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Friday, November 30, 2012

Let’s have a kiki




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, November 30, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Joanne, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy Saint Andrew’s Day to the rest of all y’all.  Saint Andrew, Wikipedia would inform you if you did not already know, is the patron saint of Scotland.  Also Greece, Romania, Russia, Ukraine, Barbados, and the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople.  We certainly hope you have your travel agent on speed dial, because who wouldn’t want to spend a long holiday weekend on the sunny beaches of the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople?


Astute non-naked-skimmer readers may notice that today’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope is thirty-seven percent less funny than Our usual level of side-splitting hilarity.  For example, We mentioned Scotland in the preceding paragraph, and didn’t make a single “what’s-under-the-kilt” joke.  This is due to the fact that We just yesterday learned that We shall be required to be funny in two further e-pisstles this weekend, for reasons which shall be made clear to you in A Very Special E-pissode Of Blossom…er, Of Erix Daily Horoscope, coming (heh) soon to a computer near you.  And We didn’t want to shoot Our entire wad early, as it (subjunctively) were.


Speaking of wad-shooting, this just in from The Latest Stupid-Ass Fad Department:  The Latest Stupid-Ass Fad is apparently called “milking” (get your minds out of the gutter), and involves pouring an entire carton of milk over One’s own head in a public place.  Which see:




You’re welcome.


This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter:
 
#WorstDayEver burned my mouth drinking hot chocolate, now I can't taste anything either.

The most action I've got in the last 2 months was letting my blind guy friends read my T-shirt.

That awkward moment when your boyfriend tells you "I think we should see other people."

Another reason We are attempting not to squander Our funny is that We will be writing and shooting a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video this weekend.  Our most recent effort, which you can see above, is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  So stay tuned next month to see how We side-step attempting to top that.


(Of COURSE We are a top.  Who can possibly have been telling you otherwise?)

(Dammit, some funny slipped out!  (Wet fart…who’s got a comb?))

Meanwhile, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share the aforementioned most recent video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y   …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!

Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe.  (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one.  KThxBye.)

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:


)

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is the birthday of a ridiculous number of incredibly famous people today, and We are not inclined to list them all.  So, due to Our love of The Theatre, We shall simply inform you that today is David Fucking Mamet’s Motherfucking Goddamn Birthday, you Cocksucking Fuckstain.

Life gets a little easier for you today, as you find that people are more congenial and obstacles seem to just melt away.  (Mmm-hmm.   What’s your dealer’s number again?)

Take advantage of this opportunity (And its knockers!)

and move forward quickly!  (With an exclamation point, even!  As musicians would say, “Presto!”  As jazz musicians would say, “What’s your dealer’s number again?”)

(Dammit, the funny just leaks out and We can’t stop it.)

Positive energy is swarming all around you, today, (Shit…We dropped the toaster into the bathtub again.)

protecting you from any bad mojo (“Mojo”?)

and keeping a bright smile on your face all day long. (Electrocution will have that effect.  Elocution, on the other hand…repeat after Us: “Homo mojo, get some fro-yo, YOLO”.)

Get ready for some unexpected flirtation (Also, unexpected fartation.)

and a few sweet gifts to come your way. (Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a prize…that’s what you get in Cracker-Jack™.)

They are someone’s way of getting you to finally notice them and spend a little more time with them. (Well, a candy-coated penis will have that effect.)

This is a banner day if you are in the mood for romance, even the harmless and platonic kind. (It is a John Banner kind of day if you are in the mood to know nussing.)

(We just can’t stop Ourselves.)

No one’s taking themselves too seriously, (Well, David Mamet is singing Edith Piaf, but other than that…)

(We have no idea.)

which is always a good thing.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Martha Stewart’s dry cleaner.)

 Getting something sweet going is incredibly easy now, thanks to the big boost your energy is giving you.  (To say nothing of that candy-coated penis from earlier.)

Moreover, high-tech is favored, so how about checking out online personals sites for new prospects?  (Oh, whatever.  We’ll give ya two nickels to pour a carton of milk over your head.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    


Thursday, November 29, 2012

Let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday’s Eve, November 29, 2012.  Friday’s Eve is, of course, not unlike Summer’s Eve™, except for the douche part.  (We have no idea what that means, but it enabled Us to say “douche” in the very first paragraph, thereby ensuring that this will be a first-class e-pissode.)


So how weird is it that Thanksgiving was a week ago, yet it is still November? This is because Thanksgiving this year was on the earliest date that it can be, thereby giving everyone an entire extra week to prepare for HannuChristmaKwaanzica.  We Our Own Self Personally have been busy like a busy busy beaver bee trying to sort out Our social calendar for December, so if you think you need to be on there somewhere, speak now or forever hold your penis.


“Douche” in the first paragraph, “penis” in the second…this e-pissode just gets betterer and betterer.  Also, meta-er and meta-er.


Speaking of the holidays, we were doing some online shopping yesterday, when a glitch in the process necessitated Our contacting customer service via chat.  The rep with whom We chatted subsequently sent Us an email, in which his last name was spelled differently than it was in the chat room.  We are guessing that the recipient of this particular Christmas gift is, as they say, Shit Out Of Luck.


Meanwhile, We continue to get a crazy quantity of daily hits on here, many of which are legitimate, but many more of which are in search of that  e-pissode with the “fat man” picture.  Some of them actually search for it as “really fat man”.  One can only imagine who these people are.  One can completely NOT imagine the people searching for “people who talk trash in Douglas GA” or “cartoon pictures of egestion”.  (We are not making this shit up…Our Google-O-Meter™ tells Us these things.)


This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter:
 
Just finished reading a roll of Bounty paper towel. Looking for a new book, suggestions?

I bet my parents never even sang me happy birthday... assholes.

Becoming a school bus driver, YOLO.

You cannot possibly have missed the fact that We have a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video, which you can see above.  It is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  Please do give it a whirl and see what all the fuss is about.

Also, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share said video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y   …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!

Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe.  (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one.  KThxBye.)

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:


)

We just had occasion to peruse an old e-pisstle, in which We invented the drag name Meretricious Calumny.  How it is that We are not famous yet, We’ll never know.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Andrew McCarthy’s birthday.  He was Our favorite Brat Pack member.  While the rest of all y’all were crushing on Rob Lowe and Judd Nelson, We were all about Andrew McCarthy and Timothy Hutton. ‘Cause We’re weird like that.

Your social energy is fun and flirty (Also foreign and farty.  In keeping with the Frawnch theme in here this week.  Farting Foie Gras…A Love Story.)

(The more We talk, the less We have any goddamn idea what We’re talking about.  It’s kind of miraculous, actually.)

— and you may surprise (SURPRISE!!!)

someone who thought they had you pegged!  (You are using this word, “pegged”…We do not think it means what you think it means.)

Now is a great time to hang out with your crush or a new romantic partner.  (Lovely.  Who’s got Andrew McCarthy’s phone number?)

If your finances are getting a bit tight, your creativity can come to the rescue!  (Watch Us do Our “loaves and fishes” trick with these two nickels!)

Instead of falling back to your old, expensive ideas for how to socialize, why not get a little crafty? (Watch Us tat a doily!)

Skip the pricey dinner out and instead host a themed potluck dinner for all your friends. (Watch Us entertain frequently, yet be infrequently entertained!)

Pick a type of cuisine, (Ethiopian.)

 a type of food (Haggis.)

or even a certain color (Puce.)

for everyone to create a dish around. (Hey, We said foreign and farty.)

 It will definitely be a change of pace (Puce.)

for everyone, and they’ll all appreciate a cheaper way to hang out.  (Haggis.)

 Watch out for the romantic roadblock ahead! (Ethiopian!)

(Is it just Us, or did this all of a sudden turn into a really weird version of The Cell-Block Tango?)

(The musical theatre queens are all hysterical right now.  The str8 bois are all scratching their heads.  (Count to twenty-one.  Sext Us a picture.))



It’s there for a good reason — perhaps a steep drop (Or a deep strop.  Or Deepak Chopra.)

(We have no idea.)

or some other danger lies ahead. (Is it stranger danger?  Can you show Us on the blow-up doll where Andrew McCarthy touched you?)

Try a detour!  (A tour or DE tour?  Make up your mind!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Get some cash for your trash




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinzDee, November 28, 2012.  The sun is shining, which is certainly an improvement over yesterday.  We have a million and two.  Things to do.  Kootchy-kootchy-kootchy-koo.  And yet, what passes for Our mind keeps wandering.  For example, We were looking at a piece of pornography earlier, and all We were thinking was, “That’s a really cool shirt.”

Remember when TMI stood for Three Mile Island?

This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter: 
That awkward moment when someone tells you 'long time no see'

Got grounded for not listening to my parents. No TV for a week.

Can someone tell me if this rubik's cube is finished? Worst birthday present ever.

Speaking of birthdays and the attendant ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations),  We trust it will have by now come to your attention that We have a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video, which you can see above.  It is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  Please do give it a whirl and see what all the fuss is about.

Also, here is the link with which YOU will share it with all your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:


)

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It’s a good time to take stock (Although it’s much easier to take actual cash.)

 of your feelings, but also of your stuff.  (Alternatively, stuff your feelings…We’re taking your cash.)

You don’t want to be on a special holiday edition of ‘Hoarders,’ (Um…have you met Us?  Since when would We NOT want to be on television?)

so donate as much of that old stuff as you can let go. (Donate your own damn self.  Our “stuff” ain’t free.)

Make sure that you are not giving too much to your friends when it comes to the realm of finance.  (No worries there.  (Meanwhile, how grandiose does “the realm of finance” make Our two nickels sound?))

It’s not such a bad thing to lend someone some money or treat them to lunch once in a while, but be careful to avoid financing any of their new projects or schemes. (We are not feeling particularly amusing today.)

 It is a kind of complication that you don’t need right now. (Is there a time when One DOES need complications?)

It’s not about being selfish. (It’s about being shellfish.  Or gefilte fish.  Or Abe Vigoda.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

It’s about not creating a situation where misunderstandings could result.  (Why not?  We don’t understand…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  Or are you still flabbergasted by the Abe Vigoda joke?)


(We just wandered off to look up the etymology of “flabbergasted”, and spent fifteen minutes distracted by shiny things on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  Meanwhile, We are extremely pleased that if anyone Googles “etymology of flabbergasted” AND “Abe Vigoda joke”, they will be directed here.)

Keep things simple and social.  (Herpes simplex, social disease.  There ya go.)

Leave money out of it.  (At last, a direction We can follow.)

Are you freaking out trying to divine when will that hottie will email or call? (Not as much as We’re freaking out over your use of “divine” as a verb.)

You need to be patient and find something else to occupy your mind.  (What, the dustbunnies aren’t enough?)

It’s when you finally forget them that they reach out.  (Well, in that case, it’s a good thing that Johnny Depp has totally slipped Our mind.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.