are far better off just walking away. (Renee.)

It’s one of those days that rewards discretion and prudence.  (To say nothing of dyspepsia and prune juice.  You cannot IMAGINE how it rewards THEM.)

(Since We have been waxing poetic in a number of recent installments of Erix Daily Horoscope, We feel compelled to point out that Dyspepsia and Prune Juice is a lesser-known, unpublished sonnet by Percy Bysshe Shelley.  (Please note that We said “waxing poetic”, not “waxing poets”.  Elsewise, you shall spend the rest of the day pixturing Us behaving improperly with Langston Hughes’s boner.))

(Now, of course, no matter how many times We say, “try not to think about Langston Hughes’s boner”, you will be able to think about nothing else for the rest of the day.  SorryBoutEt.)

 It’s a common misconception (Well, what’s the good of that?  If it’s a COMMON misconception, that means that ANYONE could have it.  We shall be striving for an IMMACULATE misconception.)

 that in order to really know what’s going on, (We?  Haven’t had any idea what’s going on since 1986.)

 you have to be right in the middle of the action. (Mm-hmm.  One wonders if they will get Simon and Garfunkel to write the score for Our fillum.  “Now here’s to you, Mrs. Starfish-Browne, Jesus loves you more than you will know…whoa-whoa-whoa…”)

What really gives you accurate insight is an outsider’s perspective; (Conversely, then, it should follow, as the night the day, that what really gives you accurate outsight is an insider’s perspective.  Although what the fu(k is “outsight”, We haven’t got any idea. (Converse™ sneakers, the most important thing is, how does it look from MC Escher’s perspective?))

(Meanwhile, We just have to share with you this definition for “outsight” that We found when We Googled it on Wikipedia:

outsight, n: A statement believed by the person who utters it to be an important or profound insight, but which is in fact regarded by its audience as so obvious or elementary that it reveals the speaker as hopelessly ignorant or slow-witted, at least relative to the relevant group.

…is that the story of Our very life, or what?)

only then can you see things from all angles and understand the motivations behind everyone’s actions. (Well, clearly the only response to that is: Langston Hughes’s boner.)

So today, don’t push to be a part of the action. (Push, push, in the bush. (Aw, dammit, WHO just said “if there’s grass on Bieber’s field, play with his balls”?  Now We’re gonna have to mental floss…))

 Just ride things out  (STOP IT!)

and observe.

Next time you’ll be the only one who will really know how to handle things (G0D DAMMIT!!!)

— and you’ll be invaluable.

(Langston Hughes’s boner, Langston Hughes’s boner, Langston Hughes’s boner.  (Oh, shit…We sure hope that doesn’t work like “Beetlejuice”…))

(O hai, Langston Hughes’s boner….)

If you’ve got any romantic business  (Wait a minute…are We paying the Bieber, or is he paying Us?  (Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?  Joe-de-Joe has left and gone away…hey-hey-hey…hey-hey-hey…))

— especially communication tasks (Squirrelly synergistic zimblapp.)

— take care of it as early as you can today. (Hey, We’re getting this out before noon.  Cut Us some slack.  Or cut Us some slacks.  Whatevs.)

Later tonight, there’s some weird, somewhat uncomfortable energy on the move.  (Well, sure.  Zombie Anne Bancroft just tripped over Langston Hughes’s boner.)

*****************************************************************************    
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.



Tuesday, February 22, 2011

She is watching the detectives when they shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 22, 2011.  Happy birthday to George Washington, who cannot tell a lie; he popped Martha’s cherry.  (Or at least that’s what she told him.)  Of course, it is relatively easy not to tell a lie when you are, ya know, dead.  Speaking of iconic historical figures, Mother Nature?  Is cordially invited to give blowjobs to Our pubic lice, but only the ones who have both herpes and gonorrhea with active, pustulent lesions. (In another era, We’d’ve been a renowned poet.  Like, say, Keats, or Shelley.  (In another era than that, We’d’ve been burnt at the stake.  You pays your money, and you takes your chances.))


Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Edgar Allan Poe Jacques Cousteau Marilyn Monroe Don Pardo was submitted by Faithful Reader Dena (hi, Dena!).  On the off chance that We have a Faithful Reader who doesn’t know who Sisyphus is, you will need to Google “who is Sisyphus?” on Wikipedia in order to get the joke.  Alex Trebek, naturally, is laughing already, but then, he’s been laughing ever since “popped Martha’s cherry”.  Alex Trebek is crass.  He is, on the other hand, employed.  If We were (subjunctively) employed, by the T-shirt company of Today’s Pixture, say, We might tell them that they might sell more shirts if they hired more attractive models.  Seriously, what’s up with that double-chin action there?  Is this the president of the company or somefing?   Get some sun, Son.

In still other news, didja hear?  Justin Bieber cut his hair.  So now, a whole lotta lesbians who USED to look like Justin Bieber don’t look like Justin Bieber anymore.  It’s okay, though.  Because now a whole lotta NEW lesbians look like Justin Bieber.  So there’s that.  And, as a lesbian friend of Ours used to say, “Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.”

Speaking of lesbians, We Our Own Self Personally have already been out to shovel the snow.  Surely you don’t imagine that Himself would bestir Himself from his bed to do it?  Too busy dreaming about grand pianos falling into the ocean, that one.  We would worry that he had lost his mind, but that would imply that he had ever found it in the first place.  By the time he actually arises, the damn snow will have no doubt melted, and he will trundle off to WaitStaff rehearsal.  (You DO all have your tickets for Sunday’s show, yes?  We have to pay for Our cat food around here somehow. (No, We don’t have a cat….that was the point. (http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 )

And now, The Horoscope!  (If We (subjunctively) spoke Frawnch, We would imagine that last sentence sounding something like “Apres moi, les Splooge!” (This is why We are categorically barred from EVER speaking Frawnch.  If We so much as contemplate a poodle, they send the Frawnch Foreign Legion after Us.))

It would be remiss of Us not to note at this juncture that “Contemplate A Poodle” was Our nickname in high school.

Les Horoscopes (brought to you by Lays™ potato chips):

(Heh. See what We did there?  Betcha can’t eat Us just once.)

Keep a slower pace today — (Slow and steady wins the racist.)

you need to relax, if possible! (Then random interrobangs would seem to be counterproductive, no?)

Your energy  (Jigga WHAT?)

is better spent on planning and preparing than on acting anyway, (Oh, indeed.  God forbid We’d do any ACTING.)

so it may be a good time for you to work from home.  (We’ve always said, send Us a check every two weeks, and we’ll never bovver anybody again.)

Your instincts may be right (Somehow, We knew that.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— there is something going on around you that you need to investigate further. (Trust Us….there is NOTHING going on.)

(It has just this very minute come to Our attention that today is apparently National Margarita Day.  We pass that on for what it’s worth.  But take it with a grain of salt.  (heh.))

Put on your private detective hat (By that, of course, you mean “deerstalker”, you ignorant illiterate imbecile.  “Private detective hat”, indeed!  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is rolling in his grave.  (That, naturally, is a figure of speech.  They didn’t have designer drugs back in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s day. (That was a little drug culture joke.  For Our Faithful Readers who are part of the drug culture.  Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, of course, We Just Say “No, Thank You” to drugs.  We would NEVER just say “No”, as We were raised properly, with manners, unlike that bitch of a Nancy Reagan.  ‘Just say “No”’, indeed!  Trailer trash.)))

and dig in to uncover the information you need. (There did used to be a time when We actually knew what was going on in here.  Unfortunately, that ship has sailed.)

Look back on some old emails for additional clues. (You mean all those ones that went unanswered?)

Once you get a better handle on what is going on, (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT could happen.)

you’ll be able to see the big picture (Unless, of course Our ass is in the way.)

and decide whether you want to stay involved or not. (We’re not entirely sure We were ever volved in the first place.)

Be comfortable with taking a stand (We’d be much more comfortable taking a nice lie-down.)

— your principles are part of who you are, so protect them.  (To say nothing of Our princessiples.  Which are much LIKE Our principles, except they wear sparkly dresses and tiaras.  And really, isn’t everything just ever-so-much better when One is wearing a tiara? (That would be the seldom-cited “Tiara Princessiple” at work.))

(Hey, if you won’t even return Our phone calls or emails, We imagine you’re hardly likely to go to all the trouble of having involuntary commitment papers drawn up.)

You don’t really care (Why, no.  No, We don’t.)

about what others think of you these days. (Least of all about THAT.)

You may tell folks exactly what’s on your mind, (We would, but it’s a SECWET.  (Actually, We DO know something you don’t know, but if We tell you, We’ll have to kill you, and then there’d be only ONE person reading this.)

and you couldn’t pick a better time to set boundaries. (In just a moment, We’ll show you on the doll where Nancy Reagan touched Us.)

The power is all with you! (And also with you!  Spanx™ be to Gandhi!)

*****************************************************************************                                        
The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com )


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.



Monday, February 21, 2011

Leavin’ on that midnight train to Georgia



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, February 21, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to Katie, who attempted to turn twenty-four over the weekend, when no one was looking.  And Happy Presidents Day to the residents of the USA.  (That’s a little song I just made up there…We are just awash with creativity this morning.  (Well, something’s making Our knickers damp, at any rate.  (We are, as you will have noticed, growing more and more fond of Himself’s “Royal We” usage; in fact, We appear to have adopted it lock, stock, and cracker barrel for Our Very Own Personal use.  (We have no idea what “lock, stock, and cracker barrel” actually means, but We assume (thereby making an ass out of you and Uma Thurman) that it is one of YouYanks’ quaint colloquial sayings. (And god bless Us every one for pulling “colloquial” out of Our cunningly linguistic ass at this hour of the morning. (Meanwhile, dear Micro$oft Weird™, how is it that you imagine “Uma” to be misspelled, but “Thurman” not to be? (Is this in some way related to the episode of American history entitled “Thurman’s march through George Orwell”, or have I got the wrong George on my mind?  (Please note that We take no responsibility whatsoever for any brain damage resulting from reading (or, indeed, nakedly skimming) this paragraph…We are simply attempting to rack up the largest number of parentheticals ever in an introductory paragraph to an Erix Daily Horoscope.  Of course having done so, We have no earthly idea how many parentheses We require to put an end to said paragraph, so here are a bunch of ‘em:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Today’s horoscope is dedicated to any of Our Faithful Readers who have been required to go to their jawbs on this holiday.  Truly, We weep for you.  (Yet another possible reason why Our knickers may be damp. (Oh, dear.  Now you’re picturing Us crying into Our knickers, aren’t you?  Well, at least you think We’re flexible…perhaps We’ll score a pity date.))

Of course, We are well aware that you’ve mainly dropped by to hear all about Our weekend, so that you can feel better by comparison.  Well, besides slaving and toiling at rehearsal for the WaitStaff show (which is this coming Sunday…get your tickets NOW:   http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 ), we watched The Social Network, which is every bit as good as They say it is.  We had been hard-pressed to imagine how they were going to make a subject as dull as the creation of SitOnMyFaceBook at all dramatical, but they certainly did, aided and abetted by the lovely and talented Mister Jesse Eisenberg and whoever it was who played those hottie twins.  Mister Justin Timberlake also turned in a fine performance, although We must say…We have discussed (well, actually, Himself has discussed) Mister Timberlake previously in these pages (which see:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/03/im-bringing-sexy-back.html ), and Our issue with him in this particular fillum was even more pronounced.  To wit, the boi is as GAAAAAYYYY as a three-dollar goose in drag as Charles Nelson Reilly getting fu(ked up the ass with Liberace’s pink aluminum Christmas tree while the cast of Glee sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on a Disney princess float in San Francisco’s Gay Pride Parade.  Seriously.  Not knowing the personal stories of any of the real-life characters from the fillum, We actually thought that Mister Timberlake’s character was hitting on Mister Eisenberg’s character, in addition to trying to do business with him. Imagine Our confusion a few scenes later, when Mister Timberlake’s character appeared at a party with about six babe-a-licious babes of the decidedly female variety draped over each arm.  Did anyone else have this problem, or was it just Us?  (That was not a rhetorical question…if you saw the fillum, please weigh in on Justin Timberlake’s gayness (relative to the position of Uranus).

This looks like a good place for a horoscope:

Now is a great time to get started on anything new. (Also, it is a great time to get started on anything nude.  But then, when isn’t?)

You may want to form a business partnership, (ZZZzzzzzz…..)

 if that’s your thing, (Has anyone actually said “That’s” (or “that’s not”) “my thing” since 1979?  And, if so, did they manage not to pronounce it as “thang”?)

or maybe just launch an initiative to clean out that garage once and for all!  (Oh, see…here at Casa de CrackWhore, We are a step ahead of you, Kelli.  Our garage is every bit as Immaculate as Our Contraption.  And, if you don’t believe Us, We defy you to find it and prove otherwise.  (Find Our Immaculate Garage, that is.  Not Our Immaculate Contraption.  Although Our Contraption is relatively Immaculate, if you can excuse a few cobwebs and dustbunnies.))

You’re good with a crowd.  (Well, of course.  Really, what’s the difference?  An orgy is just a whole bunch of one-night-stands all at the same time.)

You know how to tell jokes, (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.)

shake hands (If ya shake ‘em more than twice, you’re playin’ with ‘em.)

and remember names. (Grover Cleveland.  Jose Feliciano.  Shirley Chisolm.)

(You only WISH you knew how Our brain cells related to one another.)

Today you’ll very likely be doing all three. (Here’s hoping that, by “doing all three”, she’s not referring to Grover Cleveland, Jose Feliciano, and Shirley Chisolm.  (And no, We had not looked ahead when We typed those three names the first time.))

 Even if it feels harder than it looks, (That’s what she said.  (“She” being most emphatically NOT Shirley Chisolm.))

 it’s good to put yourself out there. (Honey, if We get any further Out There, they’re gonna have to send a space probe for Us.  (We’re just gonna put a placeholder here for an “anal space probe” joke.  We’ll come back when We think of it.))

 Don’t overstrain yourself, though. (No worries there.)

Just go out there and trust your natural abilities. (Well, THERE’S a guarantee that whatever it is will end up all fu(ked up, eh?)

You might be surprised (SURPRISE!)

at how much easier it can be when you don’t really make an effort. (No, we are pretty much aware that not making an effort is relatively easy.  No surprise there.)

Some things, you know, are like that!  (Well, doesn’t THAT just clear everything right up?  Especially with the extra added attraction of a gratuitous interrobang.  Asshat.)

Get your body moving and meet some new people — is it yoga? Stamp collecting? Midnight bowling? (Firstly, the only one of those that seems to involve Our body actually moving is yoga.  Sexually, “stamp collecting”?  Serioulsy?  And Thurman, We are hoping that “midnight bowling” is a euphemism.  Also, that We don’t have to rent midnight bowling shoes that have been previously worn by other midnight bowlers.)

*****************************************************************************
The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.