Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for King Friday The Thirteenth
(Oooooooooooooo!!!
Scaaaaaaaaaarrrrryyyy!!!!) of September, 20THIRTEEN (BOO!) Happy birthday to Michael, who turns
twenty-four today in El Lay, most likely WeHo.
Also, Happy Birthday also to Melanie, who also turns twenty-four today
right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Melanie is a dancer, and a choreographer. She once had the grave misfortune of
choreographing Our fat ass in a show.
(Our ass was significantly less fat at the time. Its dancing skillz, on
the other cheek, were no more madd then than they are now.) In the show in question, We played a stripper
in a gay club. We seem to recall a
striptease routine with a Boy Scout theme, entitled (We shit you not) “Lend A Helping Hand”, in which We wound
up in a G-string pickered all over with Boy Scout merit badges.
Suddenly, coming to see Looking for Uranus: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour doesn’t sound all that bad, does it? We promise to keep Our clothes on the whole
time, We’re wearing 4-inch heels, so there’s not much chance of a dance
breaking out, and We promise there won’t be a Boy Scout for miles. The next show is Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola,
and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:
Also,
tell your friends, etc. We were so
preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We weren’t
quite the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.
(That
paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”. You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”,
didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait whilst
you go back.)
There
is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your
convenience in sharing on that platform.
Speaking
of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with
the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it. So
here ya go:
Meanwhile, on Our way home from Our show last night, We
overheard this from a Real Housewife Of South Philly on her stoop: "He's
so courteous, I could slap him across the face."
And
here is the HorrorScope:
Happy Birthday to Niall Horan of One
Direction. (If you had seen Our show,
you would understand.) Also, Happy
Birthday to Milton Hershey, of Hershey Highway fame. (We’ve no idea what made Us think of the Hershey
Highway in relation to a member of One Direction. Perhaps some Gentle Reader will enlighten Us.)
Meanwhile, after yesterday’s birthday wishes
for Maurice “Thank Heaven For Molesting Little Girls” Chevalier, today
SitOnOurFaceBook is full of pix of Mister Rogers with his King Friday The
Thirteenth puppet. Because it’s really such
a stretch to imagine Mister Rogers with his fist up somebody’s butt. (Heh…”stretch”.) That man even creeped Us out as a child…talk
about your Chester The Molesters.
You need to take things down a notch today (DON’T
YOU TELL US WHAT TO DO!!! YOU ARE NOT
THE BOSS OF US!!!! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!!)
(Heh.)
— though those around you may be speeding up!
(Speed killz. Just so ya know.)
Just remember that you have to take things at
the pace that feels most natural to you, and keep on keeping on. (Actually, that should be “keep calm and
carry on”. Of course, whoever invented
that phrase blithely ignored the fact that “carry on” has two different meanings.)
After getting so much work done recently, (Kiss
Us quick, We’re Joan Rivers.)
you are feeling more grounded (We are a grown-ass
person…We cannot be “grounded” any more than We can be sent to bed without
supper or put in a time-out chair.)
and focused regarding your future than ever
before. (Wait…We have a future now?)
You’re about to ride a serious wave of
positive energy, so hang on! (This is a
surfing metaphor, yes? So (A.) shouldn’t
that be “hang ten” and (2.) who the hell could imagine Us surfing?)
As the petty people squabble over petty
things, (On Petty Coat Junction?)
you’re able to rise above and spend your time
on more productive things. (We are
murder mystery-ing tonight. Having a weekend
job is annoying. It is time to win the
goddamn PowerBall™.)
It’s great to be so goal-oriented at work, (Is
that the same as being goalie-oriented?
(Not that We actually know what a goalie IS, mind you, but We are
imagining some sort of athlete. In some
sort of athletic supporter.)
but romantic matters require a lighter touch
for the time being. (Is it just Us, or
does that sound downright smutty?)
Why push so hard (SMUT!!!)
when you can relax and simply enjoy yourself
— and look fantastic while doing so?
(How kind of you to notice.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
