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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Saw Cinderella in a party dress, but she was looking for a nightgown



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toothy, November 29, 2011.  Very few people seem to be having birthdays these days, and We have precious little else to report.  Consequently, We have been poking about (!) in Our Google-O-Meter™ statistics, which is somewhat disturbingly illuminating.  For example, in the past twenty four hours, Random Readers have arrived on these hallowed pages by searching such things as “rosie and renee tenison and twin and nude”, “big tits at work ava Addams”, and “down syndrome girl on thanksgiving chicken leg caption like”.   As always, We are not making this up, and, furthermore, We have done the necessary legwork to be able to warn you confidently that you should not search ANY of these things at work.  The ladies named in the first two searches turn out to be actresses in, shall We say, art films (NUDIES!!!), and it is unclear to Us why anyone (specifically Google) would think they could be found here.  However, it is the last search which has Us the most flummoxed. (Although now as We re-read it, We could imagine it as a lyric in a country-western song.  (We’ll pause here, while you go back and sing it for your own selves.))

See?

Mercifully, Charlene Tilton continues to search for herself, so all is right with the world.

In other news, speaking of pornography, a children’s theatre in the area keeps advertising their upcoming show on SitOnMyFaceBook, and We keep misreading the title as Cinderella’s Balls.

In still other news, the rain appears to have stopped and the sun is shining, so We may get some outside errands run after all.  So listen faster, people, so We can wrap this up.

We have already mentioned that We have precious few birthdays in Our calendar these days, so PLEASE, if YOU have friends with Sagittarius birthdays, send them the following, or drop it on their SitOnMyFaceBook pages, or share it with your friends who AREN’T having birthdays, or something.  It’s the least you can do, after all We do for you.  (Why, the Cinderella’s Balls joke alone should be worth three video shares.)



In still other alternative other news, here’s where to get tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (seriously, We are writing Our very faces off…Jesus and Mary are making an appearance, Santa and his friends will be there, and, of course, the Duchess, Marie, and Bev), Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas): https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  

And now, the HorrorScope:

Your vision is strong, (We thought We smelled something.)

so make the most of it. (Oh, sure.  Like that time We saw the Virgin Mary in Our Toaster Streudel™.  Nobody believed Us then, either.)

You might find that your energy is better spent on clarifying (Butter?)

than direct action, ( Now We are trying to figger out what exactly is INdirect action?)

but the time is coming (So’s Christmas.  (Did We mention that Our tree is trimmed, Our cards are in the mail, and a goodly portion of Our presents are bought and wrapped?   Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because We’re Better Than You.))

when you need to move without thinking.  (We excel at doing pretty much anything without thinking.)

You are in control of your future (We know.  That’s why We have crystal balls. (Cinderella has balls, too, but We don’t know what hers are made of.  (It is possible, however, that at midnight, they turn back into pumpkins.  (Did We mention that We used to do children’s theatre?  We have no idea why We stopped.))))

— so don’t let anyone influence your hopes and wishes or tell you that what you want won’t ever happen.  (Cinderella, of course, met a handsome prince.  Named Charming.  Presumably, he had balls, as well. Although if hers started out as pumpkins, they may well have been bigger than his.  Which could cause him some anxiety, if he weren’t (subjunctively) so princely.  And charming.)

(It is unclear to Us how We got from down syndrome girl on thanksgiving chicken leg caption like” to testicle envy.  Oh, what a tangled web We weave when having sex with boys named Steve.)

(We are trying to think of anyone named Steve who might be reading this, and failing.  So, if your name is Steve, and you are reading this, leave Us a comment.  We promise to tangle your web.)

It’s simply not true. (Liar, liar, Steve’s pants on fire.)

 This is a time to gather up your inner strength (And your crystal balls.)

and stand firm for what you want. (What do We want?  A cure for Tourette’s!  When do We want it?  CUNT! (We cannot believe no one commented on that joke the other day.  We LOVE that joke.))

An excess of energy could cause you to fly off the handle once or twice today, (How did We get on the handle in the first place?)

but no one will be offended by your passion.  (If you’ve got a passion for flashin’, and you’ve got a craving for shaving…)

(Clearly, that’s a jingle that’s not gonna end well.)

(Cinderella’s balls.)

You have a vision of what you want the next year of your life to be. (Does “not like the last year” count as a vision?)

Go out and get it started today.  (Today is the first day of the breast of your wife.)

(How do We do that?  No one knows.)

No one can predict the future. (Oddly enough, however, One can predict the past with uncanny accuracy.)

But you can control the present with your actions. (There are presents?)

Be smarter about your dating choices.  (So, presumably, first, We should choose to go on one.)

There’s no deadline for happiness.  (Too damn bad.  Because, if We gave it a deadline, maybe it would finally show the fuck up.)

Take your time when handing over your heart.  (Indeed.  Always try to bluff ‘em by giving ‘em your spleen first.  Because you can, ya know, LIVE without a spleen.  But you can’t live without…

CINDERELLA’S BALLS!!!)


 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Monday, November 28, 2011

Madness takes its toll…please have exact change



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Maundy, November 28, 2011.  Today’s Erix Daily Horosocpe Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Fatty Arbuckle Fats Waller Chow Yun Fat are in honor of everyone who ate too much over the Turkey Day holiday. (They also, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) put three celebrities into the “Labels” section who have most assuredly never appeared there before. (We just went off and verified that, because that’s the kind of classy high class class act We are here.)  Of course, being stuffed to Our very gills does not stop Us from thinking about food.  We found Ourself wondering this very morning why Turkey Day does not involve cranberry pie. A quick Googling on Wikipedia, resulting in a million and a half hits, disabused Us of the notion that Our thought was in any way original.

In case you missed Our latest installment, We will now update you on Our progress toward the next major holiday, which is, of course the Feast of the Immaculate Contraption. Our Immaculate Contraption tree, which was erected (ahem) before Our departure for Turkey Day, is now well and truly decorated.  Any number of Immaculate Contraption Day presents have wended their way to their ultimate destination, and Our Immaculate Contraption Day cards have all been written, addressed, and had their stamps licked.  As We said in Our previous entry, “Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful.  Hate Us because We are a well-oiled holiday machine.”

Meanwhile, when is the last time anyone actually licked a stamp?

In other news, We are very encouraged by several recent befriendings by strangers on the YouTube…We may be poised on the very brink of WorldWideInterWebNetzian superstardom.  So, whatever you do, do NOT watch the video that follows, or share it with your friends using the link thereafter.  After all, you wouldn’t want anything GOOD to happen this holiday season, would you?



In still other alternative other news, here’s where to get tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas): https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  

And now, in a desperate effort to up Our hit count, We shall muse upon how Charlene Tilton spent Turkey Day.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You want to succeed — who doesn’t? (Suicide bombers?  Meanwhile, We have said it before, and We shall say it again:  if you try to fail, and you succeed, what exactly have you done? (That there was a little Zen Buddhist conundrum for Our Zen Buddhist conundrum readers.  Said readers should be advised that, when We aren’t pixturing them nakedly skimming (and We HAVE seen at least one of them naked, although he was hardly (heh) skimming at the time), We pixture them in loincloths.  Just so ya know.))

The thing is, with you it’s more of a drive than a vague feeling. (The preceding sentence would take on a whole new meaning if you had ever seen Us drive.)

You need to make the most of this today, (Is anyone else not entirely sure what this “this” to which she is referring is?)

and really push yourself to new heights.  (Well, as long as they’re not wuthering.  (That there was one of Our by-now-infamous litter-hairy delusions, via which We demonstrate how much culture We have crammed into Our proverbial Petri dish.  And to think, YouLuckyPeople gte this all for free in your morning email.))

When push comes to shove today, (How rude!)

you have to speak your mind. (May We speak Our mind in tongues?)

Someone with very opportunistic tendencies has been taking advantage of someone you love — you.  (You’re no bunny till some bunny loves you.)

It’s time to put a stop to this. (Again with this “this” she keeps talking about.  Asshat.)

The best tactic is to find a way to completely remove yourself from this person’s presence.  (Alternatively, call up Big Pussy and have him whacked.  (That was a little Sopranos reference.  Because who doesn’t miss The Sopranos?))

People who are interested in you only for what they can get from you will quickly move along when they see that they won’t be getting it anymore.  (Wait a minute…don’t We get a say in this?)

 And you’ll be much better off.  (Why is the phrase “better off” rather than “better on”?  Inquiring minds Marcel Marceau.)

A current predicament could be making you feel flustered and off your game. (So, after the game, will it be a postdicament?)

While it’s tempting to give up, the real reward will come if you keep at it. (In other words, don’t give up the ship till you see the whites of their eyes.)

You can do this! (WHAT THE FUCK IS “THIS”???)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Come, they told me… so I did.






Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne, back again, Ducks, just when you thought you were rid of Us until you were knee-deep in turkey hash.  (Mmmm….hash.)  But at the last minute, Our rehearsal was called on account of rain (because apparently sketch comedy and baseball are the same thing…who knew?), and We felt compelled to come by and bid you one last adieu , reshare Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video with you, and impart a few nuggets of information.

(Micro$oft Word™ appears not to believe in “reshare”.  Share me once, Cher on you; Cher me twice, Charlize Theron.)

No.  We have no idea whatsoever.

Here is the link with which you can share Starzina’s wit and wisdom with the world.  Wankers.


And now, for the information We promised:

Our Christmas tree has been erected, and all of its lights work.  (It is not yet decorated, mind you.)

We have a goodly number of Christmas presents wrapped and ready for transport. (We will admit that We are further behind than  We usually are at this point in time, but We have never been a WorldWideInterWebNetzian Vlog Star before.)

Also, We have Our Christmas card address list edited, and Our labels printed.

Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful.  Hate Us because We are a well-oiled holiday machine.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,
Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Over the river and Natalie Wood





Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, November 22, 2011.  As you can see, We’ve just popped in to share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius edition with you.  (Click on the pic, in case you hadn’t figgered that out.) Other than that, We’ve got nothing to report.  So much to do, so little thyme.  To say nothing of parsley, sage, and Rosemary’s Baby.  Speaking of Mia Farrow, her all-growed-up son by Woody Allen is in the news…ROWRRRR!!!  How did THAT happen?

Was that scattered enough for you?  Good thing We’re not in charge of stuffing the turkey…there’s no telling WHAT might end up in there.

Here is the link, in case you are inclined (plainly) to share and share a leak:


The funny is just coming too fast and furious in here this morning for Us to stop and explain it to you.  Meanwhile, Our future ex-husband Rosemary’s Baby is named Ronan Farrow.  He is a Rhodes Scholar.  On the plus side, he works for Hillary Clinton.  On the minus side, Our father-in-law will be Woody Allen.  (We should point out at this juncture that We have never shared Our fellow intelligentsians’ hard-on for Woody Allen, whom We have always found annoying at best.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.  (Especially if your dad is named Ronan Farrow. (By the time We’re through with this boy, he’ll be as popular as Charlene Tilton.)))

But enough of this frivolity; We have yams to cram. Here’s where to get tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas)  : https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  .  And here’s the HorrorScope:

You don’t really need to tackle your own big business, right?  (We’d be lucky to tackle Our own monkey business.)

See if you can lend a hand when it’s needed, (Straightaway, here’s the sound of one hand clapping.)

(And here’s the sound of one hand spanking the monkey.)

(Could you tell the difference?)

(Is it live, or is it Memorex™?)

(And how many of you are actually imagining Us spanking the monkey?)

as the people in your life could really use your unique talents.  (Ah, yes, spanking the monkey till it shines.  (Get it?  Monkeyshines!  Monkey pee, monkey poo.  (Hey, We won’t be epistling on all y’all again till Monday…We’ve gotta leave an impression.  (We wouldn’t want to be accused of epistling in the wind.  After all, We’re not just epistling Dixie.))))

Go for it! (Go fuck yerself!)

Listen to dissenting voices today, especially if they suggest that you should give instead of take. (We do everything The Voices tell Us to do.)

Now it is strategically wise to reveal your more selfless side. (Now We’re scared…if Ourself isn’t on that side, WHO IS???)

If you focus too much on what you want, (We might accidentally get it?)

 you’re going to send the wrong message to the people who are watching you right now.  (But if they don’t know what We want, how can they possibly give it to Us?)

Devote a little more time to helping others  (Oh, see, now.  We KNOW that’s wrong.  Because They always say, “God helps those who help themselves.”  Which is why We always help Ourself to another helping.  As you can see from the size of Our ass.  (Actually, you can’t see it in Our video, as We have a briLLLiant  cinematographer who always keeps Our ass (and the wheelbarrow that it’s trundled about in) tastefully off camera.  Cheers, Ducks.))

— ask around and find out who could use an extra set of hands.  (It only takes one hand to spank a monkey.  Who needs his monkey spanked?  Ronan, is that you?)

Even if you aren’t exactly in a giving mood, (We are in a SpanksGiving mood.)

you’ll change your tune once you dig in.  (Yes, We shall.  We shall change from “Epistling Dixie” to “It’s Raining Men”.)

Using your charms to get your way will work wonders today, (Now where did We put Our fucking charms? (Always after me fucking charms, they’re practically meretricious.))

yet being sincere (Jigga WHAT?)

when asking for help gets your request moving along a lot quicker.  (As does a tasty high-fiber cereal.)

Be sure not to overtly flirt for favors. (But if We COvertly flirt, however shall they know that We’re doing it?)

That’s just tacky! (We are wearing a purple turban festooned with a rhinestone star that We bought at the CVS, blue eyeshadow, and plastic pearls from the dollar store.  We hardly need YOU to define “tacky” for Us.)

Happy Turkey, everyone!

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Monday, November 21, 2011

Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side.




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monte Hall, November 21, 2011.  Happy Birthday to all you Birthday Havers who are Having Birthdays out there in Birthday-Having Land.  We know We wished a number of you Happy Birthday on SitOnMyFaceBook, but We suspect that you are not amongst those who are reading here.  (Who, We are told, are both very nice. (We would put out a call for pictorial proof of the rest of you nakedly skimming, but (A.) you’d probably skim right past it and (2.) We’re not entirely certain We’d want to see you naked. (Please note that the preceding does not apply to those naked skimmers whom We have already seen naked, whom We would cheerfully see naked again.  A little naked nostalgia, if you will.  (Ooops…did We say “little”?  We didn’t mean it like that. (We were just compelled, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, to go and count up Our Gentle Readers whom We have seen naked.  Amongst those of you who receive email notifications of these epistles, that would be thirteen of you.  Somehow, We are fairly sure that that cannot possibly bode well.))))

By “wishing people a happy birthday on SitOnMyFaceBook”, We mean, of course, dropping the following on their page:


If you have friends with birthdays today, why’n’tcha share it with them? (Today is the last day on which you can do so, unless you know for a fact what sign they claim to be, as tomorrow is Cusp Day, when, depending on which year they were born, they might be either Scorpios or Sagittarians.  (The following day is Quisp™ Day, on which We all sit around in Our Scooby-Doo™ jammies and eat defunct breakfast cereal. (The day after that is Thanksgiving, which is followed by Black Friday, Mulatto Saturday, and Mocha Chocolotta Ya-ya Creole Lady Marmalade Sunday. We should point out at this juncture that, on almost all of the aforementioned Days Of Your Lives, there will be no Erix Daily Horoscope, so savor your naked skimming while you can.)))

Here’s that link for sharing, in case the preceding got you confused:


Meanwhile, We would like to thank you all for the concern you expressed on the occasion of Our accident, which We told you about on Friday.  Clearly, We are destined to be that old lady on the floor who’s talking into her necklace under the delusion that she’s actually telling someone “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”.  You, of course, are her family who has, unbeknownst to her, let her Medic-Alert™ subscription lapse.  Hilarity ensues.

(We were just proofreading (unlike that Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli), and noticed that We had mistyped “who has” as “whohas”.  Which is, of course, a misspelling of “hoo-has”.  All of this talk of naked skimming clearly has Us in a dither.)

On the off chance that We make it up off the floor, We will be doing two shows in December.  You can pick up your tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas.)   here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  

And now, Charlene Tilton.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

(See, the naked skimmers have no idea why that was funny.)

Now is a great time to get things started  (The Addams Family, as you know, started when Uncle Fester farted.  Because We?  Are twelve.)

— you’ve got more energy than you know what to do with, (Have We met?)

and things are lining up to make anything you launch today into something really awesome.  (Lynch…gruesome…lunch….threesome…nope, We got nothin’.)

 Now is a good time to think about renewal in your life. (Because We are a library book?)

A few old relationships that you may think are gone actually still have plenty of life left in them.  (As We said earlier, keep those naked skimmer pictures coming!)

Take a chance and send out a feeler or two today, (Heh.)

in the form of either an email or a phone call. (Oh.)

You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. (Was that a fat joke?  Because it sounded a lot like a fat joke.)

Growth is a powerful force, (It WAS a fat joke.)

so spend some time nurturing something in your life — whether it’s a plant, a person or just a wacky idea. (Perhaps a wacky plant…or weed, if you will.)

Make things grow today!  (Sit on a naked skimmer’s lap!)

All may not be fair in love and war, but the least you can do is allow for a fair fight. (But you just said all was NOT fair in…oh, never mind.)

Arguments help you understand another point of view. (No, arguments help you figger out who’s stupid enough to disagree with you.  DUH.)

However, drudging up the past without warning is hitting below the belt.  (“Drudging”?  Seriously?  And yet, We are an  editor with no job.  Gah.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Friday, November 18, 2011

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FryDaddy, November 18, 2011. So We have returned from two eleven-hour days of focus grouping, and have caught up on Our sleep.  Himself, meanwhile, posted the following on a messageboard he frequents, almost as though HE were (subjunctively) the one who had gone ficus groping.  And We quote:

So I had my Very First Ever (well, okay since college) Falling Down In Public Episode today. And before anyone says "Long Island Iced Tea", no liquor was involved.

I was doing some business (oh, get your minds out of the gutter) in a Center City Philadelphia high-rise office building with a MARBLE FLOOR in the foyer. It rained today here, and I was returning from a break.

Having been mercifully away for awhile from Corporate America, I headed for my objective (the elevators) instead of checking in with the SecuriNazis; a SecuriNazi called out to me and, the next thing I knew, my feet went out from under me on the very slick floor, I was ass over tea kettle, and struck my temple (very hard, I might add) on the aforementioned marble floor.

In the blink of an eye, I changed from a security risk to a lawsuit threat. BottomOfTheTotemPoleSecurityNazi wouldn't even let me get up. Or tell me if I was bleeding. (I wasn't.) An actual medical doctor happened by, and asked me if I knew the date and the year, then sheared off when it became clear to him (his words) "there's nothing billable here".

BottomOfTheTotemPoleSecurityNazi's boss showed up and took my name, address, (and ACTUAL age...I didn't want to be accused of brain damage)...they both kept asking me if I wanted paramedics or 911...what I mostly wanted was to get up off the fucking floor.

My takeaway:

Don't fall down in public.

Also, if I wake up dead tomorrow, I *OWN* that building, right? 

Yeah, dream on, Fat Boy.

In other news, in addition to Our freckles gripe paycheck (We are obviously working up to an autocorrect joke.  Unfortunately, We have no clue what the punchline is.), We won twenty-five dollars for being randomly chosen from the group of people who showed up early as instructed.  We have also been sent free cash to induce Us to shop at two of Our favorite stores (but without any strings attached to make Us spend MORE than the cash they sent).We have also won two free tickets to a play.

Clearly, something terrible is about to happen.


Before it does, you can pick up your tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas.)   here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  

Alternatively, here’s this:


Share it with your goddamn friends already:


And now, Charlene Tilton in the new musical version of Little Women, entitled Little Women With Big Tits.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

This is a time for prudence (Why would anyone actually name a child “Prudence”?  You’re just kind of guaranteeing that she’ll never get laid.)

and slow thinking, (Oh, yay!  It’s ‘Tard Day!  Everybody talk like ‘tards!)

(The preceding would have been a lot funnier if this were (subjunctively) a vlog instead of a blog.  (Didja know that We vlog?  Did it ever occur to you to share it with your friends?  Here’s that link again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go
 (We realize that the reason you may not be sharing it with your friends may be that you don’t have any friends.  But, hey.  Anything could happen.  We won two contests this week.  You could make a friend at any moment.   It’s not likely, being the naked skimmers that you are, but it could happen.)))

not for jumping ahead of yourself.  (Games That One Person Cannot Play:  Leapfrog.)

Make sure that your energy is spent on the right activities, as you don’t want to overwhelm yourself or your people.  (Again with this delusion of Our having “people”.  Also, in order to be overwhelmed, wouldn’t One have to be whelmed in the first place?)

Despite the plethora (“Plethora”?)

of tempting invitations being tossed your way lately, (We are fairly sure that “go fuck yourself” doesn’t count as an invitation.)

it’s in your best interest for you to slow down. (“Plethora” is funnier if you say it like a ‘tard.)

Even a quiet night out might turn into a crazy adventure (Movie mash-up:  PeeWee’s Big Poseidon Adventure.)

— and a foggy and unproductive morning full of regret. (Which, oddly enough, was Our nickname in high school.)

Your social life is definitely taking a back seat right now, (To Our antisocial life?)

but that’s for the best. (Are you sure it’s not for the antibest?)

Some social tension could boil over into a romantic turf war, (Or a romantic surf and turf war.  Which would be, essentially, a waste of good steak and lobster.)

and you don’t want to be around to catch any friendly fire.  (However, We wouldn’t say “No” to a friendly fireman.)

 You may feel like you want to skip over the mundane aspects of your life in order to get to the good stuff more quickly.  (Wait…there’s good stuff?)

Try not to rush ahead; living in present is important. (Wait…there are presents?)

Think of it as laying a good foundation for your future. (Wait…”laying”?)

Take your time, and savor each day. (YAY!  ‘TARD DAY!!!)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.