Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, August TwennySixst, 2014.
Happy Belated Birthday to Michelle, who turned twenty-four yesterday right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, but who somehow fell off of Our list of the multitudes of birthday celebrants yesterday. Which was, you will recall, of legendary length. And, by association of ideas, at least one of whom We had seen naked.
Speaking of naked people, here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26. If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)
Meanwhile, thanks to the legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a bid in, check out the dates here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/and-he-said-you-can-call-me-joshua.html . (Especially if the phrase “legendary length” is not unfamiliar to you. (That particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere. Just sayin’.))
We intend, if We can remain in the spirit of accomplishment in which We currently find Ourself, to purchase Our tickets after this e-pisstle.
In other news, those who know Us personally (and, indeed, many who don’t) will be aware that We are passionately devoted to creative cursing. In fact, We fucking love it. Here is an article detailing some scientific research into swearing. It is fucking safe for work. http://www.vox.com/2014/8/26/6066069/swearing-science-obscenity-research
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
Today’s celebrity birthday is going to blow what passes for your mind. (That’s right, ladies and genitals: read Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, get a mental blowjob!)
Today is the birthday of actor Chris Burke, who played Corky-I-Have-Downs-Syndrome-As-Well-As-A-Last-Name-Which-We-Don’t-Remember on the 90s show Life Goes On. (Which, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) is better known in certain circles as That Time Patti Lupone Was On Television And It Wasn’t The Tony™ Awards.)
He is FORTY-NINE YEARS OLD.
It may not be the most exciting time you’ve ever had, but you still have to make sure that you’re covering all your bases and taking care of your mundane tasks. (For the second day in a row: Good lord, We really ARE in Virgo, aren’t We?)
Thing should start to pick up in a few days! (Well, sure…EVENTUALLY it’ll be Libra.)
A new person on the scene is providing a great deal of entertainment, so hang out with them for a while. (Is there a paycheck involved?)
They’ll distract you from a burning secret you’re just dying to tell everyone. (Maybe it’s Us, but if your secret is burning, you might want to look into some ointment…)
Having fun will help you hold on to this valuable information. (Hey, We’re perfectly willing to go along with a recommendation to have fun, no matter what it does.)
Still, accidents do happen. (That’s why We’re wearing Depends™.)
You can’t beat yourself up forever if you accidently let a juicy tidbit of gossip fall from your lips. (Oddly enough, it’s not actually gossip UNTIL it falls from your lips.)
All you can do is make the best of an awkward situation — people know when you’re being genuine. (And if We can fake being genuine, We’ve got it made.)
Romance can seem so serious sometimes (Especially when it doesn’t exist.)
— all the more reason to forget about it and have some silly fun! (Something something Silly String™.)
Take your niece to a children’s museum, for example, or to your local playground. (Even if We HAD a niece, what in the motherfucking fuckety fuck would taking her anywhere have to do with romance?)
(Speaking of swearing, when We just mistyped “motherfucking” as “motehrfucking”, Micro$oft Weird™ knew it was misspelled, but had no suggestions for how to spell it correctly. But then it recognized the correct spelling “motherfucking”. What the fuck?)
It’ll do wonders for your spirit. (Whatevs. We’re outtie.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.