Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thirds Day, September 29, 2010. Thirds Day is, of course, the holiday on which We celebrate famous third members of trios/trinities/trilogies, such as Curly, the Holy Ghost, Jack, Pop, Mary, and Ollie.
(We will be kind enough to pause here for station identification, to give you all a chance to be sure you knew the threesomes (heh) in question.)
Happy birthday to Rose Sha-Na-Na, the mother of the famous Sha-Na-Na brothers, who sang such hit songs as “Get A Job”, although never to Us. Despite the fact that Mrs. Sha-Na-Na is Jewish, the Catholic schools in Our neighborhood appear to have given their little no-neck monsters the day off in her honor, and great frolicking and merriment are occurring directly outside OurVeryHouseWhereWeLive. Muzzle tov.
(Heh. “Muzzle tov.” We kill Us.)
This being, apparently, Our month for visitations, We were yesterday called upon by Our former boarder from 2010. In reviewing Our epistles from the period during which he brightened Our humble abode, We find that We were uncharacteristically reticent in holding forth upon his very existence. This was in keeping with Our mission to keep Erix Daily Horoscope from ever becoming about Other People, not because We are vain, but because We wish to avoid legal action. So We probably never told you that his name is MonkeyNipples.
Astute Readers (SSL for short (Stute as a Second Language)) will notice that there was absolutely no point to the preceding anecdote. You forget, however, that Erix Daily Horoscope functions as Our diary in addition to amusing your asses. Also that it is a Red-Letter Day around here when We are paid the least bit of attention, as We cannot get most people to answer Our phone calls, emails, texts, tweets, or smoke signals.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Daniel Radcliffe’s dirty laundry. (We could explain why Daniel Radcliffe had to be in here today, but then We’d have to kill you.) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Your emotional side is out in force right now, and that could mean that you’re feeling a bit shaky — or maybe a bit cocky! (Or maybe a bit cocktail shakery! With a side of random exclamation points!!!)
Whatever it is, you may be a step or two out of sync with your peers. (Well, as long as you’re in sync with your pets. Or, alternatively, petting ‘NSync. (Because there is no day so perfect that it cannot be improved by a random Justin Timberlake apparition.))
Nothing is going to be to certain today, (Are you sure about that?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
so it’s not the best time to make firm social plans. (In which way does “petting Justin Timberlake” NOT involve “firm social plans”?)
You might end up having to reschedule at the last minute — or, even worse, you might end up being stood up! (DAMN that callous Justin Timberlake!)
There will be plenty of opportunities to prevent bad decisions today, as many folks will be asking for your advice. (Luckily, we can run everybody’s life but Our Own.)
Reassure people that their instincts are right, (You stink just right.)
and be as positive and as encouraging as you can. (You’re not really quite as stupid as you think you are. Did your parents have any children who lived?)
With the giving mood you’re in, this won’t be difficult. (Actually, it’s a THANKSgiving mood. Because We are surrounded by turkeys.)
(Why We don’t have a job writing Hallmark™ cards, We’ll never know.)
Knowing what you’re searching for makes it easier to find it. (Wow, Kelli. Just wow. MENSA called; they’ve elected you president.)
Spend some time today thinking about what you’re really looking for in a partner. (We have said it before, and We shall say it again: a penis and a pulse.)
Be realistic and honest, (Where’s the fun in THAT?)
but have fun, too. (Oh, shut up.)
Then go on and answer the ads that seems to be just right for you. (Personal ads? Really? Why do We even HAVE an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.