Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Walter Winchell, August 17, 2011.  Happy Humpback Day to all you whales out there.  And yes, that WAS a fat joke.  Back AWAY from the Twinkies™, Bruce Vilanch!  (Heh.  See what We did there?  That was one of Our famous Multiple Entendres.  (It’s multiple because, in addition to all the other innuendos flying around like Wallendas, this marks the first time in written history that Bruce Vilanch and Walter Winchell are sharing a paragraph. (Next week, We’ll be teaching them to go on the paper. (You didn’t imagine you were going to escape without a poop joke, did you?))))

Meanwhile, if Bruce Vilanch MARRIED Walter Winchell, he’d be Bruce Vilanch-Winchell, which, if you say it aloud, sounds exactly like a knock-knock joke in Early Middle Slovenian.  (You dare not attempt to tell said knock-knock joke in English, because you will break into uncontrollable laughter resulting in unfortunate involuntary excretia when you reach the part where you must say “Bruce Vilanch-Winchell Who?”)

These things go so much better when We don’t plan them ahead of time.

Meanwhile, is Our Sistah Ovella the only one who’s still laughing about “flying around like Wallendas”?

Switching gears, Dears, according to statistics provided by Our trusty Google Bloggoni-O-Meter, Our Very Favorite Random Visitor Of The Week Award goes to the person or persons who arrived here by searching “Chinaman rickshaw cigarette lighter”.  (As always, We are NOT making that up.)  First runner-up is the seeker of “au jus stain”, whom We suspect We disappointed by not being Hints From Hell, Louise. And a tip of the old chapeau-peau to Our one visitor last week from Myanmar, which Google helpfully points out, in parentheses, is the same as Burma.  Not that We still have any idea where the fuck it is, mind you, but welcome, one and all.

So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Now that Himself has dropped out, We have finally learned Our lines, and, We must say, We are feeling like quite the thespian.  We are wearing Birkenstocks, and We may get a cat.  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

On another subject, are you counting down the days until Starzina Does Virgo, or are you just bating your breath?  We guarantee it is going to be like nothing you have ever seen before.  Meanwhile, here is Starzina Does Leo DiCaprio, who is now going to be truly upset to find himself in the same epistle as Bruce Vilanch-Winchell.

Apropos of nothing, the following just crossed what passes for Our mind, so We thought We’d Cher and Sherilyn Fenn:

Bruce Vilanch-Winchell

Runs through the town

Upstairs and downstairs

In his nightgown…

To those of you who are currently viZZZualizing, you’re welcome.  To Leo DiCaprio, We threw Cher and Sherilyn Fenn in there just for you.  You’re also welcome.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Leo DiCaprio starring in Bruce Vilanch-Winchell Goes Nudist.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Your energy is kicking in big-time, and you can’t help but move beyond your normal territory today.  (Perhaps We shall go to Myanmar, now that We’ve been visited by a Myanmartian. (Martian! Martian! Martian!))

(We are fascinated that Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that the first and third “Martian!”s are sentence fragments.  The “Martian!” in the middle, on the other hand, is apparently just fine.  It’s not easy being green.)

See if you can get your friends to help, (Or perhaps take Us to see The Help.)

but don’t feel bad if you have to go it alone.  (If We go to the movies alone, it will be to an entirely different kind of movie.)

Culture clashes do not always have to be negative experiences — sometimes, when you meet up with something that’s foreign to you, you make a wonderful new discovery.  (Especially cuisine-wise.  Giving One to wonder, what’s Myanmartian cuisine like?   And is there a nearby  Myanmarket where We can obtain some?)

(We know what you’re thinking.  (Oh, yes, We do; We’re psychic.)  You’re thinking We’ve lost Our Myanmarbles.)

An extremely easy way to experiment in this direction is to eat out in a restaurant that specializes in a food you’ve never tried or even heard of before. (Lookee here!  Kelli’s psychic, too!  (Of course, We knew that already.  We have crystal balls.))

Today, take a walk on the culinary wild side — you just might discover your new favorite snack!  (Myanmarshmallows?  (Oh, please…like you didn’t see THAT one coming.))

 It time to go exploring!  (Where’s Dora?  (It’s like Where’s Waldo?, except you can get arrested for it.))

Invite your crush and some friends to a new hotspot in your hood, (“In your hood”?  Oh, Kelli, you so gangsta.)

or venture outside of your comfort zone for an exciting quest for fun.  (Myanmargaritas!!!)

Get ready for some action in more ways than one.  (In case anybody didn’t realize, that’s code for buttsecks.  (Didn’t see THAT coming (heh), didja?))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

And I’m like baby, baby, baby, oh

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, March 01, 2011.  Ah, March.  In like a liar, out like a lamp.  March and May are, of course, the only months whose names are words in their own right. (There is, of course, August, also, but the last person who actually used that as a word died in 1986. (Speaking of dead, were We the only One who was unaware that Jane Russell was not already dead?  You could have knocked Us over with a Playtex™ Living Girdle when They announced her death yesterday.  What’d’they do, dig her up to kill her again? (Hollyweird really missed the boat when they didn’t put Miss Russell in a 50s 3-D horror flick entitled Attack of the Playtex™ Living Girdle. Seriously.  Underwear…that’s ALIVE?  Scaaaaaaary, kidz. (We would like to thank all of you collectively for not bringing up the word “jejune” and making a joke about The King’s Speech. Some things are best left to the highly trained professionals.))))

So happy birthday to New Reader Justin, who turns twenty-four today.  (Here at Erix Daily horoscope, We keep turning twenty-four until We get it right.)  New Reader Justin is not, unfortunately, Justin Bieber, whose birthday it also is today.  The Bieber is only turning seventeen today, so it is completely inappropriate for grown folk to be speculating about the existence of his pubic hair until next year at this time. (Please note that when We say “New Reader Justin is, unfortunately, not Justin Bieber…”, We do not mean unfortunately FOR HIM.  (Although One suspects One would eventually adjust, the shock of waking up one morning to discover that One was suddenly Justin Bieber could probably kill a person of the advanced age of twenty-four.  (On the other hand, One would find Oneself in a position uniquely capable of answering the pubic hair question.)) We mean unfortunately for US, because if Justin Bieber were (subjunctively) to suddenly start reading Erix Daily Horoscope, perhaps We, too, could become a WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensation and stop having to worry about where Our next meal was coming from.

We clearly have an archaic version of Micro$oft Weird™, as its spellcheck doesn’t recognize “Bieber” as a word.  (Actually, it doesn’t even recognize “spellcheck”.  Obviously, this version of Micro$oft Weird™ was put out back when they thought computers were just a fad.)  This oversight will be rectumfied in the upcoming Micro$oft Weird™ update, Micro$oft Weird™ AB.  (That’s Micro$oft Weird™ Anno Bieber, for anyone who didn’t see that coming.  (“Anyone who didn’t see that coming” would consist, at this point, of Helen Keller, who was busy reading the waffle iron.  WAAAAAAHHHH!!!))

But let’s get off of Justin Bieber (and give someone else a chance.  (Someone else will most certainly not be Himself, who is still fast abed.  His recurring horrifying jawb dreams have returned, complete with a brand new character so terrifying that said character’s first appearance caused Him to wake up and be afraid to go back to sleep.  Fortunately, when He DID go back to sleep, he immediately had a dream about making a porno movie, which, while certainly very pleasant for HIM, is not something any of the rest of Us need to be viZZZualizing.))  

In the interests of keeping Our Gentle Readers informed, We should point out that it is International Pancake Day, and that the International House of Pancakes is giving out free pancakes (although We’re not sure if they’re giving them out internationally). So, while there is no such thing as a free lunch, there is apparently such a thing as a free breakfast. (There is also such a thing as a free willy, but We promised to get off of Justin Bieber.)

Well.  Having gotten off of Justin Bieber (and having left an exhausted sweaty Bieber weak and begging for more), there appears to be nothing left but to start Today’s Horoscope:

You should find that people are even more supportive than you would have expected today (Firstically, Micro$oft Weird™ is telling Us that “even more supportive” is a colloquialism.  Presumably, it would prefer “supportiver”. A word which has not been uttered since the woefully misguided first draft of the script of Attack of the Playtex™ Living Girdle. (Which was, you will note, before they added the interrobang to the title.  In this particular version, Miss Russell played a nun.  With a speech impediment.  How she became involved with the Living Girdle was never entirely clear.))

— and sometimes, your expectations are quite high!  (We are not expecting.  We are just fat.  Bitch.)

Now is a great time for you to step up and get things done.  (So, in other words, We should Step and Fetch It? (The Lisping Nun version of the script was the first effort to translate the Living Girdle story to the screen.  Prior to that, Rodgers and Hammerstein had been working on a musical stage version, in which Miss Russell’s character wore blackface and performed in a minstrel show.  The only surviving song from this effort, a ballad entitled “Anal Warts”, was later completely rewritten to appear in The Sound of Music as “Edelweiss”. ))

(All of Our gay readers are now singing “Anal warts, anal warts, every morning you greet me…”)

Today, when you are working in a group dynamic, experiment with holding back. (Wow.  That’s a powerful passage, pilgrim.  Too bad we have no fu(king clue what it means.)

(Why are We haunted by the overwhelming feeling that, no matter what We say, all YouPeople are thinking about is Justin Bieber’s pubic hair?)

 Let other people work it out — they can handle things, and you could use a break from the rat race. (Indeed.  Because the rats keep beating Us.  Despite Our having crafted an episode of Erix Daily Horoscope in which Jane Russell appears alongside Justin Bieber, and undergarments abound.  (“Undergarments Abound” was, of course, the original version of the lyric for “Anchors Aweigh”, which ultimately became the official song of the US Navy, replacing The Village People’s “In the Navy”,  which was deemed too controversial.  (Erix Daily Horoscope…it’s edumacational!)))

Your influence is important, (Well, that’s good, because We are certainly under it.)

but people need to notice your absence. (But how can We miss you if you won’t go away?)

If you can’t figure out what to do today, turn on your computer and check the inbox. (It is important to note that Miss Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) is advising Us to turn on Our computer IN A HOROSCOPE THAT CAN ONLY BE READ ON A COMPUTER.  Asshat.)

You may find a sweet, surprising message there (Or an anal wart. It’s six of one, half a dozen of your mother’s Smothers Brothers.)

— likely a new beginning or an important ending. (Indeed.  Because, with the untimely demise of Jane Russell, the lead role in Attack of the Playtex™ Living Girdle! Is up for grabs.  The leading contenders are Jamie Lee Curtis and Whoopi Goldberg.  Assuming, of course, that Whoopi can tear herself away from those commercials about peeing her pants, and Jamie Lee can take a break from her commercials about pooping.  Otherwise, Bruce Vilanch will be rewriting the script as Attack of the Bike™ Living Jockstrap!  to star (you guessed it) Justin Bieber’s pubic hair.)

(Having read ahead to the next sentence, We are going, for the first time in Erix Daily Horoscope history, to let Kelli have the last word):

Either way, it’s for the best.

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.