Don’t stop believin’

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManJackMonday, July 15st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Jonathan, who turns twenty-four today right here in the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  (It occurs to Us that, for Our purposes, the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles might well be referred to as The Love Handles of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Because We’re a punster like that.)

Also, Happy Belated Birthdays to Ankit, Jeff, Leslie, Matt, Mike, and Michael, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere or another.  Michael, we shall celebrate soon.  Leslie, We hope to see you in September.

Before We begin in earnest (whoever he may be (although We hear he is of some importance (kiss Us quick, We’re Oscar Wilde))), Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey would like Us all to know that there are only 162 days till Christmas.  You’re welcome.  Also, hee-haw!

Lawd-a-mercy, We just opened the front door to get the mail…it’s a wee tad warm out there. Additionally, We have the HAWTTEST mailman in the history of HAWTTNESS-WITH-TWO-Ts, especially when he’s all sweaty-like.  We may have to go lie down.  And lick a stamp.

(Much as One no longer dials the phone, One also no longer licks stamps. That sort of disappeared without One noticing.  Not that One misses it, of course.)

In other news, We had a dream this weekend in which We were watching a made-for-TV movie.  We don’t remember too much about it, except that it was starring Michelle Lee. That hardly seems worth the effort of dreaming about, when One could certainly just turn on One’s television and flip channels until One came across a made-for-TV movie starring Michelle Lee.  Or someone like Michelle Lee.  Although, come to think of it, there really isn’t anyone LIKE Michelle Lee.

Wow.  That was deep.

Everybody doesn’t like SOMEthing, but nobody doesn’t like Michelle Lee.

In other other news, We are very upset by the passing of Cory Monteith.   When We get a free moment, We may have to go watch the very first-ever episode of Glee. The one where he’s singing in the shower.  We may have to lick another stamp.

In other other other news, you will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.  We HAVE, however, filmed a KickStarter video to assist in the financing of said show, coming soon to a computer near you.

In other other other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.  This past weekend, We filmed the next e-pissode, the fifth installment of Our story arc.  Try not to expire from the anticipation.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Okay, Brian Austin Green, the youngest cast member of the original Beverly Hills 90210?  Is FORTY.  Put THAT in your Peach Pit and smoke it.

It’s time to put an end to any selfish thoughts or desires  (The hell you say!)

— or at least to put a hold on them. (Maybe it’s just Us, but We are thinking that, if you are able to put a hold on your selfish desires, maybe you’re just not good enough at being selfish.  Try harder.)

Your social energy is more valuable right now, (And what are Our social diseases worth?)

and you can get more out of helping others than from helping yourself.  (Especially if the others We’re helping were helping Us to begin with.)

Just like peanut butter and jelly or Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, (Alternatively, like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, COVERED in peanut butter and jelly.  And licking stamps.)

(Is it just Us, or does “licking stamps” get dirtier every time We say it?)

(Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

you and your best friend make an excellent combination right now!  (Yes, but why do WE always have to be the one doing everything backwards and in high heels?)

The two of you generate wonderful energy when you get together, and people enjoy watching you two in action more than you might realize. (Kinky!)

Acknowledge this attention, and go ahead and play up to it! (Who, Us?)

Charm the waiter, (Especially the dumbwaiter.)

make the cab driver blush,  (Did you ever try to put makeup on a cab driver?  In a moving cab?  Not nearly as easy as it sounds.)

and work that dynamic duo magic. (It is WAY too hot for the Batman costume.  Sorry, kids.)

It makes everyday activities so much more fun.  (Than what?)

You think that you’re ready for change. (And We are, as long as everything stays exactly the same.)

Are you sure, or is that just what you want to think so you can prepare for love? (You can’t pre-pare love, no, you just have to wait.  Love don’t come, Sleazy; stay at home and masturbate.)

(Oh, great; now Diana Ross is pissed off at Us.)

It may be time for you to examine your motives and figure out what you really want. (To lick Johnny Depp’s stamps.  DUH.  (Who didn’t see THAT coming?))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

STOP! In the name of love!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday’sChildIsFullOfGraceSlicksToGetToTheCenterOfATootsiePop™GoesTheWeasel… Sorry.  Our stream of consciousness flooded.

So it is an historic day here in the Youessivay.  And yet, We are fairly certain that, no matter what Diana Ross and the Supremes decide, neither Johnny Depp nor Prince Harry will propose marriage to Us any time soon.  Sigh.

In other news, on a messageboard We frequent, someone was discussing signing an email to her union “in solidarity”.  Following which We have decided to sign all of Our communications from here on out “in liquidity”.  Or,  more truthfully, “in gaseousness”.  Because We?  Are twelve.

As you can see, We got nothin’.  So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Okay, how weird is it that We mentioned Diana Ross and the Supremes earlier, and it is actually Miss Ross’s birthday?

Try not to focus on small mistakes today (Focus instead on enormous boners.)

 — check out the big picture and see the positive.  (Also, Acc-ent-u-ate it.)

(What if We’re positive that everything is going to go wrong?)

Your energy requires a bit of a push in order to get moving, (Ex-Lax™. It’s what’s for dinner.)

but sometimes it’s best to go slow.  (Slow and steady wins the race riot.)

(We have no idea what that means.)

Feeling useful will suddenly be extremely important to you  (Not that it will HAPPEN, mind you, but it will be important.)

— right now, you are feeling that it doesn’t really matter whether or not you get what you want today when you see so many others who don’t have anything at all. (Um, yeah.  Have you met Us?)

 If you can be of service to someone today,  (Johnny Depp?  Prince Harry?)

you will make yourself feel valuable, like you are able to do just about anything.  (So, if “anything” includes both “everything” and “nothing”…well, you see Our dilemma.)

You are a positive force in people’s lives  (Well, We don’t want to have to FORCE them…)

— even the people who don’t know you very well just yet.  (A stranger is just an ex-husband We haven’t met yet.)

Everyone talks about wanting to break out of old habits,  (Especially Mother Teresa.)

but no one admits that those habits are comforting.  (Improv scenario: nuns in a strip club.  GO!)

You’re stuck in a love rut for a reason.  (You say that as though it were (subjunctively) a bad thing…but, seriously…”stuck in Prince Harry’s love rut”…”stuck in Johnny Depp’s love rut”…you can see how We would be confused.)

What are the payoffs for not changing? (Billy Joel loves Us just the way We are?)

Are they worth it?  (L’Oreal™…mix a double batch, and get a snatch to match.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

That’s what makes you beautiful

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ThurzzzDay, June 28, 2012.  We trust you all had a good time celebrating Helen Keller’s birthday yesterday…QUIETLY.  It occurred to Us this morning that, if you wrote “Happy birthday, Helen” in frosting on the top of her cake, she could read that.  Because it would be raised, ya know, like Braille.  Of course, no one else would want any cake then.  Especially if she’d recently been reading the kitty litter.  But it would be okay, because how would she know that?

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid Sure. Plays. A. Mean. Pin. Ball.

In other news, the WorldWideInterWebNetz are all knickertwisted this morning because apparently, Diana Ross approved of President Obama’s health care plan.  Why anyone cares what some washed-up pop star thinks of the thing, We haven’t got any idea.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses (this “hence” part was parenthetical as well.  But if We keep saying “parenthetically”, We’ll never finish. (How do you know it’s an endless loop endless loop endless loop (she said, parenthetically))))        , “knickertwisted” is one of those words that looks fine in print (despite Micro$oft Weird™’s red-squiggly-line to the contrary), but might cause people to look at One askance if used in speech.  Just a little friendly advice from Erix Daily Horoscope.)

In still other news, if Our life were (subjunctively) a soap opera, it would be three days before Sweeps Month, and all the other characters would be fondling guns, knives, and blunt instruments, and saying, “I’ll kill her, I swear I will!” to the camera right before a commercial for feminine hygiene spray.  If Our life were (again, subjunctively (but then, you’d probably guessed that)) an Agatha Christie mystery, a thunderstorm would have just knocked out the power at Our isolated country mansion immediately after a dinner party with thirteen or so friends and relatives, none of whom like Us very much.  If Our life were…well, you get the idea.

You will have to bump Us off; We won’t drop dead just for your convenience.

(It occurs to Us that perhaps this was not the best thing to tell you all on a day on which We shall find Ourself in the dentist’s chair later.)

In still other news, The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should):  http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, if you are plotting Our demise, you are going to have to wait until tomorrow, because We refuse to die on John Cusack’s birthday.

 You have to show someone close that you’ve got their best interests at heart.  (And you know what They say:  The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  With a chainsaw.)

 This could be as simple as hearing them out when they’re upset or as grand as throwing a surprise party.  (Is it just Us, or does the surprise party sound easier?)

(So do you think We should throw John Cusack a surprise party?  Who can get him here without making him suspect  anything?)

It’s never too late to start something new, (It is by definition too late once it gets old.  Duh.)

especially if you’re thinking of starting something new with someone you admire.  (We have just spent five whole minutes stymied by the word “admire”.  Such a peculiar, old-fashioned word it is.  Of course, it’s no “knickertwisted”, but still.)

The stars are shining brightly on any new projects that involve official documents, (We are not letting any of you anywhere NEAR Our Last Will And Testament, so fuhgeddaboudit.)

and it’s an excellent time to begin formal or legal partnerships.  (Heh.  Only a few of you will know why that’s funny.  And We are not going to bother to explain it.)

Any marriages, adoptions or business relationships that begin today will have endurance and stability.  (Well, in that case, on the way home from the dentist, We shall get married, adopt a child, and take over ColbyCo.)

Today ditch the ‘me me me’ mode and put others first instead.  (How about the I I I mode?  (Kiss Us quick, We are the Frito™ bandito.))

(Ai-yi-yi-yi, I’d rather get laid than be eaten…)

When selfishness is deterred (“Deterred”?  There’s ANOTHER odd word choice.  Kelli seems determined to make Us wind up knickertwisted.)

you can clearly see who needs your help ASAP.  (Oh, sure.  Like We’re going to help people who are trying to kill Us.)

Juggle your schedule around to make time for friends who could use some of your relationship advice.  (Yeah.  People are no doubt lined up around the block for OUR “relationship advice”.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.