Never mind the bollocks

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July Tenf, Twenny Tirteen. Happy Birthday to Lizzy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Vicki, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in MaryLand, which We’ve discussed before.  (That is, We’ve discussed Maryland before, not Vicki’s twenty-fourth birthday.  Try to keep up.

(Herewith, for the benefit of any newbies in da house, is Our previous MaryLand discussion:

{Insert WayBack Machine sound effects here.}

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.

(Mary had a little land, whose feet were shy a toe, and every day, for merriment, she slept with Jacques Cousteau.  (We have no idea where that came from.  Nursery rhymes are peculiar, no?))

{Insert reverse WayBack Machine sound effects here.}

))

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, après les digression, Happy Birthday to Loretta, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

(It should be pointed out, for clarity and editorial accuracy’s sake, that Loretta is not the same person as LOretta, who has been mentioned in these e-pisstles before.  Even though they have now both turned twenty four at least once.  It strikes Us as slightly peculiar that We know two people named Loretta (well, technically, one person named Loretta, and one person named LOretta), and that they are both women, which adds to the confusion.  Of course, if We were (subjunctively) to travel in loftier show business circles, We might be acquainted with both Loretta Lynn and Loretta Swit, who have both now turned a hundred and seventeen at least once.  So there’s that.)

We also seem to recall having mentioned recently that, if We live to be twenty-four, We will never understand people.  Said lack of understanding continues apace.

You will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.

In other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

As We went to Our celebrity birthday source this morning, it occurred to Us that it would be very bizarre if today turned out to be Loretta Lynn or Loretta Swit’s birthday.  Or, even bizarrer, if it turned out to be Loretta Lynn AND Loretta Swit’s birthday.

It didn’t.

So Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara.

You’re feeling even more impulsive than usual today,

(This would seem to be an excellent place for a random Sid Vicious music video:

(Whaddaya mean, “impulsive”?))

so expect some wild times as you frolic and jump from fun and games to serious silliness.  (If that sentence were (subjunctively) any gayer, it would be Charles Nelson Reilly dressed up as Liberace fistfucking Paul Lynde in a pansy patch while Judy Garland sang opera.)

Your people may not be able to keep up with you!   (Again with this delusion that We have people.)

A former romantic partner might be reappearing on the scene soon, (So, wait…people can come back from the dead?!?)

 and the feelings they stir up won’t be the ones you were expecting to feel. (Zombies have that effect on Us.  Go figger.)

They’ve taken the initiative to get back into your life, and there could be a very significant reason for it. (BRAAAAAAIIINNNSSSS!!!!)

Aren’t you curious to know what that is? (No.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

Give them some of your time, but not all of your time. (At least she didn’t say, “Give them a piece of your mind”.  ‘Cause We have so few pieces left.)

Make it clear that you have boundaries that you have no intention of changing for them — at least not yet.  (Also, We’ve been wearing Our Tuesday panties since AT LEAST last Tuesday.)

You need to direct your efforts toward your work or home life today. (Well, THAT narrows it down.)

You can get plenty done, and focusing hard should feel good (That’s what she said.)

— but tonight, and over the next few days, your energy favors romance.  (Oh, great.  Once We expend all that energy blowing up the doll, We’re gonna be EXHAUSTED.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Plucked her eyebrows on the way, shaved her legs and then he was a she

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, April Turdieth, Twenny-Turdteen.  Happy Birthday to Francisco, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  In MaryLand.  And, since We seem to be on a roll (Kaiser? Crescent?) with Our previous geographical dissertation on MaryLand, We reproduce it here again for your edification and literary enjoyment:

(Being the sort of full-service Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that We pride Ourself on being, We rooted through the archives a la a pig rooting for truffles and found Our prior discourse on MaryLand so YouPeople didn’t have to.   Here it is, and you’re welcome:

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.)

In other news, the Tony nominations were announced.  Former As the World Turns star Billy Magnussen was nominated for one.  You have no idea who he is, you say?  Check out about a kabillion pictures of him here: http://mynewplaidpants.blogspot.com/2013/03/gratuitous-billy-magnussen.html?spref=tw Said pictures are NOT safe for work.  Billy gave an interview recently where he talked about how “creative viZZZualization” had contributed to his success.  Yeah, right.  Because looking like that had nothing to do with it.  We’d gaze at Our navel, too, if it were (subjunctively) all up in the middle of abs like that.  Jeebus.

Speaking of “they say the Visible-Penis-Lines are bright on Broadway” (Kiss Us quick, We’re George Benson.  With Robby Benson as The Beaver.), as you can see above (heh), We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays, if Eve Arden were (subjunctively) still alive, she would be a hundred and five today.  But she’s dead.  So she’s not.

You need to take advantage of today’s big opportunity (Well, you know what they say:  big opportunities, big knockers.)

— even if you’re not the one who sees it first. (And what exactly would you have Us do to the person who DID see it first, and who, therefore, assumes it to be THEIR Opportunity With The Big Knockers?)

 Sometimes you’ve got to elbow folks out of the way when you know you’re more deserving!  (And sometimes you’ve got to knee ‘em.  It’s like the commercial says:  sometimes you kick in the nuts, sometimes you don’t.)

Do you think you’re in need of some inspiration in your job or schoolwork?   (“Schoolwork”?  Seriously?)

If your brain just doesn’t seem to be able to concentrate on one thing for more than five minutes,  (Sorry…did you see something?)

(In addition to Seeing What We Just Did There, Helen Keller just fell down.  On Forest Whitaker.  There was sound.)

you don’t need inspiration — you need a vacation.  (Sing it, Sistah!)

You need to slow down.   (Any slower and We’d be going backwards.  Which might have the benefit of confusing people.)

You need to take a walk, (On the wild side?  Can there still be colored girls?  Will they go, “Doo do do, do do, do do do do”?)

put things into perspective, (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)

and get a reality check (Check please!)

about your place in the world. (We try to ask for what We want.  We still don’t get it.  Sigh.)

Trying so hard to keep busy could be a coping device — are you trying to avoid dealing with something?  (There are way too many words in that sentence.  Here is what it sounded like to Us: “Are you too busy coping with trying to avoid dealing with coping with something you’re too busy to deal with coping with that Jack built?”  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Face up to it and move on.  (Alternatively, kick it in the nuts.  Oh, and move on.)

Your unique personality is gaining you notice from a certain cutie. (Despite all evidence to the contrary?)

After all, your essential self is so very attractive!  (Indeed.  On the inside, We look exactly like Billy Magnussen.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

If hoppy little bluebirds fly…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMadMenMonday, April 29, 2013. Happy Birthday to Steph, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Trish, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Jim, who also also turns twenty-four today.  In MaryLand.  And, since We just the other day re-did Our previous geographical dissertation on MaryLand, We reproduce it here again for your edification and literary enjoyment:

(Being the sort of full-service Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that We pride Ourself on being, We rooted through the archives a la a pig rooting for truffles and found Our prior discourse on MaryLand so YouPeople didn’t have to.   Here it is, and you’re welcome:

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.)

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Israel, who turned twenty-four this past weekend.  And also again to Dena, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, and who, if We recall correctly, occasioned the preceding MaryLandese excavation from the archives.

As if it weren’t (subjunctively) already a bad enough rainy Monday morning, there is a jackhammer outside Our front door of OurHouseWhereWeLive, which is, unfortunately, fulfilling its natural function by jackhammering (which Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe is not an actual verb, but Micro$oft Weird™ is not in OurHouseWhereWeLive, so shut the fuck up, Micro$oft Weird™; We know jackhammering when We hear it.  Incessantly.  All morning long. ).

Now, if Our life were (subjunctively) a fillum, We would peer out Our living room window (a la Gladys Kravitz) and see a jackhammerer named Jack Hammer, who would look like, say, Zac Efron, and whose shirtless flexed torso would be glistening with sweat and rain.

Do We even need to tell you that that is not the case?

In other news, We dreamt last night that We consulted a dating service.  The gentleman in charge was someone We know, although We could not, upon awakening, recall who.  However, he wrote his notes about Our requirements and things We told him about Ourself in a VERY peculiar place, which We cannot imagine how he intended to access once We Our Own Self Personally had physically left his office.

Prior to any date being arranged (because, apparently, We can’t even have a date in Our dreams), We were given homework, which consisted of four bottles of beer which We were to taste, compare, and contrast.  Three of them were craft/microbrewery beers whose names escape Us, and the fourth was a Coors Light™.  Presumably, they were the Beers Of Choice of four potentially date-able gentlemen.  The peculiar thing is that We can recall exactly what they all tasted like!  So it would seem that, in addition to dreaming in color (the notes the guy wrote in A Very Peculiar Place were in red ink), We also dream in taste!

We apologize for Our departure from Our stated mission of making YouPeople feel better by comparison.  Every so often, We’re just way more fascinating than all y’all.

Speaking of Zac Efron’s jackhammer, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Uma Thurman’s birthday, and, with the frequency with which We take her name in vain in these e-pisstles, the least We can do (no, really, the very least) is wish her a Happy Leslie Jordan’s Birthday.

You need to snap into action today (Also, Snap-On™ Tools.)

 — things are looking pretty weird, (You don’t know the half of it. (You should see Our red ink.))

but that just means that you’re ready to move!  (Oh, We are a Mover and a Shaker!  (Although it does occur to Us suddenly that We have no idea what differentiates a Shaker from a Quaker.  (Maybe it’s the oats?)))

(Vacation shares in what passes for Our mind are still available between now and Memorial Day.)

As long as you’re active, (And We are.  On a cellular level, at any rate.)

you should be able to overcome most obstacles.  (Of course.)

(That right there was a little existential humor.  It’s called “existential humor” because it’s, ya know, not funny.)

Your email correspondence has been getting very interesting, lately — (Indeed.  We are practically ENGAGED to this Nigerian prince.)

 could there be a new career or business opportunity coming soon? (Insert “Opportunity’s knockers” joke here.)

 Keep up the virtual chit chat, (There desperately wants to be a joke here involving the words “shit shat”, but We just cannot make it appear.)

and fire back some witty emails today to some people who have connections in the places you want to be. (One can only be but so witty with Nigerian princes before they have One beheaded.)

Start thinking more specifically about your future plans, too. (Is it just Us, or is “future plans” redundant?  Do people actually waste time planning the past?)

Sure, you want the corner office, (Um, no.)

 but what should your view look like?  (We’re pretty sure We said this earlier:  Zac Efron with no shirt on.)

Picture your success and you’ll get one step closer to it.  (Is this more of that “viZZZualizing” crap?  Because that really pisses the fuck out of Us.)

Love takes off when you go for a change of pace. (We can’t even get a date…where’d this “love” come from all of a sudden?)

Small quality of life items make huge differences: Go to a farmer’s market instead of a fast food joint. (So Old MacDonald’s instead of MacDonalds?  (That wasn’t the least bit funny, but it did come to Us right in the moment.  So there’s that.))

You could meet someone great over the radicchio.  (We are guessing that “over the radicchio” is a euphemism, but We have no idea for what. (Meanwhile, in case you were concerned that We were just not gay enough, We are now imagining Judy Garland singing “Somewhere Over the Radicchio”. You’re welcome.))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.