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Friday, May 31, 2013

You can dance if you want to



Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For Friday, May 31th, 2013.  We have just learned that yesterday, May 30rd, was the 150th day of the year.  We have no idea why We should care about that, but We offer it up here for your edification, lest you should say We never tell you anything.




Happy Birthday to Jonathan, who turns twenty-four today.  Possibly in Atlanta.  Georgia.  The one they burned down in The War Of Northern Aggression.  Which was approximately 150 years ago.  Co-inky-dink?  We think not.




Get Our numerologist on the phone.  And tell that fucker to buy Us a PowerBall™ ticket.




Here, because We clearly have absolutely nothing this morning (did We actually just bark orders to Our non-existent personal assistant?), courtesy of Nancy in Minnesota (hi, Nancy in Minnesota (how is it possible that We actually know TWO people in Minnesota?  (Minnesota, for those of you who are geographically challenged (much like Our Own Self), is where Mary Tyler Moore threw up her hat.  (Brazil is where the nuts come from.  But that’s not important right now.)))), is this video.  It is Safe For Work, unless butt-dancing in your ergonomic chair is prohibited in your workplace.  Because you WILL.  Butt-dance, that is.  Unless you are not sitting down, in which case you will dance outright.  Including your butt.




Here it is:





We are still waiting for a third occurrence of the number 150.  Of course, We are also still waiting for Johnny Depp to ring Our doorbell.  (You got that “ring Our doorbell” was a euphemism, right?  We don’t even have an ACTUAL doorbell.)




In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.




For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:






Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, tonight and tomorrow, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.




Speaking of the WaitStaff, they will be holding auditions for a woman to join in their Fringe shennanigantics.  Let Us know if you are interested, and We shall hook you up.  Because We’re connected like that.




And now the HorrorScopes:



Speaking of information nobody else is going to be sharing with you, and on the subject of Atlanta (because, look high and low though We might, We could find no one whose 150th birthday was today), today is the birthday of Atlanta-based rapper, Waka Flocka Flame.  You’re welcome.




This would ordinarily be where We would set forth That AssHat Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations), and proceed to resoundingly mock them.  However, We have been, of late, consorting with an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) on an entirely different level, and We thought We’d share her latest e-pisstle with you, sans mockeration:




Greetings Eric ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

A quote from a Wordsworth poem is coming to Madame Olivia's mind: "Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers." But look at the whole poem: he also says "We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!" Madame Olivia is not insensible to the necessity of making one's way. All the same, don't let go of the important things, i.e. don't sacrifice the loves of your life on the altar of success. Down with sordid boons! Up with happiness!

Now, Aries, Madame Olivia hates to tamper with the wonderful way you take charge and make things happen. Really, it's admirable, and even when people complain, notice that they're letting you lead the way. Nevertheless, it can't hurt to revisit mindfulness. Slow down and listen to a few other opinions before you jump in right now.

A water theme will soon present itself.

Madame Olivia sends to you her own positive energy and best wishes for your continued journey.




Sigh.  Wordsworth AND “sordid boons”.  Fuck you, Kelli.




(Meanwhile, We would totally eat the shit out of a Keebler™ cookie called “Sordid Boons”…wouldn’t you?)



In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Cat scratch fever


Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For ThirstyThurrrrstonHowellTheThurrrrsday, May Thurrrrtieth, Twenty-Thurrrrteen. (Is it just Us, or do We sound exactly like Eartha Kitt’s verrrrsion of Catwoman?  (YouPeople DO auditorially hallucinate these e-pisstles as you read them, don’t you?  (Well, DON’T YOU???)))




Happy Birrrrthday (you are only pretending that you wish We would stop that) to Josh, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in suburrrrrrbia.  We should have a drink together.  (We promise not to DRESS like Eartha Kitt’s verrrsion of Catwoman.)




Meanwhile, courtesy of everybody’s favorite WorldWideInterWebNetz, this diet tip just in:

Tip to lose weight: First turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

You’re welcome.




In other news, you can, of course, lose weight, but Ugly is forever.  Especially if you are ugly on the inside.  Just sayin’.




(Heh…We said “but Ugly”, which made Us think of “Butt Ugly”.)



(Apparently, while Josh has turned twenty-four, We are eternally twelve.)



(Speaking of Josh, it just occurrrrrrred to Us that We have the purrrrfect pictue of Julie Newmar’s version of Catwoman to use as today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us in his honor.  You’re welcome.)



(We just give, and give, and give, don’t We?)



In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.



For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:






Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.



Speaking of the WaitStaff, they will be holding auditions for a woman to join in their Fringe shennanigantics.  Let Us know if you are interested, and We shall hook you up.  Because We’re connected like that.




And now the HorrorScopes:




In celebrity birthdays today, it is Wynnona Judd’s birthday, and the picture on the website that tells US so makes her look rode hard and put away wet.  Which is all the excuse We need to share the “Wynnona’s Big Brown Beaver”  song:






Also, it is Stepin Fetchit’s birthday, a fact We point out only because, heretofore, We thought that was the CHARACTER’S name, not the performer’s.  Also also, it is Bob Evans’s birthday.  You know, the sausage guy.




Now is not a great time for conflict, (Oh, yes it is.)




(Heh.  See what We did there?)




so try to surround yourself with folks who think like you.  (And what funny farm are We gonna find THEM on?)




Of course, at some point in the near future, you need to challenge your beliefs, (We don’t believe you.)




but that has to wait.  (Doesn’t waiting for your waiter seem somehow inefficient?)




You’ve been focused on where you are going, (Well, sure.  Because if you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.)




(Confucius ain’t got nothin’ on Us.  (Except he could probably get Chinese food without waiting for delivery.))




(“If you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.”  If only We knew how to needlepoint…)




which is smart — but today it’s time to get back to the present (Wait…there are presents?)




and start living in the moment. (Oh, see, now.  Here, We thought you were saying, “start living in the muumuu”.)




Keeping your gaze fixed so far into the future has created (A lot of drooling, and the general sense that We don’t know what the fuck is going on?)




some distance between you and someone who cares a lot about you  (Okay, or that.)




— it’s time for you to get back in touch with them. (And We would, except for that pesky restraining order.)




Don’t just think about tomorrow, (Actually, it’s “don’t STOP thinking about tomorrow”.  And We’re SURE, because We just looked it up.  Who are We gonna listen to, Kelli The AssHat or Fleetwood Mac, complete with Stevie Nicks?  (Don’t even bother answering that.  It’s rhetorical.  (Much like “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” is RhettButlorical.)))




or you will totally miss out on today.  (Which, unless Josh is sharing his cake, appears to be pretty much a write-off.)




Join up!  (Uncle Sam wants shoes.)




Any group united by a common cause is an avenue toward good fun (So there’s fun that ISN’T good, then?)




 — and it may provide new romantic opportunities in a relaxed setting that’s great for meeting the right people.  (Yeah, whatever.  We are now busy pondering Our new religious movement, WWJND?  (What Would Julie Newmar Do?))



In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The head bone’s connected to the neck bone


Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For WinesDay, May 29st, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Gregory, who also turns twenty-four today, also (to the best of Our knowledge) in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Gregory is the cousin of Our second-cousin-in-law, which means, as near as We can tell, that he is no relation to Us whatsoever.



(If you have difficulty telling your inlaws from your outlaws, and deciding which of your relatives should be removed, here is a handy dandy little chart you may find useful:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Table_of_Consanguinity_showing_degrees_of_relationship.png  You’re welcome.)




 We are fairly certain that, in Our account of Our weekend in yesterday’s e-pissode, We neglected to mention that We had purchased a Christmas gift.  Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because half of Our Christmas shopping is done.




In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.




For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:






Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.




And now the HorrorScopes:




How odd that We were just speaking of Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Tootie, and that lot yesterday, and today is Lisa Whelchel’s birthday.  It is also John F. Kennedy’s birthday, a fact which is newsworthy because We just heard that Rob Lowe will be playing him in a fillum.  We, of course, have not yet even seen Mr. Lowe’s appearance in the Liberace biopic yet, as YouPeople never invite Us anywhere, and We do not have HBO.  Which means, also, that We have missed the most recent cinematic update on Matt Damon’s ass. How We continue to live on the planet is a mystery to Us.




You have to be the brains of the organization today (Fine, as long as We get to have a long (heh) chat with whoever is being the penis of the organization today.)




— even if that role makes you somewhat uncomfortable.  (Are you kidding?  Being the brains of the organization?  Child’s play!  Try being the uvula of the organization.  Or, even worse, the frenulum of the organization.  Now THAT’S acting. (Although Matt Damon’s ass could probably do it.))




You can at least help people get organized so you can collectively tackle the big issues you face.  (Wait…We’re already being the brains of the organization…somebody else is gonna have to be the face.  (Anatomy is complexicated…is one person gonna play both balls of the organization, or will that be two people?  And will the scrotum of the organization be somebody different entirely?)




(We are so confused.)




You cannot be the leader all the time, (A mere two sentences ago, you told Us We had to be the brains of the organization.  Make up your asshatted mind, you asshatic asshat.)




and it is important for you to learn how to step back and hand control over (Oh, lord, the hands of the organization…one people?  Two people?  Separate people for the fingers?  The palms?  ‘Tis a slippery slope, this.)




to someone else when the situation requires it. (Not to mention when the situation COMEDY requires it.  (No, seriously…don’t mention it.))




Today, make sure that you know when to toss in your ideas and when to bite your tongue (STOP NAMING BODY PARTS!  Jeebus!)




— there are delicate yet powerful egos involved, (Leggo Our ego.)




and you wouldn’t want to tick any one of them off!  (We might wanna PISS ‘em off, though, and We will, as soon as We figger out which one of YouPeople is the penis of the organization.)




(We just mistyped “penis” as “pensi”.  Micro$oft Weird™ naturally marked it as misspelled, but did not offer “penis” as a suggested correction.  That, to Us, pretty much sums up everything that’s wrong with Micro$oft Weird™. (Like your scrotum, there it is in a nutshell.))






Don’t get hung up on titles (Get hung up, instead, on titties…one people or two?   A different people (or two different peoples) for the nipples?)




— it could be holding you back.  (STOP THAT!)




Though you are totally individual, (Also indefatigably indivisible.  (As well as magically delicious.))




(What was the question?)




you’ve got a crazy knack for tracking down like-minded folks right now. (Like-minded folks being, of course, different from as-minded folks, but not necessarily different from ass-minded folks.  (Especially Matt Damon’s ass-minded folks.  (See how We brought that all full-circle?  (We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.))))




The sparks fly (As the Spanx™ fly off?)




as powerful personalities come together and create all kinds of new trouble.  (Or that.)




In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.