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Friday, February 28, 2014

Time heals everything





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, February 28rd , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Erin, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.



Happy Birthday also to Our dear friend Maurice Bric A Brac.  Who lives, apparently, in Kentucky.  Because, it would seem, someone has to.  Here is Maurice in the very first e-pissode of his webseries, Please Consider Coming To My Restaurant…Or Not:




Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Greg, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).



You will notice that We are e-pisstling an e-pissode instead of AmCracking Our way northward to The Witch City.  This is because Our Salem gig has been postponed due to Monday’s incoming Winter Storm Tituba, or whatever.  (Back in Our day, We named Winter Storms “snow”.  (On the other hand, however, We did call The Wind “Mariah”, so what the fuck did We know?))



We shall keep you apprised of when Our Salem date is rescheduled.  Because We know you care.



And now, on a completely unrelated subject, We should like to tell you about a dream We had.  Our dream was about Our friend John (hi, John!), who, in Our dream, was the same person as Neil Patrick Harris.  (For all We know, he may be the same person as Neil Patrick Harris in real life, too…lord knows, We’ve never seen the two of them together in the same room.)



John/Neil and We had just graduated from high school together.  Along with, for reasons which are unclear to Us, Our friends Sara (hi, Sara!) and Dena (hi, Dena!).  (While incomprehensible, this is not so far-fetched as it might seem.  While We did not attend high school with John, Sara, Dena, or Neil Patrick Harris, We have it on good authority that each of these people, as well as We Our Own Self Personally, turned twenty-four on his or her last birthday, so We would all have graduated from high school at the same time.)



We were all helping John/Neil pack for his move to New York.  (That being, naturally, what friends are for, despite Dionne Warwick’s absence from Our dream.)  Because, of course, John/Neil is about to star in the revival of Hedwig.



At some point during the proceedings, some annoying underclassman girl, who did NOT graduate with Us, and Sara, and Dena, and John, and Neil Patrick Harris, and whom We did NOT recognize, and who was NOT helping Us pack, said to John/Neil, “I think you should get married.  To Nancy.”



To the best of Our knowledge, there was no one named “Nancy” present, and We had no idea who this Nancy was.  That did not, naturally, stop Us from snapping, “He’s already married.”



We were about to follow up with, “To a MAN”, but We decided that was just a little too Joan-Collins-On-Dynasty. (Why that would stop Us, We haven’t got any idea, but it was a DREAM, after all.)  So We decided to amend Our retort to be “To The-Man’s-Name”.  But then We didn’t know if We should name John’s husband Stefan, or Neil Patrick Harris’s husband David.



We did, however, know it would be really, really awkward if We named the wrong one.



So We woke up.






In still other news, We are poor, so We need to sell a lot of tickets to the following:



We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/462325460534871/



On Friday, March 7th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.



And on Saturday, March 8th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage: https://www.facebook.com/events/289403944541722/



Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?



And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber.  (Also, Happy Justin Bieber’s Birthday Eve.):




And here’s the HorrorScope:




Fuck this noise…it is Bernadette Peters’ birthday.  Which should be a national holiday.  So We’re taking the rest of the day off, and here’s a reading from Madame Olivia:




Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

It is clear to Madame Olivia that we would all do well to simplify, simplify! Studies show that the fewer possessions we have to worry about, the happier we are. Easier said than done, but a useful guide when you're debating about a nonessential purchase and a helpful push toward getting rid of stuff. A bit of weekly weeding is a personal goal of Madame Olivia's. Just a thought.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a thought for you. With both Neptune and little Chiron in Pisces, the spirit of connectedness is very much in the air. Is there somebody out there for whom you have good feelings, like love, or fondness, or appreciation, who would relish hearing you express those good feelings? You are generally so positive and kind that this might not occur to you, but could there be a forgotten soul out there who needs your sunlight? In MOHO (Madame Olivia's Humble Opinion) now is an excellent time to look at this and take action. The recipient will love it, especially coming from you, plus your own Personal Joy Quotient will soar.

Verb of the day: wonder

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Suicide is painless





Hello, Ducks!




Oh, look:  snow.




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, February 26rd , 2014.



Thanks to Noah for today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu.  It’s been a while since We found something so apt just when We were looking for it.  Which is ironic (don’t’cha think?), given the subject matter.  Kind of like opening your fly over your chardonnay.



(Is it just Us, or does everyone else think that the word “Chardonnay” sounds not so much like a wine, but totally like the name of a cheap hooker?)



Happy Birthday to Doug, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Walt, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.



We should not, by all rights, be e-pisstling this morning.  Not, as some of you might imagine, because We should already be on Our way to AmCrack to be wending Our way to Greater Bostonia, but because We are feeling stabby, and might inadvertently say The Wrong Thing.    (Why We get in so much trouble when We say The Wrong Thing, while everybody else gets to tritz all over the WorldWideInterWebNetz, saying The Wrong Thing both willy and nilly, recklessly and with gay abandon, and We aren’t even allowed to stab them in the eye is, needless to say (and yet, saying it anyway) a mystery to Us.)



And yet, as A Responsible Adult Human Being (We are NOT, of course, A Responsible Adult Human Being.  But We play one on TV), We must, unfortunately, bring you the following Public Service Announcement:



Thank you to everyone who in any way attempted to support Our upcoming show at Club Café in Boston, whether by planning to come, or by informing friends and family.  Unfortunately, due to the infamous Circumstances Beyond Our Control, said show has been cancelled, and will not be rescheduled.



We will, however, still be playing Our date in Salem:



On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground:




Now, for those of you haters who don’t think having Our show cancelled is punishment enough for Our hubris in attempting to share what We think of as Our gifts with the general public, We should like to point out that, due to the last-minute-ness of said cancellation, Our trip north to do one show is going to cost Us practically as much as it would have to do three.




We suffer to amuse you.  You’re welcome.




Also, math is hard.



What this means is, We definitely need to sell out the Salem show.  (We also need it to run for about a month, but that’s not so much going to happen.)  We also need to sell out the following:



When We return to The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/462325460534871/



On Friday, March 7th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.



And on Saturday, March 8th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage: https://www.facebook.com/events/289403944541722/




Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?



And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:





And here’s the HorrorScope:




It is Victor Hugo’s birthday.  Because We don’t feel like e-pisstlitizing anymore today, We return you now to the golden days of this time last year, when We reviewed the movie version of Les Miserables:








Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The best that you can do….






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, February 25rd , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Len, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, or at least the suburbs thereof. 



In cheerful news, meanwhile, it appears that We have been left unsupervised/to Our Own devices and have, consequently, Fucked. Up. Again.   And not in some little “oh, drat, forgot to put the trash out” way, neither.  More like one of those math word problems from school…you remember:  if a train leaves Poughkeepsie at a hundred and twenty miles per hour, and another train leaves Schenectady at eleventy-twelve kabillion miles an hour, and both trains are carrying nuclear explosives, how big a hole do they leave when they get caught between the moon and New York City?  



Why YouPeople can’t keep an eye on Us, We’ll never know.



The upcoming green bit, meanwhile, is a total repeat from Friday’s e-pissode.  The people who needed to read it and heed it obviously did not.  The rest of you may feel free to nakedly skim past it:

Switching gears (and, knowing Us, probably grinding them), We sometimes feel in here as though We are blowing onto a dead microphone like a dead-microphone-blowing idiot, saying, “Is this thing on?”  This past week has been like that, except not so much in here as out in what passes for The Real World.  Sigh.

We shall make an effort not to whine.



In still other news, We have begun having anxiety/panic attack dreams in anticipation of Our upcoming whirlwind of performance adventures.




Also, We could use your help, in a way that will not cost you any money nor require you to go anywhere.  If you have friends/relatives/associates/a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy in Greater Bostonia, please join Our SitOnMyFaceBook event for LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  this Friday, February 28th, at Club Café in Boston, so that you can INVITE YOUR GREATER BOSTONIAN FRIENDS (That last bit was the important part.) :





We could really use your help putting some butts in some seats at the preceding event.


We are also playing a date in Salem:

On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground:






When We return to The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/462325460534871/



On Friday, March 7th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.



And on Saturday, March 8th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage: https://www.facebook.com/events/289403944541722/



Somewhere in there (obviously AFTER all of that, We must make a plan (as should you) to see OurMizDonna in Lettice and Lovage (http://www.allenslane.org/ ).  MizDonna, is it true that they are doing Sunday matinees now?  Because We?  Are ALL ABOUT the Sunday matinees.  We shall don Our bluest wig…



(Notice how We have just assumed that OurMizDonna is in here?  She is A Faithful Gentle Reader of these e-pisstles.  And, while she may skim a bit, We suspect she does not do so nakedly, as she reads Us at her office…)




Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?



And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:




And here’s the HorrorScope:




So We opened Our HorrorScope this morning, and We were all excited, because it said:

“You’ve got people who can help you today — no matter what problems you face. “

Then We realized We were looking at Pisces.






It’s a great day to push for something new — your drive for success is powerful!  (Too damn bad We ain’t got a car.)




You may find it easier to work on your own, (THAT’S the HorrorScope We know and loathe.)




as most of your people are neck-deep in their own issues.  (If they are neck-deep in their own issues, they hardly qualify as “Our people”, now, do they?)




 The stars say to go and let ‘er rip. (So the stars tell fart jokes now?)




Have you been holding back? (ANOTHER fart joke?)




Now is the time to unleash your full potential. (And ANOTHER?!?)




That saying about ’use it or lose it’ is a lot more accurate than you think. (To say nothing of “fart it or shart it”.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))




So whatever it is that you’ve been too timid to say, do or wear — well, get ready to show the world what you have and a heck of a lot more. (Because nothing says “throwing off timidity” like using the word “heck”.)




That’s great for you — this kind of stuff can really get the romantic ball rolling!  (And there’s just nothing as romantic as rolling balls…)

(What?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.