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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I’m bringing sexy back



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, January 31, 2012.  We are aware that not many of you will be reading this, as most of you will have the day off from work for the holiday.  The holiday being, of course, Justin Timberlake’s birthday.  Several hours of which must needs be given over to contemplation of Justin Timberlake’s birthday suit.  Sigh.

Changing topics, We find it incomprehensible that not ONE of you Perverted Little Fuckers…er, not ONE of you Gentle Readers so much as commented upon yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Cherchez Le Femme ChiChi LaRue Pepe LePew.  We’re not even going to refresh your memories.  (Or your mammaries, for that matter.)  Go look it up.

In related news, We know exactly which ones of you know who ChiChi LaRue is.  And yes, you SHOULD be embarrassed. (If there is anyone reading this who doesn’t know who Pepe LePew is, We don’t want to hear about it.)

As We mentioned yesterday, We were shooting Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Pisces e-pissode. How any of you will be able to stand the anticipation of the treat in for which you are is completely beyond Us.  We may just have to tease you about it every day until the video drops.  Did We mention Our Very Special Guest Star?  Did We mention there was cake?

Here’s the HorrorScope.  (Note the absence of any reference whatsoever to Miss Charlene Tilton.):

(Ooops.)

(Before We begin, Kelli would like Us to know that, in addition to being Mister Timberlake’s birthday, it is also the birthday of Portia de Rossi.  You know, We are fairly certain that if a child starts its life with a name like “Portia de Rossi”, that child is pretty much destined to be famous.  You don’t hear people saying things like, “Oh, that’s my cleaning lady, Portia de Rossi” or “I’d like you to meet my proctologist, Portia de Rossi”, do you?)

Find your patience and make the most of it — because you’re off to a slow start today!  (Patience?  Have you met Us?  We are an Aries.  Patience is for pussies.  Or Pisces.  One of those.)

That can work to your advantage as long as you can find new ways to keep your boredom from spreading.  (Also, to keep Our buttocks from spreading.  And, to keep Our boredom from spreading to Our buttocks. Or, if Our boredom must spread to Our buttocks, to at least keep it spreading evenly. Because We’re not exactly sure how We would deal with having one buttock more bored than the other.)

(What the hell just happened?)

In your quest to have everyone like you right now, (Wait a minute…are you saying everyone doesn’t like Us already?)

you could be very influenced by people who might not have your best interests at heart. (Damn those people!  And their torpedoes!)

It is time for you to get comfortable with the fact that you cannot be everyone’s friend.  (Nor can you be everyone’s cleaning lady. Or everyone’s proctologist.  Especially if your name is Portia de Rossi.)

(Doctor Timberlake, on the other hand, is cordially invited to look up Our ass and tell Us if Our hat’s on straight.)

(That was a little joke.  We’re not actually wearing a hat.)

No one likes everyone they meet, and no one can be liked by everyone — not even someone as agreeable, charming and generous as you!  (Flattery will get you silverware.  (What does that even MEAN???))

It’s more important to follow your heart (Indeed.  Because following Uranus would make you walk funny.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

and do what you think is the right thing to do than follow the fashions of the day.  (If you’ve got a passion for fashion….and you’ve got a craving for saving…)

(Ooops…is that jingle stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

From the morning through sometime this afternoon, you’re all that and more. (Could We be all that and a bag of chips?  Because mmmm, chips.)

Why hint around when you make asking outright look so darn good? (Fine:  Justin Timberlake…let’s go over to Johnny Depp’s house and play doctor.)

Tonight, though, less is more (People always say that.  It isn’t true.  Less is, by definition, less.  Ya know what’s more?  More.)

— say it with a smile. (Alternatively, say it with a Waring™ blender and a lemur in a scuba suit.  They might not like what you say, but they’ll never forget you saying it.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Monday, January 30, 2012

It was fascination, I know




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManicDepressive Monday, January 30, 2012.  We shall just be e-pistling a short e-pissode this morning, as We have A Very E-xciting Day ahead.  Not only are We shooting the Pisces e-pissode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope, We are shooting with A Very Special Guest Star.  We see you shiver with e-nticipation.  But no, We’re not telling!  You’ll just have to wait.  With bated breath.  And baited hookers.

We know We’ve been through the “bated breath” thing before, so there’s no need to go through it again.  And, briLLLLiant though it is, We have no time to further develop the running e-word gag. So:

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:


(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)


And:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

(We just found out that it’s Christian Bale’s birthday.  Which inspires Us not a whit, a jot, or an iota.  Sigh.)

Try to arrange a meeting today (We already told you:  Shooting.  Very Special Guest Star.  Capricornian Cameraman.  Brilliance and hilarity will ensue. (Who the hell is Sue?))

— your skills are at their peak, (But where are Our pills?)

and you may find that people are more willing to listen to your side.  (Well, good.  Because if they don’t wanna listen to Our side, We’re gonna play ‘em a song on Our ass, and nobody wants THAT.)

Even those who can’t quite understand you are sympathetic.  (Morons.)

 Your ardent curiosity does more than just satisfy your mind — it often inspires others, too. (Eve Arden’s curiosity, on the other hand, inspires no one.  Because she’s dead.)

Share your passion for a certain band, movie, fashion designer, food, magazine or novel with someone else today.  (Way to narrow it down, bee-yotch.)

Preferably, choose someone you’d like to show an intimate side of yourself to. (Yeah.  Because nothing says “intimacy” like telling somebody what magazines you like to read.)

Give them this glimpse into what fires your imagination, (Wait…Our imagination has been fired?  That certainly explains a great deal.)

and you will give them a good idea of the kind of intellectual heat you offer. (Is it the kind that could make toast?  Because, mmmmm, toast.)

In all probability, they will offer to share something with you.  (Of course they will.  People are always sharing with Us.  Share, share, share.  It’s like a fucking horn of plenty around here, with all the damn sharing.)

You make the unreasonable seem like a good idea and, (That’s Us:  Making The Unreasonable Seem Like A Good Idea.  Since 2001.)

on you, whimsy and impulsiveness come off as charming. (Unfortunately, Our whimsy is at the cleaners, and Our impulsiveness doesn’t quite fit right any more.  So good luck with that charming bit.)

 Most people have to work at recapturing playfulness, but you naturally know how to have fun. (Which  is why We have so much of it.  Mixed in with all the sharing.  Lucky, lucky Us.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Friday, January 27, 2012

I heard it through the GrapeNuts™



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridayBroughtToYouByFritoLay™, January 27, 2012.  This is Our eighth consecutive day producing an e-pisode of Erix Daily Horoscope; We don’t usually do so many at a stretch without a Day Of Rest. (How many people read that as “EEE-piss-ode”, and then wondered what the hell is a “pissode”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)  If you cast your mind all the way back to last Friday, you will recall an appearance by Morgan  Freeman saying, “titty sprinkles”.  It was pretty much all downhill from there.

We just now noticed that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think “titty” is a word.   Sorry, str8 boi readers.

So we had absolutely nothing to share, and then OurMizDonna came to the rescue with the following instructional video about wrapping presents, which We feel compelled to share with you.  Those of you who know OurMizMarilyn could no doubt viZZZualize her playing Aunt Chippy:


Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:


(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)


Speaking of meaningless statistics, We just noticed that, prior to today, We have so far mentioned Charlene Tilton in THIRTY-EIGHT e-pisodes of  this e-pistle.  And does she call?  Does she write/  Does she send an autographed eight-by-ten glossy of herself in her Dallas days, pulling down Christopher Atkins’s Speedo™?  No, she does not!  Why, the only person We’ve cited more than Ms. Tilton is Johnny Depp (65 e-pisodes), and We hear through the grapevine that he has ditched the bitch and is preparing to make the switch.  (How the hell do you hear anything through a grapevine?  Who makes up these stupid sayings, anyway.  (For those of you who enjoy imagining the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope, immediately after typing the preceding, We went to the top and put in today’s subject line lyric, changing “grapevine” to “GrapeNuts™”.  Which then made Us think, “Grapes don’t have nuts.  What the hell are grape nuts?” Just a little glimpse into how fascinating it is to be Us.))

Here’s the HorrorScope:

This is a terrible time to take on new projects (Thank you, Debbie Downer.)

— unless they are emergencies. (There’s a special room for those, no?)

Even then, try to take care of them as quickly as you can, letting yourself get back to routines as soon as possible.  (Wait…more than one routine?  Now We’re confused.)

Are you growing so impatient with someone (YES!!!)

that you’re just about to give them a piece of your mind? (Oh, no, ya don’t!  You’re not going to trick Us into giving away pieces of Our mind again.  The last time We did that, We wound up with practically no pieces left.)

Take a deep breath and stop yourself. (Hipsters Likes Us (hi, Chris!) would prefer to express that as “check yourself before you wreck yourself”.  KThxBye.)

You’ll have to watch out for frustration right now — it could make you say things in the heat of the moment that you will really regret later. (Also, you should probably avoid defenestration as well. (We shall pause here (politely) to give those of you who are unfamiliar with defenestration to go look it up.  But don’t think We’re gonna wait around while you use it three times in a sentence.  That word is OURS.))

When your temper flares, there is no going back. (And you should see what happens when Our temper bellbottoms.)

Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a fag.)

this person is completely unaware that you are upset right now, so it is up to you to let them know. (Yes, We are very shy about sharing Our feelings.)

Be clear and polite, and tell them what you need.  (Winning.  PowerBall™. Ticket.)

Dreams hold secrets to how we really feel about someone special.  (If Our dreams get any more horrifying, We may never sleep again.)

Pay attention (Sorry…what?)

(How many times are you gonna set Us up for that joke?  Asshat.)

to plot lines, symbols and your mood during the dream. (Zzzzzzzzzzz…)

Write it down ASAP and analyze it with help from a dream dictionary. (Or possibly a nightmare thesaurus.  (What’s another word for synonym?))


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Thursday, January 26, 2012

No day but today




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThirdsDay, January 26, 2012.  Happy birthday to Petr, who turns twenty-four today.  In Sandy Eggo™. (Is anyone besides Us now experiencing the sensation of sand on their teeth?  Even though there isn’t actually any sand on their teeth?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then. (At least that has saved Us from another dissertation on geography.  There is only so much tedium one soothsayer can spew. (How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him Joanne?)))

Speaking of Joanne, We will hereby make Our first mention of the WaitStaff’s next public display of affectation, which will be on Tuesday, March 13 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club in a show entitled The Real Housewives of South Philly Sell Seashells by the Seashore.  (Okay, it may not actually be called that. We may have been out of the room at last night’s meeting when the name was decided upon.  We’re pretty sure, however, that they voted against naming it “Throckmorton-Smythe”.  We’ll have to get back to you with actual details.)

Meanwhile, Our trusty WorldWideInterWebNetz inform Us that today is the sixteenth anniversary of the first performance of Rent. Also, it is Ellen DeGeneres’s birthday.  What those two things have to do with each other, We haven’t got any idea.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:


(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)


Lest Charlene Tilton think We’ve forgotten about her, here is Our gratuitous Charlene Tilton reference.  And here’s the HorrorScope:

You’ve got a serious problem to deal with today (Once again, The Heartbreak Of Psoriasis rears its ugly head.)

— so make sure that you’re focused on it like a laser! (We only focus when We’re paid for it, honey.  Hence that Connecticut debacle the other day.)

Distractions may come, (Sorry…what did you say?)

(Heh. SWWDT?)

but you don’t have to let them in. (If We don’t let them in, they are not distractions.  Words have meanings.  Asshat.)

In fact, let someone else guard your door!  (That’s a euphemism, right? (You’re viZZZualizing Our “door” now, aren’t you?  You nasty, nasty naked skimmer, you.))

Exploration is fine for some today, (And exploitation works for others.  Also, expectoration will do in a pinch.  But avoid exhortation.  And whatever you do, don’t even think of spelunking.)

(Of course, now that We’ve told you not to think of spelunking, it will be damn near impossible for you to think of anything else.  Like, for example, if We told you not to think of lemurs knocking at Our “door”, what’s the first thing you’d think of?  ExACTly.  (Pervert.))

but you aren’t going to be in the best frame of mind to go off discovering new hot spots, meeting new people or uncovering new rock bands. (“Uncovering” new rock bands makes it sound as though rock bands would be found under rocks.  Which is foolish.)

(Someone’s knocking at the door, someone’s ringing the bell…)

No today, (You missed a comma (comma (comma (comma (comma, chameleon.)))))

it will be all about the known, the familiar and the comfortable. (To say nothing of the Bold and the Beautiful, and the Young and the Rest Of Us.)

So don’t do anything new if you don’t feel like it…and you most probably will not. (Well.  There’s an ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation) that kinda makes you wanna go right back to bed.)

Friends might pressure you here or there, (Oh.  We thought that was the lemur at the “door”.)

but for the most part people will be happy knowing that you are happy.  (Yeah.  That’s what they live for.)

Cupid’s got some funny stuff up his sleeve, (If you think THAT stuff is funny, take a gander under his diaper.  Talk about your Cupid stunts.)

so expect some curveballs, (Well, balls, anyway.)

pratfalls (Caution: falling prats.)

and/or romantic dead ends. (Open the door to your mystery date…(Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age sang the preceding sentence in their heads.  The rest of you perverts pictured a lemur with a bouquet of flowers.))

What’s key is to be ready to dust yourself off, laugh it off and keep having fun regardless. (KEEP having fun?  When did We start having fun in the first place?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

They do the Monster Mash




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WentSailingWhichIsTotallyDifferentThanWentWassailing, January 25, 2012.  Happy birthday to Earl, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in HumpHumpLand. We trust you are Humping Away in your Humpity Way while seeing the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet.  (Does anyone feel another children’s book coming on?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then. (Meanwhile, how peculiar a word is “Chevrolet”?  (Robert Goulet, Simone Signoret, Nanette Fabray.  (Have We actually had Nanette Fabray in the horoscope two days running?  Pretty amazing.  Especially the running, what with her being dead and all.))))

It’s like We’re losing Our minds….

We have, as you can see, absolutely nothing this morning.  Of course, the day after Ernest Borgnine’s birthday is always a let-down.  And Christmas was one month ago today.  Which means only 334 more shopping days till Christmas 2012.  We can’t wait to see what you’re buying Us this year…We trust you will be keeping the “Oh, Christ!” in Christmas.  (And the O’Christ in Saint Patrick’s Day, but that’s a whore in another cupboard.  (What does that expression even MEAN?))

Our complete lack of focus may be explained by the fact that We were at a focus group last night.  On the subject of vacation travel.  To, for the love of O’Christ, Connecticut.  Who the fuck DOES that?  We did Our level best to impress upon these people that, while We could certainly point in the direction in which Connecticut would be found (if We were (subjunctively) looking for it, which We are NOT), there is absolutely nothing that distinguishes it from Vermont, Rhode Island, or New Hampshire, except perhaps its utility as a suburb of New York, which only serves to confuse it with North Jersey.  In fact, of however many states there are in New England (didn’t We just sort out this “New” business the other day?), We can only manage to identify Massachusetts (that being where they keep Greater Bostonia) and Maine (that being the only US state that is also a Canadian province).

All that notwithstanding, We did in fact collect Our check.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:


(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)


Heeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

If your ambitions aren’t clear this morning, they will be by tonight. (Oh, great.  So now We’re gonna be in one of those teenage vampire movies.  Playing, no doubt, the vampire’s grandmother.  With an orthopedic cape and Our fangs in a glass by Our bed.  Sigh.)

You need to focus (Please don’t say “focus”…it makes Us think of Connecticut.  And who needs to do that?)

on your deepest desires and see what you can do to bring them closer to life. (Contrary to popular belief, We actually are always out there pitching.  (To use one of those sports metaphors of which We are so fond.)  Apparently, however, We have very complicated desires.  With streetcars named after them.)

It’s easier than you think!  (So are We!  But nobody ever lets Us prove it.)

Is your ambition exerting too much control over your life? (Didn’t you just tell Us that would all be clear by tonight?  Like, seriously, three sentences ago?  If YOU’RE not listening to yourself talk, why should We?)

Nope!  (Does anyone actually say “Nope!” in real life?)

That’s simply not possible, today. (Then apparently it is one of six things We shall have to do before breakfast.  (That was the second brilliant litter-hairy allusion so far.  Try to keep up…there will be a quiz.))

In fact, you have got to get on that career ladder and climb more aggressively. (In THESE shoes?!?)

Moving yourself upward should be your top priority right now — mostly because all the conditions are perfect for you to succeed! (Well, it’s a good thing We’re not trying to fail, then, innit?)

By the end of the day, you will be very happy about where you’ve ended up. (Bed?)

The symbols expressed in your dreams are truly significant when it comes to your dating life. (If you’d seen any of Our dreams lately, you’d be very, very afraid.)

Tap into the subconscious — it holds answers to your waking hours. (We’re a geriatric vampire.  We drink blood out of varicose veins.)

(It’s a pity Halloween’s so far off, innit?)

Don’t laugh it off: those weird dreams are telling you something. (We don’t even dare contemplate.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Oh, We wish We were (subjunctively) an Oscar Meyer™ wiener



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TootsiePop, January 24, 2012.  Probably not many of you are up and reading this today, as you probably have the day off from work.  It being Ernest Borgnine’s ninety-fifth birthday, and all. We Our Own Self Personally will be whipping (ooooh!) through today’s e-pistle at breakneck speed so We can get a cake into the oven.  (Which sounds for all the world like a euphemism, but isn’t. (Meretricious prevarication, yes; euphemism, no.))  One can only imagine the preparations underway at Charlene Tilton’s house…

Naturally, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To know (no, really; Who wants to know?), We just felt compelled to Six-Degrees-Of-Kevin-Bacon Mister Borgnine and Ms. Tilton.  Turns out, they each have a Bacon number of TWO.  (You have a Bacon Number of TWO if you’ve been in a movie with someone who’s been in a movie with Kevin Bacon.  (You have a Bacon Number of ONE if you’ve been in a movie with Kevin Bacon your own self. (You have a Bacon Number of ZERO if you actually ARE Kevin Bacon.  Most people do not have Bacon Numbers of ZERO.)))

They also each have a reference number of TWO with regard to each other; that is, they have been in a movie with someone who has been in a movie with the other one, but have never been in the same movie together. (Many of you are no doubt mentally reviewing Ms. Tilton’s oeuvre, attempting to imagine her in a movie with ANYONE.  Apparently, you have never seen Problem Child 2.)

(All statistics in the preceding courtesy of http://oracleofbacon.org/.)

So, aspiring Hollywood screenwriters, the clock is ticking (SERIOUSLY ticking, in Mister Borgnine’s case)…this year’s Oscar™ nominees having just been announced, let’s see who can get a cinematic project  to the big screen in time for next year’s awards, starring Ernest Borgnine and Charlene Tilton.  With Adam Sandler as The Beaver.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:


(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)


Meanwhile, We’ve got to be e-pistling along…Ernest Borgnine’s cake isn’t going to bake itself.  (That sounded like a euphemism too.  We think We’re gonna be sick.)  Heeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

Your goals are lofty — but that doesn’t mean they’re out of reach!  (Well, they are if they’re in the loft.  Because We don’t have a loft.  Duh.)

If anything, you may find yourself quite a bit closer to them by the end of the day, if your mental energy has any say!  (Yay, hooray!  Nanette Fabray!  (Kelli is apparently a poet, but she is unaware of it.))

It always pays to plan ahead — an upcoming journey or event will be much more enjoyable if you take a little bit of time to make sure you know where you’re going, how you’re going to get there, and what you’ll do once you arrive. (Party pooper.  (Where does that expression come from, anyway?  Do people actually go to parties and poop?  Did that used to be a thing, like back before wife-swapping and beer pong? (The WorldWideInterWebNetz are not helping Us sort this conundrum, although they have informed Us that the first recorded use of the phrase was in 1954.  It was the Eisenhower administration, college students were swallowing goldfish and cramming themselves into phone booths…One can well imagine that taking a poop in the middle of a party was all the rage.)))

 It will be fun figuring out the logistics of this outing, and after a few minutes online you’ll discover a neat option that you had never considered before. (Did she say “neat”?  What’s next, “keen”?  “Swell”?  “Ginchy”?)

If you are traveling with someone else, contact them as soon as you can to share your findings.  (If We were (subjunctively) travelling with someone else, wouldn’t they be right with Us?  What the fuck are you talking abou, Kelli?)

 It’s easy to forget what a unique individual you are. (We are unique, just like everybody else.)

Life tends to pound you into nameless, faceless submission, but it’s time to exert your freedom and independence. (That’s it…We’re gonna go poop in the middle of a party.)

Do at least one thing that defines your personality.  (Hmmm…perhaps We shall poop Our name in the snow.)

 If it’s a piece of flair, flaunt it proudly. (If it’s  a piece of poop, fling it poopily.)
 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.