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Monday, March 31, 2014

Why…are his trousers vermillion? Why…does he claim he’s Castillian? Why…do his friends call him “Lillian”?





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMantillaMonday, March 31th , 2014.



No one wears a mantilla anymore.  Why is that?



Bring back mantillas!  (Or should that be “mantillath”, as the Cathtillians would say? (Also, why is the adjective for “involving the wearing of mantillath” not “mantillaic”?))



She’s a mantilliac, mantilliac on the floor
And she danthes like she never did before…




Sorry.




In other news, it is a kitchen in a motherfucking ROWHOME, people.  How many consecutive days of pounding and drilling are required to remodel it? And what the hell are you remodeling it into?  An airplane hangar?  A cigar factory? A sex dungeon?  Jeebus!




(Where the hell did “cigar factory” come from? (Ah…mantillath, Carmen…kiss Us quick, We’re Georges Bizet.))




Toreador, Don Pardo…
Get on the floor; hump like a whore…




Who doesn’t love opera?  (Besides, ya know, everybody?)





Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile (it being nobody’s birthday (that We know of) today, which, with almost a thousand SitOnMyFaceBook “friends”, would seem to be nigh on mathematically impossible. (To say nothing of mantilliacally)), to Aileen, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere out in Amish country.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Mark, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere out BEYOND Amish country.





All this talk of the Amish has made Us hungry for shoo-fly pie.  And teenaged boys on Rumspringa…






We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:



Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:




Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.



And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, both Shirley Jones and Richard Chamberlain turn eighty today.  Having seen a recent publicity photo of each of them, and never having seen them in the same place at the same time, One was given to pondering whether all these years, Shirley Jones has just been Richard Chamberlain in drag.



Now, lest you imagine that We just make up such accusations out of whole cloth and fling them about both willy and nilly with no effort at corroboration, We are here to tell you that We are a veritable pillar of journalistic integrity.  Why, as soon as this nefarious conspiracy theory occurred to what passes for Our mind, We went directly to The Oracle Of Bacon  (http://oracleofbacon.org/) to ascertain whether there might be cinematic evidence to the contrary...that is, whether Ms. Jones and Mr. Chamberlain had ever appeared in a  fillum together. Not only have they not, but also, Richard “Shirley Jones” Chamberlain has never appeared in a fillum with Kevin Bacon, neither. In case you were wondering.



Cunning linguists among you will recognize the alarming degree of difficulty in the penultimate sentence of the preceding paragraph, in which We flawlessly execute the rare Quadruple Negative.  We are A Highly Trained Professional, people; do not attempt this at home.



In other news, Happy Equity Day Off to those who are enjoying Equity Day Off, most notably OurDearDoh…does that mean you are PlayDoh™?  Also, thank you for recommending House of Cards,  which is Our new television crack.




Today is all about spontaneity,  (And We have about a half an hour free for that at four thirty.  Please have your assistant confirm with Our assistant, and have Housekeeping set up coffee and tea service.)







so ignore your calendar items (Sorry…did you say something?)




and just try to wing it as much as possible.  (Alternatively, try to wang it as much as possible.  Because that sounds like more fun, dunnit?)




(Speaking of cunning linguistics, why has no one thought of “wang” as a verb before?)




With energy like yours, it’s hard to see how things could go wrong.  (Trust Us, it is NEVER hard to see how things could go wrong.)




(Also, with frenulums like yours, who needs enemas?)




Have fun with your people!  (Okey-dokey-artichokey!  Pull Our finger!)




You can cut to the chase in a way that few other people can match,  (And you should see Us cut the cheese.)




and that sincere desire to speak and hear the truth helps you out in all sorts of ways right now.  (What does any of that have to do with the brilliant fart joke We were constructing?)




A flash of insight can lead to you clearing the way for a new path. (That sounds an awful lot like work…)




You and a few close friends might not have thought it was possible, but go ahead and lead the way anyway.  (Fine…We shall be the first on Our block to wear a mantilla to the Ack-A-Me.)




Now’s a great time to create some friction, the good kind, with someone, because baby, you’re ignitable.  (Innat a Katy Perry song?)




Force eye contact with a person you’re interested in. (Mmmm-hmm…because they will totally return Our interest the instant We staple their eyes open.)




 Don’t limit yourself either — pick out a few potential targets and let the gazes smolder. (Why the fuck not?  After all, it’s almost Rumspringa!)





Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Friday, March 28, 2014

I’m hooked on a feeling





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, March 28rd, 2014.



Happy Birthday to Andy, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Charlotte, who also turns twenty-four today, also in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, somewhere, We suspect, within the city limits.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Alan, who also too turns twenty-four today.  Somewhere in Connecticut.  Which just isn’t funny.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile to Wendy, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia.  (More on Our abscesses absinthe Abyssinia-in-all-the-old-familiar-places…(Ooops, sorry…Our keyboard stuck.)  …moron Our absence in a  muu-muu…er, moment.)



Most of Our Gentle Readers are by now aware that, if We mention you in an e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  because it is, for example, your birthday, as with the folks above, or because We are picturing you naked (hi, Allen!), or just because We are a “shameless click-whore” (hi, Josh!), We will alert you to said mention via a SitOnMyFaceBook message, which will include the following sentence:


We are trying out a new plan wherein We message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope.


Now, that would seem to be a relatively clear sentence, yes?  While the “newness” of the plan is somewhat debatable, if it is the first time you are seeing such a notification, you have no way of knowing that.  And, while We were once mocked for Our use of the word “wherein”, if you have read more than three sentences of any one of these e-pisstles, you will be aware that We do not subscribe to the American disdain for literacy and intelligence, Our theory being that We have a vocabulary and We know how to use it, and nothing cheers Us up like a well-placed “albeit”.



That said, when We say:


We are trying out a new plan wherein We message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope.


…if your response is “HUH?” (yes, ladies and genitals, in all caps) We are going to unfriend your sorry ass because you are too stupid to live.  (Please note that this will NOT apply to sarcastic responses of “HUH?” to today’s FB message.  (We can smell YouPeople’s thoughts, and you need a thought shower.))




The person whom We thus unfriended the other day was a person who went through all the “Happy Birthday” messages people had left on her SitOnMyFaceBook page and typed “TY”.  Now, (1.) if you feel the need to save yourself typing effort to the point where you are compelled to abbreviate “Thank you” as “TY”, We do not feel the deep waves of gratitude emanating from you.  And (B.), if you are incapable of using your computer to replicate “Thank you” over and over again with a single keystroke, you are, again, too stupid to live.



Moving on, Our absence yesterday was due to Our efforts to shill shekels by participating in a focus group. (We shall leave the ponderous ponderers among you to ponder on what manner of world We inhabit when the likes of Us are summoned by experts to focus upon anything.)  Unlike most of these affairs, which last for about two hours, this one ran from 8AM till 4:30PM, and involved, fortunately, suitable recompense.  We should like to thank those who texted back and forth with Us during the course of the ordeal, and thus helped Us to deal and cope:  OurMizGerre, OurSistahOvella, TCBITWWW, OurMizCathy, Joe, and Doh, who, now that they have been mentioned herein (heh), will be FB-messaged with those above.



Speaking of those above, it occurs to Us to clarify that the groupings are not necessarily mutually exclusive.  That is, no matter what group you are in, We might be picturing you naked.  Just a heads up (or a “heads-up” (now We are imagining a condiment called “headsup”, which is akin, linguistically at least, to catsup.  (What it is akin to gastronomically, We haven’t got any idea.  (Hi, Jill!))))



We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:




Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:





Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.



And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:



According to Our celebrity birthday website, it is the birthday of both Lady Gaga and wrestler Umaga. (If she married him, she would be, presumably, Lady Gaga Umaga…


Ouga! Chaka! Ouga! Chaka!
Ouga! Chaka! Ouga! Chaka!
I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me.
Girl, you just don't realize
What you do to me….



Sorry.)



And now, because it has taken Us forever to get this far, A Reading From Madame Olivia:



Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia can see that you sometimes present a prickly exterior; people complain about your unknowable interior. This is a problem for you, too: how can YOU get to know yourself better? Madame Olivia seriously encourages you to meditate. You're too busy, sure, so try a 30-second power meditation: just close your eyes and let yourself sink into yourself. Listen to what's going on in there. If you do this often enough, you will get to know you! Ironically, of course, it will help you connect with others, too.

Dear Aries, an opportunity for expansion is ahead, maybe in the earthly realm but for sure in the inner-you realm. A new idea or concept or project will present itself to you: embrace it! A growing maturity can ensue, maturity in the best possible sense, in your case, both wise and frolicsome.

The color light blue will carry meaning

Madame Olivia has enjoyed her time with you today and wishes you all the best.




Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Janie’s got a gun





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 26rd, 2014.



We were so afraid that We were going to have nothing to talk about in here today.  Fortunately, at the last possible second, the WorldWideInterWebNetz came to Our rescue and provided Us with this: http://www.queerty.com/man-with-three-balls-posts-nude-on-reddit-becomes-internet-sensation-overnight-20140326/



Despite the title, the link IS Safe For Work, although it leads, understandably, to NOT Safe For Work places.



Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Jonathan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  It has only just occurred to Us this very minute that Jonathan, as an Aries, is in a relationship with Our Birthday Twin Katy, who is also an Aries.  This Same-Sign Relationship issue is addressed at some length in Our show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, on which We have not yet given up.  No matter what the rest of the world has done.



(You did all understand that “Birthday Twin” means that Katy and We share the same birthday, didn’t you?  Because were you (subjunctively) to see Katy and Us together, you would certainly be able to tell Us apart. (And if you think Katy is grateful for that, just imagine how Jonathan feels.))



Happy Birthday also to Cheryl, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also too to Damian, who also too turns twenty-four today, albeit elsewhere in The State In Which We Live (Pennsylvania, that is.  Not Confusion.)



There’s just nothing like a good “albeit”, is there?  Cleanses the soul.



In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to David, and Ryan, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, to The LovelyAndTalented Ed. (We have not seen The LovelyAndTalented Ed in person for quite some time, but photographic evidence from SitOnMyFaceBook indicates that he is, in fact, still Lovely.   We are, on the other hand, assuming that he is still Talented, thereby making an ass out of Uma Thurman.  As One does.)




We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring (never mind all the crap they fed Us about snow yesterday. And the fact that it’s eleventy-two billion and twelve degrees below zero outside.).  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:



Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:




Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.



And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:



So it is Robert Frost’s birthday today.  (Who did you think We were gonna say?  Steven Tyler?  Leonard Nimoy?)


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I ate a piece of shoo-fly pie,
And then I sang “Pomp and Circumstance”.



You can tell Robert Frost is a great poet because you have no fucking clue what he’s talking about.





Try to blaze new ground today — your energy is best spent pioneering.  (Who the fuck are We…Laura Ingalls?)




You may need to go it alone, (Wow.  There’s a hot news flash.)




 because things are a bit too dicey for some of your stodgier friends or colleagues.  (“Stodgier”…now there’s a word you don’t see every day.  Sure, you see “stodgy”  (having lots of stodge) , and “stodgiest”  (having the most stodge, or, under certain circumstances, having ALL the stodge), but you rarely see the comparative “stodgier”.  Mainly because quantities of stodge are measured in a long-forgotten unit of measurement akin to the dram and the furlong, making it difficult to ascertain relative degrees of stodgiousity.)




(But seriously, who the fuck are We…Laura Ingalls?)




You have another day to do exactly what you know you were born to do: Mingle. (Well, you know what They say: “Have Pringles™, will mingle.” (Laura Ingalls?))




(You know, if you think of all the things They say that They say, it’s a miracle anyone still listens when They talk.)




By late this evening, you’ll be ready for at least a day off from socializing — and you’ll have it.  (We have a full day of work tomorrow’ if you can imagine such a thing.  Lord knows, We can’t.)




The stars make sure you get a nice break from the spotlight.  (Oh, please.  If We get any more of a “break from the spotlight”, We’ll be painting Helen Keller’s darkroom black.)




Even when it comes to a sign as fiery, outgoing and personable as yourself, it’s easy to see how home might be the only place you’ll really want to be now.  (Well, either home, or Johnny Depp’s underwear drawer.)




Think of it as a snuggle-fest.  (You do realize, We live alone, don’t you?)




 If you can’t figure out what to do today, turn on your computer and check your inbox. (We would just like to point out at this juncture that Ass Hatt Kelli’s horoscope is ONLINE.  So if We hadn’t (subjunctively) already turned on Our computer, We wouldn’t be reading her advice to TURN ON OUR COMPUTER.)




(Ass.  Hatt.  Wearing her Ass as a Hatt.  Since 2001.)




You may find a sweet, surprising message there — likely a new beginning or an important ending. Either way, it’s for the best. (Okay, that says that there are two best ways.  Words have MEANINGS.  Ass Hatt.)


(But seriously…Laura Ingalls?)




Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.