All you need is Lug! Nuts! Lug is all you need.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Fursday, October Forf, 2012.  Happy birfday to OurDaughter, who clawed her way out of Our vagina twenty-four years ago today.  What the hell she was doing up Our vagina in the first place, We haven’t got any idea. (This will no doubt remind Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age of a Sandy Dennis movie from the 60s entitled Up the Down Vagina.  That is not Our fault.)  Happy birfday also to Jill, who also turns twenty-four today.  And happy birfday also as well to Ben, who also as well turns twenty-four today.  Ben holds the distinction of having been present for Starzina’s stage debut, wherein We audience-participated upon him.  Sat on his lap, We did.  He had a woody.  He’s Italian.  (You knew to pronounce that “EYE-talian”, right?  That’s how you say it when you mean “has a really big dick”.)

Ben… the two of us need look no more
We… both found what we were looking for…

Sorry…just having a moment.  In other news, happy birfday also to Juli and Alex, who don’t each get their own sentence because they’re not EVEN turning twenty-four today.

In random news form the WorldWideInterWebNetz, Leonardo DiCaprio, whom We follow on Twatter (because We’re hep to the jive like that), wants Us to know that it is Animal Action Week.  ROWRRR, Leo!  C’mon-a Our house and We’ll SHOW ya some “animal action”.  (Leo is Italian.  (You knew to pronounce that “IT-alian”, right? That’s how you say it when you mean “doesn’t have a very big dick”.  (Which see:  http://thestryker.blogspot.com/2012/05/leonardo-di-caprio-nude.html?zx=7a0ffb67c51f3100 )  We still wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  He IS Leonardo Di-Fucking-Caprio, fercrissakes.))

No matter how many times it happens, We are still always amazed that Micro$oft Weird™ is not hep enough to know the word “hep”.

So how many of you just got back from looking at the picture of Leonardo DiCaprio naked?  Perverts.

In still other news, We broke Our bathroom waste basket last night.  And now We have no idea what to do with it.  #ExistentialistProblems

Forgive Us if We are rambling.  It has dawned upon Us that We are a little Depressed.  (Yes, with a capital D.)  Whether this is post-plague-related or seasonal We have not yet ascertained. This despite the fact that We have spent each of the past three nights in the company of a different Hottie Gentleman Caller.  Sigh.  (Please don’t get the mistaken idea that We had such a thing as a “date” or anything.  Surely you would have noticed had the Earth (subjunctively) started spinning in the other direction.)

In addition to being Depressed, it is entirely possible that We have lost what has been passing for Our mind, or did today’s e-pisstle’s title not even phase you?

Meanwhile, in the Witch City of Salem, Massachusetts, THIS is happening: http://www.scarymarylives.com/

And here’s a sample:

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

We know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, how could anyone possibly be Depressed when it is not only Susan Sarandon’s birthday, but also Rutherford B. Hayes’s?  We guess We’re just special like that.

You’re not moving at your typical quick pace today, (That was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow…Extreme Unction.)

(Not every day you hear an “extreme unction” joke, izzit?  That one goes out to all of Our Catholic readers.)

which could mean almost anything (Way to prognosticate specifically, biz-natch.)

— you could be getting sick (Bite your damn tongue.)

or you could be distracted by some weird news that comes in this morning. (OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia just informed Us via SitOnOurFaceBook that it is National Taco Day.  Do you mean weirder news than that?)

It gets better soon!  (Define “soon”.)

The actions of other people will be very unpredictable today, (Pigfuckers.)

so you need to be prepared for anything. (Again with the specificity.)

And although this day may test your flexibility (We should be so lucky.)

and your patience, (Our what?)

it will still be quite enjoyable. (Alrighty, then.)

You like it when things are interesting, (Which they so rarely are.)

and unpredictability is part of the price you pay for ‘interesting.’ (Leonardo DiCaprio’s penis.)

(Sorry…Our attention wandered…were you still talking?)

One of your friends might have an interesting social opportunity for you, but you need to have them explain things in more detail before you say ‘yes.’  (Well, doesn’t THAT just sound all murky. (Murky Murk:  Mark Wahlberg’s retarded rapper brother.  His career never quite took off.  There wasn’t a whole lot going on in his Calvin Kleins, if you know what We mean.  And We think you do.))

(Is it just Us, or is there a whole lotta crap about dick in here today?)

 You may feel like romantic progress is slow or fading, (Or, in fact, non-existent.)

but think of this time as a building phase. (We would, if We had any idea what the hell that meant.)

Make friends with someone new, update your online profile and let people know you’re on the market. (To market, to market, to buy a fat pig. (Clearly, We are bringing sexy back.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

But then we got drunk and fooled around and had a booty call

                                         

Greetings, Eczematous Rash Impairs Complexion---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 22, 2010 (Happy birthday in advance to AJ, who turns twenty-four this weekend.  And to JohnB, who also turns twenty-four this weekend.  That’s a total of four dozen, for those who are counting.):

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “a total of four” to “four”.  Micro$oft Weird™ should mind its own fu(king business.)

(Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Shia LaBeouf Bourguignon, while clearly dated, was chosen because of a dream We had last night in which We found Ourself on a staircase that only went one way (We did not recall, upon waking, whether said way was up or down) when We wanted to go the other. We could see the stairs that went the way We wanted to go opposite Us, but We could not get to them.  (Obviously what We have here is the script treatment for the next Shia LaBeouf star vehicle, Going My Way Up The Down Staircase.  Bing Crosby and Sandy Dennis are rolling in their respective graves.))

(Anybody who didn’t understand the last part of that, get off my lawn.  Those of you who are still saying, “Who the fu(k is Shia LaBeouf?”, come sit next to Us.)

(In the interests of full disclosure, We should point out that We had no idea how to spell either “LaBeouf” OR “Bourguignon”.  We DID know how to spell the Frawnch “boeuf”, which obviously helped Us FIND “Bourguignon”, and, in Our own defense, there appear to be several approaches to spelling same. Presumably, however, Mister LaBeouf only spells his name one way.  Oddly enough, We have never had any trouble spelling “Johnny Depp”.)

(Aaaaand now We’re hungry for Boeuf Bourguignon.  Great.)

(So.  All that horse vomit yesterday, and still no pony.  Oh, and Our leg still hurts.  Thanks for asking.)

(Jeebus Cripes:

)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

This is the energy that's often in the building (What building?)

when actions are taken that merit medals, (What medals?)

awards and undying gratitude. (Gratitude is dead.  Also, God is dead: Nietzsche.  Nietzsche is dead: God.)

(We are pausing here to congratulate Ourself on spelling “Nietzsche” correctly the first time and without any help.  Yay, Us.)

Keep that in mind when you're asked to go above and beyond the call of duty. (Oh, dear.  Somebody’s gonna be very upset if they mix up their doody call and their booty call.)

(That was a little scatological humor for Our scatological friends.  Yes, indeedy doo-doo, folks, there’s something for everyone here at Erix Daily Horoscope.)

Collect yourself, (How many of Us are there?)

and dole your energy out wisely (“Dole out your pineapples”…funny?  Not funny?  We feel like We’ve lost all perspective.  Clearly, We are the MC Escher of humor.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

... a little at a time.  (Oh, was that sentence still going on?  Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)

They're thinking a lighthearted comedy and some chamomile tea would be perfect. (Who the hell are “They”?)

Yeah, right. (Oh, the sarcasm!  It stings.  (Also stinks, but who’s counting.))

Drop them off early and pick up a video and a beverage that's more to your current tastes. (Who wants to watch Disco Beaver From Outer Space with Us?)

Career or education may soon necessitate an exotic trip. (Yeah, We wanted to take an exotic trip this weekend, but We couldn’t make it work.  Sigh.)

Oh, stop acting like you hate the idea. (We hate so many things.  Ideas are just one of them.)

Is your passport current? (Wow.  Talk about your cliffhanger endings.  That’ll bring ‘em panting back next week to see what happens next, won’t it?  Jeebus.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass…you’re worth it)