Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, October
Eightst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four
today in Nawlins. The Big Easy.
Josh is
Our only Gentle Reader celebrating a birthday today (at least as far as
SitOnOurFaceBook would have Us know), which is fitting, because twenty-four is
quite a milestone.
(Did We say “The Big
Easy” yet? Did We make an “easy” joke
with a sexual innuendo? Was it funny?)
Senility is not for pussies.
(Speaking of Nawlins, it just made Thrillist’s
list of the top 18 cities for food in the entire world, which see here: http://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/the-world-s-best-food-cities
)
This just in:
For those of you who are neither Josh, nor in
Nawlins, nor The Big Easy, fear not. No
matter how far removed you are from Josh, his birthday cake, and all other
attendant shenanigantics, We have just
learned that it is National Fluffernutter™ Day!
National Fluffernutter™ Day, people!!!
(We do NOT make this stuff up.)
(Speaking
of planets, Uranus. (No, not really…We
just said that because there was Fluffernutter™ in the preceding story. (Which made Us think, naturally, of Uranus. (But
speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine
that Pluto may be a planet again. (The
jury is still out on Goofy.)))))
Speaking of absolutely nothing that We’ve
spoken of so far, here are thirteen sets of twin male models who are totally
not safe for work. You’re welcome: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/double-the-fun?bftw&utm_term=4ldqpfp#7alark
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here
is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
****************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, it is Matt Damon’s
birthday. In honor of same, this Sarah
Silverman piece from the Jimmy Kimmel show has always made Us laugh:
And here is the companion piece:
You’re torn
between your ambitions and your wildest dreams (Which is better than being torn
between two lovers, feeling like a Foo Fighter.)
(Whatever
that means.)
— but you
may not have to make the choice just yet. (Well, unless one of YouPeople is
surprising Us with a trip to Nawlins, We choose Fluffernutter™.)
Don’t close
any doors, (Well, you know what They say: when Gawd closes a door, go jump out
the window.)
(That’s a terrible thing to say; why do They say
that?)
but try to stay aware of what’s going on
around you. (Sorry…did you say
something?)
(Heh…see
what We did there?)
(That was
that there existential humor.)
(Existential
humor is the kind that’s not funny.)
In a gaggle
of geese, you’re a swan. In a clutch of hens, you’re the head bird. In a flock
of nightingales, you’ve got the sweetest and most powerful voice. (See, all of
that right there is misgrammatically syntaxed…to be lexicographically correct, it’s
“a grabass of gooses”, “a clutch of purses”, and “a Florence of nightingales”. Jeebus.)
(Sometimes,
We are so funny We don’t know what to do with Ourself. (Then We generally go have a wank.))
Yep, you’re
kind of a natural leader type. (And a natural blond, too.)
And right
now, you’ve got just the right inspiration as to where to go and how to get
there. (Unfortunately, We’re already past Our expiration date.)
This
inspiration will turn you into a 100 percent bona fide top bird. (Alright,
enough with this bird motif already.)
So go ahead
and crow until everybody listens. (Jeebus Cripes…another bird? Who the hell are We, Tippi Hedren? (Hi, David!))
Today’s not
the day to aggressively attempt to further your own romantic agenda — if you
do, a real problem could result. (Well, sure…just imagine how hard it is to get
Fluffernutter™ out of satin sheets.)
(You’re
actually imagining that now, aren’t you?
Bless your heart.)
Focus your
energy on others instead, offering a listening ear and a good laugh. (“A
listening ear”? Seriously? Is that like “a looking eye”? “A smelling
nose”? “A pooping anus”? (Oh, sorry…you said a GOOD laugh. Our bad.))
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
