I’d like to buy the world a Coke™…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThusdayThrowingUmaThurmanIntoThurgoodMarshall’sThermalUnderwear…what the fuck were We talking about again?

October Fifteenst, 2015.

We have not epistlized since August TwennyFifst.  Didja miss Us?  (Where’d all those crickets come from?)

We only stopped by today because it is, as you no doubt already know, Friedrich Nietzsche’s birthday.  Friedrich Nietzsche (or “Friedie”, as We like to call him) is the philosopher who announced that God is dead.  We decline to opine upon that proclamation, but We are fairly certain that We can all agree that Friedrich Nietzsche is dead.  Possibly because he shares a birthday with Penny Marshall.

In case you’ve missed an e-pissode, here is Our disclaimer explaining how We went from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!  (We shall turn it blue, so avid Gentle Readers can skip past it.  Because We?  Have that power.):

Since We have switched from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! (which means, of course, that We only e-pisstlize an e-pissode when We are having Our period (just kidding…if We e-pisstlized an e-pissode every time We were having Our period, it would be Eric’s!Quarter-Hourly!Horoscope!)), We have undergone some suBtler format changes as well.  For instance, We initially started keeping notes of Our daily dystopian debacles, so that We could complain all at once.  This concept quickly fell by the wayside, as We realized We were running the risk of alienating one or more of Our Gentle Readers (both of whom are very nice, if somewhat screed-averse).

So now, you will be getting a more bullet-pointed approach to Our world since last We e-pisstlized.  What’s more, We shall actually leave off complaining (no, not entirely) and include some GOOD things that might have happened to Us (albeit clearly by accident).

Now that THAT’S out of the way, We can move on to the birthday wishes.  Apparently, everyone from Aaron to Zach had a birthday today.  Seriously.  And, in what We imagine to be an Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! first, We are wishing a Happy Birthday to Gentle Readers in THREE (count ‘em, THREE) different countries.

So Happy Birthday to Aaron, who, unlike most Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! Gentle Readers does NOT turn twenty-four today. (In South Africa, mind you, but whatevs.)  He turns EIGHTEEN, so  it’s probably a good thing that We don’t know him personally.  More importantly, it’s probably a good thing that We don’t know him biblically.

Happy Birthday also to Cathy, who DOES turn twenty-four today, in some suburb called Chest Wester. Cathy is a lovely lady, but seriously, what kind of name for a suburb is Chest Wester? Chest Wester is clearly the name of the hero from a Harlequin romance novel, who raises horses, repairs antique cars, and plays lead guitar in a rock band on the weekends…

We’re sorry…were We still talking?  Where are Our smelling salts?

Happy Birthday also to Ian, who turns twenty-four today in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, which sounds like three different countries, but isn’t.

Also, Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns twenty-four today in El Lay, and to Michael and the aforementioned Zach, who turn twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

The preceding folks are all Libras, as We have moved into that sign now.  Our Libra video is above (and IS safe for work); the link with which you may Cher it with your friends is:  https://youtu.be/XEd2UNc29Sk  (Naturally, We know you WON’T share it, but We have to try.)

Meanwhile, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, now that We are periodically periodic with periodicity, We have a lot of Belated Birthdays upon which to comment.  In the interest of keeping their numbers manageable, We have only been wishing Happy Belated Birthday to all of the hot gentlemen (in their hot birthday suits) who have celebrated their nativities (in their hot birthday suits) since last We e-pisstlized an e-pissode. We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled:

So, Happy Belated Birthday to Ron, Philip, Matt, Johnny, Jack, Charlie, Evan, Mikel, Mo’Niques, Michael, Patrick, Greg, Tyson, Lex, Gil, Richard, Skye, Jim, Noah,  Scott, Chad, Jake, Eric, Ben, Alex, Kevin, Tyler, Josh, Taylor, Ken, Jesse, and Steve.

Before We put paid to  the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of all of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthday/Belated Birthday above, We have seen exactly FOUR  of them in their birthday suits.  (SIX if you count pictures and videos (and We DO)).

Which is much better than Our usual odds but still…what the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?) 

********************************

We do have ACTUAL news going on:  We are directing a show called The Madness of Poe, which will be performed 10/23, 10/24, 10/30, and 10/31 at 7 at Strawberry Mansion, with a pay-what-you-will-dress at 7 on Thursday, 10/22.  And imagine if you will being Us early this afternoon, when one of the three actors in the show announced that he would be unable to do it (did We mention that it opens one week from today?)  Fortunately, We are now recast (kudos to Our producer, who accomplished same in exactly SIX MINUTES following the arrival of the news), so come see Us.

More info here: https://www.facebook.com/events/101485116876924/

Tickets here: 

http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07ebl980cl3de82eee&llr=mw56b6dab

We have, meanwhile, to go learn lines for Our first (and, We hope, ONLY) appearance in Our third murder mystery at the Bistro Romano.  (You can’t get tickets to that, as it’s sold out…also, THREE YEARS…We’re not feeling that you’re exactly champing at the bit.)

We are certain there are many more things We should be sharing, but it is virtually tomorrow, so off this goes….

***********************************

As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2015/06/i-put-spell-on-you.html .

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

My name is Luka…I live on the second floor

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Good Pie Rupee Tuesday,  August 25st, 2015.

Since We have switched from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! (which means, of course, that We only e-pisstlize an e-pissode when We are having Our period (just kidding…if We e-pisstlized an e-pissode every time We were having Our period, it would be Eric’s!Quarter-Hourly!Horoscope!)), We have undergone some suBtler format changes as well.  For instance, We initially started keeping notes of Our daily dystopian debacles, so that We could complain all at once.  This concept quickly fell by the wayside, as We realized We were running the risk of alienating one or more of Our Gentle Readers (both of whom are very nice, if somewhat screed-averse).

So now, you will be getting a more bullet-pointed approach to Our world since last We e-pisstlized.  What’s more, We shall actually leave off complaining (no, not entirely) and include some GOOD things that might have happened to Us (albeit clearly by accident).

But first, today’s birthday wishes:  Happy Birthday to Althea, and Kai, and Michelle, each of whom turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Liam, and Phillip, and Ron, each of whom also turns twenty-four today, in Georgia, and Indiana, and New York, respectably.  (Well, on second thought, probably NOT respectably.  At least, We HOPE not.)

The preceding folks are all Virgos, as We have moved into that sign now.  Our Virgo video is above (and IS safe for work); the link with which you may Cher it with your friends is:  https://youtu.be/wkk4fkT9_ZI

Also, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, now that We are periodically periodic with periodicity, We have a lot of Belated Birthdays upon which to comment.  In the interest of keeping their numbers manageable, We have only been wishing Happy Belated Birthday to all of the hot gentlemen (in their hot birthday suits) who have celebrated their nativities (in their hot birthday suits) since last We e-pisstlized an e-pissode. We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled.  Of course, since all of the following hot gentlemen are Leos, there’s still a helluva lot of ‘em:

So, Happy Belated Birthday to Andrew, Anthony, Christian, Dan, Danny, Doug, Dylan, Edgar, Ian, Jason, Jamel, James, Josh, Larry, Luke, Mark, Mike, Nicholas, Ryan, Thom, and Tim.

And, of course, Happy Belated Birthday (in his very own sentence, mind you) to TCBITWWW (The Cutest Boi In The Whole Wide World, for you newbs.)

Before We put paid to  the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of all of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthday/Belated Birthday above, We have seen exactly ONE  of them in his birthday suit.

What the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?) 

********************************
And now, as promised, BULLET POINTS!  (Are you excited?  We’re excited!)

We have had a houseguest over the past week, whom We had not seen since We were both twenty-four.  It was just like Celebrity Big Brother, but with less nudity.  Now that We are both twenty-four, We enjoyed a very civilized visit.  Despite the absence of nudity.

(We just attempted to add ACTUAL bullet points, but Micro$oft Weird™ insists on putting one before “And now, as promised, BULLET POINTS! “, which looks really stupid, so We’ve given up.)

The only unfortunate thing about having a houseguest was that his visit exactly overlapped with the run of OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia’s play, Parthenogenesis, which appeared last week in the New York Fringe Festival, and, by all reports, killed.  So congratulations, and We are very sorry to have missed it. (We met OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia ten years ago this past spring, and, now that We’re both twenty-four, We should catch up sometime soon.)

In other news, once the sentence, “You’re more into me than I am into you” has been uttered to One, there’s really no turning back, riiight?  (Asking for a friend.)

On the plus side, We did see some actual (non-InterNetzian-porn) peen recently.  (No, NOT Our houseguest’s.  (And no, We weren’t allowed to have any.  But still…))

In still other news, fuck the motherfucking Pope.  The goddamn President of the United States can come to Philadelphia, and everybody goes about their goddamn business as usual, but some old man in a dress shows up, and suddenly We’re gonna be a police state.  Go visit somewhere else, fucker.

***********************************

As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2015/06/i-put-spell-on-you.html .

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html 

In celebrity birthday news, there is not much going on today.  It is, however, Luka Sulic’s birthday.  Who is Luka Sulic, you ask?  He is a Croatian cello player.  Google up his picture on Wikipedia…We don’t know about you (really, We don’t), but he can come over to Our house and “play Our cello” any time he wants.

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

It never rains in Southern California

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacallyManicuringManlyManateesInManchurianMantillasMonday,  July TwennySebbenst, 2015.

We find Ourselves (did YouPeople even realize We had gone missing?) currently in the sign of Leo, Our most recent video for which is above. (Our very first Leo video is below.)

Long-time Gentle Readers will recall that We are somewhat fixated on Leos, being as they are the undisputed sexiest sign of the zodiac.

(Whoever started disputing…just shut up.)

Speaking of sexy Leos, lettuce get right to it, shall We?  Happy birthday to Will, who turns twenty-four today  right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy birthday also to Summer, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, happy birthday to newcomer Josh, who may not EVEN turn twenty-four today, albeit (and who doesn’t love a good “albeit”) right here in the self-same aforementioned City.  Josh is currently appearing in BrainSpunk Theatre’s Mercury Fur,  more on which in several paragraphs hence.

And now, We shall say “and now” again.  Also, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled.  So, Happy Belated Birthday to Adam, Allen, Christopher, Eric, Erik , Joe, Josh, Matt, Michael, Scott, and Zach.

Before We put paid to  the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthdays above, We have seen exactly ONE  of them in his birthday suit.

What the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?) 

(In the interest of accuracy, We have ALSO seen one of the aforementioned gentlemen almost in his birthday suit.  But “almost” only counts in whore shoes, so come back and finish the job, already.)

Despite the fact that none of YouPeople missed Us, We have, in fact, been gone.  We were at The Sainted Mother’s for a week, and also family reunionating.  The obligatory “Our Feet At The Pool” selfie is above, for all of Our foot-fetishist Gentle Readers.  (You’re welcome. (This version of Micro$oft Weird™ is apparently so old that it doesn’t recognize the word “selfie”.  Sigh.))

Speaking of family reunions, We had a dream last night in which We were working at some very posh hotel or some such in Los Angeles (or “El Lay”, as We like to call it).  We were getting ready to do Our murder mystery in the ENORMOUS classic marble lobby of same, when a torrential downpour caused the place to flood (despite the fact that it allegedly never rains in Southern California).  

Once We got the flood cleared up, Our family reunion arrived to see the murder mystery.  Everyone was wearing tuxedoes and evening gowns (appropriately by gender (it being Our family, We know you had questions)).

We woke up before the show actually happened, but not before We had seen Paul Newman twice during the proceedings. 

YOUNG Paul Newman.  

YOUNG, NOT-DEAD Paul Newman.

Lest you think We only dream about sexy celebrities, a day or two ago We had a dream in which Danny DeVito was helping Us paint Our living room.

But enough of all that…let’s get some culture up in this here jawn.  

On Friday night, the Murder Mystery Factory being closed due to lack of interest, We collected a handsome young gentleman of Our acquaintance (well, technically, he collected Us, but whatevs) and headed off to war-torn Kensington to see BrainSpunk Theatre’s Mercury Fur,  starring the aforementioned Josh, and a host of other dazzlingly talented folks, and directed by another dazzlingly talented Josh, who, coincidentally, appears in the “happy belated birthday” list above.  (But whom We have NOT seen in his birthday suit.  (Nor even ALMOST in his birthday suit. (Just to be clear.)))

We knew almost nothing about the play going in, and so were in a state of almost constant awe at the proceedings.  The play itself is poetic and lyrical without ever veering into esoteric incomprehensibility, and the direction and performances are so spot-on and committed that We would venture to say this was one of Our favorite evenings in the theatre in a long time.

We will share some links to some (stellar) reviews in a moment,  but what they do not stress is that, controversial subject matter aside,  the play itself is more or less traditional, not at all avant garde, and completely accessible (and We mean that all in the very best way…We hate plays that try to be smarter than the audience, and that employ weirdness for weirdness’s sake).

We shall also point out, because We are shallow like that, that the cast of this play is one of the overall most attractive casts We’ve seen in quite a while as well.

Math not being Our strong suit, We are nevertheless fairly certain that you only have four chances left to see this show.  And you MUST see this show.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brainspunktheater.com/#!tickets/c9a0

Read more literate reviews here: http://phindie.com/8525-mercury-fur-brainspunk-the-hills-are-alive-with-the-sound-of-post-apocalyptic-horror/

And here:

http://blog.phillyweekly.com/2015/07/27/wth-brainspunks-mercury-fur-is-a-wild-ride-and-not-for-the-faint-of-heart/

Tell ‘em Starzina sent ya.

*******************************

In other news, fuck the motherfucking Pope.  The goddamn President of the United States can come to Philadelphia, and everybody goes about their goddamn business as usual, but some old man in a dress shows up, and suddenly We’re gonna be a police state.  Go visit somewhere else, fucker.

***********************************

As We mentioned earlier, We are now, of course, in the sign of Leo, Our video for which is above.  And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Leo video, which was the very third video We made:

Here are the links with which you may share those videos with both of your friends:   

https://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

https://youtu.be/jNJh1di7OXk

As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2015/06/i-put-spell-on-you.html .

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here: 

http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html ? 

In celebrity birthday news, there is not much going on today.  (Bobbie Gentry, anyone?  Anyone?)  It is, We are informed, Kenny Wormald’s birthday today.  Kenny Wormald, We are also informed, starred in the recent Footloose remake.  We are unfamiliar with his work, but, despite the fact that he is no Kevin Bacon, We would venture to say that he IS  one of Our future ex-husbands.

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.