Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, May Ate Two Thousand Thirteen (Two Thousand Thirteen WHAT???) Happy Belated Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Pat, who turned twenty-four yesterday in Hershey. Where the chocolate comes from. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Katie, who also turned twenty-four recently, somewhere on The Left Coast. Also also, Happy Belated Birthday to Vince, who also also turned twenty-four recently, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Boys are so cute when they turn twenty-four for the first time. Especially when they’re cute to begin with.
Most importantly, Happy Belated Birthday to The Sainted Mother, who turned twenty-four on Sunday.
We would ask if you’d missed Us, but We like to maintain the illusion of two-way communication around here, and chirping crickets are detrimental to same. Needless to say (and yet saying it all the same), The Sainted Mother having had a birthday ending in “4”, We winged (wanged?) Our way to The Hinterlands to be in attendance, ninety percent of life being Showing Up. So, if you’ve been wondering where We’ve been, that’s where. And, if you HAVEN’T been wondering where We’ve been, (A.) why the hell not? and (2.) keep your damn crickets to your damn self.
Despite Our absence, We maintained most of Our daily WorldWideInterWebNetzian duties, and have now resumed regular e-pisstling e-pissodes of Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! So you’re welcome.
In other news, one of the foodie pages We follow on Our Google Reader wants to enlighten Us about “Ten Corn Dogs We Love In Chicago”. Yeah, no thanks.
In other other news, while travelling to The Hinterlands, We read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and We cannot recommend it highly enough. In fact, We wish We were (subjunctively) still reading it. If you have a teenager, are a teenager, have ever met a teenager, or have ever been a teenager, you will love this book. Or else you’re dead inside. One of those.
We do not, on the other hand, recommend dreams about Vietnam, or about shoveling snow indoors.
Speaking of twenty-four-year-old Eye-talian boys who pole-dance in Our dreams, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video. Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
We may have found Ourself a new career as an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Celebrity Matchmaker: both Enrique Iglesias and Darren Hayes (formerly of Savage Garden) were born today, within a few years of each other. Somebody needs to jump out of somebody’s cake, We’re just sayin’.
Now is a really good day for art, music and culture (All the things that make Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! a WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensation. In its Own mind, at any rate.)
— even if you’ve got business to attend to. (Be.Cause. There’s. NO. Business like. SHOW. Business. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Ethel Merman. (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), how can you tell a merman from a mermaid, when they don’t have any legs to keep the deciding factors between? (Also, whose bright idea was it to call one brand of adult diapers “Attends™” and the other one “Depends™”? Inquiring minds want to know.))))
If you can mix them up, (What difference does it make? If We mix up Our Attends™ and Our Depends™, We’re still shitting Our pants.)
so much the better, as all the aspects of your life fit together better. (How did We get all caught up in poop all of a sudden?)
Today, take any opportunity you can to watch other people dealing with a conflict. (Yeah. Because THAT sounds like a good time.)
Being observant (Sorry…did you say something?)
about how people handle their disagreements will help you get a better handle on any future conflicts you might have with them (No, it won’t.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
— and definitely give you the upper hand. (What about the upper handjob?)
Today is not the time for major action (What about general action? Or privates action?)
or big decision-making, however. (Who decided that?)
You’re likely in a fog early today, (Well, as long as it’s not peesoup.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
so don’t set expectations too high (What about great? Can We set Our expectations on “great”? (That there was a little literary joke. Because We? Are fucking cultured like that. Also? It’s a long way to lit-ter-airy.))
— and avoid taking serious action in your love life. (How much “love life” d’you think We’re gonna have with a diaper full of poo?)
(Don’t answer that.)
Later on, though, some amazing romantic energy comes your way! (We can only imagine.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.