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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Goosestep’s the new step



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tootz-Tootz-TootzDee Good Pie Rupee TootzDee, July 31, 2012.Our goodness!  March has time to come in like a linebacker and go out like a lambada instructor, but July just zips on out like shit through a goose.

(Parenthetically, (hence the parentheses) One has never really understood that analogy.  We are not particularly well-versed in Nature, but what is it about geese that presumably makes them shit faster than other creatures?  (Also, whatever happened to the lambada?))

Being An Inquiring Mind That Wants To Know, We just went and Googled the lambada on Wikipedia.  Here is an actual paragraph that We encountered, and felt compelled to Cher:

A new interpretation of the Lambada has become popular in dance clubs in the Mexico-US border region. This new form is somewhat controversial, due to its graphic sexual nature, often resulting in partial penetration, known as docking. Many times, during a dip, the dancers will end up locked in an embrace where their genitals resemble a hot dog rubbing in a taco shell. These new techniques have been highly controversial in the conservative Catholic communities of the border region.

“A hotdog rubbing in a taco shell.”  You heard it here first, boyzzz and gurrlllzzz.  And on that note, happy birthday to Randy, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.

This just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz:

A hyperbole totally ripped into the bar and literally obliterated everything!‏


“A hotdog rubbing in a taco shell.”  We seriously are going to need to mental floss.  What exactly are these dancers wearing…or NOT wearing? (We were about to start working up to a “relish” joke, but We decided it wasn’t worth the effort.  You’re welcome.)

Yo quiero Taco Bell™!!!

(Sorry.)


Here’s the HorrorScope:

So it’s Dean Cain’s birthday today.  Speaking of people who are cordially invited to come over and rub their hotdogs in Our taco shell.  Dean was, of course, Superman on the old Lois and Clark series.  He is currently a  lambada instructor in Brazil.  Where the nuts come from.  In his spare time, he gives enemas to geese.

Can We tie together some subplots, or what? (WHO said, “Or what”?)

If you haven’t tried a new restaurant or been out with someone new in a while, you are no doubt craving novelty by now. (Yo quiero Taco Bell™!!!)

(Omigod, We can’t stop!  It’s like a twenty-four hour gooseshit in here!)

Explore your options (Wait…We have options?)

and then find a way to make life more vibrant!  (We shall get a vibraphone!)

(Orange you glad We didn’t say “gooseshit”?)

A lot of information needs to be communicated in a very small amount of time today, (We are typing as fast as We can.  We LIVE to enlighten you people.  Besides, once this is done, We can go play Our new vibraphone.)

so you don’t have time to beat around the bush or be vague. (Is it just Us, or is “beat around the bush” just another way of saying “rub your hotdog in Our taco shell”?)

(That wasn’t too vague for you, wuzzit?)

Your new name is Frank (N. Furter?)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

— in that you need to be frank and open in everything you say and write today. (Yeah, okay, whatever.  It just occurred to Us that We have no idea what the hell is a vibraphone.  So We Googled up some images.  We guess We’re not exactly gonna be in the marching band.)

Vague hints dropped here and there are not going to get picked up. (They never do. Hence, Our hotdogless taco shell.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “hotdogless” is a word.  Not only is it a WORD, Bitch, it’s a fucking WAY OF LIFE.)

You need to be direct, clear and even in some cases shockingly straightforward in order to move anything forward at all. (Now We are imagining “rub your hotdog in Our taco shell” as a verse of the Hokey-Pokey.   Because, really, isn’t that what it’s all about?)

Issues need clarity, so bring it.  (And once it’s broughten?  Bring it again.)

Protect yourself from all those emotional barracudas out there in dating land. (Now THERE’S a word you don’t hear much anymore.  (Whaddaya mean, “barracuda”? We were talking about “dating”.))

They’re libel to say anything to jump in the sack with you.  (Yes, folks, she actually said “libel” instead of “liable”.  And yet, We don’t have her job.  Go figger.)

You’re in control; you dictate where this thing takes you. (And We?  Are A Great Dictator.  We have a Dictaphone.  It’s next to Our vibraphone.  Tomorrow, We’re buying a Sousaphone.)

(We have no idea what We’re talking about.)

Don’t cave in.  (That’s the way the taco shell crumbles.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    



Monday, July 30, 2012

He's the hairy, hairy gent, who ran amok in Kent




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMapQuestMonday, July 30, 2012.  Happy birthday to Brian, who turns twenty-four today, and who is about as likely to be reading this as We are likely to write the next sentence in Sanskrit.  ओउर मगिचाल् थिन्किन्ग, लेत उस शोव् इत तो यौ.  Shazam!

A local theater has put out a casting call.  They need one man for a production of Little Women.  Who wants to go with Us to opening night of THAT one-man show?

In other news, We are thinking that if you are looking at porn, and you are thinking, “That’s a really great comforter”, the porn may not be the best.

For fans of Breaking Bad: (there are NO SPOILERS HERE): last night’s show had a scene to which We shall refer as “the shut up scene”.  Once you have seen it, you will know to what scene We are referring.  We?  Feel like the character who said “shut up”.  All. The.  Time.

We just “liked” Prince Harry on SitOnOurFaceBook. We feel dirty.  Not as dirty, of course, as if We had (subjunctively) just “licked” Prince Harry on SitOnOurFaceBook, but still.  Dirty.  Then, of course, We had to go hunting about to see if We could also “like” Prince William on SitOnOurFaceBook.  Because We’re fair like that.  As of this writing, fifteen thousand more people “like” Prince Harry than “like” Prince William.  This won’t end well.

This just in from Ruth Buzzi on Twitter: “I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching my car into reverse and backing away from the scene of an accident.” (Yes, We DO follow Ruth Buzzi on Twitter.  If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, Our picture is there.)

We had a little time on Our hands over the weekend, so We set about inviting people to Make Fun Of Chik-Fil-A™ Day here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/501339676559826/ .  Do please join in if you haven’t already. Meanwhile, here are The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli And Friends, making fun of Chik-Fil-A™ professionally:


Meanwhile, remember when only The Kewl Kidz were on the InterNetz?  We actually had some conservative wingnut defriend Our assz on SitOnOurFaceBook after she got piled on for making some rude comment on the aforementioned event.  Lettuce imagine, for example, that We betook Our bleeding liberal heart to some Tea Party website, where they were discussing, say, their opposition to Obamacare.  Lettuce further imagine that, into said discussion, We introduced the comment, “Your views on Obamacare are very interesting, but Ayn Rand had a really bad haircut.”  Should We then be shocked, We tell you, SHOCKED when they pile on Us till We shut the hell up?  No, We should not, because We have violated just about every stricture of WorldWideInterWebNetzian etiquette. We have introduced irrelevance (Ayn Rand’s haircut), We have been patronizing (“Your views on Obamacare are very interesting”), and We have lied (“Your views on Obamacare are very interesting”), just to name three.

Did We mention that the conservative wingnut was Canadian?  Grow a pair.  Bitch.


Here’s the HorrorScope:

Wait, wait, wait…Lisa Kudrow, Hilary Swank, and Delta Burke were ALL born today?  And it’s not a national holiday because…?

This is not a good time to sit around waiting for things to happen (So you’re saying nothing is going to happen?)

— you have to stir them up! (Shaken, not stirred.  Get with the program.)

You may find that your energy is perfect for moving forward with all sorts of crazy new schemes.  (We’re just waiting for Ethel Mertz to show up.)

 You are getting busier and busier, (Which is better than bustier and bustier.)

and there simply won’t be time to do everything you need to do right now.   (So We’ll just give up now, then.)

You need to sort things out and prioritize. (Maybe it’s just Us, but if there’s not going to be time for everything, that last bit sounds like the first thing to go.)

Take stock of your activities in order to figure out what responsibilities you can toss. (We already said…prioritization is the first thing to go.  Right after sorting things out.  And taking stock.  Taking stock is high on the list as well.)

(See what We did there?)

First, figure out how much time you spend thinking about what you are going to do. (So We’re going to spend precious time thinking about thinking about what We’re going to do?  This way lies madness.)

Then, figure out how much time you spend actually doing things. (So once We’re doen thinking about thinking about doing things, We’re supposed to think about doing things?)

(Does anyone else have a sick headache yet?  Abner?)

(Okay, seriously? Micro$oft Weird™ knows “Mertz” but not “Abner”?  Abner was not only the Stevens’s neighbor, ya know.  What about Abner Doubleday, the Father of Baseball?  (Didn’t think We’d know THAT one, didja?)  And what about Li’l Abner?)

(Okay, when We said “Li’l Abner” just then, how many of YouPeople’s thoughts went directly to Abner Kravitz’s penis?  Perverts.)


Tasks that require the most action should rise to the top of your ‘to do’ list.  (Cream rises.  On the other hand, shit floats.  For every axiomatic maxim, there is an equal and contradictory maximatic axiom.  Quod erat Dame Judith Anderson.)

(What?)

Stop living among the ghosts of the past. (And start living among the Werewolves of London.  Then you can have pina coladas at Trader Vic’s.  And your hair will be perfect.)

(Ah-OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Warren Zevon.)


What happened in high school or even yesterday doesn’t matter.  (Wait, We were in high school yesterday?  Somebody better get Our attorney on the phone…)

 Nobody really cares about all that, (Oh, well, then…)

and neither should you. (Who cares?)

Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were wrong.)

Keep your side of the street clean.  (Fine.  If anyone wants Us, We’ll be outside flinging poo at the neighbors.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    

Saturday, July 28, 2012

So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SadderButWiserGirlDay, July 28, 2012.  We just dropped by for A Very Special Weekend E-Pissode Of Blossom…Er, Of Erix Daily Horoscope, partly to make up for some of the crappy e-pissodes We produced this week, and partly because We are well aware that all of Bloggonia is wondering if We watched the Olympics Opening Night…and We are here to tell you…

…We will watch the Olympics when they have Prince William and Prince Harry Jell-O™ wrestling in edible Speedos™.

Now that We’ve sent Princess Diana a-spinning in her grave, on to actual matters of importance.

As you are probably aware, some of the income that keeps OurHouseWhereWeLive running like the well-oiled crackhouse that it is comes from WorldWideInterWebNetzian opinion surveys.  (Because if anyone has an opinion, We do.)  Earlier this very morning, in fact, We were Opining For Dollars in a survey on the subject of nuts (We are NOT making this up), in which We were asked to indicate how much We agreed or disagreed with such statements as “I like telling my friends and family about new nuts that I try” and “I pride myself on knowing a lot about nuts.”

Sometimes the jokes, they write themselves.

In other news, We had one of Our epic dreams last night, with about sixteen different subplots.  In the course of said dream, We had not one but TWO full-blown (heh) affairs, which were, as you might imagine, equally complexicated, one by the fact that Our partner kept having to go to work, and the second by the fact that Our partner seemed to be married. (The first partner was one of those idealized Dream People, but the second partner was an actual person from Real Life.  Who is in fact married.  And whom We have, in fact, had The Sex with.  (BEFORE he was married.  We are well aware that one of The Ten Commandos is “Thou shalt not commit adulthood.”))

We mention this mainly because, although We have not seen this person in years, when We got up this morning, We had a message from him on SitOnOurFaceBook.

The thought plickens.

Also appearing in The Movie In Our Mind was The Sainted Mother, who was clearly being played by an entirely different actress, as she uttered the immortal line, “Bring me another Ambien™!  And keep one for yourself!”

(We don’t make this shit up, folks.)

In other other news, it goes without saying that We are your favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist).  Which is, presumably, why no one ever says it.  And We would happily put Our thumb on Uranus until We all know exactly where We are.  But we cannot always be everywhere at once.  (Indeed, of late, there are times when We can’t be ANYwhere at once.) And for those times, you will want to put Our dear friend and colleague AstroGeek on speed dial.  Or at least on speed.  (Wouldn’t crack dial be faster than speed dial?  Is puzzlement.)  Here you will find a description of the types of consultations and services he offers:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/p/consults.html

Aaaaaaaannnndddd….

Here’s the HorrorScope:

And once again, too late, We have learned that no one is reading this, because you’re all out shopping for Sally Struthers’s birthday.

You’ve got a lot to think about  (And you’ve just given Us one more thing.  Thanks.)

— but much of it is actually flying underneath the radar of your consciousness. (That’s just a high-falutin’ way of saying We’re an idiot, innit?)

Just let your inner self twist itself into knots, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Chubby Checker’s proctologist.)

and things should settle down soon.  (We shall wait with bated breath.  (And baited hookers. (and baby’s breathalyzers.)))

(Schtick around for da jokes.)

Things might feel light and airy at first, today, but by the mid-afternoon you should be able to sense some heavy business going on just beneath the surface.  (That all sounds very poetical, until you realize she’s talking about Our gastrointestinal system.)

This subliminal weight doesn’t have to slow you down, however. (If only Our weight were (subjunctively) subliminal…)

Keep your bright outlook and don’t join in on anyone’s pity party. (Wait…there’s a party?)

 Let them live under a cloud if they choose to, today. (Again, gastrointestinal system…)

You can step away for a while and focus on going where it is that you want to go. (You’re the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…shouldn’t you KNOW where We should go?)

You’ll just need to be prepared to go there by yourself.  (No doubt with a broom up Our ass, so We can sweep the floor on Our way.)

Life isn’t a road race, (Nor is it Amazing.)

but if you had to qualify, you’d be in the top ten. (Yippee.  We ran a race and came in tenth…what is that, the Gum Wrapper Medal?)

When it comes to achieving those short-term goals, you’re moving at warp speed. (Actually, We’re moving at Time Warp Speed.  (It’s just a jump to the left…))

But pay a little more attention to the personal touches. (Especially the BAD personal touches.  (Now show Us on Arlene Dahl where Antonio Banderas touched you.))

(No, We have no idea.)

Don’t neglect those who never neglect you.  (Oh, see, now.  If ever there were a time when We wished We knew how to needlepoint…)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    



Friday, July 27, 2012

Well, Billie Joe never had a lick o' sense, pass the biscuits, please




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, July 27, 2012.  Please ensure that your tray tables are in the upright position, as We are about to begin Our descent….

Is it just Us, or did July only have four days in it this year?  Suddenly, it is almost August.  We would make an effort to go Downa Shore, but industrious environmentally-concerned children would probably keep trying to roll Us back into the ocean.  Sigh.

We continue to await the Other Shoe Droppage to which We alluded yesterday.   (The word “alluded” just made Us think of Quaaludes (because We are mentally unbalanced that way), as in “whatever happened to Quaaludes?”  Apparently, they are no longer manufactured.)

We now return to Our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

In lieu of further scintillating witticisms on Our part, here are some random tweets from The Twitter:

All registered sex offenders must report immediately...  TO THE DANCE FLOOR!!!
                
Put an ice cream sandwich in your pants.  High five a cat. Yell at some Tupperware.  Congratulations!  You're my grandpa!

When I was just born the doctor took me in his big strong arms and that was when I knew for sure I was gay as hell.

Beer before liquor, never sicker.  Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Actually, the past tense is 'hanged', as in 'he hanged himself'.  Sorry about your dad, though.

Important life lesson: never accept a burger from a clown if you're not at McDonalds.

A lady on Facebook sent a message telling me to fuck off because I didn't accept her friend request.  SORRY, LADY, I'LL ACCEPT IT NOW; YOU SEEM GREAT!

Remember, kids, if you ever catch on fire: 1. Open the door 2. Get on the floor 3. Everybody walk the dinosaur.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to text and you hit every green light?

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY A PLANE would be a fun show.

No, I flicked a cigarette butt NEAR your baby.

"That's what SHE would have said if women were allowed to speak!" --Saudi Arabian office joke


Here’s the HorrorScope:

It being Bobbie Gentry’s birthday, We should probably mention that Billie Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge.  But We won’t.

(Sometimes, the humor in here is so highbrow, sophisticated, and existential, even WE don’t get it.)

(This is not one of those times.)

Use your smiles and charm to get your way today  (Wasn’t she just telling Us crap like this yesterday?)

— people are much more likely to pay attention if you just quietly ask them if they’d mind obliging you than if you issue demands.  (Could you oblige Us by quietly expiring and then tossing your corpse in the dustbin?  Ta ever so.)

(Gawd DAMN!  We sound like the fucking Queen of England!)

Smiling faces get told yes a lot more than frowning faces do, (And yet, each of Our faces seats five.)

and that is something you need to remember throughout the day — (What?)

especially when you enter a new situation. (Or a nude situation.)

(That was a callback to Our beached whale joke from earlier.  Trouble is, it wasn’t funny the first time.)

Lead with your charm, and expect everyone in the room to fall in love with you — after all, why wouldn’t they?  (Perhaps because, like everyone else, they have met Us?)

Thinking positive — as well as being positively charming — will get you into places you never thought you’d be able to get into. (Johnny Depp’s underpants?)

You’re part of the ‘in’ crowd!  (Crowd?  But We’re All alone…hey, wait…was that a fat joke?)

Alcohol or any other controlled substance is poison to your system right now. (We’ll drink to that!)

Choose sparkling water or juice — even coffee, instead. (Clearly, We’re gonna need SOMETHING to wash down Our Quaaludes.)

Treat your psyche well and don’t over imbibe. (“Imbibe” is a peculiar word, no?  Imbued with imbecility. Imbringing sexy back.)

(What?)

You’re bound to make bad decisions (Yes.  Yes, We are.)

and act poorly under the influence.  (Absolutely no “influence” is required.)





(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.