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Monday, October 8, 2012

Don’t want no short people.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManTitzMonday, October 8, 2012. Happy birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today in Nawlins.  Also known as The Big Easy.  Nawlins, that is. Well…never mind.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of Our Canadian readers.  Every year, We say to Ourself that We’re going to invite people over for a traditional American Thanksgiving feast on Canadian Thanksgiving, and every year, Canadian Thanksgiving sneaks up on Us and We do nothing of the sort.  Much like Columbus Day.  So Happy Columbus Day to all of Our Colombian readers.

Columbus Day is kind of a big deal where We currently live.  Columbus having been, ya know, Eye-talian and all.  We Our Own Self Personally are not particularly into it. There is, for example, either a parade today, or there was a parade yesterday. One of those.  We know there will be no mail.  But We suspect no one will give Us presents, so why bother?

So do you have the day off today, Gentle Readers?  If so, We have the perfect while-away-the-hours website for you.  You will, of course, have seen any number of those porn and semi-porn sites where guys take pixtures of themselves in the mirror in various states of undress using their iPhones?  One of them being called, We’re fairly certain (don’t ask Us how We know)  ?  Well, the site in question PhotoShops out the iPhone and replaces it with McDonalds French fries.  Hysterical, right?  It’s called .

Clearly, We are starved for live entertainment here in Souf Fluffya.  But YouPeople don’t call, you don’t write…

Actually, but for circumstances beyond Our control, We would have spent the weekend in Greater Bostonia, making Our first live public appearance in years.  Alas, ‘t’was not to be.  Which makes for a very boring Shakespearean soliloquy, when you take out the “to be” part.  Sigh.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

So it’s Matt Damon’s birthday.  Also Sigourney Weaver’s.  And the kid from Two and a Half Men. We just saw his name, but We don’t remember it, and We can’t be arsed to go back and look.  We remember Jon Cryer’s name. And Ashton Kutcher’s and Charlie Sheen’s names.  We even remember Holland Taylor’s name, and Conchata Ferrell’s name, although We’re never exactly sure how to spell that last one.  Fuck you, kid from Two and a Half Men.

Your emotions are roiling (“Roiling”?  Da fuq?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us all to know dat “Da fuq?” be a sentence fragment.  Because Micro$oft Weird™ be all up in Our bidness like dat, yo.)

— so make sure that you’ve got the time and energy to take care of them.

(Okay, blah, blah, blah.  Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce.)

Things are sure to get better soon, (Did you not hear what We just said? Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce.)

but you’ve got to find an outlet for all those pent-up feelings.  (Think about the children!  (No, seriously…they have children.  Not, We assume, very large ones, but still.))

Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

if you start feeling more emotionally connected to the people around you — especially your family members. (They have been together for forty-two years.  FORTY-TWO YEARS.  Who DOES that?)

(Okay, screw this noise.  We’re gonna go get ready to jump out of Matt Damon’s birthday cake.  Here is the rest of the horoscope.  Which, you’ll notice, ends with “iron your favorite shirt”.  Yeah, like THAT could happen.)

The stars are sending you a strong compassionate energy that is going to connect you with the people who understand you best. This is a wonderful time for an old-fashioned family dinner where everyone shares good food and meaningful conversation. You are entering a very happy phase, and today will remind you how lucky you are. Enjoy it!  Consider this day as prep time for some really sweet stuff that’s about to come along. Talk to a friend about any difficult feelings, get your place tidied up in case of unexpected visitors and iron your favorite shirt.

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.