Some cats and rats and elephants

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodPieRupeeToozDay, August 28, 2012. In Our continued e-ffort to raise laziness to an art form, here is another scintillating encore presentation of an e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope from last year at this time, when We debuted Our first Virgo fillum:

 

Any lyric EXCEPT “I feel the earth move under my feet”

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenceslas, King, Good, Downlooker Upon Stephen, Feast of…what the hell were We saying? Oh, yes…August 24^th, 2011. Happy Hump Day to everyone in the humpus room. Those of you on the Right Coast may have noticed yesterday’s earthquake, and the daily news reports of the imminent arrival of the disastrous Hurricane Irene Ryan, which can only mean one thing…

 

They’re remaking The Beverly Hillbillies?

 

No, fool…We have entered Virgo. Leaving Virgo flushed, sweaty, and begging for more. And right away We give you Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope for Virgo, Our most audacious cinematic effort to date. New sets, new costumes, new credits, and a Very Special Guest Star. What more could YouPeople ask for? Go watch it now…We’ll wait:

 

There…don’t you feel better now? Why, We Our Own Self feel positively Touched By An Angel. Almost as if Della Reese had let Us wear boaf of her wigs.

 

In still other news, so you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report. And We are here to tell you that tickets are being gobbled up like…well, like some sort of gobblable things that are gobbled by gobblers. So if We were (subjunctively) you, We’d go gobble up some tickets Our (or Your) Own Self, before they’re all gobbled away. Particularly if We were (subjunctively) also participating in the Fringe Festival, and were only able to attend certain performances. Go and gobble; We’ll wait (it’s what We live for.): http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Della Reese wearing Irene Ryan’s merkin. Or, the HorrorScope:

 

(Obviously, We’re going to have to wait one more time while many of you scurry off to Google “merkin” on Wikipedia.)

 

There’s an air of impatience today, (Well, We don’t have time for that.)

 

(Heh. See what We did there?)

 

and for once it’s not coming from you. (That’s what you think. We have learned to let Our impatience out silently. Just one of the many benefits of long years spent studying Uranus.)

 

You’re usually the one who is pushing (Heh.)

 

for things to go further faster, (Ah, yes, the old further faster farter trick. (How is it that We have yet again managed to get all caught up in fart jokes?))

 

(Meanwhile, since when does Micro$oft Weird™ recognize “farter” as a word? (Oh, dear Jeebus…because We are an inquiring mind who wants to know, We have just been Googling on Wikipedia (and We ain’t just Ritalin Trixie), and here is what We found:

 

“A flatulist, fartist, or professional farter is an entertainer (sometimes considered a comedian) whose routine consists solely or primarily of farting in a creative, musical, or amusing manner.”

 

We are pretty sure that, when Our high school guidance counselor gave Us career aptitude tests, “flatulist” didn’t make the cut (sorry, We HAD to say that.)))

 

(Although, now that We consider it, We much prefer the term “fartist”. Why are We just learning this now? After all, any damn idiot child can aspire to be a n astronaut, or a fireman…)

 

but right now that’s not a high priority for you (The antecedent of this particular “that” is too far back in time for Us even to begin to consider.)

 

(“This particular ‘that’” is positively lyrical, no?)

 

— things are already working well. (Not yet. But just wait till We get Our flatulist’s license.)

 

It might take a bit of explaining to set the worried minds of coworkers at ease. (Um, no. This particular flatulist works alone, thank you very much. We don’t want anyone stealing Our thunder.)

 

(Shtick around for da jokes…We got a million of ‘em.)

 

Let them know you’re in control and you know exactly what you’re doing even if you don’t. (Whatever We say here wants to have the word “sphincter” in it, but We don’t know what it is yet.)

 

Right now it’s important to stay in control. (This would be where the second “sphincter” joke goes.)

 

Spend the morning focusing on your home life. (Then here, We would switch it up and say “hipster” instead of “sphincter”, and throw “Uranus” in there somewhere.)

 

(That was a sort of behind-the-scenes glimpse at the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope. You’re welcome.)

 

(Wow, We’re really wrapping this up early today! So here’s a question for all y’all; leave your answers in the comments:

 

When We say “Uranus”, how many of you find that Uranus tingles? Or clenches? Or both?)

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

 

Any lyric EXCEPT “I feel the earth move under my feet”

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenceslas, King, Good, Downlooker Upon Stephen, Feast of…what the hell were We saying?  Oh, yes…August 24^th, 2011.  Happy Hump Day to everyone in the humpus room.  Those of you on the Right Coast may have noticed yesterday’s earthquake, and the daily news reports of the imminent arrival of the disastrous Hurricane Irene Ryan, which can only mean one thing…

They’re remaking The Beverly Hillbillies?

No, fool…We have entered Virgo.  Leaving Virgo flushed, sweaty, and begging for more.  And right away We give you Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope for Virgo, Our most audacious cinematic effort to date. New sets, new costumes, new credits, and a Very Special Guest Star.  What more could YouPeople ask for?  Go watch it now…We’ll wait:

There…don’t you feel better now?  Why, We Our Own Self feel positively Touched By An Angel.  Almost as if Della Reese had let Us wear boaf of her wigs.

In still other news, so you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report.  And We are here to tell you that tickets are being gobbled up like…well, like some sort of gobblable things that are gobbled by gobblers.  So if We were (subjunctively) you, We’d go gobble up some tickets Our (or Your) Own  Self, before they’re all gobbled away.  Particularly if We were (subjunctively) also participating in the Fringe Festival, and were only able to attend certain performances.  Go and gobble; We’ll wait (it’s what We live for.): http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Della Reese wearing Irene Ryan’s merkin.  Or, the HorrorScope:

(Obviously, We’re going to have to wait one more time while many of you scurry off to Google “merkin” on Wikipedia.)

                                                                                                                                                                     

There’s an air of impatience today, (Well, We don’t have time for that.)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

and for once it’s not coming from you. (That’s what you think.  We have learned to let Our impatience out silently.  Just one of the many benefits of long years spent studying Uranus.)

You’re usually the one who is pushing (Heh.)

for things to go further faster, (Ah, yes, the old further faster farter trick. (How is it that We have yet again managed to get all caught up in fart jokes?))

(Meanwhile, since when does Micro$oft Weird™ recognize “farter” as a word?  (Oh, dear Jeebus…because We are an inquiring mind who wants to know, We have just been Googling on Wikipedia (and We ain’t just Ritalin Trixie), and here is what We found:

“A flatulist, fartist, or professional farter is an entertainer (sometimes considered a comedian) whose routine consists solely or primarily of farting in a creative, musical, or amusing manner.”

We are pretty sure that, when Our high school guidance counselor gave Us career aptitude tests, “flatulist” didn’t make the cut (sorry, We HAD to say that.)))

(Although, now that We consider it, We much prefer the term “fartist”.  Why are We just learning this now?  After all, any damn idiot child can aspire to be a n astronaut, or a fireman…)

but right now that’s not a high priority for you (The antecedent of this particular “that” is too far back in time for Us even to begin to consider.)

(“This particular ‘that’” is positively lyrical, no?)

— things are already working well. (Not yet. But just wait till We get Our flatulist’s license.)

 It might take a bit of explaining to set the worried minds of coworkers at ease. (Um, no.  This particular flatulist works alone, thank you very much.  We don’t want anyone stealing Our thunder.)

(Shtick around for da jokes…We got a million of ‘em.)

Let them know you’re in control and you know exactly what you’re doing even if you don’t. (Whatever We say here wants to have the word “sphincter” in it, but We don’t know what it is yet.)

 Right now it’s important to stay in control.  (This would be where the second “sphincter” joke goes.)

Spend the morning focusing on your home life. (Then here, We would switch it up and say “hipster” instead of “sphincter”, and throw “Uranus” in there somewhere.)

(That was a sort of behind-the-scenes glimpse at the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope.  You’re welcome.)

(Wow, We’re really wrapping this up early today!  So here’s a question for all y’all; leave your answers in the comments:

When We say “Uranus”, how many of you find that Uranus tingles?  Or clenches?  Or both?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Here’s a little story ‘bout a man named Jed

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, May 25, 2011. Happy Hump-A-Day Miss Jane Hathaway.  (Now THERE’RE two things that don’t belong in the same sentence together.  Of course,  as an Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We had just perforce to look up Miss Nancy Kulp, who would, it turns out, were she (subjunctively) still alive, be ninety this year.  She was, apparently, in her later life, an out lesbian.  Quelle surprise. (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.))

Speaking of later in life, We are having difficulty assessing whether We are sick with a cold, or whether We have developed allergies this late in life.   Is it possible to be allergic to menopause?

Apparently, some of Our Gentle Readers were disturbed by Monday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Buddy Ebsen Irene Ryan Max Baer Donna Douglass (hark, a theme emerges).  So, to soothe your nerves, We have chosen a much more tranquil image today.  It is a still life entitled “Still Our Life”.  Enjoy.

Speaking of enjoy, the deafening silence in response to Our latest autistic endeavor makes Us wonder if some of you out there have neglected to pay your YouTube bill.  We realize that We are a brilliant and glamorous artiste who makes it all look effortless, but trust Us, there were efforts involved.  Are said efforts so unworthy of comment?  Did someone move your “Like” button?  Has it occurred to no one that We have given you a gift that keeps on giving, which you could cheerfully slap onto the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of any of your friends who are having a birthday, whether We know them or not?  Don’t MAKE Us shoot this kitten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

So We were busy dreaming again last night.  We had a very lovely dream, which We unfortunately don’t remember, because We woke up and went back to sleep and had a dream about going to an audition.  A DANCE audition.  For people in their 20s.  We’re not entirely sure, but We may have been wearing a headband.  In case you were wondering if it is possible to wake up embarrassed, it is.

We don’t recall who sent Us to the audition in the dream, but We were told that it was for dancers in their 20s after arriving there by two actors whom We only know in Our dreams.  (By “whom  We only know in Our dreams”, We don’t mean like, say, Johnny Depp, whom We don’t know in real life, but might (ahem) have  dream about, but rather two actors who, to the best of Our knowledge, do not actually exist in real life, but have been recurring characters in Our dreams for some time now.)

Does this happen to you, too, or are We just out of what’s left of what used to pass for something resembling Our mind?  For example, there is a wonderful restaurant that We’ve only ever been to in Our dreams, and often We try to take people there (in Our dreams) but We can’t always find it.  Not because We’re geographically challenged, but because you have to go through several other restaurants to get there.

Oh, dear.  We can see you edging for the door and surreptitiously dialing the authorities. Let’s change the subject, shall We?

James van der Beek has a really large head, no?

How about a horoscope?

Messages aren’t always clear, (Massages, alternatively, are often queer.)

and on a day like today, (On a clear day, you can’t see the weather…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Barbra Streisand.)

it might feel as if you’re in a foreign film without subtitles. (Or a domestic film without subtleties.)

(See what We did there?)

Just smile and nod and press on (Smile and Nod and Press On Your Nails…that’s the title of Our memoirs.  No word yet on the subtitles.  But expect a complete lack of subtleties.)

— if anything is really important, you’ll hear about it later. (Later than everyone else, you mean.  Sigh.)

People do not always practice what they preach, (They do invariably, however, cactus what they screech.)

(No.  We’ve no idea.  Move on.)

and it might seem as though someone has an ulterior motive when she or he makes a huge effort to help others today. (God humps those who hump themselves.)

(What does that even MEAN?)

This person’s enthusiasm might not make any sense to you right now, (Enthusiasm in general doesn’t make any sense to Us right now.)

but that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything fishy is going on. (Animals as Adjectives:  crabby, catty, ducky, horsy, assy.)

Keep mum about your suspicions for now, and wait at least until the afternoon before sounding any alarm bells. (It IS the afternoon.  PANIC!!!)

Being a tattletale isn’t really your style, anyway.  (We shall report you to the authorities for saying that.)

Real issues need real answers. (Also, real ballrooms need real dancers.  What’s your point?)

If you can’t motivate yourself to start up dating again, (Oh, please.  We can’t motivate Ourself to put a spoon in the dishwasher.)

 then it could be time to consider seeing a professional (A dating professional?  Wouldn’t that be…a prostitute?)

for a deeper look into your mental state. (Nebraska.)

You could find that the solution is simpler than you think. (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

(Watch video.  Like. Favorite.  Share with friends.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.