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Thursday, October 31, 2013

We’ve got an opening (heh) for a princess





Hello, Ducks!



             
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowbackThursdayAtThurgoodMarhsall’sHouse, October 31nd, 2013.



It being the third day in a row of Our having no personal and/or SitOnMyFaceBook acquaintances’ birthdays to celebrate, We shall just point out that, in addition to the horror of Halloween, both Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice were born today. (Not, We hasten to Aunt Clarify, in the same year.)



Our WorldWideInterWebNetz, meanwhile, are all a-Twatter with the sentiment that, if Willow Smith were (subjunctively) to strap on a little white penis and slather on some whiteface to go trick-or-treating as Vanilla Ice, that would be perfectly fine, but if Vanilla Ice were to slap on some Ben Nye™ Light Egyptian and whip his hair back and forf (does Vanilla Ice still have hair?) to go trick-or-treating as Willow Smith, that would somehow be racist. Which it may well be, but, if you intend to convince Us, you will need to make a better argument than, “Well, it just is, because it IS.”



Of course, you are not reading this e-pisstle to hear Us hold forf on weighty issues like racism.  (You ARE reading this out loud, aren’t you?)  You are reading it to hear Us imagine Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice going trick-or-treating as each other, TOGETHER, and, more to the point, what Will and Jada will say when they find out that a forty-six year old man has taken their thirteen year old daughter trick-or-treating.



In other completely random celebrity news, We had a dream the other night in which The Sainted Mother and all of her sisters (no idea where her brothers were) had gathered together because their mother was in the hospital. All of her sisters, We should say, but one, and it was, consequently, left  up to Us to explain the situation, over the phone, to The Sainted Mother’s absent sister…Carol Burnett.  Carol, naturally, had her own point of view regarding the situation, which she seemed to think was entirely Sally Struthers’s fault.  (Well, Carol called her “Gloria”, but We KNEW who she meant.)



Speaking of dreams, in the wake of all of Our recent “Picturing People Naked” Weeks, We would like you all to know that, as We move into a brand new month, We shan’t be picturing anybody naked for a while.  No, indeed, We shan’t be Envisioning Allen’s Tomahawk, or Tiptoeing Through The Tulips Of Kevin’s Manscaping, or Picturing…well, We never DID actually SEE Peter naked, but a girl can dream, can’t she?  There will be no more conjuring up images of Lex’s eggroll, only to re-conjure them half an hour later when We are hungry again, and no more imagining what tricks or treats are nestled like sugarplums in OurThreeSons’ Jeggings™. (Is it warm in here, or is it just Us?)



We trust that none of these lovely gentlemen will expire from the dearth of attention.  And We sincerely hope they will keep perusing these e-pisstles, despite their absence from their pages. Perhaps they will even deign to explain how it is that We didn’t receive so much as a single sext after almost of month of this shameless behavior…




Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.



Urban Dictionary wants Us to know that an example of a “bad porno pun” is “You’ve Got Male Genitalia” as a play on “You’ve Got Mail”.  Thanks, Urban Dictionary.



Meanwhile, in the interests of holiday spirit, here’s this:






                                            
and this:








And here is the HorrorScope:




That little pain in your foot  (What about that little pain in Our assz?)




or digestive issue may start to flare up today — so pay careful attention and try not to make it worse. It’s a good day to follow up with health care professionals.  (Wait…is this a horoscope, or a rectal exam?)




The people closest to you are starting to see you in a brand new light right now.  (That’s because Our duodenum glows in the dark.)




Maybe it’s the changes you’ve been making in your life, maybe it’s the changes that they’ve made in theirs.  (Maybe Allen’s tomahawk is helicoptering while Lex plays “Hide-the-Eggroll”.)



(Oooops… We forgot Ourself.)




Either way, this is a day when you will see little if any conflict happening.   (Sez you.  Bitch.)




(Heh.  See what We did there?)




Everyone is on your side, (Or Our back…one of those.)




and they all agree with your ways of thinking. (Yeah. THAT could happen.)




All of this wonderful collaboration means one thing — progress!  (An example of how Our mind works:  We are looking at the word “progress”.  It causes Us to neologize the word “frogress”.  Which is either some feminine form of “frog” or a cross between a “frog” and an “ogress”.  Which then makes Us wonder why there even IS a feminine form of “ogre”, because, really?  If you’ve got an ogre to deal with, do you really care if it’s a man or a woman?  On the other hand, if it’s a frogress, you MIGHT want to know about gender, because, if you kiss it, you might want to know if you’re getting a prince or a princess.  As the majority of people would in fact, have a preference.)



(Prince Harry naked.)




(Vacation timeshares in (what passes for) Our mind are now being booked through early 2014.)





You could finish up everything today if you pull everyone together.  (But there are seven of ‘em…well, EIGHT, counting Prince Harry…and We’ve only got two hands.)



There’s lots of silly little details to take care of today, (There certainly are…so We’d best wrap this up.)




though you’d rather focus on the larger, sweeter, more romantic side of life. (Oh, great…keep talking like that, and We’ll NEVER stop picturing those people naked.)






Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

All the boys think she’s a spy






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October 30rd, 2013.




It has come to what passes for Our attention that We have not a single SitOnOurFaceBook friend with a birthday listed for yesterday, today, or tomorrow.  What this means, obviously, is that, having planned their Halloween costumes around their pregnancies, pregnant women clench all the way through till November 1th.



Insert “Mischief Night” and “bobbing for apples” jokes here.




As We have no birthdays to celebrate, We shall get directly to Our main point, which is a SitOnOurFaceBook status/conversation from last night, presented in its entirety and without editorial comment.  The names have been changed to protect the indigent:




Denise Huxtable (2 hours ago near New York, NY ):
“Watching Halloween with Jamie Lee Curtis and The Boyfriend.”

One Of Our Daughter’s (Many) Ex-Husbands:  “Yours or hers?”

Starzina:  “Wait...Jamie Lee Curtis is at your house?!? How cool is that! (Whatever she says, don't eat any yogurt.)”

Denise Huxtable: “Ambiguous prepositional phrases!”

Starzina: “Not even an Oxford comma would have helped you there!”

Some Rando:  “It's not even clear whether you're watching "Halloween" or watching the holiday approaching.”

Some Rando:  “This post is a hermaphrodital mess!”

Denise Huxtable: “With The Boyfriend, I'm watching Halloween, which stars Jamie Lee Curtis. Happy Halloween, assholes!”

Some Rando:  #"Halloween"

Starzina: “Meanwhile, The Boyfriend stars Twiggy...but there's no way you could mix her up with Jamie Lee Curtis...barring some unfortunate gastrointestinal/yogurt debacle incident...Sigh. I'm so confused. Plus, your life is so much more interesting than mine.”

Denise Huxtable: “Participles and prepositions are totes interesting. To really make everyone jell-jells, though, we DVR'd dis shit LAST Monday night. Hells to da mm-hmm.”

Starzina: “I just came in my Tuesday panties (which are actually Depends™ (which I've been wearing since LAST Tuesday))...I've never DVRed ANYTHING...is that like BetaMaxing stuff onto your eight-track?”

Denise Huxtable: “Ask Kim Carnes. She'll tell ya.”

Starzina: “I heard she's got Bette Davis's eyes.”

Starzina: “Of course, I heard that on the gramophone.”

Denise Huxtable: “You're precocious.”

Starzina: “Oh you kid.”

Starzina: “(I wasn't quite sure how to punctuate that.)”

Denise Huxtable: “If this exchange does not inspire the horoscope tomorrow, I am totes skimming from now on!”

Starzina: “Also, TWENTY-THREE SKIDOO!!!”

Denise Huxtable: “When in doubt, try an Oxford comma, a llama, or a double entendre.”

Starzina: “I am picturing you naked AS WE SPEAK.”

Denise Huxtable: “But we iz typing, not speaking.”


Starzina: “Iz a figger of speech. Much like a Dalai Lama double entendre...which only happens in the very BEST circuses.”

Some Other Rando: “By "The Boyfriend", you mean Denise Huxtable’s Other Half, Denephew Huxtable? You know how much I love CAPITALIZATION, but that doesn't really serve any purpose.”

Denise Huxtable: “Ah, but I think it does serve a purpose….”




And there you have it, ladies and genitals, just a little glimpse into what happens here at Casa de CuckooForCocoaPuffs™ when We’re NOT e-pisstlizing for your edification and reading pleasure.




You’re welcome.




So now in addition to  waiting vainly by Our rotary phone for so much as one sext following Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, and Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, and What’s In OurThreeSons’ Jeggings? Week With A Side Of Sext From Lex, We are additionally waiting vainly by Our phone for same from Denise Huxtable (and Denise Huxtable’s Other Half, Denephew Huxtable (not to mention One Of Our Daughter’s (Many) Ex-Husbands)).  Sigh.




Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.





And here is the HorrorScope:




Happy celebrity birthday to Sue Carol, star of Girls Gone Wild.  (The fillum from 1929, that is.  (What, that’s NOT what Our str8 boi readers were thinking of?))





The details may get frustrating today, as you find people focusing too much on the small stuff and ignoring the big picture. (Sorry…did you say something?)




Still, you’ve got to follow their lead, even if it means you’re neck-deep in spreadsheets.  (That’s how We got pregnant in the first place…We were swimming in spreadsheets where some boys were.)




Good news is coming in regard to a health issue today, and it will help clear your mind of a lot of stress and worry that has been crowding your life for the past several days.  (So even though Our water broke on Monday, We can hold this sucker in till Friday, and NOT ruin Our Halloween costume?  Alrighty, then.)




But this doesn’t mean you should slow down on the healthy track (Or the healthy crack.)




you’ve been going down. (Heh.  AssHatt said “going down”.)




Keep eating healthy,  (Who’s ”healthy”?)




keep thinking healthy, and definitely keep exercising!  (Yeah, We’ll get right on that.)




Keep up the good work — you will thank yourself for it later.  (Oh, sure…on top of all the OTHER crap We have to do four Ourself, now We gotta thank Ourself, too.)



It’s not exactly brain surgery, you know. (What the hell does brain surgery have to do with delivering Our baby?)




When you feel good physically, you’re twice as hot. (As what?)




For now, your energy gives you extra talent to any efforts to get yourself fit and healthy. (We have re-read that sentence three times.  It makes no goddamn sense. Shut. Up. Kelli.)







Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.