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Monday, June 30, 2014

These are probably the worst pies in London






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManInTheAtticMonday, June 30st , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Lesley, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.




Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Avram and to Jeff and to LaVonne, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.



Faithful Gentle Readers will recall Our recent central air conditioning fiasco.  Well, in Our latest OurHouseWhereWeLive Hates Us news, having baked a pecan pie, in addition to preparing an entire birthday dinner for Our friend on Wednesday (insert “BirthDoh Dinner” joke here), Our oven has now apparently decided to stop ovening.  Oh, Our broiler still broils, and Our stovetop still stovetops (mmmm….stuffing), but the buns in Our oven are cold.



Now, it will amuse you to know that, in the course of Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian research to identify an appropriate Oven Repair Person, We ran across all manner of Do-It-Yourself advice which insisted that it was simplicity itself to obtain a new heating coil (the obvious culprit in Our oven’s ovenlessness) and replace same One’s Very Own Self.  We even stuck Our head in the oven (which is unfortunately electric, so that didn’t even BEGIN to work out) and ascertained that, the whole thing being apparently constructed out of three Tinkertoys™ and a pipe cleaner, it was probably indeed D-I-Y simple.



Unless, of course, your own personal “Yourself” who is expected to Do-It is OURSELF.



Because, you see, every D-I-Y instruction began with “unplug the oven”.  And Our oven ain’t no little E-Z Bake™ affair…this is one big-ass oven.  The plug to which is, no doubt, (ahem) in the rear.  So the likelihood of Our fragile flower of a Self being able to coerce said oven away from the wall so We could get at its plug (does this sound dirty to you?  Because it sounds dirty to Us, and We even have some slight idea as to what the hell We’re talking about) is practically nil.



We could, of course, shut down the electricity to the entire kitchen, but, this being OUR life, you just KNOW that electricity would never go back on.



(Meanwhile, in the course of typing the above, We mistyped “at its plug” as “a tits plug”, which is actually funnier than the entire story.  So We thought We’d Cher.  You’re welcome.)



In related news, We just fixed something else that had gone wrong in OurHouseWhereWeLIve with about a half a roll of duct tape.  We would tell you what it was, but then We would have to kill you.




In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M  ))).

 





Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news,  it is Our future ex-husband, Olympic swimmer Michael “Single-Penisedly Bringing The Speedo™ Back” Phelps’s birthday today.  Good MORNING, Mister Phelps!



Also, TheLovelyAndTalented Willam Belli showed up for the first time on Our celebrity birthday website, which see: http://www.famousbirthdays.com/june30.html  He finds hisself in between Florence Ballard, of Supremes fame, and Rick Gonzalez, of We’re-not-exactly-sure-what fame.  Happy 24th, Willam!



  • Aries After three exhausting weeks, you'll be embarrassed and infuriated to learn that the Marine Corps motto is not in fact "Semper Fellatio."
  • Taurus God will sincerely apologize to the rest of the hemisphere this week, but explains the snowstorms were the only way to prevent you from wearing those awful sandals.
  • Gemini You'll finally start to get calls about that invisible hovercraft you have for sale when the CIA declassifies thousands of previously classified ads.
  • Cancer Traveling the world for five years certainly taught you things you'd never have learned otherwise, but you wish someone had told you the hot dog was on a string tied to a stick on your hat.
  • Leo Birthday parties have been ruined in some strange ways over the years, but no one will ever top the sick shit you're going to pull next Thursday.
  • Virgo You're not the kind of person who likes to ask for help, but for Christ's sake, that's an overturned city bus you're trapped under.
  • Libra Seriously, almost everyone these days knows that the whale is a mammal and not a fish, and therefore those guys aren't sleeping with you for your brains.
  • Scorpio People born under your sign are tough but fair, gruff but lovable, and faithful to a fault, but the stars refuse to take responsibility for you huffing all that paint thinner.
  • Sagittarius You’re certainly the kind of person no one likes to fuck with. Or make out with, hold hands with, or even hug, for that matter.
  • Capricorn To his credit, the coroner will apologize to your family, but they'll be forced to admit that "Rectum? Damn thing killed him!" was appropriate considering the circumstances.
  • Aquarius Love will be everywhere this week, leaving you nowhere to hide when it gets violent and ugly the way it always does.
  • Pisces You're getting better at figuring out what your dreams really mean. However, all that stuff that happens when you're awake is still pretty baffling.



Namaste, MotherFuckers.






In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Friday, June 27, 2014

Bye-bye, Miss American Pie






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, June 27st , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Happy birthday also to Nick, who also turns twenty-four today.  Out in Amish Country.  Where men are men, and shoo-fly pies are nervous.



(That right there was a little Jason Biggs joke.  In case any of Our Gentle Readers happen to be Jason Biggs.  (Because that?  Would be HAWTT.))




Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Forrest and to Greg and to Ryan, each of whom turned twenty-four (although, in Greg’s case, We can neither confirm nor deny) somewhere during Our brief hiatus this week.




(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), how is it that the plural of “hiatus” is not “Haiti”?)



(There are a few vacation time shares in (what passes for) Our mind available in August and September…..get ‘em while you can!)




So didja miss Us?





(SQ: Crickets chirping.  (“SQ”, for all you civilians in da house, stands for “Sound Cue”.))



We’re not exactly sure where We were on Tuesday, although none of Our SitOnMyFaceBook friends had a birthday, so We apparently felt justified in taking the day off.  On Wednesday, We were cooking a birthday dinner for a friend, which included, amongst other things, a pecan pie made with actual molasses and squares of Lindt™ Very Dark Chocolate, which We are now eating leftovers of for breakfast, and which has Us bouncing off the walls.  Yesterday, We had an all-day gig being a model patient, which involved handsome young doctors putting their probes all over Us all day while We were covered in jelly.



(We will pause here to give you a chance to recover from the hilarity of Us being a model ANYTHING.)



And now We’re back    
From outer space
We just walked in to find you here
Looking JUST like Mary Kay Place…




We’re fairly certain that the only fact of any import that you missed was that, on Wednesday, the WorldWideInterWebNetz wanted you to know that there were only six more shopping months until Christmas.  You’re welcome.




In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M  ))).




 


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, it is Captain Kangaroo’s birthday.  What could be better than that?



Here, meanwhile, A Reading From Madame Olivia:



Greetings Starzina~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

A memory has just assailed Madame Olivia of a conversation she once had with a very wise person who knows a lot about money and living simply. The wise person said that sometimes what seems like an extravagance may be "a good expense for you," ie of value in your personal system. The occasional well-considered splurge may be well worth the expense in terms of long-term personal joy. You might call part of this mindful spending.

Little Aries, first sign out of the zodiacal block! People listen to you and rightly so. Madame Olivia senses that an interesting opportunity will arise for you to do the listening. Look for this opportunity. You will learn so much and this will lead to an enormously positive outcome.

Word of the hour for you: gift (a present? a bonus? a talent?)

It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.

For your next reading, look for an email invitation in a few days from the very busy Madame Olivia!



Namaste, MotherFuckers.






In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Monday, June 23, 2014

You don’t own me






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandrakeTheMagicianMonday, June 23st , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Cammy, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in El Lay.



Happy Belated Birthday to Chris, Darnelle, Dusty, Edgardo, Mark, Peter, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, to OurAmericanCousin Sherry, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend in such far-flung, exotic places as Greater Bostonia, Jew Nersey, O Hai, Ohio, Illinois, and Amish Country, in addition to right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.




Speaking of the weekend, here is the tweet from Twatter that won the InterNetz on Saturday:

I have to explain what to do during a school shooting to my 7yr old, but by all means let’s freak out about gay marriage.




Also, as you may surmise, if you have ever met Us, met anyone who has met Us, heard of Us, heard of anyone who has heard of Us, or met anyone who has heard of someone who may have met someone else who heard of someone who has heard of Us, We have no fucking clue what “Magic: The Gathering” is.  Here, however, is a brilliant photo essay in which a man goes to a “Magic: The Gathering” gathering and has his picture taken next to all of the buttcracks:  http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrhoades/man-goes-to-magic-the-gathering-tournament-poses-next-to-but






(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, would like to pretend that “buttcracks” isn’t a word.  Back up to a full-length mirror and look over your shoulder, Micro$oft Weird™. THERE ya go!)




 

Faithful Gentle Readers (i.e. non-naked skimmers) will recall Friday’s cliffhanger, in which air conditioning repairpersons arrived at OurHouseWhereWeLive.  (To relive those crackling dramatic moments, go here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/06/freeze-it-buzz-it-easy-does-it.html   We’ll wait.




 

Back?  (Buttcrack?) Good. As with most après les cliffhanger e-pissodes, this one is somewhat of an Auntie Climb Axe.  (You ARE reading this aloud to yourself, aren’t you?)  We apparently had both a broken frabnasticator in the central air unit itself, as well as a broken thermostat.  What We did NOT have, after all was said and done, was five hundred dollars.  We DID, however, have Our complete misperceptions of how exactly Our programmable thermostats control Our air conditioning and heating corrected, so We may in fact recoup said five hundred dollars in the form of lower electric bills.  Assuming, of course, that We live to be a hundred and eighty-seven years old.






 

On the plus side of the moneygrubbing column, We have salvaged a job for a day later this week which We thought was going to fall through due to Our not having a proper credential.  So, yay, Us.




 

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M  ))).




 


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, it is Frawnch soccer player Zinedine Zidane’s birthday today.  His full name is Zinedine Yazid Zidane.  His nickname is Zizou.  The Frawnch are ridiculous.



More importantly, and yet, still on the subject of the Frawnch, this past Saturday may or may not have been the birthday of Jean Paul Sartre.
(Heh.  See what We did there?  We kill Us…)




A financial transaction makes you question a rather important component of your life — but it’s less of a problem than an opportunity.  (Is it just Us, or is Kelli talking about prostitution?)




Roll with it and see where it leads, but don’t break the bank.  (Can We rob the bank?)




If you get the chance for a one-on-one meeting with your boss or if you’re asked to give an impromptu presentation, jump on it.  (Can We say, “You’re not the boss of Us”?)




(Is it just Us, or is this ten of the most boring horoscopes of all time?)




You can further your personal agenda with the greatest of ease at the moment, and you’ll look great doing it. (You should see Us on a flying trapeze.)




Your powers of communication are on fire, and you’re able to be simultaneously forceful and charming — a winning combination, indeed. (Or at least much better than chorceful and farming.)




It’s a very good time to go after what you want.  (Isn’t it always?  Because, if you go before what you want, by the time what you want shows up, you’re already gone.)




When you’re all fired up, it’s hard to tell whether there’s a real mutual spark.  (That analogy actually almost worked!  Blind pig found a damn acorn! Go figger!)




Toning it down allows you to assess a romantic situation more accurately.  (And what could be more romantic than assessing a romantic situation more accurately?)




Chill out and see what happens. (To whom?)    



Namaste, MotherFuckers.






In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.