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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Chow down at Chick-Fil-A


Having made that Our subject line, right away We give you the video:



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SaturdaySaturdaySaturday  SaturdaySaturdaySaturday SaturdaySaturdaySaturdayNight’sAlright, June 30, 2012. (Are you singing that song in your head now?  Or, better yet, out loud?  You’re welcome.)  Happy birthday to The Lovely And Talented Willam, who is turning twenty-four today all the way out in Hollywood, California.  Swimming pools, movie stars. His pixture is today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Speak Frawnch To Me Tish Which Doesn’t Rhyme No Matter Which Way You Pronounce “Jus” But It’s Our Horoscope And We’ll Say What We Damn Well Please.

Willam, for those who like behind-the-scenes stories, is the one who gave Us the idea for the WaitStaff to play The Match Game : and playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should)http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

That was quite a segue, no?  Willam once made a public appearance on a Segway™.  (See what We did there?  It’s almost as though We segued all the way around in a circle.  A segue squaredance, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about YOU?))

So…another half a year down the crapper. (That thought just came to Us, with no associated data.  So We just put it out there to hang by itself, and now We’re moving on.  (However, We are NOT moving on UP.  To the East Side.  To a dee-luxe apartment in the sky-hi-hi.)

(We just put that in there in case you were tired of singing SaturdaySaturdaySaturday…)

In a fit of bad timing such as can only befall Us Our Own Self Personally,  We had just published yesterday’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope when We heard the news about the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes divorce.  It is, of course, old news by now, and all the good jokes have already been taken.  What you may NOT have heard, however, is that We Our Own Self Personally actually caused the split (inadvertently, of course) with Our recent re-publication of excerpts from Ms. Holmes’s diary here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/just-small-town-girl-livin-in-lonely.html  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.  (Especially if your dad happens to be Tom Cruise.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Kelli confused Us with a pixture of Pamela Anderson, whose birthday is actually tomorrow.  But a little WorldWideInterWebNetzian super-sleuthing revealed that Willam does Cher his birthday with Michael Phelps’s Speedo™.  So there’s that.

Your aggressive nature is usually quite helpful — but on a day like today, it’s all too easy to take things too far!  (Who you callin’ “aggressive”?  Bitch.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Try to rein it in and make sure that your people are all taken care of.  (Even if We HAD these people you keep alluding to, We’re fairly certain they wouldn’t let Us put reins on them.)

(Note to Self:  new reality show: This Old Horse.)


Today, you will get the chance to pick up on a conversation you started a few days ago with a very interesting person.  (So, wait…people are actually going to talk to Us now?)

If you were not comfortable how things were left, (Just wait till you see how things were right!)

you’ll get your golden opportunity to rectify their impression of you.  (Yeah.  That’s what We’ll do:  We’ll impress ‘em with Our rectum.  (Rectum?  We nearly KILLED ‘em!))

 But in your quest to set the record straight, (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

 don’t try too hard. (Is it just Us, or is this all getting dirtier and dirtier?)

Any whiff of desperation (You’re still thinking about Our rectum, aren’t you?)

could be picked up by this person, (Did THAT come out of US?)

and it won’t help your reputation. (PPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT….)

(We’re pretty sure We’ve never typed a fart noise in here before.  (Actually, We still haven’t.  because that?  Was a queef.))

You’ve got it all under control, so don’t worry. (Find the keys, and We’ll drive out.)

Just be genuine and be direct.  (If We could just figger out how to fake being genuine, We’d have it made.)

Today you may feel more introverted than usual.  (Would that be extra introverted?)

Instead of forcing yourself to be around people, (There is precious little “forcing” about it…We are a VERY round people.)

go home and get some rest. (There was gonna be a “house a rest” joke here, but it died in childbirth.)

Your body and mind could probably do with a break from your active social calendar.   (Yeah.  Whew.  With all this activity, how DO We keep Our toilet bowl clean between scrubbings?)

(Does anyone else remember that commercial?  Because the WorldWideInterWebNetz apparently don’t.  In fact, one of the only things that came up when We Googled the exact phrase  “toilet bowl clean between scrubbings” on Wikipedia was the last time We Our Own Self Personally used the prhase4, which see:    http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/04/we-got-married-in-fever-hotter-than.html  Sigh.)

Relax, rest and recharge.  (This assumes (thereby making an ass out of Us and Uma Thurman) that We have laxed, sted, and charged in the first place.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.




Friday, June 29, 2012

But you didn’t have to cut me off




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  FrightDay, June 29, 2012.  Let’s just stick a fork in this craptastic week, shall We?  How something that started on such a positive note could turn into such a shitstorm, We’ll never know.  That’ll teach Us to have anything go right in Our life.

In Our continued desperate effort to remain a more glass-half-full kind of gal, We will just point out that, at the dentist yesterday, We didn’t have any cavities.  Which was good, because the last thing We need is another hole in Our head.

We have absolutely nothing else to report, and, apparently, the less We say, the better.  Here is this, which happens in two weeks: The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should)http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

We went to collect Kelli’s horoscope, hoping that she would tell Us that it was someone amusing’s birthday today, to lift Our spirits or inspire Us to a joke.  We certainly didn’t expect Nicole Scherzinger.  Who the fuck is Nicole Scherzinger?  But then We did a search of Our own, and discovered that it is virtually no one’s birthday today.  Seriously…Gary Busey?  Nelson Eddy?  Slim Pickens?  Gopher from The Love Boat?  That’s not even worth opening a can of frosting for.  Sigh.

Okay, lest We totally make your day as crappy as Ours, We found some Totally Inappropriate Tweets (from Twitter, for you oldies) to share:

Maybe our streets would be cleaner if we gave blind people a broom instead of a cane.

Strangers get so mad when you get their husband’s gender wrong.

I wouldn’t even know what to do during a threesome.  Jazzhands, probably.

Every elevator should have the “2” button replaced with “congratulations, fatass”.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than a deaf person’s orgasm.

Does anyone have a hot glue gun I can borrow?  Or a regular glue gun with an awesome personality?

Every 30 minutes in America a woman is diagnosed with AIDS.  Why does she keep getting tested?

Just saw my parents having sex.  That’s the last time I go on THAT website.

You’re welcome.  (Meanwhile, Nicole Scherzinger has a really terrible weave. (That last bit wasn’t a tweet; We just went back to collect the horoscope.))

Something is up for renewal  (This is the horoscope now.  Just so We’re clear.)

-- and you should sign on! (Sign on, sign on, Harvest Moon…up in the sky…)

(What the hell was that?)

Whether it's a cable deal or a work contract, (Both of which sound equally exciting.  Except, ya know, NOT.)

you should find that extending what you've already got is a very good strategy.  (Was that a fat joke?  And, if so, shouldn’t the word be “fategy”?)

Speed will be an issue for you to contend with today.   (We once mixed Our Midol™ with speed…had Our period six times in one day.)

Some people will be going too slowly for you, some people will be going too quickly, and some people won’t be going at all!  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Goldilocks.)

(We just looked out to see if the mail was here yet.  (It wasn’t.  (Isn’t Our life fascinating?))  If anyone wants to come visit Us, there are about eleventy-twelve parking spaces on Our street right now.)

Instead of trying to rally the troops, (Which sounds like it would mostly just annoy them.  How would YOU feel about being “rallied”?)

slow people down or get them motivated, just focus on your own stuff.  (Stuff THIS.  Bitch.)

You’re not around to be other people’s cheerleader. (If you come over, We’ll show you Our pom-poms.)

They’ll catch up when they catch up — if they catch up.   (Unless, of course, they must tard.  (Every so often, naturally, they may onnaise instead.))

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Other people are not your responsibility, (No, they are the bane of Our existence.)

so don’t take that on.  (The only thing We are taking on is ballast.)

Your emotions are all over the place today. (We told you:  Midol™, speed…)

 Don’t let sudden mood swings sway you from getting to know someone new. (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!  WHORE!!!)

Instead of dumping all your feelings in plain sight, let this new flame do all the talking for the both of you.  (Here is that same sentence in WingDings:  Instead of dumping all your feelings in plain sight, let this new flame do all the talking for the both of you.  Notice how it makes just as much sense.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Thursday, June 28, 2012

That’s what makes you beautiful



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ThurzzzDay, June 28, 2012.  We trust you all had a good time celebrating Helen Keller’s birthday yesterday…QUIETLY.  It occurred to Us this morning that, if you wrote “Happy birthday, Helen” in frosting on the top of her cake, she could read that.  Because it would be raised, ya know, like Braille.  Of course, no one else would want any cake then.  Especially if she’d recently been reading the kitty litter.  But it would be okay, because how would she know that?

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid Sure. Plays. A. Mean. Pin. Ball.

In other news, the WorldWideInterWebNetz are all knickertwisted this morning because apparently, Diana Ross approved of President Obama’s health care plan.  Why anyone cares what some washed-up pop star thinks of the thing, We haven’t got any idea.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses (this “hence” part was parenthetical as well.  But if We keep saying “parenthetically”, We’ll never finish. (How do you know it’s an endless loop endless loop endless loop (she said, parenthetically))))        , “knickertwisted” is one of those words that looks fine in print (despite Micro$oft Weird™’s red-squiggly-line to the contrary), but might cause people to look at One askance if used in speech.  Just a little friendly advice from Erix Daily Horoscope.)

In still other news, if Our life were (subjunctively) a soap opera, it would be three days before Sweeps Month, and all the other characters would be fondling guns, knives, and blunt instruments, and saying, “I’ll kill her, I swear I will!” to the camera right before a commercial for feminine hygiene spray.  If Our life were (again, subjunctively (but then, you’d probably guessed that)) an Agatha Christie mystery, a thunderstorm would have just knocked out the power at Our isolated country mansion immediately after a dinner party with thirteen or so friends and relatives, none of whom like Us very much.  If Our life were…well, you get the idea.

You will have to bump Us off; We won’t drop dead just for your convenience.

(It occurs to Us that perhaps this was not the best thing to tell you all on a day on which We shall find Ourself in the dentist’s chair later.)

In still other news, The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should)http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, if you are plotting Our demise, you are going to have to wait until tomorrow, because We refuse to die on John Cusack’s birthday.

 You have to show someone close that you’ve got their best interests at heart.  (And you know what They say:  The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  With a chainsaw.)

 This could be as simple as hearing them out when they’re upset or as grand as throwing a surprise party.  (Is it just Us, or does the surprise party sound easier?)

(So do you think We should throw John Cusack a surprise party?  Who can get him here without making him suspect  anything?)

It’s never too late to start something new, (It is by definition too late once it gets old.  Duh.)

especially if you’re thinking of starting something new with someone you admire.  (We have just spent five whole minutes stymied by the word “admire”.  Such a peculiar, old-fashioned word it is.  Of course, it’s no “knickertwisted”, but still.)

The stars are shining brightly on any new projects that involve official documents, (We are not letting any of you anywhere NEAR Our Last Will And Testament, so fuhgeddaboudit.)

and it’s an excellent time to begin formal or legal partnerships.  (Heh.  Only a few of you will know why that’s funny.  And We are not going to bother to explain it.)

Any marriages, adoptions or business relationships that begin today will have endurance and stability.  (Well, in that case, on the way home from the dentist, We shall get married, adopt a child, and take over ColbyCo.)

Today ditch the ‘me me me’ mode and put others first instead.  (How about the I I I mode?  (Kiss Us quick, We are the Frito™ bandito.))

(Ai-yi-yi-yi, I’d rather get laid than be eaten…)

When selfishness is deterred (“Deterred”?  There’s ANOTHER odd word choice.  Kelli seems determined to make Us wind up knickertwisted.)

you can clearly see who needs your help ASAP.  (Oh, sure.  Like We’re going to help people who are trying to kill Us.)

Juggle your schedule around to make time for friends who could use some of your relationship advice.  (Yeah.  People are no doubt lined up around the block for OUR “relationship advice”.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.




Wednesday, June 27, 2012

You don’t know you’re beautiful




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WhenceDay, June 27, 2012.  Happy Hump Day.  Need We even continue?  We didn’t think so.

There is, apparently, some British boi band, consisting of five 18-year-olds, called One Erection.  (How you can have five healthy 18-year-old bois with only one erection between (amongst?) them is beyond Us, but it’s Britlandia, so who knows?)  Now, We Our Own Self Personally do not so much follow along with the bouncing balls of the pop music scene (that little word pixture was meant to be in keeping with the genitalia motif that seems to be developing here.  (We just know you’re SHOCKED.)), but We were directed to a YouTube video of One Erection live in concert by a blog We follow.

The quality of the video was not all that great, as it was apparently just taken using some fan’s phone.  Which, as near as We can tell, was a rotary phone.  Whose number was Butterfield-8.  Which still takes nickels.  Buffalo nickels.  (Erix Daily Horoscope is GREEN; We recycle Our jokes.  (Although the “buffalo nickel” part was new.)) However, We were able to clearly hear the little whippersnappers singing, “You don’t know you’re beautiful…that’s what makes you beautiful.”  Which seemed a rather mature sentiment for gentlemen who barely have to shave yet.

Of course, Britlandian boys are much more mature than American boys, because they go away to boarding school when they are twelve and have sex with each other until they turn twenty-one, while saying things like, “Pip! Pip! Sporting, what?” and wearing jodhpurs and bowler hats.  (Is anyone else now picturing Harry Potter having sex in a bowler hat?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

But that’s not Our point.  In fact, We seem to have strayed from Our point completely.  (How HAWTT did Daniel Radcliffe turn out, though?  Seriously!)   Our point is that, for some reason unbeknownst to Us, We actually recognized the song!  This gave Us pause, as We could not for the life of Us imagine how We had come across it.  Of course, in a total visit from your Auntie Climax, We eventually realized that they had done it on Glee.

Wow.  That was a really long story about nothing.  Good thing there were all those genitalia in there.

Speaking of genitalia, We and Our genitalia betook Ourselves to the Homo Depot yesterday.  (Is that sentence making anyone else think of the “Dick in a Box” song?  Sigh…Justin Timberlake.  (Boi bands and genitalia…it’s like a theme party in here today, folks!))  With absolutely no muss, fuss, or waiting, We were able to order Our hinges.  (We knew from the InterNetz that they wouldn’t have them in stock, but We wanted someone less unhinged than Our Own Self to look at the broken one to be sure We were ordering the right thing.  And since Daniel Radcliffe, Justin Timberlake, and the bois from One Erection were all unavailable, We had to go see a lesbian at the Homo Depot.)

Micro$oft Weird™ keeps “suggesting” that We might want to change “Homo Depot” to “Home Depot”.  Micro$oft Weird™ clearly hasn’t been to the Homo Depot lately.  Plus, if We were (subjunctively) going to change it to anything, We would change it to “Topo Gigio”, just to fuck with all y’all.

In still other news, The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should)http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh.  My.  Gawd.  It is HELEN KELLER’S BIRTHDAY!  (We said that in all caps, so she’d hear Us.)  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HK!!!  In honor of Helen’s special day, We present the remainder of the horoscope as she would experience it:






























































































































































BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!!!!!!

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.