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Friday, August 30, 2013

Red red wine





Hello, Ducks!






Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriedEgg, August 30nd , 2013.




Happy Birthday to Kylen, who does NOT turn twenty-four today somewhere in College. 




Please go and buy tickets for Our Fringe show,  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour:  





Seriously, people.  So far, We have sold THREE.  We are NOT making this up.  Tell your friends, etc.  We have been a little preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We haven’t quite been the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.




(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”.  You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you?  If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)




There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.




Our script, meanwhile, awaits finishing touches.  Also, an ending.  So We really need to hurry this along.




And here is the HorrorScope:




Our “celebrity” birthday website wants Us to know that Chester A. Arthur’s wife, Ellen, was born today.  Thanks, “celebrity birthday website!




And, in an effort to finish this quick, fast, and in a hurry, here in lieu of the blatherings of Kelli, the AssHattiest AssHat To Ever Have AssHatted, We ask the musical question, do any of YouPeople ever click on the “Your Your-O-Scopes” link?  If not, today We have done it for you:



Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Continue hiding.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...


In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Thursday, August 29, 2013

One way or another




Hello, Ducks!







Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, August 29nd , 2013.




Happy Birthday to Meghan, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Which is a very small fishing nation wedged between Estonia and Latvia.  (Today’s e-pissode will consist entirely of stolen and recycled jokes, as We are saving all of Our Fresh New Jokes for the completion of Our Looking for Uranus  script. (Do We have any Fresh New Jokes?  Where are the Fresh New Jokes?  Did We forget to order Fresh New Jokes?  GODDAMMITTTTT!!!!))






So the KickStarter for Our Fringe show,  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , was successful.  We were watching as the “seconds left” counter ticked to zero.   There really needed to be a sound effect.  And possibly cake.  But We are certainly not complaining.  Thank you to everyone who contributed, and everyone who helped by sharing the info with their friends.




Now it’s time to GO BUY TICKETS:  


There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.




Our script, meanwhile, awaits finishing touches.  Also, an ending.  So We really need to hurry this along.




And here is the HorrorScope:




Liam Payne of One Direction is twenty today.  Sigh.




And, in an effort to finish this quick, fast, and in a hurry, here in lieu of the blatherings of Kelli, the AssHattiest AssHat To Ever Have AssHatted, a reading from Madame Olivia:




Greetings Eric ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia has a paradoxical thought about procrastination: it can sometimes be put to good use. If, for example, you are trying to resist an unwholesome impulse, like eating or drinking or doing a certain thing, try telling yourself I'll do it later. In short, put it off! This will give you time to distract yourself and strengthen your sense of personal control, and thus increase your life satisfaction quotient. Try it.

Little Aries, Madame Olivia knows you like to win and hopes you don't feel guilty about it, as this can rob you of strength. Just go for it and let your inborn kindness to others flourish at the same time. You will find that the combination of ambition and kindness is unbeatable. You'll get what you want and honestly, everybody else will be the better for it too.

Portentous color for you now: any purple

Madame Olivia sends to you her own positive energy and best wishes for your continued journey.


In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Operator? Information. Get me Jesus on the line.




Hello, Ducks!






Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, August 28st, 2013.




Happy Birthday to Johnny, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Johnny is the third of Our Three Sons in the murder mystery.  (We say “third” only because he was the third of them that We met/worked with; We certainly love all of Our Three Sons equally, and we do not discriminate amongst them and their skinny jeans.)




It occurs to Us that We have waxed rhapsodic on the subject of Our Three Sons before (complete with an arcane Fred MacMurray reference), so, lest We repetitively and reiteratively repeat Ourself, We shall simply refer you to said rhapsodic waxation here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/07/we-are-si-mese-if-you-prease.html




Oh, and Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all. (We don’t suppose there’s any chance anybody would trundle over in mid-monsoon for a little hump?  (What hump?  (Oh, look: just Our luck, Marty Feldman is here. (Which is especially charming, as he’s been dead since 1982.))))





There is less than a day left on the KickStarter for Our Fringe show,  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , which can be found here:   





…so if you had planned to contribute, but haven’t yet, now is the time.  As of tomorrow, We shall shut up about it (except for thanking people profusely) and start exhorting (ooooohhhhh!!!!) you to buy tickets:






There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: 

https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.



Our script, meanwhile, awaits finishing touches.  Also, an ending.  So We really need to hurry this along.




And here is the HorrorScope:




Well, never mind Leo Tolstoy and Johann von Goethe; move over, Jason Priestley and Emma Samms…it is Honey Boo Boo’s birthday!  Dear Lord Jeebus.



Communication needs to be short and sweet today — so make sure that you’re quick and to the point. (K.)




That can be easy in person, but make sure your writing is cut back as much as possible.  (Oh, great.  Way to inspire those finishing touches and that ending.  AssHat.)




You’ll be seeking injustice today, because you know what it feels like to be treated unfairly. (Get a fucking proofreader.  Jeebus.)




This compassion will force you to butt into a situation you feel isn’t right. (Have you SEEN Our butt lately?  Honey, if We “butt in” to a situation, that pretty much guarantees the end of the situation, its participants, and most of the innocent bystanders. K?)




Friends will admire your principled ways and call you a hero when you stop a silly situation from rapidly growing into a heated argument. (Being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really: who wants to know?), We are now wondering what differentiates a heated argument from a reheated argument, or a preheated argument?)



(It isn’t easy being Us.  Or green.  One of those.)




Though you strive to avoid conflict, you simply can’t ignore this one.  (Sorry…did you say something?)




Besides, it feels good to fight for the little guy.  (Especially if he is wearing skinny jeans.  And carrying a big stick.)




You’ve got the number (69?)




— now make the call! (Order before midnight tonight and receive a free set of Ginsu steak knives.!  For all that Ginsu steak you eat!  You fucking pig!)




(Micro$oft Weird™ has put a green squiggly line under “You fucking” in the preceding sentence, meaning that it believes something is amiss with the grammar therein.  As improvements to said grammar, it offers the suggestions “You fuck”, “You are fucking”, and “You were fucking”.  Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™.  You fuck.)




Consider what you want to say for no longer than one minute and then pick up that phone. (Hey, this script business would go a lot faster if We could dick-tate it to somebody over the phone…any takers?)




 If you’re feeling oddly shy, (Oh, We are.  Demure, even.)




an email can get your message across. (Oh, please.  We actually mailed a LETTER the other day.  We sure hope it’s gotten there by now.)




In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.