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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Over Joan Rivers and through the woods





Hello, Ducks!



             
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Thanksgiving Eve, November 27rd, 2013.   We just dropped in (to see what condition Our condition was in (Gawd, We’re old (as are you, if you recognized that lyric)) to wish everyone Happy Turkey, share this picture of Our Aunt B cooking Our Thanksgiving dinner, and Picture Bryan’s Birthday Suit.



Meanwhile, may We please tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week?  Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?




Speaking of this past weekend, We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.



And here’s the HorrorScope:



Happy Jaleel White’s birthday.




We offer today’s HorrorScope sans callbacks.  Feel free to add your own.

You need to show someone how useful you can be — so volunteer to help out or show off your previous work. Things are looking good as long as you are focusing your energy outward.   Today it’s a great day to have a good time while you’re getting things done. If you add some flirtation and some flattery to critical conversations, you will be amazed at the results. You are surrounded by people who are very fun-loving, right now, and they could even teach you a thing or two about how to have a good time. Your social circle is widening right now, and while you might experience some growing pains, you will love where it all takes you.  Instead of immediately trying to critically assess that new person, try to give them some time to fully exhibit their many fine qualities. What seems freaky at first could become quite endearing.


Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I left my little suitcase in Berlin






Hello, Ducks!



             
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 26rd, 2013.   Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Also, Happy Birthday to Steven, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater New Jerseya.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Jane, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too (We think) somewhere in Greater New Jerseya, albeit elsewhere.



Lettuce just assume (thereby showing Uma Thurman’s ass to Hume Cronyn (which is no mean feat, considering he’s dead)) that We’ve made a “nausea” joke out of “Greater New Jerseya” and move on, shall We?



We really must hurry on apace, both willy and nilly, as We have a JAWB today.  In Berlin.  (Before you faint dead away from the glamour of it all, We shall hasten to add that We mean Berlin, New Jerseya.  Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, today, We shall get to ride not only SEPTA but also PATCO, following which We shall be whisked away from Lindenwold in a specially commissioned taximeter cabriolet to beautiful downtown Berlin, where a scant half hour of Our time is worth a hundred dollars.  Much like the cheap hooker that We aspire to be.)



We are fairly certain that We were in elementary school (which is odd, the internal combustion engine not having been invented yet) when We first learned that “taxi cab” was short for “taximeter cabriolet”.  How glamorous!  One can only imagine Sherlock Holmes, as played, of course, by Basil Rathbone, crying out, “Quick, Watson, the game is afoot!  Lettuce hire a taximeter cabriolet at once!”



Of course, if your name were (subjunctively) Basil Rathbone, you’d probably say things like, “Lettuce hire a taximeter cabriolet at once!” even when you weren’t playing Sherlock Holmes, but that’s beside the point.




If only We had more time, We could delve further into all these games with feet Holmes was always playing, and analyze his obvious foot fetish.



Speaking of the weekend, We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.



Meanwhile, may We please tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week?  Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?



And here’s the HorrorScope:



It is not Basil Rathbone’s birthday.  It is, however, Tina Turner’s.  Howzzat for a non sequitur?




Also, in honor of the upcoming holiday, you will notice above a picture of Marlo Thomas with a turkey.  You’re welcome.




In the interests of expediting the proceedings, instead of AssHatt Kelli’s blatherings, today A Reading From Madame Olivia:




Greetings Eric ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia would like to point out to you that numerous studies show that people who strongly value the pursuit of wealth and possessions report lower psychological well-being than people who are less concerned with these things. You are clearly not an über-materialist, but perhaps some thinking about this is in order, in the interest of, you know, balance. And perspective.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia can see that you are venturing into some new territory these days, which is perfectly consistent with the planetary movement: think Uranus. Despite your much-vaunted esprit, you too are sometimes assailed by doubts. Go ahead and entertain them: some choices loom in the near future which merit close inspection. Just because people are expecting you to leap in doesn't mean either that you must or that it's a good idea right now. Let your head rule your heart in the coming days.

Phrase of the hour: Let it be Bryan's Birthday Suit

It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.




“Think Uranus.”  Ya gotta love her!



Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Monday, November 25, 2013

Penn-sylvania SIX FIVE THOUSAND





Hello, Ducks!



             
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadgeTheManicuristMonday, November 25rd, 2013.   Happy Birthday to OurAuntSandy, who turns twenty-four today.  In Kansas.  In, or at least near, Kansas City, Kansas.  Which is like New York City, New York.  Except that it’s in Kansas.  And partially in Missouri.  Which is very confusing.  So actually, it’s nothing like New York City, New York whatsoever.



(We were about to speculate on why, since Kansas has Kansas City (or at least part of it), and New York has New York City, and even New Jersey has Jersey City, why then does Pennsylvania not have Pennsylvania City, but then We imagined having to fill out forms with “Pennsylvania City, Pennsylvania”,  and We decided We’d rather send the whole fucking thing to Missouri.)



As We may have mentioned before within these e-pisstles, We are seriously geographically challenged.  Which is no wonder, when you consider that, on Our trip to Kansas this summer, We discovered that, actually, sometimes We were in Kansas and sometimes We were in Missouri.  And the ground did not conveniently change from one pastel color to another  to tell Us the difference.  We had lunch in Kansas City the day We left…We’re STILL not entirely sure what state We were in.



Speaking, meanwhile, of New York, New York, Happy Birthday also to Cole, who turns twenty-four up there in The City That Never Sleeps (With Us) today.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.




In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Jefrey, and Mark, and ATotallyDifferentSandyWhoIsNotOurAunt, each of whom turns twenty-four today in or near the environs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.



And last but not Lee Strasberg, plunging Ourselves into a geographic panic attack, Happy Belated Birthday to Nat and Amanda, in Canada and Australia, respectively.  Which, We are informed, are two totally different countries!  Different countries, that is, from each other, AND from this one!  We may have to go lie down…



Speaking of the weekend, We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y 


You’re welcome.



Meanwhile, may We please tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week?  Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?



And here’s the HorrorScope:



Speaking of different countries, it is Ricardo Montalban’s birthday today.  He, of course, is from Fantasy Island.  And speaking of Fantasy Island, it is also Gaspard Ulliel’s birthday.  He is from Frawnce, by way of Heaven.




Your fiery energy is ready for almost anything today (Well, that’s good.  Because We Our Own Self Personally are barely ready for the phrase “your fiery energy”.)




— so get ready for some crazy antics!  (To say nothing of madcap antics!  And zany antics!  And wacky antics!  And lesbian Aztecs!  And Presbyterian fanfic!  And sem antics!)




(Sorry…We lost control for a minute there.)




It’s a good day for you to step up and take charge of a situation that has been going nowhere.  (Why do We feel as though she’s talking about Our life?  Is “nowhere” the same place as “Hell in a handbasket”?)




Today you will have a great chance to turn up the heat in your romantic relationship and make things sizzle like they have never sizzled before!  (Do things sizzle at Denny’s, or only at Sizzler?  Inquiring minds want to know.)




All you have to do is think about what will make your partner smile and then do it ten times bigger than you normally would. (Okay, now, that’s just dirty.)



 If you are not in a romantic relationship right now, you can still make a few changes. (Fine. We’ll switch hands.)




Surprise the people (SURPRISE!!!)




(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)




who are closest to you with your big gestures (Our middle finger is only but so big.)




and elaborate presentations. Whatever you do today, do it big!  (Shouldn’t that be “bigly”?  It’s an adverb, after all.)




(You did all sing “It’s an adverb after all” to the tune of “It’s A Small World After All”, didn’t you?  Because, if not, We’ll wait while you go back…)



You go for both truth and dare today (Because We?  Are a greedy bitch.)



when it comes to romance — you make amazing moves and tell it like it is in the sweetest ways. (You sweet fucker, Betty Crucker.)




It’s a hot way to play, (Not to mention a hard row to ho…)




so make the most of it. (Make the most of it BIGLY.)





Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.