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Friday, April 29, 2011

You can even marry Harry, but mess around with Ike



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, April 29, 2011.  Happy birthday to Jim, who turns twenty-four today.  Also happy birthday to Trish, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, happy birthday to Stephanie, who also also turns twenty-four today.  Coincidence?  We think not.  Must be something in the water.

Meanwhile, Happy The Royal Wedding Day to the rest of you.  Being a British subject, We did actually receive an invitation, but We were unable to attend, as We discovered at the last minute that someone had shit in Our hat.  So We had to watch it on the telly like the rest of you.  Is it just Us, or does that girl look like a stone-cold bitch?  Oh, well; no matter.  At least the whole country had a lovely dress rehearsal for when We finally marry Harry.

What has actually been frosting Our cookies the most about all this Royal Wedding hoopla is the people whining about it on SitOnMyFaceBook. “Oh, how CAN they so callously report on Kate’s wedding dress when there’s been a tornado in Bumblefuck?”  The same way YOU can post your whiny SitOnMyFaceBook status when there’s been a tornado in Bumblefuck, you stupid wanker.  Jeebus.

In other news, tornados in Bumblefuck notwithstanding (for some reason, We are really enjoying saying “Bumblefuck” this morning.  Are any of you out there reading aloud?  Or at least saying “Bumblefuck” out loud in your heads?  Isn’t that FUN?), We Our Own Self Personally callously went out to dinner last night.  Yes, as tornadoes rampaged through Bumblefuck (heh), We were callously Dining Out For Life.  And, in the interests of broadening Our culinary horizons, trying not one, but two new foods We had not tried before.  Because, as you can clearly see from the size of Our ass, We definitely need MORE foods to eat.  Obviously, at this point, the only thing We DON’T eat is less.

Oh, you wanted to know what the new foods were?  Something called sweetbreads, and something called speck.  Of course, it is unclear to Us whether We actually like these foods themselves, as the sweetbreads were stuffed into raviolis, and the speck was wrapped around sea scallops, and We’re pretty sure We would eat poop if you stuffed it into raviolis or wrapped it around sea scallops.

A psychic viZZZion just informed Us that one of you out there in ReaderLand just this very minute got the “shit in Our hat” joke.

Bumblefuck.

And now, stuffed into a ravioli and wrapped around a sea scallop, the HorrorScope:

Your ability to spot what’s coolest (We are, after all, Too Cool For School.  “Coolest”?  Really, Kelli?)

and make other people see it for what it is should be totally energized right now, (Energized like a bunny?  Speaking of food, is it odd that, ever since Easter, We’ve been craving rabbit? We certainly hope We’re not pregnant again.  There’s only so many immaculate contractions a person can stand.)

so blaze a trail and let the others follow along if they want. (Well.  How veddy, veddy democratic.  How ‘bout “let the others follow along, or off with their heads” instead?  How does THAT grab ya?)

(We figger We’ve already got the “princess” thing down, so We’re practicing to be Queen of England.  After all, Elton John can’t live forever.)

Life should be more exciting!  (Shouldn’t it though?  Perhaps if We start randomly adding exclamation points like YOU do, Kelli, it shall be so.  Asshat.)

(It just occurred to Us that earlier, when We were talking about sweetbreads and speck and such, We meant to do a joke involving “tastes like chicken” and “Prince Harry”.  So just imagine that We did that, would you?  Ta ever so.)


Finances and money in general will be a big force in your life today. (Only if We somehow stumble upon a second nickel, because otherwise, We’ve got nothing to rub together.)

If you’re in a saving mode, congratulations — this day will offer you an opportunity to make a great return on your investment and will plump up your rainy-day fund even more. (Haven’t We had enough rain recently?  (How can they callously report on Kate’s wedding dress when it’s RAINING?  WAAAAAHHHHH!!!))

 If you’ve been spending freely for months, now is the time to pull back. (But if it’s free, you’re not spending anything.  Did words suddenly lose all meaning again?  We HATE when that happens.)

Your regular extravagances will have to become not so regular. (Meanwhile, Our IRRegular extravagances may be how We wound up with shit in Our hat.)

(Shit in Our hat in Bumblefuck, doo-dah, doo-dah, shit in Our hat in Bumblefuck, all the doo-dah day…)

(What?)

And your taste for the finer things will have to be more balanced with less-expensive options.  (Oh, stuff it in a ravioli. And stick it in the microwave.)

 Talk is cheap, (Not as cheap as We are.)

but action is priceless. (Again, “priceless” = “free” = “the cheapest you can get”.  Words, meanings…learn it, live it, love it.)

The next time you say you’ll do something, you need to make sure that you actually follow through!  (Fine. We’re calling Prince Harry.  As soon as We get a new hat.)

That goes for both work and your love life. (Since We don’t have either of those, may We go back to bed now?)

There’s no need to overanalyze things — just go for it! (We taste like chicken tonight, chicken tonight…)

*****************************************************************************  
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

If you’re crackin’ up from having lack of shackin’ up…



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, April 27, 2011.  Happy birthday to Israel (the person, not the country) who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Dena, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the vicinity of Our Nation’s Capital.  No doubt with a birth certificate and everything.  (Up yours, Donald Trump…like anybody who’s stupid enough to let a casino…A CASINO!...go bankrupt should be allowed to run a country.  (Do you ever suspect that some of these Repugnicant shenanigantics are just to make The Whore From Wasila look smart by comparison?  FAIL!))  Also, Happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are no doubt humping away without Us somewhere.  And, in honor of the Royal Wedding, We bring you yet another Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Luke Streetwalker Hand Solo Princess Come-On-I-Wanna-Lay-Ya of an alternative yet clearly blissfully happy couple, who double as a shout-out to Our Faithful Readers who are also fans of those Battle Star Trek Wars Lost In Intergalactical Space thingies. We bet THIS pixture wasn’t amongst the bubblegum cards you collected back in the day.

Speaking of the royal wedding (and aren’t your nether regions just starting to tingle as it draws ever nearer?  We know Ours are.  Thank god for broad-spectrum antibiotics), here’s this, which is, oddly, Safe For Work (whatever THAT is): http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com/

Welcome, meanwhile, to Our 13th Google Reader Follower, Raechal.  We have gone form having twelve apostles to having a coven.  Somehow, that seems fitting.  Unlike most of Our wardrobe.

We started Our day here at Casa de Chamberpot with a power outage, which, although brief, was ill-timed in that it interrupted a particularly lewd dream that Himself was having.  He, of course, promptly went back to sleep, leaving Us to reprogram every electrical device known to man, woman, and Manfred Mann.

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™, you need to acknowledge that “chamberpot” is in fact a word, or We shall come to your house and poop on your sheets.

Having said that, there’s clearly nowhere else to go but up, so herewith the HorrorScope:

Try not to tackle any new business today (How about monkey business?  Can We tackle some monkey business?)

— things are going fine, better than you know, (Ignorance is blistered.)

but you are stretched more thinly than you realize. (Honey, We are not doing ANYTHING “thinly”.)

Step up and take care of whatever you’ve got going on right now.  (Wasn’t it just yesterday that you were telling Us that We had people for that?)

 Today, don’t feel an iota of guilt if you want to ignore the outside world. (What about a scintilla of guilt?  A smidgen?  A jot? A whit?  A soupcon?)

(Some of the jokes are for YOU; some of the jokes are for US…pee porridge in a pot, nine dazed Olds.)

Let your phone ring off the hook, (And put your chamberpot in your 8-track tape player, next to the BetaMax™ and your buttonhook and buggywhip collections.  Forsooth, odds bodkins, and what the fu(k are you talking about?)

and don’t stress out about the contents of your email inbox. (But Ed McMahon told Us We may already be a Winner.  And he should know, being, ya know, dead, and all.)

You are important, (Oh, you have NO idea.  Don’t you know who We think We are?)

but the folks in your daily life can get along without you for just one day. (Alternatively, they could work really hard to make sure that We feel like something stuck to the bottom of their shoe.  Which one do YOU think they’ll do?)

It’s time to step back from constant interaction. (Also from instant contractions.  Whatever that means.)

Do you really need to have your cell phone turned on all day? (Do you really need to keep using precious oxygen that’s meant for the rest of Us?)

Make yourself incommunicado for at least a couple of hours. (We would, but Thai food doesn’t agree with Us.)

(Some of the jokes, meanwhile, are existential.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  Strawberry.)

You’ll feel amazingly free.  (That’s what they said when We burned Our bra.  Of course, they neglected to mention that We should take it OFF first.)

Karma is tricky, yet rewarding. (Caramel, on the other hand, is sticky yet rewarding.  And yet, oddly, We rarely get the two confused. You?)

Your actions now could directly affect someone later. (Well, that’s good.  Otherwise, what would be the point?)

Keep that temper in check (We are now imagining a jawb as Temper Check Girl, much akin to Hat Check Girls of old.  The comic possibilities of same being severely limited, We shall now move on.)

and put out positive energy by doing good deeds for anyone who comes your way.  (Oh, We gotcher “good deed” right HERE.)

*****************************************************************************  
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, April 26, 2011.  It has just come to what passes for Our attention span that today is Raechal’s birthday.  So happy birthday to Raechal, who turns twenty-four today.

In keeping with Our promised Royal Wedding tribute, today We bring you yet another Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Sucretia Epiphany Mitochondria Saliva Gonorrhea of a happy couple.  And, in Our never-ending efforts to be inclusive and non-discriminatory, today’s couple is a same-sex couple. (At this juncture, Astute Readers (and why YouPeople sit around reading stutes, We’ll never know) will point out that so was yesterday’s.  The difference, of course, is that, with yesterday’s couple, One could tell which sex they were the same as.)  Said Pixture is also doubling as a Public Service Announcement, as the questionable couple in question are clearly picking up some ointment to deal with a particularly nasty bout of It Itches Down There.

Suddenly, Prince William seems ever so much less unattractive.

That’s really all We’ve got, save for this quote We found on Our WorldWideInterWebNetz yesterday: “I don't know why the library got so upset at me for masturbating. I was in the self help section.‏”

Spunky, no?

(Heh. “Spunky.”  We kill Us.)

Garcon? One HorrorScope, over easy.  Hold the mayo. And make it snappy. (Suddenly, We are Humphrey Bogart.  How the hell did that happen?)

Your visionary nature (We have a viZZZion!)

is making life quite a bit more interesting for at least one of your people (Again with this delusion that We have “people”.  Where are these people, and why do they do nothing for Us?  Tote that barge, lift Christian Bale…you know, the things One expects One’s people to do, if One has people, people, Soylent Green is people, are the luckiest people in the world…(Who let Barbra Streisand in here?))

— and you could acquire new followers if you talk up your plans. (While We may not actually have people, We do in fact have followers.  In Google, at any rate.  Twelve of ‘em. Followers, that is.  We would feel just like Jeebus with His twelve apostles, except that two of Our followers are Us Our Own Self. Don’t any of the rest of YouPeople use Google Reader?  Subscribe to Our blog!  Follow Us!  All the Kewl Kidz are doing it!)

Good social energy is yours!  (To say nothing of good social diseases!  Complete with random exclamation points!  Bangs, if you will!  Or even if you won’t!  (“Complete with random bangs!” sounds like much more fun, doesn’t it?  That being, of course, how One obtains social diseases.  Or, in some cases, social climbing diseases. (That’s when you get sick of your old friends because you only like people who can do things for you.)))

(Social energy, social diseases, and now social commentary as well. Is there ANYTHING We can’t do here at Erix Daily horoscope?)

This may sound counterintuitive, (Or, alternatively, counterintelligent.  Which is just plain stupid.)

but the stars say you should seek out conflict today. (Should not.)

(Heh.  That there was a double helping of “See what We did there?”.)

You’re not one for confrontation, but it is sometimes a necessary evil, and it’s something you should perhaps work on becoming more comfortable with. (As is the Spanish Inquisition.  Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.)

The future holds some battles for you, and practicing on some easy skirmishes will help you later on. (Well, fine, but We don’t want to fight about it.)

You will be always be able to see the problems at hand, (Because there’re so damn many of ‘em!)

but you should develop more skills that allow you to do something about them.  (What happened to all these “people” We were supposed to have?)

Go right ahead and ask for whatever you need. (A winning PowerBall™ ticket, a do-it-yourself liposuction machine, and Johnny Depp’s home phone number.  But We’re pretty sure We’ve asked for this all before.)

Your people are there for you (Where? WHERE???)

and can provide you support and assistance in your search for love. (Oh, please.  Just bring Us the winning PowerBall™ ticket.  We’ll BUY the damn love.)

Rely on them — they can’t let you down! (Mainly because there’s only so much further down We can get.)

*****************************************************************************  
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Monday, April 25, 2011

It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie hot pink polka dot bikini



(Yes, folks, We said ‘weenie’.  It’s an entendre.  Not quite a double entendre, more like an entendre and a half.  Deal and cope, people, deal and cope.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, April 25, 2011.  Happy birthday to Our Manhattanese sister, Asphyxia8, who, if the beads on Our trusty abacus do not misinform Us, turns twenty-four today. And Happy Anniversary to Us here at Erix Daily Horoscope, as Google informs Us that today We are publishing Our three hundredth installment in Bloggonia. (Of course, the actual number of Erix Daily Horoscopes ever published is unknowable, many of the initial offerings since 2001 having been lost.  A few of Our Faithful Readers will no doubt recall when these epistles were delivered by carrier pigeon, who travelled barefoot uphill both ways in the snow (why they didn’t fly, We’ll never know).  And here We are, ten years later, still undiscovered, still poor as a church mouse (whatever the hell a church mouse is), and cranky as ever.  Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. (We would point out that that last bit was Frawnch, but We’re pretty sure the two of you who are actually reading this are already aware of that.))

Hidden in the preceding paragraph is an Erix Daily Horoscope Movie Trivia Quote.  (Well, okay, it’s “Why we didn’t fly, I’ll never know”, so not so much with the hidden.) Name the fillum, win a prize.

Today is also, of course, the kickoff of Royal Wedding Week.  They really need to speed these nuptials along quick, fast, and in a hurry.  Not because What’s-Her-Face is preggers, but because, if they wait any longer, poor Prince William will have lost his hair entirely.  Poor thing, he showed such promise in late adolescence, resembling his mother as he did. Then he took that unfortunate left turn into Prince Charles-dom, and it’s been all downhill ever since.   He should have taken a cue from his brother, Prince Ginger…er, Prince Harry, who’s looked like the milkman all along.

In honor of Royal Wedding Week, We shall be featuring pixtures of happy couples as Our Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Artist Formerly Known As Prince Hal Prince Prince Albert In The Can Nine Days Old.  In today’s pixture, for instance, We are particularly intrigued by the way Our Viking friend’s tasty beverage seems to perfectly match his blue-headdressed companion’s Speedo™, even as We attempt to ignore the incipient alien about to emerge from his navel. You’re welcome.

Apropos of nothing, Can. Not. One. God. Damned. Thing. Be easy?  (Sorry…just had to get that off Our chest(s).)

And now, the muumuu you’ve all been weighing for, Le Scope de Horreur:

Your ambitious nature is making life quite a bit more interesting for you. (We are going to pause at this juncture to coin a neologism (did that sound dirty?  Was it because it had gism in it?), as We do.  We have always felt that there should be a better word than “ambitious” to describe an ambitious person, such as Ourselves, with an atty-tood.  And that word is: “ambitchous”.)

That could mean that your energy is ready for a new level of activity, (Indeed. “Zero” has become so predictable. (Why “PREdictable”?  It’s not like it means “dictable in advance”.  And there’s no such thing as “POSTdictable”….))

or that you are taking on the whole world.  (Right now, We’re just trying to come up with a definition for “dictable”.)

 If you have too many ambitions, (“Ambitchions”.)


you run the risk of having too many disappointments!  (And again We say, “Huh?”  “Disappear” is the opposite of “appear”, yes.  But “disappointment”….)

(Actually, all of these cunning linguistics are just a desperate effort to distract Ourself.  It’s like when They tell you not to think about pink elephants, and then all you can think about are pink elephants.  Well, earlier, We happened to think about Prince Harry’s boner…)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is now objecting to the possessive form of “Harry”, and suggesting all sorts of ludicrous things (“Hurry’s”, “Hardy’s”, “Harpy’s”, “Ghurry’s”, Carry’s”), none of which would be as common as a guy named Harry who owns something.  (Not that We are at all suggesting that Harry is common.  Harry is, as We all know, a PRINCE.  (Harry, if you’re reading this, CALL US.)))


Pare down your long list of things to do before a big milestone in your life (See, one of the problems with Our life is that Our metaphors are constantly getting mixed.  So milestones and millstones are often muddled, and one or the other generally winds up around Our neck.)

— so you aren’t setting yourself up for feelings of inadequacy. (Prince Harry’s boner. (Sorry.  It just slipped out. (OOOOOOHHHH!!!)))

Just take each day as it comes. (Now you’re just being mean.)

Work on your important goals when you can, but let go of outlandish (More than landish?  The opposite of inlandish?  Words are weird.)

predictions (See above.)

and unrealistic retirement fantasies. (Why is it so unrealistic to retire now, then go back to work once We’re senile?)

Instead of dreaming about the future, enjoy all the wonderful things that the present has to offer.  

(Fine.  Name one.)

(No, really. We’ll wait.)

(Are those crickets?)

Volunteering is an excellent way to meet like-minded and cute people. (Actually, volunteering is an excellent way to do a lot of work and make absolutely no money.)

Pick your favorite organization and dive right in. (This advice works best if your favorite organization happens to be the Swedish Olympic men’s Swim Team.)

You’re making a difference — and making new connections while you’re at it. (Prince Harry’s boner.  (Sorry…she said “connections”.))

 
*****************************************************************************  
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Hippity Hoppity


    
Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, April 22, 2011.  Happy birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Earth Day to all of Our Earthling Readers; in honor of the day, We would like you to know that no brain cells were harmed in the creation of this horoscope, and that all jokes in today’s edition of Erix Daily Horoscope are 100% recycled.  (Some of them, in fact, are already compost.  But that’s neither here nor Nair™.)  Also also, Happy Good Friday, Happy Belated Maundy Thursday, Happy Holy Saturday in advance, and Happy Easter to all of Our religious readers, and, to Our non-religious readers who celebrate some form of Easter anyway, We hope you find everything you want in your basket.

Here comes Peter, Caught In Tail, reading other people’s mail…

It would appear that, according to Micro$oft Weird™, neither “hippity” nor “hoppity” is actually a word.  Fu(king heathens. (“Heathens”, meanwhile, is a peculiar word.  (Not, of course, as peculiar as “fu(king”, especially with a  parenthesis in place of the C.  (Do Our prudish readers say “fucking” aloud in their heads when they come to a “fu(king” in Erix Daily Horoscope?  Inquiring minds want to know.)) Why is “heathens” a peculiar word, you ask?  Because, if One’s mind parses it improperly, as Ours just did (“just” being a relative concept meaning, in this case, “several parentheticals ago” (“mind” being a complete abstraction meaning, in Our own case, “that thing We lost quite some time ago that wasn’t Our virginity”)), One gets “heat-hens”, which bears absolutely no relation to its actual meaning.  Although it does sound like a delicious idea.

We feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight…

Because We are indeed an inquiring mind who wants to know, We just looked up that old “Chicken Tonight” product to see if it still exists.  (For those too young to recall (and, seriously, if you’re too young to recall that, back the hell away from Mommy’s computer and get back in your playpen) Chicken Tonight™ was a jar of high fructose corn syrup designed to ruin an entire pan of perfectly good chicken.)  And it does, in fact, still exist, just not in this country. They have it in the UK, amongst other places, where they also have (and We SWEAR We are not making this up) a related product called “Sausages Tonight™”.

We feel like sausages tonight, sausages tonight…

Has a certain ring to it, no?  Although One must, philosophically, come to terms with the greed inherent in feeling like more than one…

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Meanwhile, how is it possible that it is already April Twenty-Twoth, and We have just this very minute discovered that April is National Poetry Month?

Two Siamese twins from Salinas 
Were conjoined from birth at the penis.
“We’d enjoy a good fu(k,
But we’re sh1t outta luck,
‘Cause there’s only one penis between us.”

Kiss Us quick, We’re Robert Frost in drag as Maya Angelou.

But soft, what wind through yonder window breaks?  It is a fart, coming from your son’s moon….yes, kidz, it’s HorrorScope time!

You are pushing yourself pretty hard (Indeed.  And the first hit is free.  Because crack is the new black.)

— but you know it’s for a good cause. (And what good is a good cause without a good effect?  Also, how much wood would a woodchuck suck if a woodchuck could suck wood?)

Someone needs to see what you are really capable of, (Oh, please.  People have NO. IDEA.)

and you can show them with great ease right now.  (Shouldn’t that be “with the greatest of ease”?  And shouldn’t there be a flying trapeze involved?)

Watch out — your mind might be wandering all over the place when you’re starting your day. (Our mind? Has wandered to Flanders while meandering with philanderers.  (What do We want? NONsense!  When do We want it?  Petunia!))

(If We remember to do it, We shall come back here later to insert some sort of onomatopoeia (it being National Poetry Munf, and all) involving “petunia…patooey…spittoon”.  If We don’t remember, you shall be reading this as is.  (Guess which one We predict is going to happen?))

(It occurs to Us that, this being a Very Special Jeebus Weekend, We haven’t put this in here for a while:


)

Therefore, (Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask who put the cunt in country to begin with.)

try to schedule all your errands later in the afternoon when you’ll be able to concentrate and multi-task like a professional. (Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “cunt” to “count”.  How is THAT funny?)

If you can make this a ‘strictly business’ kind of day, you will be able to leverage this laser-sharp focus and move some major mountains. (If We can make it a ‘Risky Business’ kind of day, will Tom Cruise come over and dance in his underwear?)

So save the goofing off for another day. (“I didn’t say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!”—M. Mouse.)

Right now, you should be taking meetings, and doing thorough research.  (Zzzzzzzzz….sorry; what?)

Are the right people seeing the real you? (Oh, dear lord, We certainly hope not.)

Slow down as much as you can (The only speed slower would be “death”.)

and take the time to reflect on the exact image you want to project to romantic prospects. (Liposuction…Botox….six seasons of Nip/Tuck…nope, it still ain’t gonna work.)

You can totally do this! (Like, ZOMiGod, totally!!1!!1!!  LOLOLOLOLL!!!)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

For some it’s pills, for some it’s pot, for some it’s poppers and god-knows-what


                                        

                                                                                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, April 20, 2011.  Happy birthday to Nima, who turns twenty-four today, and is running around half-nekkid on SitOnMyFaceBook.  Not that We mind, We’re just sayin’.  And, speaking of Half-Nekkid Nima, Happy Hump Day. And and Happy 4/20 to those of you who celebrate such things, and are no doubt baked already.  (Baked and reading Erix Daily Horoscope?  Talk about harshing your buzz.  On the plus side, good thing 4/20 is for grass, not acid.)

Not that We here at Erix Daily Horoscope are in any way advocating drug use.  Nor, on the flip side, are We advocating Miss Nancy Reagan’s plan to “just say ‘no’”.  It’s “just say ‘no, THANK YOU’”, bitch, ain’t’cha got no manners? (Who are We kidding?  Bitch probably never said “thank you” in her damn life.)

So, since We spoke to you last, We have obtained Ourself a phone!  Yes indeedy doo-doo, We have retired the old rotary cell phone that still takes nickels and whose number is BUtterfield-8.  (We have also as of this minute, you will be relieved to hear, retired that joke.  You’re welcome.) We went out and bought Ourself a Smart Phone.  From a homosexual phone salesman, no less.  (By that, We mean, of course, that the salesman was homosexual.  Not that he was selling homosexual phones.  We didn’t inquire into Our phone’s sexuality.  It is probably too smart to tell Us anyway.  Although We bet it’s getting more than We are.  It being so smart and all.  Sigh.)  At any rate, Our phone is so very smart that We have no idea what all very smart things it can do.  The homosexual salesman was trying to tell Us, but then he said, “there’s a nap for that” and We fell asleep.

Shtick around for da jokes.

So that’s really pretty much all We’ve got.  Onward and appward: The HorrorScope:

You need to express yourself as truthfully — and forcefully — as possible today. (Who the fu(k says so?)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Your great energy is just right for thinking for yourself, (Why should We think for Ourself when Our phone is so damn smart? (Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.  (That’s a little post-post-modern humor from a post-post-modern Post-It™ Note.  (You do realize that, in one more generation, that joke will cease to be funny because no one will know what “Yellow Pages™ were.  (Although maybe the phones will remember.  (One wonders if One could make money by having One’s phone go on Jeopardy!))))))

(That’s a sextaparenthetical in mid-sentence, folks.  Do NOT attempt this at home.)

 and you ought to be able to dream up something awesome!  (Mmm-hmm.  Himself had a nightmare last night that was so scary, He was afraid to go back to sleep.  So He got up and told Us all about it.  We will spare you, because it was boring.)

(You’re welcome. Again.  What did you ever do for Us?)

Your role in someone else’s life has been growing steadily, and today it reaches an important turning point.  (Turn left.)

You may feel a growing sense of responsibility toward this person, (What are We, your mother, fu(ker?)

but this feeling will not devolve into a fearful commitment. (A Fearful Commitment being, of course, the title of a depressive volume of poetry We wrote during Our early mid-late adolescence.)

This could be the start of a new direction in the path you’re taking (Turning left will, indeed, have that effect on things. Asshat.)

— perhaps this path will need to widen in order to accommodate the two of you more comfortably. (Was that a fat joke?)

Be prepared to make any necessary adjustments.  (By “necessary adjustments”, she means, of course, “liposuction”.)

Even if your prospects seem as flat as Nebraska’s landscape, (And as tight as Cleopatra’s pussy.  (We have no idea what that meant, but We just thought We’d throw it in there.  A little something for Our str8 boi readers. (Himself got a “belated birthday wishes” message from a  str8 boi reader earlier.  Its heading (as it (subjunctively) were) was “Penis”.  We do so love a str8 boi who enters into the spirit of things.))))

you still have plenty of other social opportunities. (To say nothing of social diseases.)

Pick up the phone (Oh, please.  Our phone is so smart, it picks up its own self.)

and make contact with your people. (Our phone has no doubt already made contact with Our people.  They are probably now Our phone’s people.)

They should appreciate the gesture (We got your “gesture” RIGHT HERE.)

— and might have news to share. (Or, alternatively, news to share with Cher.  Because Our phone can probably do that.  “If Ah could turn back tie-yum…”)

(“There’s a nap for that.”  Heh. We kill Us.)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Younger than Springtime for Hitler am I


                                        

                                                                                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, April 18, 2011.  Happy birthday to Marilyn, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy belated birthday to Himself, who turned twenty-four over the weekend.   Himself is exceedingly grateful for all the calls, cards, good wishes, and SitOnMyFaceBook messages He received in honor of the occasion.  And, since We know you are all Inquiring Minds Who Want To Know, We shall tell you a little bit about His nativity festivities.  The Big Day started out much earlier than anyone had anticipated, with an unexpected 4AM Birthday Poop.  The most exciting thing about that for Our intrepid Birthday Boy was that He actually woke up prior to the poop occurring and, consequently, was able to enjoy it to the fullest, having betaken Himself to the receptacle wherein such efforts are usually made, instead of remaining fast asleep in His bed.  Because, birthday or no birthday, Starzina Starfish-Browne does NOT change anyone’s poopy sheets.   Having divested Himself of inordinately large quantities of poop in an exceedingly satisfying manner, He went cheerfully back to sleep for a number of hours, whilst visions of SugarBabies danced in His head.

Regular (heh) Gentle Readers will recall that SugarBabies are similar in principle to SugarDaddies, except that they are rich and YOUNG.

Meanwhile, Our story has been derailed by Micro$oftWeird™, which not only does not recognize “poopy” as a word, but also is suggesting that We replace it with “pope”. And, while the epic Birthday Poop was certainly a religious experience (in the secular sense), such a replacement would no doubt turn it into a very different story indeed.

Later in the day, there was champagne, and that was very lovely.

And now for a completely different story, entitled The Little Rotary Cell Phone That Couldn’t.  We are aware that many of Our Gentle Readers of varying regularities (poop!) have taken the plunge and obtained smart phones, which are apparently the best thing since sliced bread.  (For all We know, said phones may actually slice bread, probably after baking it, too.) We Our Own Self Personally have slogged Ludditically on with Our plain old rotary cell phone, which still accepts nickels and whose number is BUtterfield-8.  We ask very little of said instrument, except that it take the occasional photo of the inside of Our pants, and that it allow Us to make, oh, I don’t know, PHONE CALLS.  As it has, of late, become temperamental about just how much of those phone calls it will allow Us to HEAR, We have decided to chuck its antiquated ass and obtain a new (and, hopefully, more friendly and accommodating) device.

And what does this mean to YOU, Gentle Readers?  Because you, you, you, it’s all about YOU.  It means that you can look forward tomorrow to being regaled with the scintillating story of Our Visit To The Phone Store, and thus may possibly avoid stories involving poop.

You’re welcome.

And now, the movement…er, moment you’ve all been waiting for:  The HorrorScope:

Why does all the important stuff have to happen under the surface? (Because you can’t drown somebody without holding their head under?)

That’s what it feels like today, (But more importantly, what does it smell like today?)

and while you may feel a bit clueless, (Roll out those shoeless, poo-less, clueless days of summer…)

(Life is a cabaret, old chump.  (Actually, Life™ is a cereal.  Also a board game.  But that would kind of fu(k up the song.))

you can at least rest easy knowing your subconscious is on the case.  (So wait…We’re supposed to be conscious of Our subconscious?  We feel a headache coming on…)

Today, like many days, you should focus on the journey — not just the destination. (Ever the trailblazer, We have decided to adopt the novel approach of focusing on Uranus.  We are going to focus on Uranus starting RIGHT NOW.  (Did you feel a little tingle when We said that?  Because We sure did.))

You need to slow down, or you could miss some important landmarks. (Okay, focused, as We are, on Uranus, that was just disgusting.)

Juggle your schedule to create more free time in the evening, because you need a chunk of time that’s flexible and relaxed. (Juggle your balls… We’re focused on Uranus.)

If a talkative friend wants to bend your ear on the phone, politely tell them you have other things to deal with. (Politely tell them it was your fu(king birthday, why don’t they buy you a goddamn phone?)

(Speaking of which, We forgot to mention today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Dick Van Dyke Chita Rivera Paul Lynde Dick Gautier Susan Watson Kay Medford Charles Nelson Reilly.  It is, of course, from the opening number of the off-off-off-Broadway musical, Gay Gay Birdie (“Have you heard about Hugo and Tim?”).  But, just in case you haven’t purchased Himself’s birthday present yet, it also serves as a gift suggestion. Take THAT, Amazon.)

Pull out your patience and save the foot race for another day.  (Did she just say, “pull out your patience”?   We’re REALLY gonna focus on Uranus now.  (You put Uranus in, you put Uranus out, you put Uranus in, and you shake it all about….))

If you haven’t already done so, now is the best time to write down your needs and goals for your love life and beyond. (Is it possible that We have gotten beyond Our very Own love life?  That is so deep…)

Don’t get too picky — jot down a few attainable results, and don’t waste time getting to work! (Just sit on a happy face…)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.