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Friday, August 31, 2012

Sing-Sing: A Song



 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridayFridayFriday, August 31, 2012.  Thank you all for bearing with Us through Our March Down Mammary Lane this week.  We have one more blast from the past today, then We shall return to Our regularly scheduled programming.  Today’s e-pissode is the first installment where We took over the reins from HimSelf.

 

But first, here’s this: http://make-everything-ok.com/

 

'Cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1929


 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here. I’ve hijacked Eric’s Daily Horoscope for the first installment of the year as a harbinger, if you will (or even if you won’t), of exciting changes to come. (For those of you toddling off toward the liquor cupboard, “harbinger” is NOT short for “Harvey Wallbanger”. (Although, as a Harvey Wallbanger does have orange juice in it, if you’re going to drink at 10:30 in the morning, at least no one else will have to know.))

 

Speaking of You Americans and your strange expressions, I was surfing the Internets earlier and I found myself in a quandary: is it “up AN Adam” or “up IN Adam”? (Not that I expect any response. I mean, what can you do with an entire country full of people who don’t know how to pronounce “Uranus”?)

 

I do realise that you are probably wondering where Eric is, and whether I’ve done him a mischief. The poor dear is still fast asleep, exhausted from the dizzying whirlwind of his glamorous holiday social life. And, lest you fear that I intend to run garrulously on like Mrs. Garrett (despite the fact that I do indeed know all the facts of life), I shall now introduce an encore presentation of some Eric’s Daily Horoscopes from the past (one of which happens to be All. About. MEEEEE!)

 

Many of you will have no doubt been annoyed, as was I, by the brouhaha over this year’s New Years Day being 1/1/11. This issue was first addressed by Eric’s Daily Horoscope, always on the cutting edge, all the way back on 6/6/06, with further references on 8/8/08 and 9/9/09. All of those installments follow this paragraph. Till we meet again, ducks, keep your eyes on the stars and don’t stop looking for Uranus.

 

Starzina

 

Tiny bubbles…

Greetings, Excrement Resentment Interment Cement---

(Sounds like a French art film, no? And, just in case it doesn’t sound like that to YOU (Philistine) here it is in FRENCH: Le ressentiment des excréments inhumation Ciment. Because WE can work Our WorldWideInterWebNetz like nobody’s business. Got Ourselves one o’ them accent thingies over the excrement and everythang. You would think somebody would be THRILLED to give Us a jawb.)

 

(Apropos of nothing, here is Charo performing on the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. Which totally sounds like the punchline of a joke, until you see the video. Now THAT’S comedy: http://perezhilton.com/2009-09-07-charo-does-rihanna )

 

(Speaking of comedy, hurry on down to L’Etage, kidz…only four shows left: SitOnMyFaceBook addicts will already know this, but The WaitStaff Sells Out! sold out both shows on Sunday, and got a glowing City Paper online review. Get your tickets NOW for tonight, and/or Sunday, Wednesday, and/or Thursday next week. The review is here: http://wwww.citypaper.net/fringe/2009/show.php/id/185/ ; ticket info here: http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=8851 . See you there!)

 

(So We totally forgot to say:

 

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, 09/09/09 (And We would wish you a Happy Hump Day, but, this being a holiday week, it is a Week Without A Hump. Not that WE would know the difference, but still.):

 

(Meanwhile, all this FUSS about 09/09/09 (which, if you are missing said fuss, see here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090908/sc_livescience/why090909issospecial ). This led Us to wondering why We don’t recall similar fusses over, say, 08/08/08 (TCBITWWW’s birthday) or 05/05/05 (The Sainted Mother’s birthday) (Parenthetically (he said, starting a whole new set of parentheses), they are two of the four people who actually READ these Epistles to the Epistleless.) So, as We possess archival versions of Eric’s Daily Horoscope back to 2004 (We actually have PART of 2003, but (A.) not as far back as 03/03/03, and (2.) hotmail won’t let Us open them.), We did a little research on your behalfs (We’ll leave out what We did to your bewholes.). 04/04/04 apparently fell on a weekend, and thus was not memorialized in these pages. 05/05/05 was celebrated as The Sainted Mother’s birthday and nothing else. For 07/07/07, We were apparently on vacation. 06/06/06 and 08/08/08 are reproduced here for your nostalgic enjoyment and edification. (“Edification” meaning, of course, “to be made more like Ed”, although who the h3ll Ed is, We haven’t got any idea.))

 

(But first, try saying “Epistleless” a coupla times. Fun, no?)

 

(HERE IS 06/06/06, WHEREIN THE PECULIARITY OF THE DATE IS AT LEAST

REFERENCED:

 

Greetings, Express Regret In Ceylonese—

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, June 6 (Happy 6/6/6 to one and all! Also, happy D-Day. Also also, welcome back from Inja to Mister Bill, who I hope by this point has been appropriately disinfected, or whatever it is one does to people who have been shipped off to Third World countries against their will. Let’s eat sacred cow together soon. Also also also, happy birthday to Bill (this would be a totally different Bill) who turns twenty-four today. He is not on the Eric’s Daily Horoscope distribution list (and why not, I should like to know), but his wife is, and perhaps she will pass along these birthday wishes. Who knows, she may have already purchased him his very own birthday copy of Eric’s Daily Horoscope 2004/2005, available at an e-store near you. http://www.lulu.com/content/250689 ):

That certain someone has always been intriguing. (Couldja be a little more specific? I am intrigued by so many someones. Of course, I am also easily distracted by bright shiny objects. What were we talking about?)

Maybe it's time to schedule a grown-up play date. (Maybe it’s way PAST time. Of course, this is hampered by the fact that I don’t happen to know any grownups. Also by the difficulty of arranging the “consenting” part of “consenting adults”. Sigh.)

Stimulating company is always good for the grey matter (This is, presumably, just another way of saying “Go fu(k your brains out”.)

-- not to mention your social life. (Mmm-hmm. My social life, unicorns, the Loch Ness monster…you can mention them all you like, it doesn’t make them so.)

There is no point in trying to be everyone's best friend -- it's an unpleasant fact of life that not everyone will always like you. (Yet one more proof that the world is full of stupid people.)

More importantly, you don't need everyone to like you. (Well, duh. I’d be EXHAUSTED. Could they like me one at a time on alternate evenings?)

After all, if you want to win a popularity contest, it's all about pleasing others and living up to their expectations, (Fu(k THAT noise.)

and that's not going to get you anywhere in the long run. (Meanwhile, when was the last time anyone actually saw ME “run”?)

Stick to your path and don't worry if you ruffle a few feathers along the way. (It’s like I always say…you can’t make an omelet without plucking a few chickens. Speaking of dinner, there are signs all over the place outside of the EAC that say “Found a cat” with a phone number. No DESCRIPTION of said cat, or any other pertinent information. That cat is SOOO gonna wind up Chinese food. Mmmm….moo goo gai pu$$y.)

They'll get over it, so you should get on with it! (Oh, Kelli! I take back every nasty thing I’ve ever said about you. That is BRILLIANT…I may have to have T-shirts made.)

Caution: The charm level you've got now could be dangerous! (Obviously. Why, cute bois are practically falling over each other to get into my orbit. Speaking of cute bois, my own personal day started with a voice message from TCBITWWW, so the day can’t be all bad. (It is difficult to stay in touch with people when you work completely opposite schedules. However, as I am constantly pointing out, one can call my cell phone any time; if I am sleeping, I will not hear it. (As I am also constantly pointing out, one can answer an email I’ve sent any time too, with even LESS chance of waking me up. (Let us now take wagers on that last bit being any more than f@rts in the wind.(Whatever DID happen to My New Str8 Boyfriend???)))))

Deploy it with some serious thought only -- what's just a friendly flirtation on your part could be a major heartthrob on theirs. (And wouldn’t THAT be nice for a change?)

 

(AND HERE IS 08/08/08, JUST BECAUSE IT AMUSED US:

 

Greetings, Earwigs Rebelliously Ingest Cerumen---

 

(<…Your third grade teacher’s voice…>If you don’t KNOW a word, look it up.<…/Your third grade teacher’s voice…>)

 

(Eric’s Daily Horoscope: Not JUST a pretty face. Since 2001.)

Here is your horoscope for Friday, August 8 (Happy birthday to TCBITWWW, who turns twenty-four today. Of course, he’s accomplishing that at 77 Sunset Strip, or Barbie’s Malibu Beach House, or Melrose Place, or one of those other fictional Left Coast places that the media would have Us believe actually exist, so he actually remains perpetually three hours younger than the rest of Us. Of course, at least the Californiancian time difference is comprehensible by a reasonably functional human brain, unlike the time difference in China (especially the Korean part of China), where it’s actually a different DAY right now. (I believe it’s the Day of the Hedgehog. Tomorrow is the Day of the Cat. The next day, naturally, is the Day of the Steamed Dumpling (Hey, Where’d The Cat Go?))):

 

(Oh. My .G0d. Shut UP, Ralph Nader.)

 

(Long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers (and I *DO* mean LOOOOOOONG-time) may recall a brief episode where We were about to be “syndicated” (heh) in a webzine which, unfortunately, never got off the ground. We had intended to adopt a nom de plume (see also: pseudonym (see also: pen name (noto bene: “pen name” is different from “that pet name you have for your p3nis”))) for said enterprise, and had even gone so far as to create a bio for the new persona (no need to go look up “persona”; it’s just Eye-talian for “person”). I reproduce said bio herewith (no need to go look up “herewith”; it’s a stupid lawyer word that doesn’t actually mean anything):

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

(Now, astute readers among you (and how long has it been since anybody read a good stute? They just don’t write stutes the way they used to, do they?) will be wondering what the h3ll any of this has to do with the price of p33 in China? And to both of you I say: I don’t think they DO watersports in the Olympics. However, I *DID* mention earlier in the week that We would be taking Our horoscopical show on the proverbial road; you now have another piece of information regarding same.)

 

(Speaking of horoscopes, it is probably time We started one.)

On most days, you're happy to engage with all comers, friend and foe alike. (Sometimes, Kelli’s observations are so filthy, dirty, and vulgar that I need add nothing whatsoever. This would be one of those times.

 

(Meanwhile, is anyone else imagining the law firm of Filthy, Dirty, and Vulgar, or is it just me? Just me? Alrighty, then.))

 

Today, though, you'd rather take time for yourself and think things through. (If I think things are through, why would I keep thinking about them?)

 

It's a good day for self-reflection. (Oh, honey, no. Just no. I *HAVE* mirrors in my house, and trust me. No.)

 

Be careful not to run yourself too ragged, right now. (Dass me, Raggedy Amos and Raggedy Andy. (What?))

 

You have been working at an exceptionally fast pace lately, (At least on the cellular level. My mitochondria, for instance, are all a-twitter. (That was a science nerd joke. The rest of you can move along, there’s nothing to see here.))

 

and there is no real reason for you to continue running around like this. (Wonderful. TAXI!!!)

 

You can still get things done by whatever deadlines have been imposed. (See, I’ve always thought that, if there’s a deadline, by the time it arrives, somebody should be dead. I have a list of nominees, if anybody’s interested.)

 

It's time to slow up and simmer down! (Pushy b1tch.)

 

Take off your running shoes and put on some slippers (My Cinderella complex, let me showz it to you.)

 

-- you deserve some mellow relaxation. (Have you never BEEN mellow? Have you never tri-i-i-i-ed? (Just a little Olivia Newton-John moment for all my good friends here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope. Let’s have some General Foods International Coffee™, shall we? Here have a Xanax™….))

 

It's not only good for your mental state, (It’s also FAAAAABULOUS for your mental police state.)

 

it's going to be good for your wallet too. (Okay, we were talking about relaxing, right? And if One’s wallet were (subjunctively) to relax, presumably whatever money One had managed to keep in there during the disastrous Dumbya economy would go flying out, which would, again presumably, have a negative effect on One’s own personal relaxation. Because words, Kelli you ignorant flea-bitten chancrous addled-brained c00terhead, have MEANINGS. Look ‘em up, g0dd@mmit, in your fu(kin’ Funk & Wagnalls.)

 

Feeling introverted? (YES I AM, YOU FU(KING FU(KTARD, WHAT THE H3LL IS IT TO YA? (Heh. See what I did there?))

 

Start turning all your energy outward to make a bigger impact. (Why the h3ll didn’t *I* think of that?)

 

Coming out of your shell may seem impossible, (But you can’t make an omelet without breaking some legs.)

 

but the more you spend time along, (Jigga WHAT?)

 

the less likely you'll be meeting people and having fun. (Oh, “spend time ALONE”. Which is what it would’ve said if this dizzy b1tch had an actual EDITOR. Why *I* don’t collect a paycheck for this, I’ll never know.)

 

Get out there! (Shut the fu(k up! Cowhead!)

 

(AND NOW, 09/09/09:

 

Go over it one more time in your head, (Or whatever other body part has a vacancy.)

if you're still trying to work out where you went wrong with someone. (Or, more to the point, went wrong with everyone.)

You are being given a chance by the Universe to really mull over the facts, and to focus on your communication skills within all your most important one-to-one relationships. (This does not bode well for what happens after We finish this horoscope and have time and communication devices to kill…)

Some Aries are going to find that the current cycle brings an ex back into your life - not necessarily for a reconciliation, it could be just so you can get closure. (We are ALL for that. Especially if the closure involves a car door and their naughty bits.)

All in all though, work hard on figuring out where you're going wrong in relationships, as much as where you're going right! (Oh, please. If slamming the door on their d1cks is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.)

(Thank Chr1st THAT was short and sweet, after all that blast-from-the-past entertainment! Here come YOUR-O-Scopes.)

 

 

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

 

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

 

 

 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Who can turn the world on with her smile?



 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday Eve, August 30, 2012.  In keeping with this week’s nostalgia theme, We offer herewith (who lithped?) Our very first ever e-pissode in Bloggonia:

 

A whole new world...

 
Greetings, Excitement! Rapture! Incandescent Cheer!---

 

 

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, January 13, 2010 (And the very happiest of Hump Days to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in Hump-Hump Land! Oh, my dears...We are so excited, We can barely contain Our very selves! (In fact, We are pretty sure that a little bit of Us may have actually escaped earlier. (Wasn't that a tasteful way to say "queef"? (And wasn't that a tasty dish to set before the king?))) Here We are with Our very own BLOG! Why, We feel just like Betty Crocker must have felt when she saw her very first microwave oven. And said, "What the fu(k am I gonna do with THAT?!?" The world is Our oyster now, Bay-Bee! (Also, Neptune is Our mussel, and Uranus is Our calamari, but that's a wh0re of another color.) We can bold, we can italicize, we can come in colors...(although We have yet to figger out how to make that TM=trademark symbol that We like, and We aren't being spellchecked as We go along. Which is problematicalicious, in that, while We can spell reasonably well, We can't type for sh1t...). But still, look at Us, We're a BLOGGER! With contextually appropriate advertising and everything!):

 




(While We're waxing pathetic (and We see you, in the corner, waxing the carrot...please knock that off; it's very distracting. Even though it's only a baby carrot) about the Brave New Universe in which We find Ourselves, We should also point out that We can do pictures and video now, too. (Well, We tried to do a pixture here, but it keeps putting it at the top instead. Clearly, We shall have to read more of the destructions. However, We can also do video, and We don't care where that goes, so here. (Hmmm...that didn't work so well either.



 

 

(Now We're waiting while it's "processing" Our video. (Is it p00p yet?) While We wait, a bit of Eric's Daily Horoscope history for those of you who may be new to Us. Way back when the Earth was cooling, in 2001, (Oh, look...Our video appears to be processed. Much like processed cheese food. Velveeta! Velveeta! Don't cry for me, Ike and Tina, and all that) a friend used to email Us Our daily horoscope on occasions when it was particularly Pollyanna-ish and, thus, completely unrelated to Our own life. On the first such occasion, We responded with some scintillating bon mot no doubt not unlike "Our horoscope can go fu(k itself". When this did not deter the arrival of subsequent putridly optimistic horoscopular rantings, it became clear to Us that We were being called upon to tell said horoscopes exactly where they could go and exactly what they could do when they got there, and Eric's Daily Horoscope was born.)

 

(And now, a word about the pixture which We have had to leave at the top of this installment, as We cannot induce it to go anywhere else. Tempted though We are to pass that off as a pixture of Our very Own Self to fool those of you who do not know Us personally, We cannot tell a lie. (Well, actually We can, and We can do a pretty d@mn fine job of it. But We're not lying to you now. (Or ARE We?)) Every so often, One is fortunate in this life to encounter a person who, by sheer force of positive personality, makes it seem as though any old thing is possible if you just try to do it. And about one out of ten of those people manage to do that without making you wanna puke up your own spleen. Now, We should make it clear that We are not one of those people (we mean the positive personality kind...We're pretty sure We occasionally make you wanna puke up your own spleen). If it depended upon Us, no light bulb would have ever gone off over Thomas Algae Edison's head, the Wright Brothers would have been Wrong, and Billy Joe McAllister would have jumped off the Tallahatchie bridge a whole lot sooner. The gentleman in the picture, however, is one of those people, and as such, is The Patron Saint Of The Eric's Daily Horoscope Blog For The New Millennium, in addition to being Our future ex-husband. (Those of you who actually know the gentleman in question may wonder how he can possibly be Our future ex-husband when he is already in a committed relationship. It's a simple summer soap opera plot involving amnesia and multiple personalities. It all gets wrapped up in one thirteen-week cycle, and nobody is the wiser. Except that We eventually give birth to twins, one good and one evil...(Hey, We don't watch The Young And The Rest Of Us for nothing...)))

(So how many of all y'all are still scratching your heads over the Billy Joe McAllister reference? It's not just any old blog that can call to mind the song stylings of Miss Bobbie Gentry...)

(Meanwhile, it appears we've done everything We came here to do, except for a horoscope. There are examples of those down below, though, for you newbies, and We are out of time. So here is the link to YOUR-O-Scopes:


you've tried scrubbing, you've tried soaking, and still you hear, "ring around the cowgrass!")

 

 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I can't stand Lorraine




 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Hump Day, August 29, 2012.  The very happiest of Hump Days to You and Yours.  And now, Our Blasts-From-The-Past continue apace…

One virgin, one Scot, and one queer



Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thorogood, George, Destroyers, and the, August 25th, 2011. Correct Us if We are wrong (and We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken), but wasn’t this stupid hurricane supposed to be ruining Our weekend? And, unless They have changed things, Thursday is not part of the weekend. Fuck you, The Weather, and the hurricane you rode in on.

 

As an antidote to the suckitude that is The Fucking Weather, here is a video with an angel in it:


 

 

 

 

In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Unless the hurricane destroys the theatre, We shall be strutting and fretting just one week from tomorrow: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

 

Meanwhile, We completely missed Trash Day yesterday, then spent half the night lying awake. We have a few things on what passes for Our mind. Not the least of which is why none of all y’all answered yesterday’s question about Uranus. Tingling? Clenching? Both? Nuns?

 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Judi Dench’s buttocks clenching. Or, the HorrorScope:

 

Your energy levels may be concerning you today, (We don’t have the energy to worry about Our energy.)

 

but there’s not much you can do except wait. (YOU wait. We give up.)

 

They’re likely to improve overnight, and you can certainly catch up on anything you didn’t get done today. (So We should put out yesterday’s trash tomorrow? The neighbors will love that.)

 

Get ready for the view to improve and your energy to increase (Make up your damn mind, Bee-Yotch.)

 

— the road you’re on right now is going to provide you with some easy, breezy movement (Sleazy, queasy, beautiful Cover Girl™.)

 

(Remind Us again why We have no corporate sponsors?)

 

for the next few weeks. (“The next few weeks” covers the run of Our show. We really wish Kelli hadn’t put her asshatty predictions on that.)

 

This will create perfect conditions (Yeah. “Perfect”. No doubt. You do recall that this is OUR life you’re talking about, yes?)

 

for launching your latest adventure or work project. (Now We are concerned with possible connotations of “launching”.)

 

Any conflicts or trials you encounter will be personality driven, so if you just learn when and how to distance yourself from aggravating people, you’ll do just fine. (Oh, it’s just that simple, izzit? Just get away from the aggravating people, then? Antarctica, here We come.)

 

Remember, you can always rely on yourself. (Not when We can’t even remember to put the trash out.)

 

Time to reassess what you want from life, and this includes love. (Only the most astute of Our Gentle Readers will realize that she is using “love” in its tennis sense.)

 

Reflect on past relationships and make a list of all the qualities you liked and loathed from your exes. (Clearly, that way lies madness.)

 

Break bad dating cycles now. (Obviously, no one reads this far, or someone would have answered yesterday’s Uranus question, but We should like at this juncture to point out that We need a date for Our opening night, so if anyone has Johnny Depp’s new phone number, now would be the time. (We would phone him Our Own Self, but the restraining order forbids it.))

 

 

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Some cats and rats and elephants



 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodPieRupeeToozDay, August 28, 2012. In Our continued e-ffort to raise laziness to an art form, here is another scintillating encore presentation of an e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope from last year at this time, when We debuted Our first Virgo fillum:

 

Any lyric EXCEPT “I feel the earth move under my feet”

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenceslas, King, Good, Downlooker Upon Stephen, Feast of…what the hell were We saying? Oh, yes…August 24th, 2011. Happy Hump Day to everyone in the humpus room. Those of you on the Right Coast may have noticed yesterday’s earthquake, and the daily news reports of the imminent arrival of the disastrous Hurricane Irene Ryan, which can only mean one thing…

 

They’re remaking The Beverly Hillbillies?

 

No, fool…We have entered Virgo. Leaving Virgo flushed, sweaty, and begging for more. And right away We give you Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope for Virgo, Our most audacious cinematic effort to date. New sets, new costumes, new credits, and a Very Special Guest Star. What more could YouPeople ask for? Go watch it now…We’ll wait:


 

There…don’t you feel better now? Why, We Our Own Self feel positively Touched By An Angel. Almost as if Della Reese had let Us wear boaf of her wigs.

 

In still other news, so you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report. And We are here to tell you that tickets are being gobbled up like…well, like some sort of gobblable things that are gobbled by gobblers. So if We were (subjunctively) you, We’d go gobble up some tickets Our (or Your) Own Self, before they’re all gobbled away. Particularly if We were (subjunctively) also participating in the Fringe Festival, and were only able to attend certain performances. Go and gobble; We’ll wait (it’s what We live for.): http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Della Reese wearing Irene Ryan’s merkin. Or, the HorrorScope:

 

(Obviously, We’re going to have to wait one more time while many of you scurry off to Google “merkin” on Wikipedia.)

 

There’s an air of impatience today, (Well, We don’t have time for that.)

 

(Heh. See what We did there?)

 

and for once it’s not coming from you. (That’s what you think. We have learned to let Our impatience out silently. Just one of the many benefits of long years spent studying Uranus.)

 

You’re usually the one who is pushing (Heh.)

 

for things to go further faster, (Ah, yes, the old further faster farter trick. (How is it that We have yet again managed to get all caught up in fart jokes?))

 

(Meanwhile, since when does Micro$oft Weird™ recognize “farter” as a word? (Oh, dear Jeebus…because We are an inquiring mind who wants to know, We have just been Googling on Wikipedia (and We ain’t just Ritalin Trixie), and here is what We found:

 

A flatulist, fartist, or professional farter is an entertainer (sometimes considered a comedian) whose routine consists solely or primarily of farting in a creative, musical, or amusing manner.

 

We are pretty sure that, when Our high school guidance counselor gave Us career aptitude tests, “flatulist” didn’t make the cut (sorry, We HAD to say that.)))

 

(Although, now that We consider it, We much prefer the term “fartist”. Why are We just learning this now? After all, any damn idiot child can aspire to be a n astronaut, or a fireman…)

 

but right now that’s not a high priority for you (The antecedent of this particular “that” is too far back in time for Us even to begin to consider.)

 

(“This particular ‘that’” is positively lyrical, no?)

 

— things are already working well. (Not yet. But just wait till We get Our flatulist’s license.)

 

It might take a bit of explaining to set the worried minds of coworkers at ease. (Um, no. This particular flatulist works alone, thank you very much. We don’t want anyone stealing Our thunder.)

 

(Shtick around for da jokes…We got a million of ‘em.)

 

Let them know you’re in control and you know exactly what you’re doing even if you don’t. (Whatever We say here wants to have the word “sphincter” in it, but We don’t know what it is yet.)

 

Right now it’s important to stay in control. (This would be where the second “sphincter” joke goes.)

 

Spend the morning focusing on your home life. (Then here, We would switch it up and say “hipster” instead of “sphincter”, and throw “Uranus” in there somewhere.)

 

(That was a sort of behind-the-scenes glimpse at the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope. You’re welcome.)

 

(Wow, We’re really wrapping this up early today! So here’s a question for all y’all; leave your answers in the comments:

 

When We say “Uranus”, how many of you find that Uranus tingles? Or clenches? Or both?)

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.