I spend my days just moo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooning all over you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesDay, January 7^st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Patricia, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Here at Casa du Curmudgeon, We are feeling a little better today. Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern and get-well wishes.  Not, of course, that We shall be able to leave the house and demonstrate Our feeling-betterness, what with it being nuclear winter and all.

All of these days home alone (kiss Us quick, We’re Macaulay Culkin) in the throes of influenza have also left Us with precious little about which to write (not, mind you, that We don’t have writing assignments We’ve been totally neglecting).

Although We did just get distracted by SitOnMyFaceBook, and We must just say this:  ladies, if you are an actual biological female, and We cannot tell by looking at a picture of you whether you are a woman or a drag queen, it is time for some sort of makeover/intervention.  Just sayin’.

What We were originally going to say here was that, courtesy of The Lovely And Talented Kevin via SitOnMyFaceBook this morning, We found this (which is viZZZually Safe For Work, but NOT audio-wise):

This contribution has the extra added attraction of the fact that The Lovely And Talented Kevin?  Makes Us think Warm Thoughts.  (Also Moist, but that’s not as important on a day like today.)

Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

Having thus shamelessly plugged Ourself (because if We don’t plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.

In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!

Tickets are now available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

And now, the HorrorScope…

In celebrity birthday news, it is that gross disgusting hairy-backed ugly celebrity-by-nepotism-only Nicolas Cage’s birthday today.  Cinematic Hell, in case you were wondering (hey, sure, it’s Hell…but at least it’s warm), is a never-ending movie in which Nicolas Cage and the equally repulsive Ben Stiller play brothers competing for the romantic attentions of Melissa McCarthy while tending to the needs of their dying father, Woody Allen.

(You would think We had thrown up enough for one week.  You would be wrong.)

Get started on something new and cool  (Please don’t say “cool”.  KThxBye.)

— it could be anything that revs your gears!  (We were going to do a “Kevs your gears” play on words here, but we realized it would be lost on most of you, who have no idea who The Lovely And Talented Kevin is.  Poor things.)

(It further occurs to Us that that situation could be remedied if you contacted Us about coming to see the murder mystery, which is currently in its last few months.)

Your amazing personal energy (Jigga what?)

guarantees that you bring this new project to a thrilling conclusion.  (Is a “thrilling conclusion” like a “happy ending”?  Because it sounds like it would be similar, except that it would cost a lot more.)

After days of moping around, (We’re the moping champ of Rydell High.)

you’ll wake up this morning feeling like your old self again: (Who you calling “old”?)

charming, impulsive and ready to try anything at least once. (Wait…We thought you said We’d be feeling like Our old self…who’s this “charming impulsive”  assmunch?)

So what might be the perfect way to celebrate? (A champagne enema?)

How about reconnecting with the gang? (Let’s get Spanky to try it…he won’t eat it…he hates everything.)

(What?)

 After a bit of good-natured kidding about where you’ve been and a whole lot of winks, nods and sidelong glances, they’ll be delighted to have you back in the fold.  (If We can trade those winks for wanks, We’ll talk.)

And you can get back to your unofficial position as head of the entertainment committee.  (Oh, dear.  That sounds as though We should be wearing a hat.  And white gloves.  And a corsage. Heavy on the baby’s breath.)

Don’t just sit there … do something!  (Don’t just do something … sit there! )

It’s a great day to follow your nose (It always knows…the flavor of fruit…wherever it grows…) 

and do more than just make eye contact. (Does it occur to no one else that “eye contact” is just “I can’t act” in a bad British accent?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.) 

Ask that hottie out without hesitating. (If there is indeed a hottie, We are going to ask him IN.  Because, no matter how hot he is, we guarantee he will be less so outdoors.) 

Your confidence is amazing!  (We’re not so sure about that…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Over the river and Natalie Wood

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, November 22, 2011.  As you can see, We’ve just popped in to share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius edition with you.  (Click on the pic, in case you hadn’t figgered that out.) Other than that, We’ve got nothing to report.  So much to do, so little thyme.  To say nothing of parsley, sage, and Rosemary’s Baby.  Speaking of Mia Farrow, her all-growed-up son by Woody Allen is in the news…ROWRRRR!!!  How did THAT happen?

Was that scattered enough for you?  Good thing We’re not in charge of stuffing the turkey…there’s no telling WHAT might end up in there.

Here is the link, in case you are inclined (plainly) to share and share a leak:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

The funny is just coming too fast and furious in here this morning for Us to stop and explain it to you.  Meanwhile, Our future ex-husband Rosemary’s Baby is named Ronan Farrow.  He is a Rhodes Scholar.  On the plus side, he works for Hillary Clinton.  On the minus side, Our father-in-law will be Woody Allen.  (We should point out at this juncture that We have never shared Our fellow intelligentsians’ hard-on for Woody Allen, whom We have always found annoying at best.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.  (Especially if your dad is named Ronan Farrow. (By the time We’re through with this boy, he’ll be as popular as Charlene Tilton.)))

But enough of this frivolity; We have yams to cram. Here’s where to get tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas)  : https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  .  And here’s the HorrorScope:

You don’t really need to tackle your own big business, right?  (We’d be lucky to tackle Our own monkey business.)

See if you can lend a hand when it’s needed, (Straightaway, here’s the sound of one hand clapping.)

(And here’s the sound of one hand spanking the monkey.)

(Could you tell the difference?)

(Is it live, or is it Memorex™?)

(And how many of you are actually imagining Us spanking the monkey?)

as the people in your life could really use your unique talents.  (Ah, yes, spanking the monkey till it shines.  (Get it?  Monkeyshines!  Monkey pee, monkey poo.  (Hey, We won’t be epistling on all y’all again till Monday…We’ve gotta leave an impression.  (We wouldn’t want to be accused of epistling in the wind.  After all, We’re not just epistling Dixie.))))

Go for it! (Go fuck yerself!)

Listen to dissenting voices today, especially if they suggest that you should give instead of take. (We do everything The Voices tell Us to do.)

Now it is strategically wise to reveal your more selfless side. (Now We’re scared…if Ourself isn’t on that side, WHO IS???)

If you focus too much on what you want, (We might accidentally get it?)

 you’re going to send the wrong message to the people who are watching you right now.  (But if they don’t know what We want, how can they possibly give it to Us?)

Devote a little more time to helping others  (Oh, see, now.  We KNOW that’s wrong.  Because They always say, “God helps those who help themselves.”  Which is why We always help Ourself to another helping.  As you can see from the size of Our ass.  (Actually, you can’t see it in Our video, as We have a briLLLiant  cinematographer who always keeps Our ass (and the wheelbarrow that it’s trundled about in) tastefully off camera.  Cheers, Ducks.))

— ask around and find out who could use an extra set of hands.  (It only takes one hand to spank a monkey.  Who needs his monkey spanked?  Ronan, is that you?)

Even if you aren’t exactly in a giving mood, (We are in a SpanksGiving mood.)

you’ll change your tune once you dig in.  (Yes, We shall.  We shall change from “Epistling Dixie” to “It’s Raining Men”.)

Using your charms to get your way will work wonders today, (Now where did We put Our fucking charms? (Always after me fucking charms, they’re practically meretricious.))

yet being sincere (Jigga WHAT?)

when asking for help gets your request moving along a lot quicker.  (As does a tasty high-fiber cereal.)

Be sure not to overtly flirt for favors. (But if We COvertly flirt, however shall they know that We’re doing it?)

That’s just tacky! (We are wearing a purple turban festooned with a rhinestone star that We bought at the CVS, blue eyeshadow, and plastic pearls from the dollar store.  We hardly need YOU to define “tacky” for Us.)

Happy Turkey, everyone!

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Greetings, Episcopalian Reincarnated Into Confucianist---


Here is your horoscope for Sunday, Sunday, Sunday (sorry), March 21, 2010 (Happy birthday to anybody whose birthday it is. We don’t think We know anybody personally who’s having a birthday today, but We sure wish We did, because mmmm….cake.):


(Actually, We haven’t even had Our coffee yet. But, before We do, We would like to draw your attention to the commentary section of Eric’s Daily Horoscope here in Bloggonia. Yesterday’s subject line (“Just panties…what else do I need?”) caused Our Sistah Ovella and Us to wax nostalgic (but, fortunately, not bikini wax nostalgic, which can be dangerous (or wax the carrot nostalgic, which is just plain rude)) in the commentary section about the greatest movie ever made. Which is, of course, The Poseidon Adventure. (What did you think We were gonna say…Citizen Kane? Some fat guy in black and white…what’s so great about that?) “Just panties…what else do I need?” is, of course, a line of dialog from said film, spoken by The One And Only Stella Stevens, and, as such, would seem to violate the Eric’s Daily Horoscope time-honored tradition of using song lyrics as the subject line. But au contraire mon frère Frigidaire Sonny and Cher, it is ALSO a song lyric, courtesy of Our Chicagogonian friends who created Poseidon! An Upside-Down Musical. Herewith is a video for said song, which is safe for work, as long as “panties” are safe at your work (and, if not, what are you doing at work on Sunday with no panties on? Slut.)):

(There. Now wasn’t THAT a d@mn sight better than church? At any rate, if it hadn’t occurred to Us to point this out to all y’all, you’d have totally missed out on it if you don’t also at least read the commentary section. H3ll, We were sure that, by this point, y’all would be commenting up a storm and talking amongst yourselves. (Or maybe you ARE, and you’re doing it all behind Our back(s)…after all, it’s not paranoia if they ARE all out to get you.))


(Speaking of fillums, We fell asleep last night in the middle of (500) Days of Summer , in which Joseph Gordon Levitt, whom We usually love, has a really boring affair with some dull chick which is told totally out of chronological order. Which might be interesting if said affair lasted, say, two weeks, but it lasted for the titular (heh…We love that word) 500 days, and the time-jumps were indicated by on-screen titles: Day 379…Day 12…Day 351…wait, was that third scene before or after the first one???...so You never really knew (or, after a while, cared) where You were.)


(This little impromptu nappy-poo toodle-oo Kalamazoo may have impacted Our sleep during the night, when We kept being awakened by bizarre dreams. In the first, We were able to fly. Not the usual dream, wherein One flies like Superman, but instead with giant wings sticking out of Our back. The Sainted Mother was beginning to get annoyed with Us flying around the house, so she promised to take Us outside for flying lessons. But she made it very clear that We could only fly ten times a day. Although she never explained what would happen if We tried to fly eleven.)


(In the next dream, We were sleeping, for some reason, on a cot at the EAC. (This dream, no doubt, was a flash-forward to Our eventual homelessness.) It seemed like a perfectly good idea, until We discovered that a whole lot of people apparently worked the night shift. So We decided that We should probably get dressed (oh, yes, We were nekkid), which would mean retrieving Our clothes from the men’s room, where We had foolishly left them unattended. We woke up from this dream as We picked up Our pants, just knowing that there was no longer a wallet in them.)


(That was 5:30AM. Now it’s 9:30, and We’re finally having coffee. Is some d@mn birthday cake out of the question???)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Touchy? (Touché?)


You? (Moi?)


No way. (Fermez la Bouche, Touché Toupee.)


You may, (Mais oui…(heh. Didn’t see that last one coming, didja? That concludes Our little French lesson for today. We love the French. They invented all the best stuff…mustard, doors, kissing. Toast, dressing, fries. Bread, braids, drains. Horns, connections, the Foreign Legion. Not to mention that cartoon skunk. (No, seriously…don’t mention him. Zey hate zat.)))


however, be a teeny bit moody, cranky or oversensitive -- but certainly not touchy. (Moody, Cranky, Oversensitive, Touchy…these are but a few of the Seven Dwarves in the Snow White remake by Woody Allen.)


Unfortunately, (See, when a sentence starts out like that, ya just know no good can come of it. So let’S just skip to the next one, shall We?)
the rest of the world may not be quite so astute at differentiating between these subtleties.


Be nice, (Also, Be A Clown, Bea Benaderet, Beanie and Cecil.)


(YOU thought We were gonna say “Bea Arthur”. That’ll teach ya to try to predict Us. We haven’t been predicted (or dicted, for that matter) in years.)


even if it's killing you (Softly?)


and brag about your incredible self-control tomorrow. (“Get a load of these Spanx™!” (Or is that not what you meant?))


Talking them into seeing things your way will come easily, but do you really want to win that way? (What kind of @sshole question izzat?)


You can always even things up after dark. (Clearly a lyric from the song “Just Another Smutty Sunday”. Which was, of course, the prequel to “Just Another Manic Monday”. Unfortunately, the sequel, “Just Another Tepid Tuesday” never got written, because nobody could be bothered.)


(Oh, leave Us alone. We didn’t have enough sleep.)


If you know you're not fit for human consumption, (“Not Fit For Human Consumption“, of course, having been Our nickname in high school.)


don't press your luck. (But, more importantly, don’t press your duck. Because We just Googled “pressed duck” on Wikipedia, and EEEUUUWWWWW!!!! Those wacky, zany, madcap Frenchies!)


Get yourself home as soon as possible, get into your jammies and don't answer the phone. (The calls are coming from inside the house!!!)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Pardon me…do you have any Grey Cowgrass?)