Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, July 30nd, 2014.
Happy birthday to Sydette, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York, The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
Happy birthday also to Lee, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy birthday also too to (heh…she said “tutu”) Ell, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
And happy belated birthday to Bob, and Eddie, and Sarah, and Erica, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia. Drinking absinthe.
Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…
Oh, shut up.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), may We just point out that not only does the aforementioned Erica have the fabulous name of “Erica”, but also, she is a Leo, thereby making her exponentially more fabulous than We already knew her to be.)
Speaking of Leo, Leonardo DiCaprio.
Also, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac. Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
In other news, the WorldWideInterWebNetz are all abuzz today, as it appears that Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber. In Ibiza.
Because Mister Bieber is such an easy target, the WorldWideInterWebNetzian response to the incident seems to be running ten-to-one along the lines of “Yeah, way to go, beat the little bitch.”
Now, never let it be said that We Our Own Self Personally have not taken pot-shots at The Bieber. Here, for example, is Our video with Mister Bieber (which will also serve as a birthday present for the aforementioned Erica, who was mentioned earlier, as she will no doubt recognize this particular incarnation of His Bieberness):
But, seriously, InterNetz? All the juicy bits that are gloriously, hideously wrong with this story, and all you can come up with is “Beat The Bieber”?
For example, Mister Bieber is not even twenty-one years old yet. Mister Bloom is pushing forty. We Our Own Self Personally are, of course, only twenty-four, but We would definitely feel creepy throwing a punch at someone who is not even an adult yet.
(Needless to say (and yet saying it anyway, as One invariably does after saying “needless to say”), if We were (subjunctively) to throw a punch at anybody, it would no doubt originate in a crystal punch glass, and contain champagne and sliced strawberries. We’re just sayin’.)
Also, neither Mister Bieber nor Mister Bloom is American. Nor are they Middle Eastern. They are from Canada and Great Britain, respectively, where people have manners and are civilized. The hell?
Also, gentlemen, you are in Ibiza. Now, We don’t know about YOU, but We know exactly the last time We were fortunate enough to be in Ibiza, which was, oh, We don’t know, NEVER. So you’re in a fabulous place like Ibiza, and the best thing you can think of to do is engage in fisticuffs? How ‘bout you go sit in a corner and think about how fucking lucky you are that you get to go fabulous places like Ibiza when most of the rest of the world doesn’t?
The altercation was allegedly about Mister Bloom’s ex-wife, Miranda Kerr, whom Mister Bieber has allegedly dated. A forty year old and a twenty year old dating the same woman, you say? Turns out she’s thirty-one, so it’s not as creepy as it originally sounded, but still, you GO, Mister Bieber!
Speaking of which, the evidence of Our video to the contrary, We have seen neither Mister Bieber nor Mister Bloom’s genitalia. However, regardless of the relative dimensions of each, it is unwise for a forty year old to have a dick-measuring contest with a twenty year old, because no matter whose dick is bigger, the twenty year old’s can do a whole lot more things repeatedly and in rapid succession.
Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We need to go celebrate Delta Burke’s birthday.
Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
It is very good to see you again.
Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you sometimes slip into the clutches of an emotional loop without realizing it: something annoying happens and you find yourself in a swirl of negative thoughts that won't seem to let go. To get out of this, ask yourself two questions: 1) what is the evidence that my interpretation is right? (There might not be much.) And 2) Are there alternative explanations? (There undoubtedly are.) Asking these two questions can help you talk yourself out of many difficult and painful places.
Everybody thinks you're so tough, Aries, but they don't know your tender center. Madame Olivia thinks it is time for you to begin to show that vulnerable side to a few select people. Be choosy but brave; take the risk with a few people you trust. You'll forge stronger connections with them and ironically make discoveries about yourself.
Circles and round things will be of import in the near future
Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.