Penn-sylvania SIX FIVE THOUSAND

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadgeTheManicuristMonday, November 25^rd, 2013.   Happy Birthday to OurAuntSandy, who turns twenty-four today.  In Kansas.  In, or at least near, Kansas City, Kansas.  Which is like New York City, New York.  Except that it’s in Kansas.  And partially in Missouri.  Which is very confusing.  So actually, it’s nothing like New York City, New York whatsoever.

(We were about to speculate on why, since Kansas has Kansas City (or at least part of it), and New York has New York City, and even New Jersey has Jersey City, why then does Pennsylvania not have Pennsylvania City, but then We imagined having to fill out forms with “Pennsylvania City, Pennsylvania”,  and We decided We’d rather send the whole fucking thing to Missouri.)

As We may have mentioned before within these e-pisstles, We are seriously geographically challenged.  Which is no wonder, when you consider that, on Our trip to Kansas this summer, We discovered that, actually, sometimes We were in Kansas and sometimes We were in Missouri.  And the ground did not conveniently change from one pastel color to another  to tell Us the difference.  We had lunch in Kansas City the day We left…We’re STILL not entirely sure what state We were in.

Speaking, meanwhile, of New York, New York, Happy Birthday also to Cole, who turns twenty-four up there in The City That Never Sleeps (With Us) today.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Jefrey, and Mark, and ATotallyDifferentSandyWhoIsNotOurAunt, each of whom turns twenty-four today in or near the environs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, plunging Ourselves into a geographic panic attack, Happy Belated Birthday to Nat and Amanda, in Canada and Australia, respectively.  Which, We are informed, are two totally different countries!  Different countries, that is, from each other, AND from this one!  We may have to go lie down…

Speaking of the weekend, We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y 

You’re welcome.

Meanwhile, may We please tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week?  Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Speaking of different countries, it is Ricardo Montalban’s birthday today.  He, of course, is from Fantasy Island.  And speaking of Fantasy Island, it is also Gaspard Ulliel’s birthday.  He is from Frawnce, by way of Heaven.

Your fiery energy is ready for almost anything today (Well, that’s good.  Because We Our Own Self Personally are barely ready for the phrase “your fiery energy”.)

— so get ready for some crazy antics!  (To say nothing of madcap antics!  And zany antics!  And wacky antics!  And lesbian Aztecs!  And Presbyterian fanfic!  And sem antics!)

(Sorry…We lost control for a minute there.)

It’s a good day for you to step up and take charge of a situation that has been going nowhere.  (Why do We feel as though she’s talking about Our life?  Is “nowhere” the same place as “Hell in a handbasket”?)

Today you will have a great chance to turn up the heat in your romantic relationship and make things sizzle like they have never sizzled before!  (Do things sizzle at Denny’s, or only at Sizzler?  Inquiring minds want to know.)

All you have to do is think about what will make your partner smile and then do it ten times bigger than you normally would. (Okay, now, that’s just dirty.)

 If you are not in a romantic relationship right now, you can still make a few changes. (Fine. We’ll switch hands.)

Surprise the people (SURPRISE!!!)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

who are closest to you with your big gestures (Our middle finger is only but so big.)

and elaborate presentations. Whatever you do today, do it big!  (Shouldn’t that be “bigly”?  It’s an adverb, after all.)

(You did all sing “It’s an adverb after all” to the tune of “It’s A Small World After All”, didn’t you?  Because, if not, We’ll wait while you go back…)

You go for both truth and dare today (Because We?  Are a greedy bitch.)

when it comes to romance — you make amazing moves and tell it like it is in the sweetest ways. (You sweet fucker, Betty Crucker.)

It’s a hot way to play, (Not to mention a hard row to ho…)

so make the most of it. (Make the most of it BIGLY.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Fifty million Frenchmen can’t be wrong

                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurgoodMarshall’sDay, July 14, 2011.  We were not even going to epistlize today, as We have about four hundred kabillion and eleventy-twelve things to do, and not an indentured servant in sight to accomplish them for Us, but then We realised that We could not possibly let Bastille Day pass wizzout weeshing ‘Appy Bastille Day to all Our Bastillian friends. (Micro$oft Weird™ appears to be of the opinion that “epistlize” is not a word.  Don’t tell them that in the basement of the Bike Stop.  Saint Paul and the Corinthians will be very upset.  (You got that that was two separate thoughts, right?  We were not implying that you would find Saint Paul and the Corinthians in the basement of the Bike Stop. (It’s Thursday, fercrissakes.  Everybody knows Saint Paul and the Corinthians are at Woody’s on Thursday night.)))

Another reason why We felt compelled to epistle all over you all today is that We just discovered that Everybody’s Favorite Singer-Songwriter  dropped her latest single today, complete with video, and We would have been totally remiss had We (subjunctively) not shared it with you.  So, without further epistling, ladies and genitals, We give you Ms. Brie Feingold-Africa, with her new Number-One-With-A-Bullet single, “Blue-Eyed Neighbor” (it will no doubt annoy her that We  say this, but Ms. Feingold-Africa is work-safe.   (Or at least her song is.)):

(Heh.  We said “Number One”.)

In other video news, here is this, courtesy of OurMizDonna, which also amused Us this morning.  It, too, is work-safe, although they do use the word “uterus” at one point.  Which is hysterical.  (That last bit was a little etymological humor for Our word-nerd readers.  Those of you who don’t get why putting “uterus” and “hysterical” together is, well, hysterical, just go look at the video.  (Please note that We absolve Ourselves from any responsibility for any unexpected excretia you may generate while howling at same.)):

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed64755ab1/her-first-period

Speaking of excretia (as one does), why not pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.  And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend.  Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Andy Dick’s anal probe. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Seize any opportunity that comes your way (We trust you’ve been following along long enough to know this, but, for any newbies, when you see an opportunity, seize it by the knockers.  (We shall eventually be crowned queen of Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School.  (We just pulled President Hayes out of Our proverbial (and ever-expanding) ass…let’s go Google on Wikipedia for a moment…We’ll be right back (or “BRB”, as the kidz say)… turns out, there IS an ACTUAL Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School .  In Youngstown, Ohio.  Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh would anyone live in Ohio?)))

(It occurs to Us that We know nothing whatsoever about your Yankee President Rutherford B. Hayes.  Not only that, We don’t care all that much.  But Millard Fillmore’s mother was black.)

— act on instinct to get ahead. (Oh, please. Do anything you need to to get head.)

Your energy isn’t right for making plans, (Well, you know what They say: it’s best to plan to be laid by mice and men. (Although how the mice fit into the equation, We’re not exactly sure.))

and especially poor for sticking to them, but improvising is your specialty right now.  (Actually, gastroenterology is Our specialty. And yes, that DID come out of Us.)

(Okay, that there?  May have been the most highbrow fart joke ever told.)

Today you should continue to play the game that everyone else has been playing. (With Our luck, it’ll be Chutes and Ladders.)

Sure, it might be a little boring, and it certainly isn’t doing anything to get you closer to your latest goal, but it’s the language everyone is speaking in right now. (If Saint Paul is epistling the Corinthians, is he epistling in rich Corinthian leather, or is he just epistling Dixie? (This may be the only blog on the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz that contained a Ricardo Montalban joke this morning.  And, if there’s a Ricardo Montalban joke, can a Hervé Villechaize joke be far behind?  “Look, Boss!  De plane, de plane!  Who’s on top tonight, Boss?”))

 And if you want to be part of the conversation, you have to speak it, too. (Epistling Esperanto, We are.)

Prove to everyone else what a great player you are. (Or, at the very least, what a great athletic supporter.)

Once you have that credibility, you can start shaking things up.  (Beginning with your booty.)

You need to tell that inner critic to shut up and let you finish. (Shut up and let Us finish.  (How the hell did Gene Shalit get in there, anyway?))

(When’s the last time YOU thought about Gene Shalit?)

Whether you’re setting up your online profile or trying to work up the nerve to ask someone out, remind yourself that you can do it! (Note to Self:  new children’s book: The Little Engine That Really Couldn’t.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.