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Friday, March 29, 2013

Hey Zanna Ho Zanna Zanna Zanna HO!



Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, March 29, 2013. Happy-Birthday-In-Advance to Aileen, who turns twenty-four this weekend.  Also, Happy-Birthday-In-Advance to Mark, who also turns twenty-four this weekend. 



And Happy Good Friday to the rest of all y’all.  Ya know, in addition to all of its other faults, the Catholic Church clearly lacks a sense of proportion.  Here is The Son Of Gawd, fercrissakes, dying a horrible death for your sins, and to save you from The Wrath Of Khan, or whatever, and the best adjective you can come up with for the day is “Good”?  Jeebus!



Meanwhile, if you were (subjunctively) said Son Of Gawd, We are guessing that “Good” would not be exactly how You would describe Your day.  (Unlike The Royal We and Our, that was, of course, The Holy You and Your.)  Jesus: “This is NOT what I meant by ‘getting My nails done’!”



We are going to keep this short and sweet (well, short, anyway) today, as We know that, if you are at work, you are leaving early, and, if you are not at work, you are busy filling your basket, or other Easter-related activities.  We Our Own Self Personally were supposed to be having a str8 boi come over this evening so We could dye his eggs, but that activity has been postponed till a later date.




Speaking of str8 bois’ eggs and rising from the dead,  here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined: 




Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:





Meanwhile, condoms that taste like bacon?  Honey, if We could taste Our Own condoms, We’d never leave the house.  (Now how ‘bout somebody invents a condom that tastes like KEVIN Bacon?)


And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:


In other news, Happy Birthday to Chris Massoglia, some famous guy you’ve never heard of, who turns twenty-one today.  Stop over later, and We’ll dye your eggs.



You are moving more slowly through your tasks and social obligations  (Little Rhoda and her social obligations…(In other news, it is also Eileen Heckart’s birthday today. But trust Us, Chris Massoglia is prettier. (No offense to Miss Heckart…she is, after all, ya know, DEAD.  Which will just wreak havoc with One’s beauty regimen.)))



than you would like (Oh…is Kelli still talking?)



— but there’s no rushing this time around!  (There is, however, a random exclamation point to convey a false sense of urgency.)



Try to make sure that you’re on top of your to-do list.  (You hear that, Chris Massoglia?  WE’RE on top.)



Someone who is known for being unusually introverted is going to surprise you today (SURPRISE!!!)



when they burst out of their shell (How EGGciting!)



and stir up some exciting ideas. (EGGciting…get with the program.)



Get involved with what they have got going on — after all, if it has created such a dramatic transformation in their life, it must be something worth pursuing. (Oh, sure…one introvert makes an omelet, and We’re supposed to chase them all around the mulberry bush.)



Things are changing in their life, and you are an inspiration for some of that change. (Why We can’t inspire folding money, We’ll never know.)



 This is your chance to be someone’s personal cheerleader.  (Wait till they get a load of THESE pompoms!)



Get out there and give them a hand.  (You heard the lady, Chris Massoglia.)



 Ready for some fun?  (No.)



(Didn’t expect THAT, didja?  Now what?)



You’re in adventurer mode, ready to walk into all sorts of situations and talk to all sorts of people.  (You’re picturing Us all dressed up like Dora the Explorer, aren’t you?  Pervert.)



Your outgoing ways may initially take some aback, (Not to mention affront.)



(Heh.  See what We did there?)



but you’ve got the charm to win ’em over.  (Again with this SINGULAR charm that We allegedly have…)




In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne




(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                     

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Rollin’ on the river



Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThird’sDay (and Lovey), March 28, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Andy, who turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Suburbia.  Also, Happy Birthday to Alan, who doesn’t EVEN turn twenty-four today, Somewhere In Urbia.



Our Google Chrome™ WorldWideInterWebNetzian browser would like Us to know that it has been updated “with a bettar spellchecker”.  Thanx, Googel Chroam!



In other news, much like all of the best-laid plans of mice and men to get laid but not necessarily by each other, Our fame-seeking-missile plan to release a sex tape has already gang agley, as it (subjunctively) were. This should come as no surprise to any Gentle Reader with two brain cells to rub together, dependent as said plan was upon Our obtaining Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown and wearing it with one leg clean-shaven and one leg unshaven within sex-tape-leaking proximity of Brad Pitt and a random Jonas Brother.




(If you have absolutely no idea what We’re talking about, We shall wait right here while you go and read yesterday’s e-pisstle to the E-phesians: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/03/and-let-me-kiss-you.html  Because trust Us, the nothing that We had yesterday was really something compared to the nothing that We have today.)




Meanwhile, We should be moving this right along, as We have dinner plans.  Which should mean absolutely nothing at this hour of the morning, except that the plans involve Us cooking. We are making dinner for two of the ever-dwindling number of people who would pee on Us if We were (subjunctively) on fire. Ordinarily, We prefer Our dinner guests one at a time, so that We can attempt to talk them into making a leaky sex tape during dessert, but desperate mimes call for Desperate Housewives, so here We are.




(In other news, because We are certain that you, like We, are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really….who wants to know?), We would like to inform you that, if you Google “Richard Leakey sex tape” on Wikipedia?  You get no results.  (Thank GAWD!))



(Perhaps We didn’t spell it properly.)




(Ah, so.  The intertwining of the jokes.  But We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)




It has just come to Our (severely limited) attention that it is Maundy Thursday, which commemorates The Last Supper.  Hmmm…perhaps, during Our dinner party this evening, We shall wash each others’ feet.  Now THERE’S a leaky sex tape just waiting to happen! (In other news, albeit a bit late in the day, the Catholic Archbishop of New Orleans would like you to know that, on Fridays during Lent, and other days on which the eating of meat is forbidden, One MAY eat alligator.  Because it is a fish.  Or something:  http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2013/03/27/175058833/forget-fish-fridays-in-louisiana-gator-is-on-the-lenten-menu  So much for that pesky taxonomy science.)





As you can see, We got plenty o’ nothin’.  And nothin’s plenty for We Wee Wee all the way home is where the hard-on is…(Sorry.) So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined: 




Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:





And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:



In other news, Happy Birthday to Conchata Ferrell.  (You thought We were gonna say “Lady GaGa”, didn’t’cha?  Eric’s! Daily!Horoscope!: expect the unexpectorated.)




Listen carefully  (Sorry…did you say something?)





— your mate, business partner or closest family member is trying to tell you something. (Well, which one is it?  What the hell kind of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) prediction izzat?)




You have to read between the lines, (Aw, hell, Kelli…the way you blather on, We have enough trouble trying to figger out the lines their own selves.)




which isn’t entirely comfortable, but you can figure it out.  (Don’t MAKE Us come over there.)




 There seems to be a trend going on around you.  (That’s generally the way things go.  AssHat.)




(We would say “See what We did there?”, but Helen Keller saw what We did there, and wrote a song on the waffle iron for Marlee Matlin to sing about it.)




People are using their charm (Don’t’cha just hate people who only have one charm?)




to get what they want while you are doing things the old fashioned way — (Having the servants flog them senseless , then fling them over the parapet into the moat?)




(Hey, you do things YOUR old-fashioned way, We’ll do things OURS.)




(Lest you think We have neglected The Intertwining Of The Jokes, there are alligators in that there moat.)




you are working for them!  (Them who?)




Instead of getting yourself all worked up over this unfairness, why not consider joining in on the game?  (Because We left Our jockstrap at Brad Pitt’s house?)




After all, you have ten times more charm than anybody else has right now, (Aw, shucks.)




so why not utilize (Or use. Either one.)




 it to open doors, start conversation with important people, and help you get one step closer to reaching your goals?  (But then what would We complain about?)




If you’ve had something in mind for a while, romantically speaking, now’s the time to take some action.  (Indeed.  It is The Last Supper, after all.)




Go ahead and try out the online personals or a friendly fix-up, (A “friendly fix-up”, Kelli?  Seriously?  Like that’s NOT just a euFFFemism for fucking.)




and set some wheels in motion. (Big wheel keep on turnin’, Proud Mary keep on burnin’.)




(What?  If We shave BOTH legs, We can do Our Tina Turner impression.)




In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                     

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

And let me kiss you



Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, March 27, 2013.  Happy Hump Day, YouPeople.



Our email would like Us to know that “You could receive up to $6000 worth of laser hair removal FREE!”  Is that a lot?  We have no idea…naturally, $6000 is a lot, but We have no earthly concept of how many unsightly hairs there are.  Let’s say that’s six thousand hairs, at one dollar per…what if that only finishes off one leg, and they’re like “Okay, cough up $6000 for the other leg!”  There are really only so many places that One can appropriately wear Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown.



In other news, speaking of Hump Day, We have decided that Our new fast track to fame and fortune involves Our leaking a sex tape.  Now, We just need to have Us some sex.  Which is gonna be extra-complicated, what with this one smooth leg and one hairy one.  Somebody get Brad Pitt on the phone…



On the subject of sexual confusion, it has come to Our (somewhat limited) attention that there is a member of the British boy band One Direction who looks EXACTLY like a Jonas Brother.  Of all the times NOT to have Attention Deficit Disorder…



How many of all y’all are now picturing Us in Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown, in between Brad Pitt and a random Jonas Brother, making a leaky sex tape?  We are so very, very sorry.





As you can see, We got nothin’.  So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined: 




Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:






And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:



Speaking of one hairy leg and one smooth one, it is Gloria Swanson’s birthday.  She invented the Swanson™ TV Dinner.  We had faces then.  And they seated five. 



Try to take care of other people first today (Okay.  Hi there…which Jonas Brother are YOU?)



 — your own needs can wait, (We’re pretty sure that, as long as We can manage to stay in between Brad Pitt and this Jonas Brother, Our needs will be met just fine, ThankYouVeryMuch.)



(Apropos of nothing, we were reading an old book last night (you didn’t know We could read, did you?   Shocking, we know.), and it occurred to Us that, much as no one names their baby Adolf any more (for obvious reasons), no one names their baby Jemima, neither.  Wussup wit dat?)



(We ARE big.  It’s the pixels that got small.)



and your energy is just better directed outward.  (So you are saying that that would be energy efficient?  Because We are nothing if not green.  Even though it isn’t easy.)



(It’s like somebody ate a case of Skittles™ and projectile-vomited a whole bunch of pop culture up in here, innit?)



It’s a good time to rack up karma so you can move ahead more quickly later!  (We do not buy Our karma off the rack.)




Are you a little bit nervous about meeting someone new or starting a new venture today?  (All We want to know is, do We put Brad Pitt on the side with the smooth leg, or the hairy one?)




As soon as you shake hands with a key new person in today’s adventure, you will be able to feel right at ease.  (Give Us your paw, Jemima Jonas.)




(See how all the threads eventually weave together?  It’s like a muthafuggin’ tapestry up in heah.)




Look into their eyes,  (Did anybody else read  that with a Dracula accent?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)




and you will know that everything is going to work out fine. (It just occurred to Us that we cannot name a single Jonas Brothers song.  And We’re pretty much okay with that.)




Yes, seeing is believing (Also, peeing is relieving.)




— and it is also reassuring. (Ya know what’s reassuring, speaking of peeing?  Spending time with people who actually WOULD pee on One if One were (subjunctively) on fi-yah.)




(Does anybody else smell something odd?)




As you ramp up that romantic roaming, (Always actively avoid alliteration.  Asshat.)



think about the good you can do for others. (Mmm-hmm.  We gonna have Brad Pitt’s baby.  Enough of this adoption nonsense.)




Give altruism and Cupid equal time right now. (Ah, yes, it’s time for the old Cupid stunts trick.)




The universe will look kindly on your generosity,  (Yeah.  Because The Universe is so big on kindliness.)




so volunteer your time.  (How ‘bout We just volunteer Our timepiece instead?  Here’s a fuckin’ eggtimer; let’s call it even, Jemima.)




(You just KNOW We’re gonna get stuck with the UGLIEST Jonas Brother.)





In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.