Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, April 24, 2013. Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today in somewhere called Hysteria, New Jork. (A little WorldWideInterWebNetzian tiptoe through New Jorkian geography (as We have repeatedly admitted in these e-pisstles, geography is not Our strong suit) informs Us that Hysteria is fittingly located in Queens.) Also, Happy Birthday to Rose, who also turns twenty-four today. Somewhere in Massachusetts, which is not nearly as hysterical as Hysteria. Also also, Happy Birthday to Mark, who also also turns twenty-four today somewhere in the hysterical wilds of New Jersey (which, We understand, is both geographically AND alphabetically near New Jork), where We trust he has finally realized his lifelong dream of becoming a stripper.
We would say, “photographic evidence would be appreciated”, but We see exactly how far that has gotten Us lately.
Meanwhile, Happy Administrative Profanity Day to the rest of you goddamn cocksucking motherfuckers. Also, Happy Hump Day. (Speaking of Administrative Profanity, Micro$oft Weird™ thinks it is urgently important that We be informed that, while “motherfuckers” IS a word, “cocksucking” is NOT. Although, oddly, “cocksuckers” IS a word, so presumably, they exist, they just don’t DO anything. Thanks for clearing that up, Micro$oft Weird™.)
Speaking of non-cocksucking cocksuckers (which is, of course, the subtitle of Our memoirs), how much woodchuck cock would a woodchuck cocksucker suck if a woodchuck cocksucker could suck woodchuck cock? (Elocution teachers the world over, you’re welcome.)
Speaking of woodchuck cock in a Jersey stripper’s G-string (is Our ability to develop a theme uncanny, or what? (Who said, “Or what?”) (also, is it just Us, or is “uncanny” one of those words that sounds like it should mean something else entirely?)), as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video, and We could not wait to Cher. Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
In celebrity birthdays, Barbra Streisand was born today. And Shirley MacLaine was also born. Again.
Put aside your own concerns and focus exclusively on what others are needing or saying. (The hell you say.)
Your selflessness actually pays off down the road, but try to do it for its own sake. (We’re confused. Is anybody else confused? Let’s go back to the woodchuck cock in the G-string. At least THAT made sense.)
Karma helps, too! (Plus, with every five karmas, you get a chameleon.)
Apply some of your charm (Always after Our fucking charms…they’re dancing with the fishes.)
(Where’d that fucking leprechaun come from? (And why is he wearing a G-string?))
toward making one of your more ambitious (It’s “amBITCHous”. How many times do We have to tell you?)
goals achievable, today. (Syllables random meaningless.)
You will be amazed at what a little charm can do! (Don’t even tell Us that that leprechaun is sucking woodchuck cock, because We’re pretty sure that’s illegal. (Although very pleasant for the woodchuck.))
Not only can a well-timed smile open up an important door, (We can turn the world on with Our smile. We can also take a nothing day, and make every song sound like old Kurt Weill.)
it might get you invited inside for dinner. (We had a birthday dinner at Tequilas last night. Because that’s just how We roll.)
Exceptional luck is in your romantic forecast right now. (Well, fuck Us with a rabbit’s foot. (How exactly did a detached rabbit’s foot come to be regarded as lucky? We are guessing that no one asked the rabbit’s opinion.))
Everyone’s in agreement as to your many desirable qualities and your overall appeal. (Wow…can We read a transcript of that conversation?)
Celebrate yourself. (See, if We were (subjunctively) Mark, we would put a woodchuck in Our G-string and jump out of Our Own cake.)
(You are picturing that now, aren’t you? Perverts.)
A surprising attraction will heat up because of this. (We can only imagine…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.