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Friday, August 26, 2011

The rain may never fall till after sundown


  
Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Flighty, August 26, 201.  (Not very inspired, We are well aware.  And yet, if you squint at it just right, a sort of minimalist Chinaman joke.  Because not everything can be a pie fight.)

We are going to make a sincere effort to avoid The H Word in today’s horoscope, as We are quite sure that you, as We, are completely H-Worded out, and the H hasn’t even arrived yet. We have already received word that the supermarkets are overrun with people purchasing milk, eggs, white bread, and toilet paper.  Apparently, Hs are much like blizzards, in that they cause you to crave French toast and then shit a lot.  We Our Own Self Personally will be out shopping today (in the glorious sunshine, We might add) for a pair of white gloves and a tasteful pair of light-colored pumps.  We don’t expect to be battling crowds.  Inclement weather doesn’t seem to make people feel like dressing up for High Tea.

Speaking of costumes, you wish YOUR life were (subjunctively) so interesting as to cause YOU to send out emails saying, “That dress needs to be hemmed up at least six inches to be slutty enough.”

In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Miss Iris and her friends will be frutting and stretting just one week from today:  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Meanwhile, as the calm before the H continues apace, doesn’t this angel have skin like, well, an angel?


In other news, from several paragraphs back, We are thinking that ShitALot should be a character in something.  Or possibly Sir ShitALot.   One can almost hear Richard Burton declaiming, “ShitALot…ShitALot…I know it sounds a bit bizarre…but in ShitALot….ShitALot…that’s just the way shit are…”

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in Who’s Afraid Of Judith Krantz?  Or, the HorrorScope:

You need to deal with something rather big today — and rather urgent!  (Ordinarily, this would be a place for a penis joke.  However, you just KNOW Bee-Yotch is talkin’ ‘bout da weather.)

The good news is that (Once the power goes out, We won’t be able to hear any bad news?)

you’ve got more than enough energy to handle it all and then start an impromptu party to celebrate.  (That’s gonna be one lonely party.)

 Being diplomatic is nice …  (and being nice is diplomatic.  Also, this sentence is stupid, you ignorant asshatted twat.)

but being in control is more effective. (And what exactly is to prevent One from being all four of those things?)

Don’t let your urge to be liked dominate your actions today.   (As We shall most likely be alone for the next three days, We are thinking that being liked will be relatively low on Our priority list.)

Being a team player doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your intelligence and critical thinking. (Because, after all, there is no ”I” in “team”.  There is also no “I” in “asshole”; that’s all “U”.)

Your self-esteem will be well served if you speak your mind, so start talking. (If We talk to Ourself, do We have to listen?)

There might be an intimidation factor if you’re surrounded by powerful people, but don’t let that get to you. (But if it doesn’t get to Us, then it’s not really an intimidation factor, now, izzit?)

Smart people admire other smart people who aren’t afraid to share controversial ideas.  (Sometimes, on the other hand, they admire stupid people who put out.)

You’re on the move. (Also in the groove.  And Catherine Deneuve.)

You’re making progress. (Also, We’re making hay while the sun shines.  Now could somebody remind Us what the fuck We wanted all this hay for?)

Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

 if your family and friends question your decisions. (Let them first walk a mile in Our tasteful light-colored pumps.  Then, if they question Us, they’ll be a mile away, and We won’t hear them.)

If they really pry, remember — it’s really none of their business. (And yet, telling people that never seems to stop them.)

Your intuition will give you the truth. (We can’t handle the truth.)


 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.




Thursday, August 25, 2011

One virgin, one Scot, and one queer




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thorogood, George, Destroyers, and the, August 25th, 2011.  Correct Us if We are wrong (and We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken), but wasn’t this stupid hurricane supposed to be ruining Our weekend?  And, unless They have changed things, Thursday is not part of the weekend.  Fuck you, The Weather, and the hurricane you rode in on.

As an antidote to the suckitude that is The Fucking Weather, here is a video with an angel in it:



In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Unless the hurricane destroys the theatre, We shall be strutting and fretting just one week from tomorrow:  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Meanwhile, We completely missed Trash Day yesterday, then spent half the night lying awake.  We have a few things on what passes for Our mind. Not the least of which is why none of all y’all answered yesterday’s question about Uranus.  Tingling?  Clenching?  Both?  Nuns?

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Judi Dench’s buttocks clenching.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Your energy levels may be concerning you today, (We don’t have the energy to worry about Our energy.)

but there’s not much you can do except wait. (YOU wait.  We give up.)

They’re likely to improve overnight, and you can certainly catch up on anything you didn’t get done today.  (So We should put out yesterday’s trash tomorrow?  The neighbors will love that.)

Get ready for the view to improve and your energy to increase (Make up your damn mind, Bee-Yotch.)

— the road you’re on right now is going to provide you with some easy, breezy movement (Sleazy, queasy, beautiful Cover Girl™.)

(Remind Us again why We have no corporate sponsors?)

 for the next few weeks. (“The next few weeks” covers the run of Our show.  We really wish Kelli hadn’t put her asshatty predictions on that.)

This will create perfect conditions (Yeah.  “Perfect”.  No doubt.  You do recall that this is OUR life you’re talking about, yes?)

for launching your latest adventure or work project. (Now We are concerned with possible connotations of “launching”.)

Any conflicts or trials you encounter will be personality driven, so if you just learn when and how to distance yourself from aggravating people, you’ll do just fine. (Oh, it’s just that simple, izzit?  Just get away from the aggravating people, then?  Antarctica, here We come.)

Remember, you can always rely on yourself.  (Not when We can’t even remember to put the trash out.)

Time to reassess what you want from life, and this includes love. (Only the most astute of Our Gentle Readers will realize that she is using “love” in its tennis sense.)

Reflect on past relationships and make a list of all the qualities you liked and loathed from your exes. (Clearly, that way lies madness.)

 Break bad dating cycles now.  (Obviously, no one reads this far, or someone would have answered yesterday’s Uranus question, but We should like at this juncture to point out that We need a date for Our opening night, so if anyone has Johnny Depp’s new phone number, now would be the time.  (We would phone him Our Own Self, but the restraining order forbids it.))



 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Any lyric EXCEPT “I feel the earth move under my feet”


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenceslas, King, Good, Downlooker Upon Stephen, Feast of…what the hell were We saying?  Oh, yes…August 24th, 2011.  Happy Hump Day to everyone in the humpus room.  Those of you on the Right Coast may have noticed yesterday’s earthquake, and the daily news reports of the imminent arrival of the disastrous Hurricane Irene Ryan, which can only mean one thing…

They’re remaking The Beverly Hillbillies?

No, fool…We have entered Virgo.  Leaving Virgo flushed, sweaty, and begging for more.  And right away We give you Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope for Virgo, Our most audacious cinematic effort to date. New sets, new costumes, new credits, and a Very Special Guest Star.  What more could YouPeople ask for?  Go watch it now…We’ll wait:


There…don’t you feel better now?  Why, We Our Own Self feel positively Touched By An Angel.  Almost as if Della Reese had let Us wear boaf of her wigs.

In still other news, so you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report.  And We are here to tell you that tickets are being gobbled up like…well, like some sort of gobblable things that are gobbled by gobblers.  So if We were (subjunctively) you, We’d go gobble up some tickets Our (or Your) Own  Self, before they’re all gobbled away.  Particularly if We were (subjunctively) also participating in the Fringe Festival, and were only able to attend certain performances.  Go and gobble; We’ll wait (it’s what We live for.): http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Della Reese wearing Irene Ryan’s merkin.  Or, the HorrorScope:

(Obviously, We’re going to have to wait one more time while many of you scurry off to Google “merkin” on Wikipedia.)

                                                                                                                                                                     
There’s an air of impatience today, (Well, We don’t have time for that.)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

and for once it’s not coming from you. (That’s what you think.  We have learned to let Our impatience out silently.  Just one of the many benefits of long years spent studying Uranus.)

You’re usually the one who is pushing (Heh.)

for things to go further faster, (Ah, yes, the old further faster farter trick. (How is it that We have yet again managed to get all caught up in fart jokes?))

(Meanwhile, since when does Micro$oft Weird™ recognize “farter” as a word?  (Oh, dear Jeebus…because We are an inquiring mind who wants to know, We have just been Googling on Wikipedia (and We ain’t just Ritalin Trixie), and here is what We found:

A flatulist, fartist, or professional farter is an entertainer (sometimes considered a comedian) whose routine consists solely or primarily of farting in a creative, musical, or amusing manner.

We are pretty sure that, when Our high school guidance counselor gave Us career aptitude tests, “flatulist” didn’t make the cut (sorry, We HAD to say that.)))

(Although, now that We consider it, We much prefer the term “fartist”.  Why are We just learning this now?  After all, any damn idiot child can aspire to be a n astronaut, or a fireman…)

but right now that’s not a high priority for you (The antecedent of this particular “that” is too far back in time for Us even to begin to consider.)

(“This particular ‘that’” is positively lyrical, no?)

— things are already working well. (Not yet. But just wait till We get Our flatulist’s license.)

 It might take a bit of explaining to set the worried minds of coworkers at ease. (Um, no.  This particular flatulist works alone, thank you very much.  We don’t want anyone stealing Our thunder.)

(Shtick around for da jokes…We got a million of ‘em.)

Let them know you’re in control and you know exactly what you’re doing even if you don’t. (Whatever We say here wants to have the word “sphincter” in it, but We don’t know what it is yet.)

 Right now it’s important to stay in control.  (This would be where the second “sphincter” joke goes.)

Spend the morning focusing on your home life. (Then here, We would switch it up and say “hipster” instead of “sphincter”, and throw “Uranus” in there somewhere.)

(That was a sort of behind-the-scenes glimpse at the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope.  You’re welcome.)

(Wow, We’re really wrapping this up early today!  So here’s a question for all y’all; leave your answers in the comments:

When We say “Uranus”, how many of you find that Uranus tingles?  Or clenches?  Or both?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.




Monday, August 22, 2011

Let’s get physical, physical


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Montana, August 22, 2011. (The word “Montana” is giving Us pause.  We’re pretty sure it’s the name of one of the forty-eight States, but damned if We know which one.  Either that, or it’s a frozen confection not unlike a Klon Dyke Bar. (Which, come to think of it, is a rather peculiar name for a frozen confection, so now THAT is giving Us pause as well.  (As is the fact that, when We first typed “as well”, We mistyped “ass well”.  Which is, We suppose, better than having mistyped “ass swell”.)))

That’s a whole lotta pause goin’ on before We’ve even finished Our first cup of coffee.  We shall no doubt have to fast forward if We’re to have any hope whatsoever of getting anything done.


This just in from the Wacky Wonderful Wild and Woolly WorldWideInterWebNetz:  Go to Google and type "do mi" into the search bar and pause. The top autofill suggestion is "do midgets have night vision?"

Do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report.  So We’re gonna ask you one more time… Do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet?  Whip out your Visa™ and commence  to clicking, bee-yotch: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Meanwhile, it appears We were premature (she ejaculated) in Our announcement about the forthcomingness of Virgo.  Turns out it doesn’t even start till sometime tomorrow.  However, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: VIRGO has been given a soft opening (does that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounds dirty to Us, and We know what it really means.) So, if you’re a clever little Nosey Parker, you’ll be able to find it and have a look-see.  If you’re only a clever little Parker Posey, you’ll have to content yourself with Leo:


When We said “Nosey Parker”, We hadn’t even a glimmer that We had stumbled into a Parker Posey joke.  We are now, however, given to wondering what the hell has become of Parker Posey…excuse Us.

Okay, We’re back.  Having Googled Ms. Posey on Wikipedia, We can reassure you that she has several fillums in post-production.  Whew!

All things considered, it was pretty much a waste of a weekend.  We spent most of it on behind-the-scenes publicity efforts for Our show. (In between people peeing in Our punchbowl, that is.) We have approximately a thousand seats to fill, so if everyone who’s reading this right now comes to the show about five hundred times, We should be alright. Bright spots in Our weekend?  Included the aforementioned Virgo soft opening (now it sounds even dirtier) and receiving an email containing the word “yoink”. (We are training Ourself to be happy with the little things.  Mainly because We ain’t seen a big thing in years.)

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: RuPaul’s soft opening.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Life seems to flow more easily today, (Oh, goody!  A heavy flow day!  No doubt with chunks.  Our menstrual cup runneth over.)

(To aid in your efforts to mental floss the preceding, We are going to allow you to pretend that we actually said “heavy Flo day”, but only if you promise to kiss Our grits.)

and you should find that even the toughest challenges are a bit simpler to work through. (Then they’re not the toughest challenges any more, are they?  Asshat.)

Use this new speed  (Wait…there’s speed?)

to make short work of something big!  (Honey, if We finally get something big, We want it to last a LOOOOOOOONNGGGG time.)

Think of someone you know who’s extremely easy to talk to, (People in comas are easy to talk to, but it doesn’t mean they’re listening.)

and drop her or him a line today. (We were going to do a riff on what the hell “drop a line” means in this day and age, but “her or him”?  What the hell is that?  Is that one of those classes of angels?  Ya know, “Sing with us, ye seraphim, choke on it, ye cherubim, whore it up, ye herorhim…”?)

(In case you hadn’t noticed, We spent a number of years in Catholic school.  And look how well We turned out!)

You need to put a bit more effort into maintaining this relationship. (Fine.  Just this once, We’ll switch to Our left hand.)

(We were about to say We’d switch to Daniel Day-Lewis’s left foot, but then We realized We hadn’t seen him lately, either.)

Emails are nice, but nothing can replace the sound of your voice. (We KNOW, Ducks.  (Of course, there’s always the sound of one hand crapping.))

You might think you don’t have the time for a phone call, (Oh, please.  We don’t have time for an Instant Message.  (Remember Instant Messaging?  IMing, as it were?  Does anyone still DO that?  Does aol even still exist?  We are so out of the loop…)

but clear communication is crucial right now.  (Skeenorzix!  Flu flu henkel  buckwalter drainspout.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

Demonstrate this person’s importance in your life by sharing something very valuable: Your time.  (This horoscope has been going on for so long We’ve completely forgotten what person this old gasbag is droning on about.)

Communication is crucial (And cocksucking is critical.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

(Meanwhile, Our Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “cocksucking” isn’t a word.  Which certainly explains a great deal of what goes on around here.)


if you ever want someone special to know how you really feel.  (Oh, yes, please.  Let Us explain Our feelings to Our very own ‘tard.)

Unless they’re mind readers, (We know what you’re thinking.  (Oh, yes, We do; We’re psychic.))

it’s up to you to clue them in. (That’s exactly what you were thinking.  (See?  Psychic.  (Of course, mind reading is much easier when it’s all written down.))

Body language can only go so far, so start talking. (Let Us hear your body talk, your body talk…Our body says, “Fuck you!”)

                                                                                                                
 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.




Friday, August 19, 2011

You probably think this song is about you




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, August 19, 2011.  Ah, that hazy line between LegendInOne’sOwnMind and Gen-U-Wine-Celeb-U-Tard…how and when does One finally cross it?  Here’s a hint:  acting like an asshole is NOT a necessary part of the equation.  Especially if you’re still trying to claw your way UP to The F List.  KThxBye.

But enough about Dreary Other People…let’s talk about Us.

We promise that when WE finally ascend to the heights of fame and fortune which We well and truly deserve, We won’t be any more of an asshole than We are right now.  You’re welcome.

Do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report.  So We’re gonna ask you one more time… Do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet?  Whip out your Visa™ and commence  to clicking, bee-yotch: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Meanwhile, last call for Leo approacheth apace, and soon We shall be ripping into Virgo like the captain of the Chess Club into an ugly girl’s hymen. (We know how excited you all get when We flex Our litter-hairy muscles.  You’re welcome.)  You cannot imagine the Very Special Episode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope that We’ve created just for the occasion.  Till that titillating temptation toddles along, here’s one last look at Leo:



And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Buster Keaton starring in Buster  Hymen.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You need to wrangle your possessions into some kind of order today.  (Okay, We?  Do not “wrangle”.  Unless there are gentlemen in assless chaps involved.)

That could mean a straight-up inventory,  (Not bloody likely.)

or just cleaning out that one drawer or closet that’s always so much trouble.  (Or just putting the damn drawer IN the damn closet, and thereby solving the entire conundrum.)

 Controversy will be your ally today. (No it won’t.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

It will create a nice, loud, distracting noise that will keep everyone busy —  (Look…she’s trying to goad Us into telling more fart jokes, like the other day!  We shall not be goaded.  Or wrangled.  Or controversed.)

(Okay, We are totally not making this up:  Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “fart jokes” to “fat jokes”.  Is 10:30AM too early to get really drunk and have a good cry?)

and out of your hair! (Wet fart!  Who’s got a comb?  (Sorry…that fart joke just sort of slipped out.  You’ll need to keep a much better grip on Uranus.))

You will need all the elbow room (Wait…who said you could put your elbows up there?)

(You’re pixturing that now, aren’t you?  Mentally rushing to fill the WorldWideInterWebNetzian niche market for elbow porn.  Cheeky wanker.)

 and autonomy  (Auto who?  Auto-nom-nom-nom-y.)

you can get today, as it’s the perfect day to put new ideas to work. (If Our ideas go to work, will they come home with a paycheck?)

Get in some of that research, planning or organizing you need to do as early in the day as possible.  (That sounds like a lot of work.)

 By late afternoon, people could be hovering around you again, looking for the answers only you can give. (The answer, my friend, is farting in the wind; the answer is farting in the wind.)

 It’s not always easy to be agreeable and charming, (But if you’re going to pick one or the other, remember that “charming” at least has its very own prince.)

but today you seem to be glowing with good vibes. (Insert recreational drug joke here.)

Share your positive mood with friends and let your energy recharge those around you.  (Why?  What did they ever do for Us?)
                                                                                                                
 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.