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Friday, December 30, 2011

Who are you doing New Year’s, New Year’s Eve?



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for New Year’s Eve Eve, Eve was weak, dirty pillows, etc.   Today’s epistle will be somewhat abbreviated, as We must be off to purchase pork and kielbasa. (We wish that were (subjunctively) a euphemism, but sadly, it is not.)

We just paused to ponder how one might actually abbreviate an epistle, and came up with “episs”.  Which led to further speculation on the fact that, prior to the advent of computers, We just had plain old mail, and now We have email.  So presumably, back in the day, We had plain old pistles, and now We have epistles.  We do so hope these speculations don’t episs off the Corinthians.

That there was a little biblical humor.  Much like the one about Mary Magdalene and the whoopee cushion.  Here is another bit of biblical humor that We encountered on the WorldWideInterWebnetz this morning: 

Church is pretty much a book club where they assign the same book every week, but everyone still forgets to read it.

In still other news, We are having serious SitOnMyFaceBook issues.  We were minding Our own business yesterday, attempting to update Our status by posting the link to yesterday’s e-pistle and a quote from http://www.textsfromlastnight.com when We noted that SOMFB was not so much letting Us post.  Naturally, We tried a number of times, and were finally informed that, due to some unspecified infraction, We would have “limited access” for “a few days”.  “Limited access” apparently means that We can look at SOMFB, but We can’t post anything or send any messages.  Which pretty much defeats the whole purpose of social media.   We also discovered, buried deep in the SOMFB bylaws, the fact that, because We tried to post repeatedly, “a few days” might mean any damn thing.  If anyone is looking for Us, We’ll be over on MySpace.  (At least We know there’ll be more people there than there are on Google+.)

So could folks help a social media whore out and share Our Capricorn video with your friends?  Or stick it on your page?  Or send it to the folks at the Logo network and get Us a damn contract?


You can share it using this:


You can see it here:


Maybe if We just offer Jesse Eisenberg a few biblical favors, We can find Our way out of this mess.

And now, Charlene Tilton reads John Milton to Paris Hilton.  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

 Make sure that you’re using your energy in the right way (Blowing Jesse Eisenberg, yes?)

(Ooops….was that vulgar?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

— and that those around you are getting at least some of the benefit of it. (Jesse Eisenberg won’t know what hit him.  We can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.)

(What do We want?
A cure for Tourette’s!
When do We want it?
Cunt!)

(We love that joke.)

 You should be able to help yourself as you help the world.  (God helps those who helps themselves, so We’ll help Ourself to another helping of Hamburger Helper™.)

(Where did that saying come from?  We’re reasonably sure that Hamburger Helper™ isn’t in the bible.  Loaves-and-Fishes Helper™, probably, and Manna Helper™ almost definitely, but We’re pretty sure they didn’t kill the fatted calf and mix it up with Hamburger Helper™.  (They probably used Manwich™.))

(Hey, if RepubliKlan presidential candidates can make up what the bible says, so can We.)

Someone you usually have a real problem with is going to be a bigger part of this day than you’d ideally like or so you think, (We can only IMAGINE what that means.  Presumably, We’ll wind up having to blow Mark Zuckerberg instead of Jesse Eisenberg, when, all things considered, obviously…







…wait for it…







…are you ready?...














…We’d rather be an Eisenberger helper™ than a Zuckerberger Helper™.  (Oh, the comedy!  Our sides, they split; Our pants, We pee.))

but the good news is (There’s good news?)

that you will slowly find yourself getting to like their little idiosyncrasies as the day moves forward. (Why is it that, as soon as somebody tries to dismiss something as “a little idiosyncrasy”, it always turns out to be like cannibalism, or pedophilia, or the Spanish Inquisition?)

 Maybe it’s the more flexible mood you’ve been in lately, maybe it’s the pleasant turn in the weather, or maybe it’s just because you’re tired of being annoyed by them. (Or maybe Justin Bieber’s pubes.  (Hey, he’s seventeen.  If We ask him “que pasa?”, We can fuck him, as long as We eat him afterwards.)

(That was a little “cannibalism, pedophilia, Spanish inquisition” joke.  For all of Our pervert readers.)

(We used to be into S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then We realized We were just beating a dead horse.)


Whatever the reason, rejoice in the fact that the day’s frustration level will be low.  (That’s what Jesse Eisenberg said.)

 Okay, guys and gals, (“Gals”?  Seriously?  What the hell is it, 1957?)

it’s time to set some goals. (You set the goals, Asshat; We’ll take care of the goalies.)

 Not the kind at either end of the football field — the romantic kind, sillies! (“Sillies”?  Oh, it’s 1957 on Fire Island.)

Who do you want to love, and when? (This is an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)….you’re supposed to be telling Us.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.




Thursday, December 29, 2011

Karma karma karma karma karma iguana


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thirsty, December 29, 2011.  We have returned from Christmas In The Hinterlands, and We trust that you all had Merry and/or Happy HanaChristmaKwanzzicas  and Festive Festivuses (Festivii?) as well. We just dropped by to poop out a brief Epistle to the Forsythians before heading off to see TCBITWWW, who is in from the Left Coast, followed by TCDentistITWWW, in a fiasco of scheduling of Olympian proportions.  (For those who can’t read between the lines, “Forsythians” = “disciples of John Forsythe, most particularly the Dynasty years”.  “Olympian proportions” = “the size of Olympia Dukakis”.)

So didja miss Us?

The WaitStaff show was a huge success, as those of you who were actually present already know.  Look for it to return as Christmas in July  if We have anything to say about it.

Also, We are enormously proud of Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, in which Our Capricornian cameraman takes over the proceedings.  You can see it here:


And you can share it with your Capricornian friends using this:


And now, Charlene Tilton weeps for joy that We have returned to make her relevant again.  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

Karma swings by for a visit  (And here We are, with Our chameleon at the cleaners.)

— have you been good lately or in a past life, at least?  (Clearly, We were Genghis Khan in a past life, judging by the punishment We are receiving in this one.)

Whatever happens today is a payment of some kind, but try not to read too much into it until you’ve had time to process.  (We are so poor, We cannot even pay attention.)

 You might be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

to discover that one of your dreams is awfully close to becoming a reality today.  (Great…all of Our dreams last night were nightmares.)

All it takes is vision — and a plan for how to proceed.  (Two other things We don’t have.)

You need someone to give you a little push, (So We need a pusher?)

but you can keep yourself swinging after that. (A pusher, a swinger, and a candlestick maker.)

(No, We have no idea.)

So if you’ve been in a thick fog about how you are going to approach this goal, have a short conversation early on today with someone who’s been there before. (The fog is so thick, We are peeing soup. (We’re pretty sure it’s minestrone.))

They will help get a few ideas percolating.  (Peeing soup, percolating coffee…the taffy pull should begin any minute now.)

(We already told you, We have no idea.)

You’ll see a pathway! (THROUGH the pee soup fog?)

Love karma alert!  (Oh, shut up.)

It’s time to pour some selfless, gorgeous energy into the world. (Yeah, We’ll get right on that.)


 It’s when you expect nothing in return that you get all the sweet stuff. (We’ve been expecting nothing for so long, We should have everything by now.)




 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Fa-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra, Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra



Hello, Ducks!  Starzina Starfish-Browne here, with your Erix Daily Horosocpe for TheThursdayBeforeChristmasGoodLordHowDidThisHappenAlready, December 22, 2011.

 A very short epistle today, as We've just dropped by to share Our latest Starzina's Time Of TheMonth Horoscope:  CAPRICORN.  We think it is Our best effort to date, despite the entire proceeding having been taken over by Our Cpricornian cameraman.  In his birthday suit.  We hope you will agree, and will share it with your friends.  (We've no idea why Wecan't make it appear above, as We are not on Our own computer, but here is the link:):

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

Ta-ta, Ducks!

Your-O-Scope:

http://humorscope.com/

Happy Hollandiase!
Love,
Starzina

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ToozDee, December 20, 2011.  It occurred to Us that We were talking about Ryan Phillippe the other day, and that We couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t be improved by the presence of a picture of Ryan Phillippe and his DSL*, so herewith is a festive holiday example of same.  You’re welcome.

(The computer geeks are all, “How does Starzina know that Ryan Phillippe has DSL?”  Meanwhile, the rest of YouPerverts are all, “Heh-heh-heh.”)

We notice that Our naked skimmer whom We pixture nakedly skimming when We mention all of Our naked skimmers has apparently nakedly skimmed right past yesterday’s entry, wherein We mentioned that he is the naked skimmer whom We pixture nakedly skimming when We mention all of Our naked skimmers, and asked him, if he recognized his nakedly skimming self, to nakedly skim Us an email acknowledging same.

Ryan Phillippe’s DSL.  Heh…We kill Us.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, (Segue?  What’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.) they had their last rehearsal last night  in an effort to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, and they hope to see you tonight  at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club for The Real Housewives of South Philly Occupy Xmas.  Once you’ve seen the show, you will understand how very bizarre it was for them to be rehearsing said show in someplace called The Church Of The Crucifixion, and no, We are not making that up.  Presumably, the AA meeting which was going on in the room above the room where they were rehearsing distracted The Big Guy and kept them all from being struck by lightning.

Tickets can no longer be obtained online, as it is the day of the show, but you can still get them by calling Helium (215-496-9001) or by just showing up at the door tonight.  Did We mention that Himself is playing both Santa Claus AND Jesus H. Christ in the course of the festivities?  You do not want to miss.

In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this.  If you haven’t already.  And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping.  And you drool.  And not in a cute way.


You could also share it with your friends.  It’s the least you could do.  No, really, the very least.  Considering all We do for you:


And now, We continue to be fixated by Ryan Phillippe’s DSL.  Some of the rest of you may prefer to nakedly skim along to the HorrorScope.  (We’re picturing you doing that, just so you know.):

Things are going totally wrong for you today (Well, don’t sugarcoat it or anything.)

— but that’s not such a bad thing, actually!  (How is “totally wrong” not a bad thing?)

Everyone needs some down time now and then, (We won’t be seeing “down time” for a good forty-eight hours.)

and this is the universe’s way of telling you to chill out.  (Meanwhile, THIS is Our way of telling The Universe to go fuck itself.)

Positive possibilities are all around you right now, (And yet things are going “totally wrong”?  Do you even listen to yourself talk?  Asshat.)

 making today a very good time to initiate any major projects you’ve been pondering.  (Even though things are going “totally wrong” and We’re supposed to be having “down time”?  Why do We not have this stupid woman’s job?)

This could include business deals or personal undertakings. (Or personal undertakers.  Of whom, oddly enough, We know one, and he will be at the show tonight.  Of course, since everything is going to go “totally wrong”….)

If all of the key elements are in place, you should feel free to put your signature on the dotted line with confidence. (Which part of “totally wrong” are We not understanding?)

Formal relationships and contractual agreements that you enter into today are poised to really pay off.  (We give up.)

There could be a good reason you feel uncomfortable about something in your love life. (Not if it involves Ryan Phillippe’s DSL We won’t.)

Reconsider a judgment you made about someone recently, and let them know if you change your mind.  (The last time We changed Our mind We wound up with two fives and a ten. (Ba-DUMP-bump.))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Monday, December 19, 2011

Moonlight becomes you; it goes with your hairy palms


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Montage, December 19, 2011.  Christmas is a week from yesterday, in case you’ve lost track.  Meanwhile, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that someone arrived on these hallowed pages this morning by searching “today's horoscope fuck yeah get up enjoy life”.  How the fuck did THAT happen, We should like to know?

When last We spoke, We had returned from the eye doctor and were on Our way to see The Tooth Fairy. (Calling Our dentist “The Tooth Fairy” literally just occurred to Us in the middle of typing that sentence.  How We don’t have a job writing for Modern Family, We’ll never know.)   Suddenly and without warning, a scant ONE HOUR before Our 3:30 appointment, one of The Tooth Fairy’s minions rang Us up to cancel Us, as The Tooth Fairy’s hygienist had called in sick.  Which We suspect she did not do at 2:30 in the afternoon.  Now, if WE cancelled on The Tooth Fairy an hour before Our scheduled appointment, We are fairly certain his policy would be to charge Us for the appointment.  So what’s he gonna do for Us, We should like to know?

(Is it possible for Us to end every single paragraph of today’s horoscope with “We should like to know”, We should like to know?)

We think We should get Our next appointment free, and We hope to have the cojones to ask for same.  Of course, if you’d ever seen Our Tooth Fairy, you could think of several other things We might ask him for as well, We should like to know.

Yeah, see, that one didn’t work so well.  Never mind.


Speaking of the WaitStaff, they continue to rehearse their dingles to the berry to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, and they hope to see you tomorrow, December 20th, at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club for The Real Housewives of South Philly Occupy Xmas.  Tickets (which, We have just been informed, are selling like hotcakes) can be obtained here:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897 and make an excellent early Christmas gift for those difficult-to-buy-for people on your Christmas list .  Please note that online ticket sales stop on the day of performance, but that tickets will still be available at the door.  Even if you call and are told the show is sold out, just say “liar, liar, pants on fire” and show up anyway.  We promise you, you will get in.

In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this.  If you haven’t already.  And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping.  And you drool.  And not in a cute way.


You could also share it with your friends.  It’s the least you could do.  No, really, the very least.  Considering all We do for you:


And now, due to illness, the role of Charlene Tilton will be played today by Pamela Sue Martin’s hairdresser.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You’re not just thinking about yourself today (Well, We were thinking about thinking about Ourself, but then We wondered if that would be thoughtless, considering all the poor children in India who don’t know Us to think about, and have to think about sacred cows instead.  And that made Us think how much We’d enjoy a delicious burger right about now, so We guess We wound up thinking about Ourself after all.  Life is so complexicated.)

— in fact, you seem to be focusing your energy much farther.  (Farther than India?  What’s farther than India?  Presumably China, although that may be starting to get closer again, given the world being round and all.)

(We are SOOOO deep.  Stay away from the edge; you might fall in.  And then where would you be, We should like to know?)

(To the one naked skimmer who is currently conjuring a mental image of the preceding, thank you.  That’s the most anyone’s thought of plunging into Our abyss in years. (“Plunging into Our abyss” is, of course, a euphemism.  (It is also, We seem to recall hearing recently, a song on the latest McDonna album.  (The opposite of “euphemism”, in case you were wondering, is “mephemism”.  Or, in Our case, “Usphemism”.))))

(So are you still naked, skimmer? (You long-time Gentle Readers will be fascinated to know that, when We say “naked skimmer”, there is one person in particular that We picture.  Skimming.  Nakedly.  If you think it’s you, drop Us a line.  Unless you’ve skimmed past this.  Nakedly.))

(Why isn’t “happiness” spelled “ha’penis”, We should like to know?)

It’s a good time for you to step up (Like the red-headed stepchild that We are.)

and show the world what you can do for it.  (Ask not what in the world the world can do for you, ask what in the world you can do for the world.  Also, viZZZualize whirled peas.)

Your task today is to appreciate everything. (We’re much better at appreciating nothing.  Because We have so much of it.)

This doesn’t mean that you should write a thank-you note for everyone who smiles at you today, (Who can turn the whirlpool on with her smile?  Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all Vera Miles?)

 but it does mean that you should take an extra second every once in a while to remind yourself that you have it so much better than so many other people. (Like those poor children in India, thinking of sacred bacon cheeseburgers.)

Sure, things aren’t perfect  (They aren’t?  And why not, We should like to know?)

— and sometimes the people you love can drive you a bit crazy. (It is, all things considered, a very short drive.)

But you wouldn’t trade it for anything — this is a day to contemplate that.  (“It”…”that”…where oh where have Our little antecedents gone?  Oh where oh where can they be?)

Brashness often becomes you, (Mah culluhs are brash and bashful.)

and you’re not interested in those who think you’re too much anyway. (Was that a fat joke?)

But now’s a time to hold back just a little bit, and use some subtle charm. (Always after me suBtle charms…they’re manacled to fishes.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Police towed my car



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThirtySomething, December 15, 2011.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Max, who does not.

So it’s ten days till Christmas.  Or it’s nine days till Christmas Eve.  Or, to be technically correct,  it’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve. Eve was weak, and We can see your dirty pillows. (Goodness gracious, she ejaculated, it’s only the first paragraph, and already We’ve had Christopher Walken and Piper Laurie. What’s next, Jonathan Frid?  (We racked what passes for Our brain to come up with a third celebrity to put there, and the best We could do was Jonathan Frid. Because Charlie Sheen is overexposed, and Charlene Tilton would just be gratuitous at this point. (Meanwhile, how many of you counted the “Eve”s earlier in the paragraph to make sure We didn’t make a mistake?    You MIGHT want to tell Santa to bring you a life for Christmas.)))

Does anyone else have trouble remembering how many Ps there are in Ryan Phillippe, or is it just Us?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.

You are no doubt wondering where We have been.  Because naturally you spend your every waking moment preoccupied with Us and Our life.  Well, let’S see.   On Toozdee, We had an early morning eye appointment, which was, for those of you familiar with the geography of the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, at approximately 20th and Spring Garden.  We SEPTAd Our way there, sat through the entire boring affair (including almost an entire episode of The View in the waiting area…people actually WATCH this?!?), and then walked into town to do some Christmas shopping.  We then started walking the bus route back to Casa de Crackwhore, but no bus ever came, so essentially We walked from 20th and Spring Garden to OurHouseWhereWeLive.  How We remain the same size as OurHouseWhereWeLive, We’ll never know.

On Humpdee, Himself and his little friends The WaitStaff had to trek to the McMansionLand that is North Jersey to entertain at a corporate holiday party (which was held, for those who truly follow along, here: http://springlakegolfclub.net/ ) . Imagine fifty or sixty drunken Republicans with entirely too much money, to whom entertainers are clearly eighteenth-class citizens, and who have never seen a HO-ma-seck-shool up close before.  Yeah, that kind of show.  Add on that, with travel time included, the day went from 10AM to 7PM. Fortunately, a check is forthcoming.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, they continue to rehearse their dingles to the berry to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, and they hope to See You Next Tuesday, December 20th, at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club for The Real Housewives of South Philly Occupy Xmas.  Tickets can be obtained here:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897 and make an excellent early Christmas gift for those difficult-to-buy-for people on your Christmas list .

In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this.  If you haven’t already.  And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping.  And you drool.  And not in a cute way.


You could also share it with your friends.  It’s the least you could do.  No, really, the very least.  Considering all We do for you:


And now, Christopher Walken, Piper Laurie, Jonathan Frid, and Charlene Tilton in a remake of I Love Lucy.  Or the HorrorScope:

You need to indulge your competitive side today — even more so than usual — and that could mean that you’re eyed with suspicion by those nearby.  (Those nearby today will include Our dentist and the WaitStaff.  Is there a competition of which We are unaware?)

Things start to get weird later, (So things are perfectly normal now?  Good to know.)

 but for now, you’re all good.  (We hate that almost as much as We hate “it is what it is.”)

Things are really starting to simmer in your life — are you ready for the heat? (If you can’t stand the heat, regrout in your kitchen.  (What does that even MEAN?))

Because as what you want moves closer to you, it’s moving away from someone else.  (Wow.  That is so very Zen.  Snatch this pebble from my snatch, Glasshoppah.)

This person could make things a bit sticky for you for a little while, (Wait…are you saying that’s a BAD thing?)

but you don’t need to worry too much about that. (Sticky is GOOD.  Sticky is also a character in Our version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.)

It is much wiser to simply embrace all your newly found and richly deserved adventures.  (And We are nothing if not wise.)

Just concentrate on having a good time.  (Didn’t We already say “dentist”?  Pay attention.  Bee-yotch.)

If love makes the world go ‘round, you’re at the very hub of that wheel.  (Was that a fat joke?)

Keep it spinning wildly by acting on impulse, creating a hubbub or carrying out a daring feat in the realm of romance. (Hub, hubbub…see what she did there?  Neither do We.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Monday, December 12, 2011

Here We come to Waffle King among the leaves so green



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monthly, December 12, 2011.  Ever since We found out the other day that Christmas is coming, We’ve been all agog and atwitter. We are, for some reason, so far behind this year that We are actually Sofa King Behind. (We’ll pause here, in Our muumuu, to give Our slower Gentle Readers a chance to puzzle that one out…THERE ya go!)

Part of Our difficulty is, of course, that We are rehearsing Our dingles to the berry to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, a replica for the poster of which you can see above, following which We hope to See You Next Tuesday, December 20th, at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club.  Tickets can be obtained here:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897 and make an excellent early Christmas gift for those difficult-to-buy-for people on your Christmas list .

In between rehearsing and dingling Our berries, We found time this weekend to shoot the Capricorn installment of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope, which will, naturally, debut later this month.  This may be Our most artistically ambitious episode yet, featuring a hand-held segment, a documentary-style segment, and a reverse Easter egg.  Also, Our director’s answer to the question, “do you want the black handcuffs, or the shiny ones?”

In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this.  If you haven’t already.  And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping.  And you drool.  And not in a cute way.


You could also share it with your friends.  It’s the least you could do.  No, really, the very least.  Considering all We do for you:


And now, Charlene Tilton reads John Milton to the blind.  Or the HorrorScope:

You aren’t at your best today, (Then whose best are We at? (Did We just use a preposition to end a sentence with?  Usually We end Our sentences with PROPositions…We must not be at Our best today.))

so you should find a way to hunker down and get some rest.  (We were never hunk in the first place, so how could We possibly be hunker?)

(ESL = Engrish as a Second Ranguage.)

(DSL = Dick-Sucking Lips.)

It’s one of those days when you’re sure to find new ways to stumble (Mmm-hmm.  ‘Cause We’re clever like that.)

if you insist on pushing too hard.  (John Jacob Dingleberry Schmidt…his name is Our name too…)

(That song has been stuck in Our head since We first dingleberried all those paragraphs ago.  We thought it only fair to share.)

Today you won’t be able to get away with hiding behind someone else or escaping for some alone time.  (Honey, have you SEEN the size of Our ass lately?  We couldn’t hide behind the Green Bay Packers, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, AND the entire cast of The Biggest Loser.)

(POP! Goes the culture.)

(All around the mulberry bush, the dingle chased the berry…)

Even if you’re dying for some peace and quiet, (Or some queefs and piety.)

the day’s activities will force you to become involved with something new. (Yippee.)

You can’t easily ignore what is starting to develop between you and someone else, (Sorry…what?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but you can put off dealing with it. (At least until We’re sure it’s not just wishful thinking.)

When it comes to a potential new flirtation, procrastination is the perfect tactic — at least for now.  (So, wait…are you telling Us that procrastination WON’T be the perfect tactic LATER?  So, in other words, you’re telling Us not to put off procrastinating? (We are making a big fuss over this so you will remember, when you finally see  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN , that We told you it was already in the can at this point.  Much like Prince Albert.))

Your adventurous side may have a bit of a damper on it, (But Our backside has a Pampers™ on it.)

but there’s no need to force it. (Don’t fight the funk, and don’t force the farts.  May the Farts be with you.  And also with you.)

Feel free to cancel your plans with friends or reschedule that hot date.  (Yeah.  We’ll get right on that.)

Your intuition’s on, (We thought We smelled something burning.)

so don’t ignore it. (Sorry…what?)


 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.