Jose Feliciano Navidad

Today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is an encore presentation from well before the Apocalypse.  Enjoy!

There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas

 

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, December 20, 2011. It occurred to Us that We were talking about Ryan Phillippe the other day, and that We couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t be improved by the presence of a picture of Ryan Phillippe and his DSL*, so herewith is a festive holiday example of same. You’re welcome.

 

(The computer geeks are all, “How does Starzina know that Ryan Phillippe has DSL?” Meanwhile, the rest of YouPerverts are all, “Heh-heh-heh.”)

 

We notice that Our naked skimmer whom We pixture nakedly skimming when We mention all of Our naked skimmers has apparently nakedly skimmed right past yesterday’s entry, wherein We mentioned that he is the naked skimmer whom We pixture nakedly skimming when We mention all of Our naked skimmers, and asked him, if he recognized his nakedly skimming self, to nakedly skim Us an email acknowledging same.

 

Ryan Phillippe’s DSL. Heh…We kill Us.

 

In the meantime, you could go watch this. If you haven’t already. And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping. And you drool. And not in a cute way.

 

 

 

You could also share it with your friends. It’s the least you could do. No, really, the very least. Considering all We do for you:

 

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

 

And now, We continue to be fixated by Ryan Phillippe’s DSL. Some of the rest of you may prefer to nakedly skim along to the HorrorScope. (We’re picturing you doing that, just so you know.):

 

Things are going totally wrong for you today (Well, don’t sugarcoat it or anything.)

 

— but that’s not such a bad thing, actually! (How is “totally wrong” not a bad thing?)

 

Everyone needs some down time now and then, (We won’t be seeing “down time” for a good forty-eight hours.)

 

and this is the universe’s way of telling you to chill out. (Meanwhile, THIS is Our way of telling The Universe to go fuck itself.)

 

Positive possibilities are all around you right now, (And yet things are going “totally wrong”? Do you even listen to yourself talk? Asshat.)

 

making today a very good time to initiate any major projects you’ve been pondering. (Even though things are going “totally wrong” and We’re supposed to be having “down time”? Why do We not have this stupid woman’s job?)

 

This could include business deals or personal undertakings. (Or personal undertakers. Of whom, oddly enough, We know one, and he will be at the show tonight. Of course, since everything is going to go “totally wrong”….)

 

If all of the key elements are in place, you should feel free to put your signature on the dotted line with confidence. (Which part of “totally wrong” are We not understanding?)

 

Formal relationships and contractual agreements that you enter into today are poised to really pay off. (We give up.)

 

There could be a good reason you feel uncomfortable about something in your love life. (Not if it involves Ryan Phillippe’s DSL We won’t.)

 

Reconsider a judgment you made about someone recently, and let them know if you change your mind. (The last time We changed Our mind We wound up with two fives and a ten. (Ba-DUMP-bump.))

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

 

It was sad when the great ship went down (to the bottom of the)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Sunday, April 15, 2012.  Yesterday, of course, was the 100^th anniversary of the day the Titanic started sinking.  Today is the 100^th anniversary of the day it finished.  (This is why that movie is so long.)  So happy 100^th anniversary of the Titanic going down.

That’s the first time anything’s gone down around here in as long as We can remember.

(Oh, please.  Who didn’t see THAT coming?  Ray Charles and Jose Feliciano sang a song about it to Helen Keller.)

Speaking of Things Nautical And Oceanic, last night, We had a dream about fishing.  Who does that?  (Not “who fishes?”; We Our Own Self Personally know people who fish…but who DREAMS about it?) We don’t recall the exact story of the dream, We mostly remember that We kept winding up with mouthfuls (mouthsful?) of bait.  Which consisted, for the most part, of rancid shrimp.   Which was every bit as disgusting as it sounds.  To the point  that We woke up, got out of bed in the middle of the night, and brushed Our teef.

This is what happens when YouPeople leave Us alone.

In other news, despite yesterday’s  appearance on OurStreetWhereWeLive  of the Inflatable Bouncy House Shaped Like A Birthday Cake, they never got around to playing The Never-Ending CD Of Every Pop Song Of The Moment Being Sung By A Children's Choir.  So there’s that.

Welcome to A Very Special (Almost) All Video E-Dition Of E-Rix Daily Horoscope.  Above, of course, you will find Our Time of the Month Horoscope for Aries, the link for which is here: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Meanwhile, Our very talented friends at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die have reached their initial Kickstarter goal, but please don’t stop donating.  There are only a few more days to go.  Here is the SECOND behind-the-scenes infomercial they made for the project:

Here, in case you missed it last week, is the letter they received from Messrs. Coon and Dibble’s attorney:

To: Messrs.  Alexander Bechtel, Michael Doherty, and Gregory Nix

From: Justin M. Bieber, Esquire, Attorney-at-Law

Re: “Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die”

____________________________________________________

Gentlemen:

On behalf of my clients, Jeffrey P. (aka “Jeff”) Coon and Benjamin W. (aka “Ben”) Dibble (henceforward “The Plaintiffs”), I must express some grave reservations regarding your proposed theatrical entertainment entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die. While it is certainly true that The Plaintiffs are theatre artists like (allegedly) yourselves, and while they do, in fact, possess healthy senses of humor about themselves and their chosen profession, I am sure you will understand that they cannot in good conscience subject themselves to the slings and arrows of any Tom, Dick, or Harry with an axe to grind and a Kickstarter account.  They have reputations to maintain.  Why, Mister Coon is, by his own admission, currently molesting a young altar boy in the Walnut Street Theater’s production of the acclaimed drama, Doubt. And Mister Dibble is, to my own certain knowledge, watching.

That said, I am confident that we can come to some agreement that will allow some form of your endeavor to move forward in a way that will be fiduciarily beneficial to all concerned parties while eliminating any potential embarrassment to The Plaintiffs.

Herewith are a few of the issues we wish to resolve:

1. The Title: This is, to my mind, the thorniest issue.  While the content of your little pageant will be seen only by those misguided enough to purchase tickets, the title Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die will no doubt be bandied about in the public press for several months on end.  We find this completely unacceptable, especially with regard to the negative connotations of the word “Die”.  The following are some alternative title suggestions, all of which have been agreed upon by The Plaintiffs.  Please advise my office as to which one you will be adopting prior to your project moving forward:

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Experience Malaise

Jeff Coon or Ben Dibble Must Have A Hangnail

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Diet

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble’s Excellent Adventure

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad 

Day

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble in Porgy and Bess

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Tie-Dye

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Cure Cancer

You’re A Good Man, Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble, Superstar

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome

If you have no clear preference, it may help you to know that The Plaintiffs strongly favor the last entry.

2. Casting:  It is unclear to us whether it is your intention to portray The Plaintiffs as characters in your little entertainment or not.  If you do intend to have Mister Coon and/or Mister Dibble appear as characters, we must certainly insist on casting approval. Mister Coon and Mister Dibble will agree to play themselves for a sum of not less than twice the LORT-A weekly minimum per performance.  Further, Mister Coon and Mister Dibble will agree to play each other for a sum of not less than quadruple the LORT-A weekly minimum per performance.  It is further understood that, if Mister Coon and Mister Dibble appear in the show, no other actors will be allowed onstage with them.  Please see Appendix A for information regarding hiring specifications for their individual dressers.

It should be unnecessary to point this out, but, for completeness sake, if Mister Coon and Mister Dibble are appearing in the piece, the title must be changed from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome to Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble in Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome, where “Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble” appear in a typeface that is no less than 200% of the size of the other words in the title, and where “Awesome” is either glittered or neon, depending on the medium.

3. Royalties: In addition to royalties for the use of The Plaintiff’s names (please see Schedule B for amounts), the following words and phrases will also require royalty payments (again, please see Schedule B for amounts):

Dibble

Dabble

Dibs

Drab

A little dab’ll do ya

Yabba Dabba Doo

Benjamin

Benjamins

Ben

Bin

Been

Any other form of the verb “to be”

Jeff

Jeffrey

Jefferson

Weezy

Movin’ On Up

East Side

Deluxe Apartment in the Sky

Any word beginning with C (yes, especially that one)

Thank you in advance, gentlemen, for your kind attention to this matter.  The Plaintiffs and I look forward to your cooperation.

Sincerely,

Justin M. Bieber, Esq.

 Here, meanwhile, are several WaitStaff sketches to while away your weekend hours:

Our recent appearance as Joan Rivers, opening the WaitStaff show:

And here We have Rick Santorum on The Dr. Phil Show:

And have We mentioned Our latest video?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Aaaaaannnndddd We’re outie!  Happy weekend!

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Leavin’ on that midnight train to Georgia

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, February 21, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to Katie, who attempted to turn twenty-four over the weekend, when no one was looking.  And Happy Presidents Day to the residents of the USA.  (That’s a little song I just made up there…We are just awash with creativity this morning.  (Well, something’s making Our knickers damp, at any rate.  (We are, as you will have noticed, growing more and more fond of Himself’s “Royal We” usage; in fact, We appear to have adopted it lock, stock, and cracker barrel for Our Very Own Personal use.  (We have no idea what “lock, stock, and cracker barrel” actually means, but We assume (thereby making an ass out of you and Uma Thurman) that it is one of YouYanks’ quaint colloquial sayings. (And god bless Us every one for pulling “colloquial” out of Our cunningly linguistic ass at this hour of the morning. (Meanwhile, dear Micro$oft Weird™, how is it that you imagine “Uma” to be misspelled, but “Thurman” not to be? (Is this in some way related to the episode of American history entitled “Thurman’s march through George Orwell”, or have I got the wrong George on my mind?  (Please note that We take no responsibility whatsoever for any brain damage resulting from reading (or, indeed, nakedly skimming) this paragraph…We are simply attempting to rack up the largest number of parentheticals ever in an introductory paragraph to an Erix Daily Horoscope.  Of course having done so, We have no earthly idea how many parentheses We require to put an end to said paragraph, so here are a bunch of ‘em:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Today’s horoscope is dedicated to any of Our Faithful Readers who have been required to go to their jawbs on this holiday.  Truly, We weep for you.  (Yet another possible reason why Our knickers may be damp. (Oh, dear.  Now you’re picturing Us crying into Our knickers, aren’t you?  Well, at least you think We’re flexible…perhaps We’ll score a pity date.))

Of course, We are well aware that you’ve mainly dropped by to hear all about Our weekend, so that you can feel better by comparison.  Well, besides slaving and toiling at rehearsal for the WaitStaff show (which is this coming Sunday…get your tickets NOW:   http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 ), we watched The Social Network, which is every bit as good as They say it is.  We had been hard-pressed to imagine how they were going to make a subject as dull as the creation of SitOnMyFaceBook at all dramatical, but they certainly did, aided and abetted by the lovely and talented Mister Jesse Eisenberg and whoever it was who played those hottie twins.  Mister Justin Timberlake also turned in a fine performance, although We must say…We have discussed (well, actually, Himself has discussed) Mister Timberlake previously in these pages (which see:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/03/im-bringing-sexy-back.html ), and Our issue with him in this particular fillum was even more pronounced.  To wit, the boi is as GAAAAAYYYY as a three-dollar goose in drag as Charles Nelson Reilly getting fu(ked up the ass with Liberace’s pink aluminum Christmas tree while the cast of Glee sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on a Disney princess float in San Francisco’s Gay Pride Parade.  Seriously.  Not knowing the personal stories of any of the real-life characters from the fillum, We actually thought that Mister Timberlake’s character was hitting on Mister Eisenberg’s character, in addition to trying to do business with him. Imagine Our confusion a few scenes later, when Mister Timberlake’s character appeared at a party with about six babe-a-licious babes of the decidedly female variety draped over each arm.  Did anyone else have this problem, or was it just Us?  (That was not a rhetorical question…if you saw the fillum, please weigh in on Justin Timberlake’s gayness (relative to the position of Uranus).

This looks like a good place for a horoscope:

Now is a great time to get started on anything new. (Also, it is a great time to get started on anything nude.  But then, when isn’t?)

You may want to form a business partnership, (ZZZzzzzzz…..)

 if that’s your thing, (Has anyone actually said “That’s” (or “that’s not”) “my thing” since 1979?  And, if so, did they manage not to pronounce it as “thang”?)

or maybe just launch an initiative to clean out that garage once and for all!  (Oh, see…here at Casa de CrackWhore, We are a step ahead of you, Kelli.  Our garage is every bit as Immaculate as Our Contraption.  And, if you don’t believe Us, We defy you to find it and prove otherwise.  (Find Our Immaculate Garage, that is.  Not Our Immaculate Contraption.  Although Our Contraption is relatively Immaculate, if you can excuse a few cobwebs and dustbunnies.))

You’re good with a crowd.  (Well, of course.  Really, what’s the difference?  An orgy is just a whole bunch of one-night-stands all at the same time.)

You know how to tell jokes, (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.)

shake hands (If ya shake ‘em more than twice, you’re playin’ with ‘em.)

and remember names. (Grover Cleveland.  Jose Feliciano.  Shirley Chisolm.)

(You only WISH you knew how Our brain cells related to one another.)

Today you’ll very likely be doing all three. (Here’s hoping that, by “doing all three”, she’s not referring to Grover Cleveland, Jose Feliciano, and Shirley Chisolm.  (And no, We had not looked ahead when We typed those three names the first time.))

 Even if it feels harder than it looks, (That’s what she said.  (“She” being most emphatically NOT Shirley Chisolm.))

 it’s good to put yourself out there. (Honey, if We get any further Out There, they’re gonna have to send a space probe for Us.  (We’re just gonna put a placeholder here for an “anal space probe” joke.  We’ll come back when We think of it.))

 Don’t overstrain yourself, though. (No worries there.)

Just go out there and trust your natural abilities. (Well, THERE’S a guarantee that whatever it is will end up all fu(ked up, eh?)

You might be surprised (SURPRISE!)

at how much easier it can be when you don’t really make an effort. (No, we are pretty much aware that not making an effort is relatively easy.  No surprise there.)

Some things, you know, are like that!  (Well, doesn’t THAT just clear everything right up?  Especially with the extra added attraction of a gratuitous interrobang.  Asshat.)

Get your body moving and meet some new people — is it yoga? Stamp collecting? Midnight bowling? (Firstly, the only one of those that seems to involve Our body actually moving is yoga.  Sexually, “stamp collecting”?  Serioulsy?  And Thurman, We are hoping that “midnight bowling” is a euphemism.  Also, that We don’t have to rent midnight bowling shoes that have been previously worn by other midnight bowlers.)

*****************************************************************************

The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16^th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.