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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, February 29, 2012.  Happy Hump Day.  And Happy Leap Day.  Remember to hump before you leap.  Or is it leap before you hump?  Sigh.  One suspects that this is going to be a very confusing day, what with all the humping and leaping.  Much like that Christmas carol…you know, twelve lords a-leaping, eleven ladies of the evening humping, ten crackheads piping, FIVE ONION RINGS, and a partridge in a pear tree.

We hate that song.

As you can see, We are completely devoid of humor in here this morning.  Good thing We have a sketch comedy rehearsal this evening.  We should be REALLY funny by then.  Speaking of which, amidst all the leaping and humping, it is time for Us to begin engaging in some Our-Own-hornblowing (if only…).  Do please get your tickets now for The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness!, playing one night only, Tuesday, March 13 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club:  https://www.seatengine.com/redesign/eventDetails.aspx?venueslug=helium-comedy-club&id=897

Thank you.

In a desperate effort to unearth some amusement, We went back to last Leap Day’s e-pissode.  February 29, 2008 was, of course, prior to Our debut in Bloggonia, and was, in fact, prior to Our (Our “Our” meaning Us, Starzina) taking over the writing of these e-pisstles from Himself.  Back then, these horoscopes were just an email that went out to fifty or sixty of Himself’s closest friends.  Now, of course, it is a virtual cottage industry. (Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be much demand for virtual cottages.)

Herewith is that e-pissode, wherein Himself doesn’t even so much as mention Leap Day (whereas We just used “herewith”, “wherein”, and “whereas” all in the same sentence.  Smell. Us.):

‘Cause I’m not beautiful like you, I’m beautiful like me.‏


Greetings, Eccentric Retailer Invalidates Coupons---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 29, 2008  (Uh-huh.  Friday.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  Actually, I’ll believe it when I am NOT awakened by an alarm tomorrow morning.  Of course, THIS morning I was awakened by an alarm, then, just as I was contemplating a position for my first snooze alarm….LEG CRAMP!  Jeebus!  My leg is STILL not right, and it’s over an hour and a half later. My advice to YouPeople: don’t get old.) :

(Of course, this being the six kabillion and eleventy-twelfth horoscope in this never-ending week, I have already shot my proverbial wad (heh) of The Funny some days ago.  So don’t expect too much…you’ll mostly just have to be content with visions of me not only waking up, but waking up screaming.   (What sick senses of humor YouPeople have…who let all y’all in here?))

Once again, you lead the way onward to the next step. (The “next step” would be that, in a month’s time, assuming my tired, battered old body lets me live that long, I shall be living in the MyNewHouse.  Which will, no doubt, immediately spontaneously combust, this being My Life and all, but still.)

You might be pushing the envelope at work (Alternatively, I might be pushing water uphill.  Because, ya know, it’s WORK, and all. (Note to Self:  Buy PowerBall™ ticket.))
 or getting your family to agree to a more involved vacation than usual, (Amended Note to Self:  Buy WINNING PowerBall™ ticket.  No WONDER this hasn’t been working out.)
but you should make it happen with ease.  (And grease…make it happen with grease.  Because grease is, ya know, the word.)

Tell your inner critic to be extra kind when you are dealing with evaluating other people today. (Kiss me quick….I’m Simon Cowell.  (Where the h3ll did THAT come from?  (My wad of The Funny….clearly long ago shot it is.  I hope I didn’t get any on ya.)))

It can be quite demanding sometimes, and having high expectations is not going to help you get important people on your side -- and you definitely need them to be on your side right now! (Riiiiight….because I’m sure they’re all just gonna LINE UP to help me move.  Because they are MOVERS, the important people.  And Shakers, but let’s not bring religion into this.  (Heh.  Apparently, I had one little squirt of The Funny left. (Ooops, did that go in your eye?)))

There are many more ways of doing things than you realize, (And here I was, being all experty in the many ways of doing NOTHING.)
so keep an open mind (My mind is fully dilated. The pains are only two minutes apart.  Aaaaand…here comes Athena out of my forehead.   Aaaaand…..here comes Afterbirthena out of my forehead.  (Apparently, my The Funny has the refractory period of a nineteen-year-old.  Who knew?))
 and listen to what people are saying. (I’m sorry….what?  (Heh.  See what I did there?  (Oh, what the h3ll do yOU care, MizDonna, off on vacation in Las Vegas. Sigh.  *I* need a vacation.  Why oh why didn’t I buy a beach house, instead of a regular house?))

It's time for you to let someone else teach you something for a change.  (Fu(k change….folding money, Bay-Bee!)

Something new -- big or small -- will breathe fresh life into your romantic pursuits. (See, not having just fallen off of the proverbial turnip truck (and what ANYBODY is gonna do with a truckload of turnips being totally beyond Us), We are well aware that “breathe fresh life into your romantic pursuits” is a euphemism for “blow up your inflatable s3x doll”.   Which, while it is lovely that Kelli is apparently telling Us that someone will come along to do that for Us, is not QUITE as lovely as if said someone came along to obviate the need for said inflatable s3x doll in the first place.  Sigh.)

Whether it's a new lip gloss or tie, or something a little grander (designer shoes, anyone?  (I would just like to point out, for the skimmers among you, that the first set of parentheses here, the ones that enclosed the phrase “designer shoes, anyone?” were Kelli’s not mine.  Because, really.  “Designer shoes, anyone?”  The h3ll?)),
 it'll give you a new lease on love.   (Lease?  Lease is not the word.  Grease…grease is the word.  Try to pay attention.)

(And now for something completely different…here are YOUR horoscopes.  Happy weekend.  Assuming it really IS one.)

And now, We’re back in 2012. And, as a courtesy to Our 2016 self, We are now going to include yesterday’s explanation of Leap Year here, as this is the first place We will no doubt look next Leap Year when We are desperately casting about for material: 


How We Got Our Current Calendar

Once upon a time, the world was run according to the Julian calendar, which was based, as most things were back in the day, on Julie Newmar’s menstrual cycle.  Unfortunately for people in those unenlightened times, Julie Newmar’s menstrual cycle was not exactly the poster child for regularity (said poster child being, of course, Fatty Arbuckle’s bowel movements), so it would sometimes be Thursday for several weeks running, and once, October was skipped altogether.  (This historic period (heh) was later documented in the film To Wong Foo, Thanks For Nothing, Julie Newmar. ) Finally, after a particularly grueling three-week-long Monday that showed no signs of abating (and involved a notably bizarre asymmetric water-weight gain), Gregory Peck got fed up and invented the Gregorian calendar (and Gregorian chanting, but that’s a story for another e-pissode), in which units of time were correlated to the length of (you guessed it) his pecker (perverts), which conveniently never varied, Gregory Peck having been the only man in recorded history whose penis was the exact same size both erect and flaccid, and who, therefore, lent his name to its nickname, “pecker”.  Julie Newmar, who by this time was appearing on the TV series Batman, but who had long since ceased having a menstrual cycle (although she did once, under the influence of LSD, appear in a minstrel show), invoked a little known clause in her contract (and blackmailed Cesar Romero and Frank Gorshin with some rather licentious photos involving Burt Ward’s (you guessed it) pecker) to force the Screen Actors’ Guild to invent Leap Year.

And that, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, is How We Got Our Current Calendar.  You’re welcome.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  Speaking of birthdaqys, only one more shopping day till Justin Bieber’s 18th birthday.  Would it be rude to play Pin-the-Dick-on-the-Bieber at his birthday party?

                 

And now, Charlene Tilton leaps and humps simultaneously.  Because she’s professional like that. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

You’ve got to be as direct as possible with colleagues and friends today — (Okay, you stupid twat.)

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

 though a little tact wouldn’t hurt! (NOW she tells Us!)

 

Try to make sure that you’re not just telling everyone what to do this time.  (1. Leap. 2. Hump. 3. Repeat.)

 

A confusing yet charming person will come into your life today, (Some people get Prince Charming; We get Prince Confusing.  Our whirled, and welcome to wit.)

 

and they will have lots of sweet talk for you. (You sweet talker, Danny Blocker. (If you realized who Dan Blocker was after only thinking about it for a moment, it’s time for your Geritol™.  If you didn’t even have to think about it, it’s too late for your Geritol™.  (Do they even still MAKE Geritol™? (Yes…whew!  We’d hate to be irrelevant.))))

 

 

However, their flattery could cause you to ask questions instead of blush.  (Flattery will get you silverware.  (What does that even mean?))

 

This is a good sign (As is “Slippery when wet”.  It’s useful for so many occasions.)

 

— it means they can offer you more than just an ego boost. (Why doesn’t somebody invent an ego booster seat?  Seriously.  Phone books are SO last century.)

 

The two of you have something rare in common.  (Opposable thumbs?)

 

Attracting ‘em probably isn’t the issue now — it’s determining whether they’re attractive to you. (Yeah.  ‘Cause We always have so many competing for Our attention to choose from.)

 

 Of course, there’s the initial physical angle, (How acute.)

 

but investigate their heart and mind prior to getting too carried away. (Like We always say, the way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage, with a chainsaw.)

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.




Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I love you a bushel and a peck



(We just dropped back in to edit this, because, upon publishing it, it was the first We had seen the pixture of Ms. Newmar and Mr. Ward juxtaposed with the pixture of Us Our Own Self with Master Bieber, and We were struck by the parallels (which is better, presumably, than being struck by the parallel bars.)

(That is all.  Carry on.)
Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDaySoothSayersThayingTheSooth, February 28, 2012.  Were it not (subjunctively) Leap Year, We would be able, upon completion of today’s festivities, to stick a Feckin’ Fork in February and proclaim it Finished.  What sadist was it who, upon figgering that an extra day was needed every four years to keep Uranus out of the whorehouse, decided to put said day at the end of the most horrifying month of the year?  (February edges out the equally dreadful January as the most horrifying month of the year because February has VD in the middle, whereas January has Martin Luther King Day, so at least there are presents.)

(Note to Self:  Neologism (heh…We said “gism”) of the Day: “whoreifying”.)

Actually, that question (“what sadist was it…?”…try to keep up) was rhetorical, as We are about to out-wiki Wikipedia by telling all y’all…

How We Got Our Current Calendar

(But first, may We just say, kudos to Micro$oft Weird™ for recognizing “out-wiki” as a word.)

Once upon a time, the world was run according to the Julian calendar, which was based, as most things were back in the day, on Julie Newmar’s menstrual cycle.  Unfortunately for people in those unenlightened times, Julie Newmar’s menstrual cycle was not exactly the poster child for regularity (said poster child being, of course, Fatty Arbuckle’s bowel movements), so it would sometimes be Thursday for several weeks running, and once, October was skipped altogether.  (This historic period (heh) was later documented in the film To Wong Foo, Thanks For Nothing, Julie Newmar. ) Finally, after a particularly grueling three-week-long Monday that showed no signs of abating (and involved a notably bizarre asymmetric water-weight gain), Gregory Peck got fed up and invented the Gregorian calendar (and Gregorian chanting, but that’s a story for another e-pissode), in which units of time were correlated to the length of (you guessed it) his pecker (perverts), which conveniently never varied, Gregory Peck having been the only man in recorded history whose penis was the exact same size both erect and flaccid, and who, therefore, lent his name to its nickname, “pecker”.  Julie Newmar, who by this time was appearing on the TV series Batman, but who had long since ceased having a menstrual cycle (although she did once, under the influence of LSD, appear in a minstrel show), invoked a little known clause in her contract (and blackmailed Cesar Romero and Frank Gorshin with some rather licentious photos involving Burt Ward’s (you guessed it) pecker) to force the Screen Actors’ Guild to invent Leap Year.

And that, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, is How We Got Our Current Calendar.  You’re welcome.

(Hey, it was a choice between that story, or a rousing game of Who Do We Hate On The WorldWideINterWebNetz Today?, and trust Us, that game could have taken all day.)


Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  Speaking of peckers, meanwhile, did We mention that Justin Bieber’s pecker appears in the video?

 

And now, Charlene Tilton is grateful that she didn’t appear anywhere in the preceding story.  (You pecker, you brought her.)

Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Your core values are shaken up a little bit today, (Well, as long as they’re not stirred.  (The name is Blonde.  James Blonde.))

 

 thanks to a confrontation with reality. (One of these days, We shall confront reality, and We shall WIN!)

 

See if you can get your people to help you make sense of it (Yo, people!  Hop to it! (Clearly, this is one of those moments when We wish We had ever learned to put Our fingers in Our mouth and whistle. Unfortunately, all We ever learned was to put Our fingers in OTHER people’s mouths and blow.))

 

(Our cunning linguistics…let Us show them to you.  (Our str8 boi readers love it when We say we are a cunning linguist…We have no idea why.  Perhaps We should take a poll. (Alternatively, We could take a pole.  (We could probably take two at once.  And We’re not busy this evening.))))

 

(At least one Irish boi reader is now blushing.  Is that a shillelagh in your pocket, or are you just happy We know how to spell it?)

 

— things should start to get better pretty quickly.  (Who are you trying to kid?  It’s obvious things are going from bad to perverse.)

 

(SUCH cunning linguistics, We’re practically speaking in tongues.  But We are a highly-trained professional…do not attempt this at home.)

 

 A message will come your way today (Will it be in a bottle?)

 

that creates more confusion in your life. (Meanwhile, Julie Newmar just started having periods again. Talk about confusion.)

 

In part, it’s because there will be no details included (Just a Maxi-Pad™ that could absorb Lake Superior.  (Note to Self:  Figger out “Lake Mother Superior” joke.))

 

— just cryptic words or images that are supposed to signify something to you, but don’t. (Isn’t THAT just the story of Our life?)

 

Before you ask what was intended, sit with this message for a while. (Alternatively, sit on Gregory’s pecker.)


If you concentrate on it long enough, and determine what episode from your past it reminds you of, (That would be The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break.)

 

(POP! Goes the culture!)

 

you will probably discover its meaning before the end of the day.  (A day without sunshine is like…night.)

 

 When you’re all fired up, it’s hard to tell whether there’s a real mutual spark. (That is not so much a mixed metaphor as a metaphor put in a Waring™ blender with the puree button on, then fed to an epileptic lemur with diarrhea who poops it into a tsunami.)

 

(We? Are a painter of word pixtures.  A veritable Grandma Moses of the keyboard.  (Shaddup.))

 

Toning it down allows you to assess a romantic situation more accurately.  (“Toning it down”?!?  Have you met Us?)

 

Chill out and see what happens.  (With Our luck, We shall poop water ice.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Monday, February 27, 2012

So kiss me goodbye…honey, I’m gonna make it out alive



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Just Another Matlock Monday, February 27, 2012.

Andy Griffith…dead or alive?  We have no idea. (Still alive and eighty-five.  We just Googled him on Wikipedia.  Because that’s the kind of full-service information hooker We are here at Erix Daily WhoreOScope.)

Like you care.

So, it has come to this.

We should warn you, We did not watch so much as thirty seconds of the Gay SuperBowl last night, so if you came here this morning expecting pithy commentary on Angelina’s anorexia or Animatronic Billy Crystal, you are about to be sorely disappointed.

Has anyone ever actually said “pithy” and not thought “pissy with a lisp”?

“Pissy Withalisp” was, of course, the original name for Butterfly McQueen’s character in Gone With The Wind. (We didn’t want you to be TOO disappointed about the absence of movie coverage this morning.)

So, it has come to this.

We have just taken a call wherein We learned that We shall go to Lindenwold, New Jersey later this week and earn a hundred dollars.  We are just like a cheap hooker.  (Without the sex.  But then, you knew that.  We’re pretty sure that, whenever you think of Us (if you think of Us at all), it’s without the sex.)

Speaking of you, and you not thinking of Us, We should like to point out that the ever-so-mild winter that We have been having does not ameliorate (how’s that for a five-dollar word?   Give Us five dollars, dammit!) Our Seasonal Affective Disorder one iota, one whit, or one jot (you all did just sing that to the tune of “One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer”, did you not?), Seasonal Affective Disorder being associated with the absence of light as opposed to the presence of revolting winter weather.  Naturally, We are aware that We are in the home stretch of this year’s SAD, but that doesn’t help much when We it occurs to Us, as it did this weekend, that…you know what, never mind.

So, it has come to this.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  We would blame that on the presence of The Bieber, except that the same is true of all of Our other TotMH videos.

Meanwhile, like a phoenix from the ashes of this cruel misuse comes this thought: what exactly would a movie script entitled Blame It On The Bieber  entail? (Our creative juices are now flowing; We hope We didn’t get any on ya.)

And now, Charlene Tilton sings “So It Has Come To This”.   Which is, of course, the sequel to the Peggy Lee classic, “Is That All There Is?”   And which, conversely, has absolutely nothing to do with “I Am Hennery The Eighth, I Am”.  (Hennery the eighth, I am, I am.  I got married to the widow next door; she’d been married seven times before.  And every one was a Hennery (Hennery!); there never was a Willy or a Sam (No Sam!) .  I’m her eighth old man, I’m Hennery.  Hennery the eighth I am, I am.  Hennery the eighth I am. (Second verse, same as the first… (Oh…is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Stick to whatever you’re doing today (Johnny Depp?)

 

— it’s important that you show that you can persevere even in the face of certain failure. (If the failure is certain, wouldn’t you wanna start persevering in the other direction?  Just sayin’.)

 

Someone is watching, (No.  No, they’re not.)

 

and they need to see persistence and optimism.  (Well, then, We’re afraid they’re going to be severely disappointed. )

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

 After a few weeks of turbulence, (No need for nervousness…it’s just a little turbulence.)

 

(Thank you, Kelli, for reminding Us of the Snakes on a Plane theme song (speaking of famous fillums), truly one of Our favorite songs of the past decade.  We shall be downloading it forthwith.)

 

one of your friendships has reached a lovely cruising altitude, lately. (Is it just Us, or does that sound vaguely dirty?  Care to clue Us in as to which of Our friends We’re about to be vaguely dirty with?)

 

You two are moving into a very nice phase. (Are you looking at Our moon?  ‘Cause We’re looking at Uranus.)

 

Having conversation is easy, and you’re communicating so well together that you can almost read each other’s minds. (You are beginning to frighten Us.)

 

Celebrate this situation together with a night out on the town, or a special dinner out. (Mmmm…dinner.)

 

You can go on a date with a friend — after all, isn’t a date just a time you schedule to spend exclusively with someone you like?  (How the hell would We know?  We haven’t been on one since the Clinton administration.)

 

So, it has come to this.

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Friday, February 24, 2012

Peach and pear and I love your hair ah



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEggs, February 24, 2012.  Happy birthday to someone who is turning twenty-four today, but whose birthday is none of your damn business, so don’t even think about it.  (On the other hand, if you are an attractive gentleman who is just jonesing to jump out of a cake, come onna Our house, our house, We’re gonna give you candy, and lick your frosting off.)

“Lick your frosting off” is, of course, a euphemism.  “Come Onna My House” is, of course, a Rosemary Clooney song.  We, of course, are old.  And just the slightest bit out of Our mind.

In other news, Our Google-O-Meter™, always a source of fascinating yet useless information, informs Us that this e-pissode of these e-pisstles:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html has now surpassed the Charlene Tilton e-pissode (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html ) in all-time hits, by a whopping (and, if you visit the first e-pissode, you will have a whole new appreciation for “whopping”) 864 to 477.  All of which would seem to indicate, at first blush, that there are a lot more chubby chasers out there than One would expect.  However, upon reflection (is it just Us, or are We doing a lot of that around here these days?), One realizes that that cannot be the case, or We would have a lot more dates than We do, being the euphemistically “full-figgered gal” that We are.

Life is just an enigma wrapped in a riddle shrouded in mystery with a side of ten-day-old cole slaw, innit?

Meanwhile, in other other news, We went to the Ack-A-Me yesterday (not that that is news…news would be if We DIDN’T go to the Ack-A-Me) and purchased one pound of boneless New York strip steak, a half-pound bunch of escarole, 2 liters of Diet Pepsi™, 2 packages of Vanity ™ napkins (dinner, not sanitary), and 7 boxes of L’Oreal™ hair color (We, of course, do not color Our hair, which is why you only ever see Us in a turban (well, that and the fact that a turban is like poor-woman’s Botox™).  Himself, on the other hand, dyes his three remaining hairs with reckless abandon) all for the low, low price of $10.90.  The end of Our receipt read “Today’s total savings: $80.91, for a total savings of 90%.” Now if We could just figger out how to get ‘em to GIVE Us that $80 on the way out the door…

We know how you all just LOVE Our Q-pon stories.  (Actually, it’s Friday, which, according to Our trusty Google-O-Meter™, is Our least-read day of the week.  We could say any damn thing in here, and no one would know.  Titty sprinkles.)

 But enough of this levity. Please go and watch Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces video, and like it, and share it with your friends.  Oh, not for Us; We already know you won’t do anything just because WE ask you to, but for Our costar, young Mister Bieber, who will soon be jumping out of a cake of his very own, and who will show you his penis at the drop of a turban.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4

And now, Charlene Tilton for Lady Clairol:  “Mix a double batch and get a snatch to match”.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Whatever pops up today is real and must be taken seriously — don’t delay!  (We do solemnly swear (goddamnit) that whatever pops up today, We shall “lick its frosting off” without delay, something something, Doctor Bombay.)

 

You may have to pull back a bit from a fun pet project in order to deal with this, but that’s totally okay, as far as you’re concerned.  (No pets here but the dustbunnies.)

 

 You owe a debt of gratitude to the people who have helped you in your life — all those teachers, relatives, friends, bosses, and other types of influential folks who challenged you and pushed you toward the right direction. (What’d’We, miss something?)

 

 The best way to repay that debt is to offer that same type of inspiration to the one or two people you know right now who could use encouragement — or a big kick in the pants, whichever you think would be more effective.  (We do so enjoy being an inspiration.  As long as We get to be an expiration on alternate days.)

 

(If anybody has any damn idea what the hell We’re talking about, couldja please jump out of your cake and tell Us?)

 

Tough love may be required.  (Really?  ‘Cause those leather costumes make Us giggle.)

 

A dream, a story or a symbol bears a message about your love life now. (The Impossible Dream?  Toy Story?  (“Symbol” has Us stymied…anybody?))

 

 Consciously cultivate your ability to see connections, interpret signs and understand your world as an interconnected whole. (We have been well aware that Our world is an interconnected hole for quite some time now, ThankYouVeryMuch.)



(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.