Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For Friday, May 31th, 2013. We have just learned that yesterday, May 30rd, was the 150th day of the year. We have no idea why We should care about that, but We offer it up here for your edification, lest you should say We never tell you anything.
Happy Birthday to Jonathan, who turns twenty-four today. Possibly in Atlanta. Georgia. The one they burned down in The War Of Northern Aggression. Which was approximately 150 years ago. Co-inky-dink? We think not.
Get Our numerologist on the phone. And tell that fucker to buy Us a PowerBall™ ticket.
Here, because We clearly have absolutely nothing this morning (did We actually just bark orders to Our non-existent personal assistant?), courtesy of Nancy in Minnesota (hi, Nancy in Minnesota (how is it possible that We actually know TWO people in Minnesota? (Minnesota, for those of you who are geographically challenged (much like Our Own Self), is where Mary Tyler Moore threw up her hat. (Brazil is where the nuts come from. But that’s not important right now.)))), is this video. It is Safe For Work, unless butt-dancing in your ergonomic chair is prohibited in your workplace. Because you WILL. Butt-dance, that is. Unless you are not sitting down, in which case you will dance outright. Including your butt.
Here it is:
We are still waiting for a third occurrence of the number 150. Of course, We are also still waiting for Johnny Depp to ring Our doorbell. (You got that “ring Our doorbell” was a euphemism, right? We don’t even have an ACTUAL doorbell.)
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, tonight and tomorrow, at 7:30 at L’Etage. More info here: https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/ We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.) come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.
Speaking of the WaitStaff, they will be holding auditions for a woman to join in their Fringe shennanigantics. Let Us know if you are interested, and We shall hook you up. Because We’re connected like that.
And now the HorrorScopes:
Speaking of information nobody else is going to be sharing with you, and on the subject of Atlanta (because, look high and low though We might, We could find no one whose 150th birthday was today), today is the birthday of Atlanta-based rapper, Waka Flocka Flame. You’re welcome.
This would ordinarily be where We would set forth That AssHat Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations), and proceed to resoundingly mock them. However, We have been, of late, consorting with an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) on an entirely different level, and We thought We’d share her latest e-pisstle with you, sans mockeration:
Greetings Eric ~
Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.
A quote from a Wordsworth poem is coming to Madame Olivia's mind: "Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers." But look at the whole poem: he also says "We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!" Madame Olivia is not insensible to the necessity of making one's way. All the same, don't let go of the important things, i.e. don't sacrifice the loves of your life on the altar of success. Down with sordid boons! Up with happiness!
Now, Aries, Madame Olivia hates to tamper with the wonderful way you take charge and make things happen. Really, it's admirable, and even when people complain, notice that they're letting you lead the way. Nevertheless, it can't hurt to revisit mindfulness. Slow down and listen to a few other opinions before you jump in right now.
A water theme will soon present itself.
Madame Olivia sends to you her own positive energy and best wishes for your continued journey.
Sigh. Wordsworth AND “sordid boons”. Fuck you, Kelli.
(Meanwhile, We would totally eat the shit out of a Keebler™ cookie called “Sordid Boons”…wouldn’t you?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.