C’mon, Baby, let’s do the twist

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  October Threeth, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Karen, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Happy Birthday also to Dawn, who also turns twenty-four today in Phoenix, Arizona.    Which might remind Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age of the Glen Campbell (who?) song, “By the Time I Get To Phoenix”, but which just makes Us want to sing “Phoenix, Arizona” to the tune of “Gary, Indiana” from The Music Man, because it will make Us do funny things with our lips.

(No, seriously…try it and see…”Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona…”  See?  Would We lie to you?)

(We would know We had achieved true synchronicity and that the planets were truly aligned if, at the same moment that Dawn was singing …”Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona…” while actually IN Phoenix, Arizona, Karen, who is actually a singer (not that Dawn is NOT a singer, but Karen is a singer by profession), was also singing …”Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona…” in New York, feeling the funny things it makes One do with One’s lips, and peeing herself a little.)

(Speaking of planets, Uranus.  (No, not really…We just said that because there was urine in the last paragraph. (But speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet again.  (The jury is still out on Goofy.))))

(Is it just Us, or should We be calling The Guinness Book of World Records, as We have just typed “Phoenix, Arizona” the most times successively in any one document not related to the governing body of same?)

And now, before We test Our Gentle Readers’ attention span any further, here is today’s piece de resistance.  This is the reason why several Gentle Readers who perform stand-up comedy were notified of today’s e-pisstle.  This is one of the most amazing pieces of stand-up, nay, THEATRE, that We have ever seen.  Perhaps We are just tardy to the party, and everybody else has already heard of Bo Burnham, but check this out (please note: contains Not Safe For Work language, so either put on your headphones, or turn the sound down and just read his lips (We Our Own Self Personally are all about reading his lips)):

In still other news, speaking of specific Gentle Readers, the following will be of particular interest to Dena, with whom We used to work, who now works for the gummint. (Hi, Dena!) Those of you who have the good fortune to know Us personally know that one of Our many (virtually useless) life skills is Our ability to hold a grudge.  (And, parenthetically (hence the parentheses), why We can never find a job listing in the want ads for a grudgeholder is completely inexplicable to Us.)  You may also know that one of the ways We make ends meet these days (and, when your middle is this big, good luck with making your ends meet (you’re picturing that now, aren’t you?  Sorry.)) is by doing online surveys.

Imagine if you will then Our gleeful surprise when We fired up a survey this morning and the topic turned out to be the EAC (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs…where Dena and I used to work).

We will allow you to use your imaginations as to how they fared on any number of rating scales from one to ten.   And We can neither confirm nor deny that, in dialog boxes where We were asked to enter Our opinion in text, We used not only the word “evil”, but also the word “nefarious”.  (We will confirm, however, that We did NOT use the word “Satan”, but only because it would have been an insult to Satan.)

Meanwhile,  Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

Our celebrity birthday website shows Us, every day, the top forty-eight celebrities having a birthday that day.  We are fairly certain that today wins the “Who The Fuck Is THAT?” award, for, obviously, having the most celebrities that We don’t know who the fuck they are.  So Happy Birthday, Seann William Scott and Chubby Checker, because We know who the fuck you are.

And now, because We have more important things to do than be amusing YouPeople all day, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHated Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)  Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia (and lettuce call your attention to her reference to Uranus…See?  We’re not the only One!):

Greetings Starzina ~

A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.

Perhaps now is a good time to take this into consideration: a fabulously successful entrepreneur and smart person said something interesting: "Having a great idea is overrated: you need great execution." Madame Olivia loves great ideas but one can never overestimate the crucial importance of just doing the thing! Sometimes we strive so hard for novelty or differentness when what is needed is something less glamorous: plugging away.

Dear Aries, we should talk about some challenges that could present themselves. Something might well happen that at first looks a little weird. Chalk it up to the movement of the planets, notably Uranus in Aries! However, if you just wait it out you will discover that this state of affairs will actually lead to a fantastic opportunity.

Word of the hour: connection

Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.

For your next reading, look for an email invitation in a few days from the very busy Madame Olivia!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I like the island Manhattan…smoke on your pipe and put THAT in

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WrenchDay, April 25nd, 2012.  Happy birthday to Our Sistah Asphyxia-8, who turns twenty-four today on Some Island Up North.  Happy Administrative Professionals Sounds Like A Pompously Politically Correct Way To Say “Hookers” Why Not Just Call Them Secretaries Day to all of Our American Cousins.  And Happy Anzac Day to all of Our Friends From The Land Down Under Whose Barbies Are Shrimpy.  We did, We believe, look up what the fuck is Anzac Day once in years past, but clearly We hadn’t a brain cell to spare to recall such useless information, so please don’t imagine that We’re looking it up again.  And Humpy Happ Day to the rest of you.

Is it just Us, or are a lot of things that for months now have been “going to happen sometime in the future” about to happen ALL AT ONCE?  There are just not enough pages in Our calendar.

In other news, when did Blythe Danner become Florence Henderson?

Also, James van der Beek has an ENORMOUS forehead.  Or, as We call it in The Bizness, “fivehead”.

And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

Which is a perfect segue (parenthetically, how preposterous are those Segway™ things?  They actually have policemen on them here in Souf Philly…We could run faster than one of them in heels, with both titz tied behind Our back and Seann William Scott in Our glove compartment…

(Most of you are now busily trying to imagine what exactly “Seann William Scott in Our glove compartment” is a euphemism for..good luck with that.))

…this is a really long segue, no?...

…to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus.  Which you will observe above.  Also, here is the link with which to share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY

And now, the HorrorScope:

Oh. Our. God.  It is Renee Zellweger’s birthday, and no one told Us.  This is just the sort of thing that happens when Blythe Danner is not herself.

Keep your mind on the big picture today (Now THERE’S an idea:  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  The Major Motion Picture! With The Stars Art Carney!  Audrey Meadows!  And Justin Bieber As The Beaver!)

(What the hell just happened?)

— you can’t be bothered with trivialities. (And yet, there is Our life.)

Things are looking good for you, (Honey, there are mirrors in this house.  You can’t fool Us.)

as long as you can avoid the nitty-gritty (And the hokey-pokey.)

and just keep your eyes on the prize.  (There’s a prize?!?)

Lately, establishing communications with a certain someone has proven to be difficult — there’s nothing like a never-ending game of phone tag to rattle your nerves, is there?  (Phone tag is annoying, and We are playing that in one instance.  In other instances, however, you cannot call it “tag” if no one is returning your calls.)

Today, you’ll have to get more creative with your approach.  (Okay.  WWBDD?  (That’s short for “What would Blythe Danner do?”  If she weren’t (subjunctively), ya know, Florence Henderson.))

If your emails go unanswered, how about sending them an online greeting card?  (Why not a Strip-O-Gram™?  They’d probably enjoy ignoring THAT, too.)

(Enjoy your Strip-O-Gram™.)

The personalized approach is always the smarter way to go. (Fine.  Enjoy your Strip-O-Gram™, BITCH.)

If you can appeal to what interests them most, you’re sure to connect and get them to give you some attention.  (The conundrum there is that what interests them most appears to be ignoring Us and giving Us no attention.  You see the dilemma?)

(Apropos of nothing, Dial M For Dilemma is a much more poetic title than Dial M For Murder.  Discuss.)

The lighter side of love should hold immense appeal now — for you and for all those lucky souls encountering you. (Oh, those lucky, lucky souls.)

Have your smile at the ready, and integrate those flirting ways seamlessly into conversation. (Hey, Baby, wanna climb into Our glove compartment?)

(See?  Blythe Danner would never say that.  But that slut of a Florence Henderson…)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.