Hippity, etc.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodFriedEgg, April 6, 2012.  (It is unclear to Us what would make one fried egg better than another, and if you are so kitchen-incompetent that you can make a BAD fried egg, We certainly don’t want to eat at YOUR house, but whatevs.)  Happy GoodFriedEgg.  Also, Happy Belated Holy Thursday.  We had a friend over last night for what We now realize was a celebration of The Last Supper, although, based on the size of Our ass, The Last Supper for Us should have been quite some time ago.  On the other hand, who’s gonna celebrate a holiday called The Last Slim-Fast™?

Also also, Happy Easter in advance.  And Happy Passover to Our Jewish friends.  Easter and Passover seem to be coinciding this year, which makes Us wonder why they don’t coincide every year.  After all, wasn’t Jesus celebrating Passover immediately before his unfortunate brush with the law?  Why does The Church feel the need to do all this hocus-pocus with full moons and whatnot, when all they need to do is say, “When’s Passover?...There’s Easter.”  Boom…done.

Clearly, We would make a most excellent Pope. (We already have the dresses for it. (Is anyone else picturing the current Pope, in his prettiest party dress, saying, “Boom…done”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))

So, other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, what did you think of Dallas?  We have got absolutively nothing, as you can plainly see.  Perhaps if We go now and pick out the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us…

…nope, that didn’t work.

Maybe you should all go watch Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Aries video:

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Here it is again, in case you missed it:

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Before We start telling you the story of how, after The Last Supper, Our phone died, only to rise from the dead in the middle of the night (no, We’re not making that up…Our smart phone is apparently so smart it’s messianic), perhaps We should begin the HorrorScope (there is, presumably, not much call for the word “messianic”, but Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes it all the same.  Good job, Micro$oft Weird™.):

It just occurred to Us that We have jellybeans.  Life is good.

Try to put aside your own needs for one day (That should be simplicity itself…everybody else manages to do it constantly.)

— you can do much more good if you externalize all this energy! (Not if We simultaneously internalize all this inertia.)

(Is anyone else now singing “Accen-tu-ate the Positive”? Just Us?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

(How is it that We have yet to make that saying catch on?)

(Stop trying to make “fetch” happen.)

(Oh, good…not only are We Arguing with Ourself, We’re losing.)

(Is it wrong that We are imagining the porno version, “Stop trying to make “felch” happen”?)

Consider it an investment or something even bigger, (Was that a fat joke?)

and you should do just fine.  (We should do a lot of things.  “Just fine” never seems to be one of them.  “Larry Fine” is, mercifully, another.)

The items you have on your wish list are closer than ever to being yours today, thanks in part to the magnanimous charm you’re displaying. (Ah, yes, the old “magnanimous charm” trick.)

You’re being generous with some powerful people, and they want to return the favor.  (How is it that she manages to make that sound like a threat?)

Graciously accept what they give you, and don’t act as if you think you’re undeserving. (Have you met Us?)

Being unable to accept gifts isn’t a sign of sophistication. (Don’t look a gift whore in the mouth.  (You may, however, look her in the bouche.  But only if it amuses you.))

(Who the hell let Neil Patrick Harris in here?  And why isn’t he naked?)

 It’s a sign that you feel guilty about something — and you have nothing to feel guilty about!  (Certainly not.  It’s not as though We’ve had, say, impure thoughts.)

Today, do something that goes against your nature: Say no. (Oh. My. God.  You’re as bad as that bitch of a Nancy Reagan.  Just say no, THANK YOU.)

You’re operating on information overload — it’s as if everyone wants a piece of you.  (We defy you to show Us ONE PERSON who “wants a piece of” Us.  We’ll wait.)

Save your sanity and bow out of unnecessary social obligations. (Our sanity is ancient history, and we’re much too busy imagining that last sentence  being uttered by Eileen Heckart in The Bad Seed.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

For some it’s pills, for some it’s pot, for some it’s poppers and god-knows-what

                                        

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, April 20, 2011.  Happy birthday to Nima, who turns twenty-four today, and is running around half-nekkid on SitOnMyFaceBook.  Not that We mind, We’re just sayin’.  And, speaking of Half-Nekkid Nima, Happy Hump Day. And and Happy 4/20 to those of you who celebrate such things, and are no doubt baked already.  (Baked and reading Erix Daily Horoscope?  Talk about harshing your buzz.  On the plus side, good thing 4/20 is for grass, not acid.)

Not that We here at Erix Daily Horoscope are in any way advocating drug use.  Nor, on the flip side, are We advocating Miss Nancy Reagan’s plan to “just say ‘no’”.  It’s “just say ‘no, THANK YOU’”, bitch, ain’t’cha got no manners? (Who are We kidding?  Bitch probably never said “thank you” in her damn life.)

So, since We spoke to you last, We have obtained Ourself a phone!  Yes indeedy doo-doo, We have retired the old rotary cell phone that still takes nickels and whose number is BUtterfield-8.  (We have also as of this minute, you will be relieved to hear, retired that joke.  You’re welcome.) We went out and bought Ourself a Smart Phone.  From a homosexual phone salesman, no less.  (By that, We mean, of course, that the salesman was homosexual.  Not that he was selling homosexual phones.  We didn’t inquire into Our phone’s sexuality.  It is probably too smart to tell Us anyway.  Although We bet it’s getting more than We are.  It being so smart and all.  Sigh.)  At any rate, Our phone is so very smart that We have no idea what all very smart things it can do.  The homosexual salesman was trying to tell Us, but then he said, “there’s a nap for that” and We fell asleep.

Shtick around for da jokes.

So that’s really pretty much all We’ve got.  Onward and appward: The HorrorScope:

You need to express yourself as truthfully — and forcefully — as possible today. (Who the fu(k says so?)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Your great energy is just right for thinking for yourself, (Why should We think for Ourself when Our phone is so damn smart? (Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.  (That’s a little post-post-modern humor from a post-post-modern Post-It™ Note.  (You do realize that, in one more generation, that joke will cease to be funny because no one will know what “Yellow Pages™ were.  (Although maybe the phones will remember.  (One wonders if One could make money by having One’s phone go on Jeopardy!))))))

(That’s a sextaparenthetical in mid-sentence, folks.  Do NOT attempt this at home.)

 and you ought to be able to dream up something awesome!  (Mmm-hmm.  Himself had a nightmare last night that was so scary, He was afraid to go back to sleep.  So He got up and told Us all about it.  We will spare you, because it was boring.)

(You’re welcome. Again.  What did you ever do for Us?)

Your role in someone else’s life has been growing steadily, and today it reaches an important turning point.  (Turn left.)

You may feel a growing sense of responsibility toward this person, (What are We, your mother, fu(ker?)

but this feeling will not devolve into a fearful commitment. (A Fearful Commitment being, of course, the title of a depressive volume of poetry We wrote during Our early mid-late adolescence.)

This could be the start of a new direction in the path you’re taking (Turning left will, indeed, have that effect on things. Asshat.)

— perhaps this path will need to widen in order to accommodate the two of you more comfortably. (Was that a fat joke?)

Be prepared to make any necessary adjustments.  (By “necessary adjustments”, she means, of course, “liposuction”.)

Even if your prospects seem as flat as Nebraska’s landscape, (And as tight as Cleopatra’s pussy.  (We have no idea what that meant, but We just thought We’d throw it in there.  A little something for Our str8 boi readers. (Himself got a “belated birthday wishes” message from a  str8 boi reader earlier.  Its heading (as it (subjunctively) were) was “Penis”.  We do so love a str8 boi who enters into the spirit of things.))))

you still have plenty of other social opportunities. (To say nothing of social diseases.)

Pick up the phone (Oh, please.  Our phone is so smart, it picks up its own self.)

and make contact with your people. (Our phone has no doubt already made contact with Our people.  They are probably now Our phone’s people.)

They should appreciate the gesture (We got your “gesture” RIGHT HERE.)

— and might have news to share. (Or, alternatively, news to share with Cher.  Because Our phone can probably do that.  “If Ah could turn back tie-yum…”)

(“There’s a nap for that.”  Heh. We kill Us.)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

She is watching the detectives when they shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 22, 2011.  Happy birthday to George Washington, who cannot tell a lie; he popped Martha’s cherry.  (Or at least that’s what she told him.)  Of course, it is relatively easy not to tell a lie when you are, ya know, dead.  Speaking of iconic historical figures, Mother Nature?  Is cordially invited to give blowjobs to Our pubic lice, but only the ones who have both herpes and gonorrhea with active, pustulent lesions. (In another era, We’d’ve been a renowned poet.  Like, say, Keats, or Shelley.  (In another era than that, We’d’ve been burnt at the stake.  You pays your money, and you takes your chances.))

Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Edgar Allan Poe Jacques Cousteau Marilyn Monroe Don Pardo was submitted by Faithful Reader Dena (hi, Dena!).  On the off chance that We have a Faithful Reader who doesn’t know who Sisyphus is, you will need to Google “who is Sisyphus?” on Wikipedia in order to get the joke.  Alex Trebek, naturally, is laughing already, but then, he’s been laughing ever since “popped Martha’s cherry”.  Alex Trebek is crass.  He is, on the other hand, employed.  If We were (subjunctively) employed, by the T-shirt company of Today’s Pixture, say, We might tell them that they might sell more shirts if they hired more attractive models.  Seriously, what’s up with that double-chin action there?  Is this the president of the company or somefing?   Get some sun, Son.

In still other news, didja hear?  Justin Bieber cut his hair.  So now, a whole lotta lesbians who USED to look like Justin Bieber don’t look like Justin Bieber anymore.  It’s okay, though.  Because now a whole lotta NEW lesbians look like Justin Bieber.  So there’s that.  And, as a lesbian friend of Ours used to say, “Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.”

Speaking of lesbians, We Our Own Self Personally have already been out to shovel the snow.  Surely you don’t imagine that Himself would bestir Himself from his bed to do it?  Too busy dreaming about grand pianos falling into the ocean, that one.  We would worry that he had lost his mind, but that would imply that he had ever found it in the first place.  By the time he actually arises, the damn snow will have no doubt melted, and he will trundle off to WaitStaff rehearsal.  (You DO all have your tickets for Sunday’s show, yes?  We have to pay for Our cat food around here somehow. (No, We don’t have a cat….that was the point. (http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 )

And now, The Horoscope!  (If We (subjunctively) spoke Frawnch, We would imagine that last sentence sounding something like “Apres moi, les Splooge!” (This is why We are categorically barred from EVER speaking Frawnch.  If We so much as contemplate a poodle, they send the Frawnch Foreign Legion after Us.))

It would be remiss of Us not to note at this juncture that “Contemplate A Poodle” was Our nickname in high school.

Les Horoscopes (brought to you by Lays™ potato chips):

(Heh. See what We did there?  Betcha can’t eat Us just once.)

Keep a slower pace today — (Slow and steady wins the racist.)

you need to relax, if possible! (Then random interrobangs would seem to be counterproductive, no?)

Your energy  (Jigga WHAT?)

is better spent on planning and preparing than on acting anyway, (Oh, indeed.  God forbid We’d do any ACTING.)

so it may be a good time for you to work from home.  (We’ve always said, send Us a check every two weeks, and we’ll never bovver anybody again.)

Your instincts may be right (Somehow, We knew that.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— there is something going on around you that you need to investigate further. (Trust Us….there is NOTHING going on.)

(It has just this very minute come to Our attention that today is apparently National Margarita Day.  We pass that on for what it’s worth.  But take it with a grain of salt.  (heh.))

Put on your private detective hat (By that, of course, you mean “deerstalker”, you ignorant illiterate imbecile.  “Private detective hat”, indeed!  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is rolling in his grave.  (That, naturally, is a figure of speech.  They didn’t have designer drugs back in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s day. (That was a little drug culture joke.  For Our Faithful Readers who are part of the drug culture.  Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, of course, We Just Say “No, Thank You” to drugs.  We would NEVER just say “No”, as We were raised properly, with manners, unlike that bitch of a Nancy Reagan.  ‘Just say “No”’, indeed!  Trailer trash.)))

and dig in to uncover the information you need. (There did used to be a time when We actually knew what was going on in here.  Unfortunately, that ship has sailed.)

Look back on some old emails for additional clues. (You mean all those ones that went unanswered?)

Once you get a better handle on what is going on, (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT could happen.)

you’ll be able to see the big picture (Unless, of course Our ass is in the way.)

and decide whether you want to stay involved or not. (We’re not entirely sure We were ever volved in the first place.)

Be comfortable with taking a stand (We’d be much more comfortable taking a nice lie-down.)

— your principles are part of who you are, so protect them.  (To say nothing of Our princessiples.  Which are much LIKE Our principles, except they wear sparkly dresses and tiaras.  And really, isn’t everything just ever-so-much better when One is wearing a tiara? (That would be the seldom-cited “Tiara Princessiple” at work.))

(Hey, if you won’t even return Our phone calls or emails, We imagine you’re hardly likely to go to all the trouble of having involuntary commitment papers drawn up.)

You don’t really care (Why, no.  No, We don’t.)

about what others think of you these days. (Least of all about THAT.)

You may tell folks exactly what’s on your mind, (We would, but it’s a SECWET.  (Actually, We DO know something you don’t know, but if We tell you, We’ll have to kill you, and then there’d be only ONE person reading this.)

and you couldn’t pick a better time to set boundaries. (In just a moment, We’ll show you on the doll where Nancy Reagan touched Us.)

The power is all with you! (And also with you!  Spanx™ be to Gandhi!)

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The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16^th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.