I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, April 26, 2011.  It has just come to what passes for Our attention span that today is Raechal’s birthday.  So happy birthday to Raechal, who turns twenty-four today.

In keeping with Our promised Royal Wedding tribute, today We bring you yet another Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Sucretia Epiphany Mitochondria Saliva Gonorrhea of a happy couple.  And, in Our never-ending efforts to be inclusive and non-discriminatory, today’s couple is a same-sex couple. (At this juncture, Astute Readers (and why YouPeople sit around reading stutes, We’ll never know) will point out that so was yesterday’s.  The difference, of course, is that, with yesterday’s couple, One could tell which sex they were the same as.)  Said Pixture is also doubling as a Public Service Announcement, as the questionable couple in question are clearly picking up some ointment to deal with a particularly nasty bout of It Itches Down There.

Suddenly, Prince William seems ever so much less unattractive.

That’s really all We’ve got, save for this quote We found on Our WorldWideInterWebNetz yesterday: “I don't know why the library got so upset at me for masturbating. I was in the self help section.‏”

Spunky, no?

(Heh. “Spunky.”  We kill Us.)

Garcon? One HorrorScope, over easy.  Hold the mayo. And make it snappy. (Suddenly, We are Humphrey Bogart.  How the hell did that happen?)

Your visionary nature (We have a viZZZion!)

is making life quite a bit more interesting for at least one of your people (Again with this delusion that We have “people”.  Where are these people, and why do they do nothing for Us?  Tote that barge, lift Christian Bale…you know, the things One expects One’s people to do, if One has people, people, Soylent Green is people, are the luckiest people in the world…(Who let Barbra Streisand in here?))

— and you could acquire new followers if you talk up your plans. (While We may not actually have people, We do in fact have followers.  In Google, at any rate.  Twelve of ‘em. Followers, that is.  We would feel just like Jeebus with His twelve apostles, except that two of Our followers are Us Our Own Self. Don’t any of the rest of YouPeople use Google Reader?  Subscribe to Our blog!  Follow Us!  All the Kewl Kidz are doing it!)

Good social energy is yours!  (To say nothing of good social diseases!  Complete with random exclamation points!  Bangs, if you will!  Or even if you won’t!  (“Complete with random bangs!” sounds like much more fun, doesn’t it?  That being, of course, how One obtains social diseases.  Or, in some cases, social climbing diseases. (That’s when you get sick of your old friends because you only like people who can do things for you.)))

(Social energy, social diseases, and now social commentary as well. Is there ANYTHING We can’t do here at Erix Daily horoscope?)

This may sound counterintuitive, (Or, alternatively, counterintelligent.  Which is just plain stupid.)

but the stars say you should seek out conflict today. (Should not.)

(Heh.  That there was a double helping of “See what We did there?”.)

You’re not one for confrontation, but it is sometimes a necessary evil, and it’s something you should perhaps work on becoming more comfortable with. (As is the Spanish Inquisition.  Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.)

The future holds some battles for you, and practicing on some easy skirmishes will help you later on. (Well, fine, but We don’t want to fight about it.)

You will be always be able to see the problems at hand, (Because there’re so damn many of ‘em!)

but you should develop more skills that allow you to do something about them.  (What happened to all these “people” We were supposed to have?)

Go right ahead and ask for whatever you need. (A winning PowerBall™ ticket, a do-it-yourself liposuction machine, and Johnny Depp’s home phone number.  But We’re pretty sure We’ve asked for this all before.)

Your people are there for you (Where? WHERE???)

and can provide you support and assistance in your search for love. (Oh, please.  Just bring Us the winning PowerBall™ ticket.  We’ll BUY the damn love.)

Rely on them — they can’t let you down! (Mainly because there’s only so much further down We can get.)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

They’ll go ga-ga at the go-go when they see me in my toga

Greetings, Elements’ Relevant Intelligence Cinderella---


(No, We have no idea.)


Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 15, 2010 (Happy Presidents’ Day to Our American readers. Happy Presentiments Day to Our readers in Bangladesh, and Happy Prestidigitation Day to Our readers in Kuala Lumpur. (Do We have readers in Bangladesh or Kuala Lumpur? We have no idea. It’s Google™…we might. But nevertheless, who could resist an Eric’s Daily Horoscope with Kuala Lumpur in it? One Lumpur two?)):


(As you can see, We have lost what little was left of Our mind(s). Sketch comedy will do that to you. Especially when coupled with losing PowerBall™. Again. Some more.)


(Sorry…We just got distracted by bright shiny InterNetz. What were We talking about? Oh…nothing. Well, there you are then. We’ll just carry right on with that…)


(Does anyone…still wear…a hat?)


(OurBrandon visited Us over the weekend, all the way from MaryLand. (Perhaps it’s just Us, but “all the way from MaryLand” really doesn’t sound particularly far, does it? Sure, it’s another state, but then, so is New Jersey, and One could walk there from here. It’s not like it’s Kuala Lumpur or someplace. (Is it just Us (again), or is it really that the more We say “Kuala Lumpur”, the more it sounds like a name for a really ugly stripper?)) At any rate, OurBrandon left a hat behind. (“Leftahat Behind” being, naturally, an even uglier stripper.) Now, We are not generally a hat person, but, with Our hair currently being such an offense against taste and decency, We felt compelled to attempt to try the thing on. Turns out, Our @ssz is not the only thing around here that’s fat. Apparently, We have a Big Fat Head. (“Big Fat Head” is, as you’ve probably already guessed, Leftahat Behind’s Siamese twin sister. Now there’s an ecdysiastical extravaganza that has to be seen to be believed.))


(We shall pause here, while those who were unable to intuit the meaning of “ecdysiastical” from context go look it up and use it three times in a sentence to make it theirs. (Also, We really wanna see any sentence that has the word “ecdysiastical” in it three times.))


(You can pull all the stops out till they call the cops out, grind your behind till you’re banned.)


(Speaking of nipples to the wind and t1ts akimbo, the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 . As of yesterday’s rehearsal, the show is now thirty-seven percent funnier than Leftahat Behind and Big Fat Head’s All-Singing, All-Dancing, All-Ping-Pong-Ball-Out-Your-C00ter-Shooting tribute to the Spanish Inquisition. (You weren’t expecting that, were you?))


(Are you a fan of the WaitStaff on SitOnMyFaceBook? http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=284897953188&ref=ts#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts )


(Our-O-Scope…)


Your gut feelings are your fortune right now. (Fine. Any day now, We shall open a business called Borborygmi-R-Us. Or perhaps We shall become an ecdysiast who f@rts ping-pong balls. The sky is the limit, the world is Our oyster, and freedom’s just another word for @ssraping Tom Cruise. (Speaking of borborygmus and related issues, is there any possible universe in which a double-fudge chocolate Pop-Tart™ can be good for you, even if it is high fiber? We didn’t think so. (That, however, did not stop Us.)))


Don't second guess them or question them. (H3ll, We never guessed ‘em the first time. It was kinda like trick-or-treating at Helen Keller’s house. (WAAAAAAHHHHH!!!))


Your insides are telling you all that you need to know. (Yeah. It’s like f@rt-noise Morse code. Dot-dash-f@rt, dot-dash-sh@rt (Ooops…wet f@rt...who’s got a comb?)).


It's not about being some kind of weird hippy-type sitting around with a long white beard, in a cave, meditating. (Speaking of hippies, after you’ve seen the WaitStaff show on Friday, if you happen to be headed to Woonsocket, Rhode Island (and, really, why wouldn’t you be?), you will want to check out Counterproductions Theatre Company’s production of HAIR! at the Stadium Theater. Info here: http://www.stadiumtheatre.com/Events.aspx?event=118 )


However it is all about tuning into what the hippies called your Higher Self. (The jokes, they just write themselves.)


What is he or she telling you to do? (Not Bogart that doobie?)


Now is a very good time to start listening. (I’m sorry…what?)


(Heh. See what We did there?)


Lovewise, make a(nother) sacrifice for someone you love and the karmic rewards will be good. (Mmm-hmm. These “karmic rewards” of which you speak…they are, We assume, like frequent flier miles? We can use them, say, to have Our love upgraded to first class? Or to get Our love a free flight to Woonsocket, Rhode Island? Or Kuala Lumpur?)


(Okay, We’re outtie. We are no match for bright shiny InterNetz this morning. Have a lovely holiday, and a happy period.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Cowgrass!…the American tribal love rock musical.)