And MacHeath has got a knife, but not in such an obvious place…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacShe’sAManiacOnTheFloorAndShe’sDancingLikeSheNeverDancedBefore…Sorry…ManicMonday, April 28^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Anne, who turns twenty-four today in Al-t-t-toonaTown.  

Happy Birthday also to Greg, who also turns twenty-four today, in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Christina and Dena, Israel and Letta, and Raechal and OurAmericanCousin Roxane, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend in such disparate locations as MaryLand and Virginia, Greater Bostonia and The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and Jew Nersey and Fran Sancisco, where We hear it’s lovely, but where We also hear that they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.

We would have a little contest to see who could most quickly and correctly match the belated birthday boyz and gurlz with their correct geographic locations, but then We would most likely realize how very few people are paying any attention to Us whatsoever.

For those of you who enjoy Stories In Which We Are Tortured (which is all of you, yes?), We would like to point out that Our next-door neighbor’s kitchen renovation continues apace, for the four hundred and elebenty-twelve-billionth week in a row, with all of the attendant hammering, drilling, and whatnot One could possibly wish to enjoy with One’s morning coffee.  (Said “whatnot” includes, but is not limited to, outbursts of language which would make Us blush (if We were not already a cunning linguist Our Own Self.))

In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lotte Lenya…

In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8^th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10^th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is the birthday of some lovely specimen named Drew Seeley, of whom We have (much like what’s-his-pecs on Friday) never heard.  However, some crafty Googling on Wikipedia has enabled Us to pinpoint the onset of Our disconnect with current pop culture to Our complete ignorance of the entire High School Musical series.  Said ignorance, We hasten to assure you, seems destined to continue unabated, despite the existence in The Universe of Zac Efron’s (circumcised) penis.

In non-penis-related celebrity birthday news, this past weekend marked the birthday of Jack Klugman, which We bring up as an excuse to say, “Hi, Sharon!”

You’re exploring new territory today (Are We spelunking?  Because that sounds like more fun.  (Although “spelunkers have more fun” sounds like a terrible slogan.))

— maybe in the company of coworkers, maybe on your own entirely. (Oh, please.  Do you even need to ask?  We have no cow orkers.  All of Our cows are, sadly, unorked.)

The terrific energy that courses through you as you make discoveries is its own reward!  (Well, it’ll have to be, won’t it?  It’s not like any other rewards are coming along any time soon…)

The ball is totally in your court, (Just the one? Where’s the other one?)

 and you could be nearing the end of the game.  (Well, there’s a cheerful thought.)

Give it your all (Yeah, ya know, We try that…and still We wind up screwed.  Meanwhile, however, much like Ashton Kutcher’s The Butterfly Effect, the fact that We just got screwed has caused Us to refrain from doing A Nice Thing We were gonna do, and…JEEBUS CRIPES, STOP THAT INCESSANT DRILLING, OR WE’RE GONNA COME OVER THERE!)

— holding back now just confuses your teammates and might give your opponents just the opening they’re waiting for.  (Wait…Our opponents are waiting for Our opening?  Since when?)

You don’t want to do that, (Or much of anything else, neither.)

especially when the prize is just within your reach. (That’s whatcha get in CrackerJacks™.)

(What?)

 Most of all, you deserve it — a fact that competitors have to acknowledge.  (So are people who compete on the InterNetz dot.competitors?)

(Sorry.)

Keep up the good work!  (Kiss Our assets!  Also,  Our grits!)

 You know what? (Chicken butt.)

 Things are always, always greener, (It’s not easy being greener.)   

                            

so don’t make a wish. (Ice cream…is a dish…Moss Hart makes…)       

It might come true. (And We wouldn’t want THAT, now would We?)     

Avoid spending too much time lamenting your single status (But We are such a good lamenter…)

 — it’s really a blessing in disguise. (So it looks like a fucking curse, then?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

You don’t realize it, but you’re the envy of all your attached friends.  (Well, sure.  If, by “attached friends”, you mean “conjoined twins”.)

Revel in it, baby!  (Oh, shut up.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout

Greetings, Escalator Reverses Into Cellar---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 28, 2010 (And a very Happy Hump Day to all of Our Happy Humpster Divers, and the great-granddaddy of ‘em all, Herman Humpster. And his brother, of children’s fairy tale fame, Humplestiltskin. To say nothing (no, really) of his other brother, Wee Humpy Humple. Who ran through the town, upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown. Which sounds, to Us, as though he were (subjunctively) doing at least part of this up- and downstairs running in other people’s houses. Which would no doubt be alarming for the occupants of same, should they awaken for a middle-of-the-night wee-wee (wee all the way home) and be startled by a drag queen in a nightgown on their stairs.):


(With important concerns like this to worry Us, however do We keep Our toilet bowl clean between scrubbings?)

(Meanwhile, how much does it tickle Us that, purely by chance, Herman Humpster in the first paragraph is green?)


(In other news, in Our travels yesterday, We found a British five-pence piece. Seriously. How are We ever to get rich if We keep picking fake money from other countries out of the gutter? You will recall that We recently found a Japanese fifty yen piece. At least that has a hole in the middle, so We could wear it as jewelry if We obtain a chain (from that plain in Spain where the rain mainly stays).)


(You WISH you were We, We can tell.)


(In still other other news (yes, ladies and gerbils, the hits just keep on coming), We have finally solved Our befridgedator light bulb problem (We know you were all on tenterhooks), and We are scheduled to march off to the CVS today with the original burned out bulb, the two defective bulbs (complete with packaging and receipt) that they sold Us, and the packaging and receipt from the bulb that worked that We later obtained at the Ack-A-Me. Also An Atty-tude. Wish Us luck. (They will no doubt refund Our money in five-pence pieces.))


(Meanwhile, it appears to have been approximately two weeks (and a trip to the Left Coast) since We have mentioned Our upcoming Really Big Shoe in these pages. So here: the WaitStaff's SItOnMyFaceBook page, which is currently hovering at 403 fans, has officially decided to start spitting out freebies when it reaches 500. Yes, ladies and genitals, some lucky fan will be winning tickets to The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows when Our page hits 500 fans. (Hopefully, this will happen before the show does. Otherwise, your free tickets will have a serious dip in value.) Oh, and for you poor schnooks who need to purchase tickets,  the event page now has ticket-obtaining info (which can be found directly here).


(“But I am already a fan of the WaitStaff on SitOnMyFaceBook!” We hear you cry. “However shall I ensure that they reach 500 fans and I get the chance to win a golden shower…er, ticket?” Ah, Glasshoppah…snatch this pebble from Our snatch, and risten crosery. This would be one of those occasions when you want to share both Eric’s Daily Horoscope and the WaitStaff’s SitOnMyFaceBook page with your friends. And then have them share with their friends. It’s called “viral marketing”, people, unlike Our current growth process, which is called, as near as We can tell, “fungal marketing”. And not any of them new-fangled quick funguses neither… more like that old-fashioned fungus that just sort of sits there under your big toenail and doesn’t really bother anybody unless they have to look at it up close for some reason.)


(Apologies to Our fine-feathered foot-fetishist friends for that last bit. (Is that a WOODY?))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Knowing the difference between dreams and reality (A dream is a wish your heart makes, but reality is on television. Also, ice cream is a dish Moss Hart bakes, but Virginia is for lovers.)


(We have no idea.)


is a big plus down here on planet number three. (Somehow, calling it “planet number three” makes Us just want to go back to bed and stay there. At least if We were Planet Number Two, We could try harder. And, We could make a p00p joke. Of course, We’d also be liquefied by the heat of the sun. Which sounds like a bad thing, until you realize that it would put Us in the same molten pool with Johnny Depp. And what could be better than taking a dip in Johnny Depp’s molten pool?)


(See? We’re a “glass half full” kind of guy. We have no idea where you people get this “negativity” cr@p.)


As you're soon to learn, however, there's also something to be said for the sweetness of fantasies and dreams. (Mmm-hmm. There’s something even more to be said for Johnny Depp’s lava lamp. (You don’t need to think We’re letting go of this metaphor any time soon, because We are SO not.))


Enjoy this brief vacation from the ordinary. (And this ordinary vacation from your briefs. (Hey, if We’re gonna be liquefied, We might as well go commando.))


Much as you'd like to simply let your opponent know in no uncertain terms that they're playing with fire, your innate sense of fairness won't let you do it -- fortunately. (Now, see, that there don’t even make no sense. How would it be unfair to let them know they’re playing with fire? @sshat.)






You've got more ideas than you have time to explain them -- and there's a reason for that. (Yes. And the reason is: people are stupid.)


Easy, now. (Easy-peasy George and Weezy.)


Take a breath and prioritize. (Could We a priori-tize instead? (Unlike Our usual “f@rt-noise-in-Our-armpit” jokes, that was an actual bit of high-brow intellectual Humour, for Our high-brow intellectual readers (both of whom are very nice). The rest of all y’all might wanna go Google “a priori” on Wikipedia to see just how funny We really are.))


(I. Fell. In. To a burning ring of fire…oh, wait; that’s Johnny CASH…eeeuuuwww!)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com/




cowgrass-coated popcorn, p3nis, and a prize…that’s what you get in CowGrassJacks.)

Don’t trust a ho, never trust a ho, won't trust a ho.

Greetings, Exxon Recently Introduced Carbonation---


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, January 28, 2010 (Even though Our days drip one after the other like identical beads of sweat down a h00ker’s @sscr@ck, We are well aware that this is one of Those Thursdays when it should be Friday already. (Parenthetically, how it is that We have yet to be named Poet Laureate is beyond Our ken. (Whoever the h3ll Ken is. We really don’t have time for the anatomically incorrect.))):


(Here is this. It is safe for work. We were going to put it here in its entirety, but it is really long. Naturally, We realize that just about as many of you will click this link as responded to Our request that you help Us out by clicking an ad yesterday, but, hey. We do what We can. http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2010/01/stop-demanding-that-you-get-screwed.html )


(In case you’re wondering where We find some of the delectable tidbits We include here for your pleasurable perusal (including many of the pictures that adorn Our masthead (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us.)), We were introduced to The Wonderful World Of Google Reader™ by OurKevin, which is just one of the many reasons why We love him. Now, We are not going to try to sell anyone on Google…believe Us when We tell you that We do not find it particularly friendly, and many aspects of it are downright counterintuitive (which you would think would be the same thing as counterintelligence, but you would be wrong). However, the ability to tailor-make your own online “magazine” of columns you want to read on a regular basis (Eric’s Daily Horoscope leaps to mind as an example) is a beautiful thing. (Also a beautiful thing is how OurShaun manages to have Our scribblings emailed to him as they are published, all the way over in London. England. Which is across the Atlantic. Ocean. We can only imagine a Seahorse Pony Express that traverses the WorldWideInterWebNetzian tubes on the ocean floor at quite a gallop to make that little bit of magic Johnson…er, happen. (How’d that Johnson get in there, Howard?)))


(We ended that last paragraph with a creative burst of existential humor because We feared it may have been becoming a leetle too technical for all y’all, what with the seahorses and the tubes and whatnot. Also, We were a little taken aback (which is, oddly, similar to being affronted (Engrish is clazy)) that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t believe in the plural “scribblings”, thereby crushing Our hopes that Bill Gates has Eric’s Daily Horoscope programmed into his Google Reader™.)


(You say “Wh0re!” We say “Scope™!” (In keeping with the “h00ker’s @sscr@ck” theme that We began developing earlier. (Hey, if We can’t be Poet Laureate, perhaps We can snag Ourself a Pulitzer for LitterAtchure. (Those of you who are imagining alternative uses that a wh0re might have for Scope™, please get your minds out of the gutter and attempt to follow the bouncing ballz as We begin Our-O-Scope.))))


The Full Moon this weekend in your 5th house of fun (Wait a minute…We have FIVE funhouses? What the fu(k are We still doing here then?)


suggests that there is likely to be some kind of tug of war going on in your heart (There is also a three-legged race in Our pants. Or maybe We’re just happy to see you.)


- you have hopes and dreams that you know you have to work hard to make come true. (A dream is a wish your heart makes. Also, ice cream is a dish Moss Hart bakes.)


(You say “non sequitur”; We say “umbrella”.)


But you also wish you could have more fun. (Oh, please. We wish We could have any fun.)


For some, a child/creative project/romance will be demanding your attention (What the fu(k is this, a multiple choice Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)? Jeebus!)


when you know you really ought to be doing what you can to achieve your aims. (Also, to alleviate your alms, to ascribe your arms, and to archive Uranus.)


Also this month, you could find that your wider social circle takes a back seat, (Was that a fat joke? We’re pretty sure that sounded like a fat joke.)


as you focus on one person - most likely a romantic partner or prospect. (Which, We sincerely hope, is different from a prospector. Who, you will recall from cartoons, mostly have dirty beards, funny hats, and a less-than-full complement of teeth. They mostly serve as comic relief, and are completely unsuitable as the aforementioned “romantic partner”, although they may serve as sidekick to same.)


(Did We mention that the “romantic partner” in this particular cartoon is wearing @ssless chaps? (Hey, it’s Our cartoon. (Meanwhile, it was recently brought to Our attention that the phrase “@ssless chaps” is redundant. But that’s kind of okay with Us.)))


Depending on your personal cycles, (Uni? Motor? Menstrual?)


a creative project could be planted now - or come to fruition. (That’s what We need, is a fruity creative project. Quick, get Us six feather boas and a banana daiquiri!)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…manly, yes, but I like it, too.)