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Monday, September 30, 2013

I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts






Hello, Ducks!






Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManTitzMonday, September 30rd , 2013.  Happy The Queen’s Birthday to all of Our Australian readers down under, watching their toilet water go down the wrong way.



That was positively lyrical, wunnit?  Sittin’ on the dock of the bay…watching Our turds go down the wrong way…




Kiss Us quick, We’re Otis Redding’s proctologist.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Eric, (no, not THAT Eric…although feel free to send cards, gifts, and Strip-O-Grams™) who turned twenty-four this weekend right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Belated Birthday also to Patricia (who may or may not be “THAT Patricia”, because We have no idea which Patricia you might be thinking of (although she’s NOT the Australian one)), who also too turned twenty-four this past weekend.



And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Chad, who turned not-quite-twenty-four this past weekend Somewhere In Jersey (yes, THAT Jersey).



In other news, from the Just In Case You Thought You Didn’t Have Enough To Worry About Already Department, We just learned that ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PEOPLE are killed every year by falling coconuts.




Oh, and Universe?  We are too busy to have this cold AGAIN.



And what, you ask, are We been so busy with?  Well, trying to get you to stop using prepositions with which to end sentences, for one thing.  But, more importantly, with remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137





And here is the HorrorScope:




Meanwhile, in celebrity birthdays, Chances Are…Johnny Mathis is a fag.  Also, Greg Brady (aka Barry Williams) is FIFTY-NINE.  Which is, in a bizarre coincidence, the age Robert Reed (who played his father, Mike Brady) was when he died.



[Insert Twilight Zone theme music here.]




Your brave heart is legendary, (Well, that’s as may be, but We certainly hope you don’t think We’re painting Our face blue.)




so take the time to choose your battles with care today. (Also, your bottles.)




The right word or action at the right time — hard as it may be — can make life far better for everyone concerned.  (So many words, and all We heard was “hard” and “better”.)




Your energy is positively bursting out of you today, (Damn control-top pantyhose are out of control again.)




shining bright light and positivity on everyone you will encounter. (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT sounds like Us.)




To make the best use of all of this contagious enthusiasm, dive into projects or adventures that involve a lot of other people — the more diverse the group is, the better!  (Didja ever get the feeling that you’d totally stumbled into Someone Else’s Horoscope?)




You are especially well-tuned toward other cultures and beliefs, and your mind is wide open to new concepts.  (We are so open-minded that everything has fallen out.)




There are important insights out there that you are finally ready to understand.  (Speaking of understanding, so you’re telling Us the INsights are OUT THERE?  Jigga what?)




So go see into them!  (Actually, for maximum confusion, that should probably be “so go OUT THERE and see INto them”.  AssHatt.)




(That was not a typo.  We have now decided that “AssHatt” looks better with two Ts.)




Working on home projects and just getting organized is a great way to spend the day — especially since busy hands let your heart and soul ponder things in a positive way. (We are “working on” selling tickets to Our show.  Go buy some, won’t you: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137 ?)




 Sort it all out, at home and inside. (Again, with the “in” and “out”.  And not in (heh) a good way.)



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Friday, September 27, 2013

She works hard for the money






Hello, Ducks!






Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, September 27st, 2013.  We have been so hard at work here this morning at Casa de Crackpot that We weren’t even going to e-pisstlize.  But then We realized that it is Corinna’s birthday, and We had to wish Corinna a Happy Birthday.  After all, We once saw her eat Good’n’Plenty™ with the Devil.



So Happy Birthday to Corinna, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.



And what, you ask, have We been so busy with?  Well, trying to get you to stop using prepositions with which to end sentences, for one thing.  But, more importantly, with remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137





And here is the HorrorScope:




So in celebrity birthday news, it would appear that Corinna shares her special day with Wilfred Brimley, Gwyneth Paltrow, Shaun Cassidy, and Meat Loaf. Now, who wouldn’t pay cash money to see a play with Corinna and THAT cast?  Leave your very best suggestions as to just what play that might be in the comments below.




Extra credit if it’s a musical.




Extra extra credit if Wilfred Brimley has a nude scene.




That being about all the excitement We can take for one day, We shall leave you, in lieu of AssHat Kelli’s blatherings, with a reading from Madame Olivia:


Greetings Eric ~
          
Welcome to Madame Olivia. It's lovely to have you back.

A dear friend of Madame Olivia's says that when she goes to bed at night she banishes the worries of the day by envisioning a gentle waterfall cascading over her, washing the cares from her head, shoulders, waist, all the way down and off her toes.

(So you’re saying she gets her cootchie power-washed?  (Sorry…We couldn’t resist.  Carry on…))

What a gentle imagining. And cleansing. Madame Olivia has tried it and finds it a wonderfully soothing nighttime ritual.
(Slut. (Oooops…never mind.))


Aries, part of your life task is self-expression. You've got the management thing pretty well in hand, but where is the real you? What you're going through may be unsettling, but in the process you will lose a husk of repression. You're going to make some wonderful discoveries. Believe it: blossoming will ensue.

Important color for you at this time: ruby red

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.




In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed






Hello, Ducks!






Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThirdThristyThursday, September 26nd, 2013.




Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Scott, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.   Also too also, Happy Birthday to Noah, who also too also turns twenty-four today. In Wilmington.  Dela-Where. (We say that, of course, to distinguish it from Wilmington.  North Carolina.  And swimming pools.  Movie stars.)



Lest you imagine that We’re finally going to shut up about the Fringe, there is now an article flying about the WorldWideInterWebNetz that purports to identify “The best of the 2013 Philly Fringe”.  We shan’t dignify it by linking to it.  It is written, interestingly, by the critic who had press passes for the WaitStaff’s show the night We did box office for them, and didn’t show up to review the show, i.e., DO HIS JOB. (If you’ve ever been made redundant from a job you were ACTUALLY DOING, you will understand how much this pisses Us off.)




In his first paragraph, this paragon of journalistic integrity admits that it is impossible to discern the best of the Fringe, because no one person can see the whole thing. He then turns loose a bunch of his friends, all of whom, as near as We can tell, were actual participants in the 2013 Fringe, to inform the rest of Us ignorant great unwashed as to what best bestestes that ever bested We were such Philistines as to have missed.




Oddly enough, everything “best” that happened in the 2013 Fringe apparently happened in either the only six shows these cognoscenti deigned to see, or else in shows in which they actually participated.



It is thus made clear that the rest of Us should just never even bother getting out of bed in the morning.




Puke.




In more cheerful WorldWideInterWebNetzian meme news, there is a video going around that demonstrates that showing gratitude makes people happy.  (We WOULD link to this one, but We can’t seem to unearth it at the moment.)  We Our Own Self Personally would be extremely grateful if the narrator of said video would drop by OurHouseWhereWeLive, wearing nothing but his white lab coat, and make Us Very Happy.  KThxBye.




In still other news, We have an email from the Theatre Alliance telling Us that “A Clown Teacher Needs Housing”.  Why wouldn’t he just stay in his car?





And here is the HorrorScope:




Speaking of swimming pools, movie stars, Donna Douglass (Ellie Mae Clampett) is eighty today.  Put THAT in your Daisy Dukes and smoke it.  (Speaking of Daisy Duke, she (Catherine Bach) is currently on The Young and the Rest of Us, and looks like crap. )




You need to clarify a few things in your own mind before you can feel comfortable speaking out.  (Have you met Us?  We are an Aries; speak out now, clarify butter.)




It’s a good time to think through the issues and see what’s most important to you.  (Oddly, that doesn’t sound like a good time to Us.)
 


 Keeping things on a lighter note now paves the way to smooth communication. (Does smooth communication require a smooth operator?  Inquiring minds want to know…)




(Kiss Us quick, We’re Sade.)




 Of course, if you want to address some heavy stuff, that’s your prerogative. (Was that a fat joke?)




Before you get into it, though, make sure you have what you want to say crystal-clear in your head (This is a job for Crystal Meth!)




— thinking it through one extra time wouldn’t hurt. (Then it wouldn’t really be “extra” now, would it?)





And while you think your position is the only viable one, (Which, of course, it IS.)




don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)




if you get an argument about it.  (No, you didn’t.)





Impressing people isn’t easy, (It is, however, easier than getting them to show up so you have the opportunity of impressing them.)




 but today you’ve got at least a few people hanging on your every word.  (Are they well hung?)




Your insights inspire those who need it, (Don’t they, though?)




which makes you one hot property!  (Mmm-hmm.)


In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.