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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend for bringing sexy back


Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Thor’s Day, January 31th, 2013.  And just like that, We’re putting a fork in January.  In like a linoleum salesman, out like a lampoon juggler.  (What, you think March is the only month that gets catchy “in like…out like” labels?)   Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the wilds of Pennsyltucky, although We are informed that he will be returning to civilization soon.



Nobody agrees with anything on the InterNetz.  Right?



There…that should keep you distracted from the fact that today’s e-pissode has absolutely no content whatsoever.



So We are told there was weather overnight.  We Our Own Self Personally were nestled with slugs in Our bedz, while viZZZions of Suzanne Sugarbaker danced in Our headz.  We dreamt about being in the chorus of a musical, and learning the bass lines to all the choral parts.  It’s a good thing We were already asleep, and weren’t operating any heavy machinery, because that was one boring-ass snooze-inducing dream.



But We’re not supposed to tell you about Our dreams.  Also, today’s e-pissode is supposed to contain no content whatsoever. Meanwhile, it is apparently Self-Referential Day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!



Which is why you should hurry on over to Our cosmic friend AstroGeek’s little corner of Bloggonia, where today’s e-PISSode is All About Watersports:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/2013/01/jupiter-direct-shower-of-gold.html  Tell him Starzina sent ya.



Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:






And here are the HorrorScopes:



Not only is it Justin Timberlake’s birthday, it is also Carol Channing’s.  If We weren’t (subjunctively) eschewing (gesundheit (thank you)) content today, We would ask you to imagine THAT particular duet.



Just listen (Sorry…what?)



and all will be explained.  (Is anyone else picturing Justin Timberlake and Carol Channing singing Baby, It’s Cold Outside?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)



Today brings a test of your patience (Talk about being set up to fail!)



and your ability to handle emotional truths, (You can’t handle the emotional truth!)



(Who let Jack Nicholson in here?)



so make sure that you’re really paying attention. (We are too poor to pay attention.)



Your mate needs you more than ever!  (Our what now?)



You recently put aside wishes and wants admirably, (To say nothing of knishes and…no, really; say NOTHING!)



and a very influential person took notice.  (You would think We would be flattered to have attracted the attention of Gwyneth Paltrow’s enemist.  You would be wrong.)



With your selfishness deterred, (What’s that you say?)


you have opened up your ego  (Also, Our id is flat on its back with its legs in the air.  ‘Cause it ain’t got a vase.)


(You knew to pronounce that as “vahz”, yes?)


to appreciate the respect you are about to be rewarded with.  (Never use a preposition to end a sentence with, Bitch.)


This is the start of an exciting phase of life for you, when you will be exposed to strange but exhilarating new experiences.  (What an extraordinary number of words beginning with E in that sentence!  And yet not even one ellipse.)



Take the hand of someone who reaches out to you today, (Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the waters…put your fist up the ass of the man who farts Febreeze™…)



(Does anybody else remember that old folk song?  Those grade school nuns were cutting edge…)



and you will get a much firmer grip on your future.   (Heh.  “Grip”.  See what she did there?)



 If you’ve got a crush, try to minimize the trips to fantasyland and concentrate on getting to know this person in a real way.  (Well, We would do that, but there’s the matter of that pesky restraining order.)



Thinking of them as a potential friend first can help you relax and be yourself.  (Well, NO good can possibly come from THAT.  Perhaps We should think of them as a potential dental hygienist.)



 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Art isn’t easy


Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Wednesday, January 30, 2013.   Happy Birthday to Kevin, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  It occurs to Us that We know all of the people We know in Greater Bostonia because of the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  Without which, We also wouldn’t be writing this, and YouPeople wouldn’t be nakedly skimming it. What exactly did We all do before there were InterNetz, anyway?  Weren’t We bloody bored all the time?



Meanwhile, We are ever-so-veddy-veddy proud of today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus To Wong Foo Marilyn McCoo that We could just bust a gusset.  If We knew what a gusset was.  (Okay, We Googled it on Wikipedia.  Because We’re an Inquiring Mind like that.  And now We have decided that Busta Gusset needs to be the name of a drag rapper. (Are there drag rappers?  Because there totally should be.))



Speaking of drag rappers, 82-year-old Jim Nabors finally came out of the closet and married his partner of 38 years recently.  (We shall pause here to give all the youngsters a chance to Google “who the fuck is Jim Nabors?” on Wikipedia.)  We shall refrain from saying, “Surprise!  Surprise!  Surprise!”  We shall also refrain from saying, “Shazam!”  Because really, We’re funnier than that.



No, REALLY…We ARE.



Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “shazam” is a word.  Where the hell did Micro$oft Weird™ grow up?  Communist Russia?  Clearly, Micro$oft Weird™ is a foreign spy sent to infiltrate These United States if it doesn’t know “Shazam”.  What else doesn’t it know?  Mom?  Apple pie?  All the words to Bohemian Rhapsody?



Gentle Readers who  like the serialized aspect of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! will be shrilled and ignited to learn that We finished Our hush, hush, sweet Charlotte Rae project yesterday, and will be sending it off today.  Even though they extended the deadline.  By ONE DAY.  Till tomorrow.  Who DOES that?  Meanwhile, said project got more and more irritating as the day went on, each step seeming to require Us to learn some new technical skill or find some arcane piece of software.  On the plus side, even once the thing is flushed into The Cesspool Of The Futility Of All Human Endeavor, We will know how to do a whole bunch of things We knew not how to do before.



So yay the fuck Us.



Meanwhile, “cesspool”?  Pool of cess?  Is “cess” even a thing?  Have We discussed this before?



Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:






And here are the HorrorScopes:



Today’s list of celebrity birthdays is woefully uninspiring, thus forcing Us to wish a happy birthday to Gleb Kotelnikov, who invented the parachute.  Aviators everywhere are grateful that he (“he” being, We realize, a completely sexist assumption, although We feel that “Gleb” is a masculine name, as opposed to, say, “Glebette” or “Glebbina”) didn’t name his invention after himself.


And that right there?  Was Us, making chicken salad out of chicken shit.


Speaking of which, here just in is Our InterNetzian Thought Of The Day:


When you color outside the lines, you are able to make a bigger picture.



You are much better off helping others today than trying to get your own work done.  (Well, you know what They say:  God helps those who help themselves to another heaping helping of some hoss-pitt-alli-tee.  (Why anyone still listens when They talk is a mystery to Us.))


Things are just lined up against you, (Is it a football team?  Are they sweaty?)


but a little extra karma should help you immensely. (Was that a fat joke?  Because it SOUNDED like a fat joke.)


 Go for it!  (We would, but We don’t know where ”it” is, so where are We supposed to go?)


Turn all of your attention (Sorry…did you say something?)


toward business today. (We run ColbyCo now!  (Hang on…we need to stitch some shoulderpads into this bathrobe.))


You don’t necessarily have to focus on stocks, bonds, or investment-types of business. (What about monkey business?  We could eat some monkeybread on the monkeybars…)


 Instead, you might really want to deal with anything that requires official documents or meetings with professionals.  (WHORES!!!)


Move forward in your negotiations, but act conservatively.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Newt Gingrich’s proctologist.)


(Okay, it just occurred to Us…you go to four years of college, four years of medical school, internship, residency…and you’re a proctologist.  Who does that?  And WHY?)


It’s always better to be safe than sorry.  (Despite what you might think, however, it is only USUALLY better to be smart than stupid.  It is neither better nor worse to be spry than slimy.)


Honesty and integrity are a natural part of who you are, so utilize these qualities to get what you need right now.  (How honesty and integrity are going to get Us Johnny Depp’s phone number, We haven’t got any idea.)


Art and music are healing forces in your life.  (Fine.  C’mon over, and let Us spray paint your organ.)


(What?)



Express your insides through images and sounds.  (We would put a fart joke here, but that would be redundant.)


 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Better keep your hands off my potential new boyfriend


Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TuesdayWeldsCornAndIDon’tCare, January 29, 2013.



Our InterNetz just informed Us that:

Tuesday is the director’s cut of Monday.

You’re welcome.



Meanwhile, you will recall that We were off in search of a piece of equipment (oh, get your minds out of the gutter) for a project whose deadline is looming (We really don’t mean to be so coy about this, but Our desire not to jinx things by talking about them is at war with Our loathing of suffering in silence.  Also, it’s not called “YouPeople’s! Daily! Horoscope!”, so deal and cope, bitches.).  We did in fact trundle Our capacious behind all the way to Radio Shack, where the lonely Maytag repairman in charge of the empty store seemed to know not of what We spoke, then off to Best Buy, where Our choices were limited to exactly one, which We confirmed was correct with someone who worked there, and didn’t Best Buy used to have really bright employees?


FYI Both of these stores, and, in fact, all the stores surrounding them were practically empty, so, if you wanted to get a head start on your 2013 Christmas shopping, next Monday at 2 o’clock in the afternoon would seem to be a good time to do it.  You’re welcome.


We came home, tested Our equipment (did that sound dirty?  We didn’t mean it to), which worked, and did some research.  Today, We have to do the actual project.


We are guessing that most of Our Gentle Readers do not have the option to walk to a Best Buy.  On the other hand, We are confident that they are not jealous, because how much good does it do you to be able to walk to a Best Buy when you want to purchase a flat-screen TV?



Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:






And here are the HorrorScopes:



What a crazy day for birthdays!  On the website from which We obtain such information, the top five celeb birthdays of the day are Oprah, Tom Selleck, Adam Lambert, Sara Gilbert, and President William McKinley.  That’d be some dinner party!  Well, except for McKinley, who probably wouldn’t eat much. Or have much to say.  And would probably smell.  On second thought, let’s not invite him.  We’ll ask Ann Jillian instead.  That’s practically the same thing.


This is one of those days when YouPeople all WISH you were Us, innit?



Take one positive step toward better health today — or more, if you feel it! (Oh, please.  Feel THIS.  Then, go look on Mapquest to see where We hadda walk yesterday to get to Radio Shack and Best Buy (with Our first-ever stop at Shop Rite on the way back, because We needed sustenance and the Ack-A-Me was out of the way).  Don’t you tell Us about “one positive step”.  AssHat.)



Now is the best possible time to make sure that you’re feeling better for the coming times of strife and action!   (Oh, goody!  There’s strife to look forward to!)



The people in power are relying on your discernment to help them make the right decisions. (Then the people in power are, how you say, fucked.  Discernment?  Us?  Seriously?)



 Do not hold back how you really feel, (No fuckin’ shit, bitch!)



but you might want to consider softening your harshest feelings with a gloss of charm and diplomacy.  (And We are nothing if not charming and diplomatic.  Especially when We are wearing lip gloss.)



You are becoming a very valuable collaborator. (Which is totally different than a very collectible vibrator.  Trust Us. We won’t make THAT mistake again.)



Like a lighthouse in a foggy night,  (Or, like a metaphor in a morass of moronic verbiage.)



you will serve as a life-saving beacon to some important and very confused people today.   (Well, bacon is good and all, but We’re not sure how it could save somebody’s life.  (Confused?  Who’s confused?))



Your instincts are right on target, so speak up if and when you smell a rat.  (See, “smell a rat” is one of those colorful old sayings that has somewhat lost its potency.  Perhaps it could be reinvigorated by being updated to “smell a rat’s ass”.)



(You’re welcome.)



Life is totally hectic right now, (We are too busy to stop and argue with you.)


but that doesn’t mean you have to wallow in your own schedule. (But may We root in Our own schedule for truffles?  Mais oui?)



Block out some time to do something you love.   (Wait…did Johnny Depp rescind the restraining order?)



Whether it’s trawling the dating sites or getting a massage, treat yourself. (Well, first off, if going on dating sites is really your idea of Us “treating Ourself”, perhaps “trawling” is a poor word choice.  And Dinah Manoff, if We’re getting a massage, someone else is treating Us, unless We’re paying for it, in which case, We can be treated better than just a massage.  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.  Slut.)



 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    

Monday, January 28, 2013

You came and you gave without taking


Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandyPatinkinMondayBecauseAGrownManCalled”Mandy”IsAPerfectlyEveryDayThingJustAskBarryManilow, January 28, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Patrick, who turns twenty-four today here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Amanda, who turns twenty-four today in NewYawkNewYawkAHelluvaTown.  Also also, Happy Belated Birthday to Petr, who turned twenty-four this past weekend SomeWhereOnTheLeftCoastWhereItIsSunnyAndWarm.


Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Where We are always knee-deep in twenty-four-year-olds.  (Did that sound dirty? (We certainly hope so.))


In other news, We have a project that We just learned of at the end of last week with an absolutely insane deadline of this week.  It involves Our purchasing of a piece of equipment, and learning to do something technical.  And all We get in return is the CHANCE that We may get an opportunity.  What could possibly go wrong?


Meanwhile, since We are not supposed to be telling you about Our dreams, We will not be telling you about The One In Which We Got Our Equity™ Card.  Nor about The One In Which We Broke Our Sistah Ovella’s Car, nor about The One In Which We Went To Dinner With Somebody We Used To Go To Dinner With, Thereby Reminding Ourself Why We No Longer Go To Dinner With This Person, nor about The One In Which We Went To A Funeral But We Don’t Know Whose.  You’re welcome.


In keeping with Our constant goal of Making YouPeople Feel Better By Comparison,  We should like to point out that, in between such futile weekend efforts as shoveling the snow that really would have all melted if We’d just left it alone, We had the great misfortune to watch Daniel Radcliffe’s fillum The Woman In Black. Not, mind you, that the fillum was a complete atrocity, it’s just that there is no earthly reason why it was ever made.  It’s a perfectly workman-like non-gory horror fillum like many churned out in the 70s, all of which starred Chris Sarandon (Susan’s ex). The spoken words of the script would occupy about five typewritten pages; everything else is atmosphere. Without Mister Radcliffe, no one would have ever bothered making it, but all his presence seems to be telling Us is that he’s not Little Harry Potter any more.  Which, of course, We really didn’t need to be told, having seen video of him waving his magic wand about in Broadway’s revival of Equus.  He can’t possibly have needed a paycheck that badly (or, if he did, he needs to sack his financial advisors).


So that was 90 minutes of Our life that We’ll never get back; hopefully, We’ve prevented you from sacrificing the same.  You’re welcome.



Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:




And here are the HorrorScopes:


In celebrity birthdays today, Happy Birthday to Elijah Wood (We just BET he would) and Nick Carter (he would, too).  Also, Alan Alda turns a million and two years old.


Life is an adventure, (Yeah.  The Poseidon Adventure.)


and when your energy is this active, that just means that you’re more likely to get to the good parts quickly!   (Mmm-hmm.  The good parts.  Once We wrap this up, We’ll be going to Radio Shack/Best Buy.  In this weather.  And Our day will no doubt only get better from there.)


Now is a great time for you to forget the future and embrace the present.  (Will there be presents?   We doubt it.)


 Try to pay more attention (Sorry…what did you say?)


 to any young adults or teenagers who may be in your life right now. (Aren’t there laws about that sort of thing?  What are We, a Catholic priest?  A Penn State football coach?)


You make a very good role model  (We know…We look JUST like a roll.)


and you have some interesting ideas (Oh, yes.  Yes, indeed, We do.)


that they would benefit from. (Also, BeneFiber™. You heard it here first.)


If all the kids you know live far away, send an email or a thoughtful gift. (What is all this harping on kids all of a sudden?)


Just make sure that you are integrated into their lives in some way.  (We are fully integrated.  Why, right this very minute, we are channeling Our inner angry black woman.  Her name is Saliva, and she is about to take her earrings off.)


They have some things to teach you, and as the adult, (Who, Us?  Have you not been paying attention?)


you need to be the one to open up the lines of communication.  (Two Dixie™ cups and a string, Bay-Bee!)


Every now and then you confuse wanting to be involved with someone with wanting to take care of them. (Also, every now and then We confuse Dylan McDermott with Dermot Mulroney.  But that happens to pretty much everybody.)


Watch out! (Don’t tell Us what to do!  You are not the boss of Us!)


Sympathy is a laudable emotion, (Mandible ablution, indubitable emulsion…there’s a joke in there somewhere, but We just can’t get it out.)


but it’s not a good enough reason to be with someone romantically.  (Elijah Wood.  (No, really…he would.))


 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.