Plucked her eyebrows on the way, shaved her legs and then he was a she

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, April Turdieth, Twenny-Turdteen.  Happy Birthday to Francisco, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  In MaryLand.  And, since We seem to be on a roll (Kaiser? Crescent?) with Our previous geographical dissertation on MaryLand, We reproduce it here again for your edification and literary enjoyment:

(Being the sort of full-service Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that We pride Ourself on being, We rooted through the archives a la a pig rooting for truffles and found Our prior discourse on MaryLand so YouPeople didn’t have to.   Here it is, and you’re welcome:

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.)

In other news, the Tony nominations were announced.  Former As the World Turns star Billy Magnussen was nominated for one.  You have no idea who he is, you say?  Check out about a kabillion pictures of him here: http://mynewplaidpants.blogspot.com/2013/03/gratuitous-billy-magnussen.html?spref=tw Said pictures are NOT safe for work.  Billy gave an interview recently where he talked about how “creative viZZZualization” had contributed to his success.  Yeah, right.  Because looking like that had nothing to do with it.  We’d gaze at Our navel, too, if it were (subjunctively) all up in the middle of abs like that.  Jeebus.

Speaking of “they say the Visible-Penis-Lines are bright on Broadway” (Kiss Us quick, We’re George Benson.  With Robby Benson as The Beaver.), as you can see above (heh), We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays, if Eve Arden were (subjunctively) still alive, she would be a hundred and five today.  But she’s dead.  So she’s not.

You need to take advantage of today’s big opportunity (Well, you know what they say:  big opportunities, big knockers.)

— even if you’re not the one who sees it first. (And what exactly would you have Us do to the person who DID see it first, and who, therefore, assumes it to be THEIR Opportunity With The Big Knockers?)

 Sometimes you’ve got to elbow folks out of the way when you know you’re more deserving!  (And sometimes you’ve got to knee ‘em.  It’s like the commercial says:  sometimes you kick in the nuts, sometimes you don’t.)

Do you think you’re in need of some inspiration in your job or schoolwork?   (“Schoolwork”?  Seriously?)

If your brain just doesn’t seem to be able to concentrate on one thing for more than five minutes,  (Sorry…did you see something?)

(In addition to Seeing What We Just Did There, Helen Keller just fell down.  On Forest Whitaker.  There was sound.)

you don’t need inspiration — you need a vacation.  (Sing it, Sistah!)

You need to slow down.   (Any slower and We’d be going backwards.  Which might have the benefit of confusing people.)

You need to take a walk, (On the wild side?  Can there still be colored girls?  Will they go, “Doo do do, do do, do do do do”?)

put things into perspective, (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)

and get a reality check (Check please!)

about your place in the world. (We try to ask for what We want.  We still don’t get it.  Sigh.)

Trying so hard to keep busy could be a coping device — are you trying to avoid dealing with something?  (There are way too many words in that sentence.  Here is what it sounded like to Us: “Are you too busy coping with trying to avoid dealing with coping with something you’re too busy to deal with coping with that Jack built?”  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Face up to it and move on.  (Alternatively, kick it in the nuts.  Oh, and move on.)

Your unique personality is gaining you notice from a certain cutie. (Despite all evidence to the contrary?)

After all, your essential self is so very attractive!  (Indeed.  On the inside, We look exactly like Billy Magnussen.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Running for the shelter of her Mother’s Little Helper

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?

Ah, ‘tis a grand morning for singin’, innit?  Kiss Us quick, We’re Mick Jagger. (As an aside (parenthetically, that is (hence the parentheses)), We are guessing that “kiss” and “quick” don’t go together in the same sentence with “Mick Jagger”.  (Not that We intend to give that prolonged thought.  (Where’s the mental floss?)))

Ooops…We got so excited singing The Stones that We forgot to say it’s April 9st, 2013, and Happy Birthday to Derek, who turns twenty-four today.  (He won’t get that joke, because he actually DOES.   Turn twenty-four, that is.  We, meanwhile, are wearing underwear that have already turned twenty-four two or three times.  (We really only said that for comic effect.  We’re not actually wearing any underwear at the moment.))

YouPeople love it when We Cher, don’t’cha?  If Ah could turn back tie-yum…

Wow.  Four paragraphs in, and already We’ve had Ben Vereen, Mick Jagger, and Cher.    We’ll take Geriatric Entertainers for $500, Alex.

Suck it, Trebek.

So yesterday, We had Our first sketch comedy class at Drexel.  It was, regrettably, NOT in the old EAC building, which was acquired by Drexel shortly after Our departure, and has now been renovated and reopened.  We were so hoping to see those hellish halls revamped and put to good use after We spent five torturous years wailing and gnashing Our teeth there.  But we have made it Our mission to infiltrate same, and We shall report back when We do.

Speaking of Our colorful past, back in the days of the EAC (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs) , these e-pisstles were just an email that went out to a few hundred of Our nearest and dearest friends.  (We only came to Bloggonia in 2010.)  But, for any of you with an interest in history (how old does it have to be before it’s archaeology?), you can find published dead-tree versions of the years 2004 through 2007 at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/epsingel You can even download e-versions for a mere pittance.  Run, do not walk.

Speaking of Cher and Cher on a bike, here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Hmm.  Hugh Hefner and Jenna Jameson share a birthday.  Somehow, that makes sense to Us.

(Our str8 boi readers are now all amazed and agog that we know who Jenna Jameson is.  You would be surprised what We know, str8 boi readers.  You. Would. Be. Surprised.)

Your ambitions are making life exciting  (How many times must We tell you, that word is spelled “ambitchins”.)

— so indulge them to the hilt!  (Speaking of porn stars…)

Your great energy (Jigga WUT?)

 is perfect for moving forward on your career path, pursuing a romantic target or making great art.  (Yeah.  Making great art.  But, when We’re not doing that, We’re making great dinner theatre.  And, more importantly, making money.)

 Your friends have never been more ardent  (Insert Eve Arden joke here.)

in their devotion to you than they are right now — so it’s time to get together with them and have some fun!  (Okay!  Let’s all get together and sprinkle random exclamation points throughout this horoscope!)

This is a super day (Thanks for asking.)

to go out and do something that involves a lot of physical movement.  (Poop?)

Get everyone together to play ball, go dancing, or even do some bowling!  (There’s another damn exclamation point.  Meanwhile, We can justr imagine trying to get Our friends together to play ball.  We can see them showing up at Our front door now. With commitment papers.  And a straightjacket.)

It won’t matter much what you do, (Ain’t that the truth?)

because it’s really all about who you do it with. (Or to.  Depending on your perspective.)

You will all enjoy more laughter and more bonding today than you have in a while.  (Mmm-hmm.  Because nothing’s funnier than bondage.)

A new method for meeting people is extremely auspicious today.  (Then let’s wait till tomorrow, when it becomes more aubergine.)

Seek out some activity that gets you all riled up  (We can only imagine.)

— maybe a cultural or volunteer event?  (Can there be volunteer firemen?  Firemen are HAWTT.)

Anyone you meet is sure to love your enthusiasm. (Is that an enthusiasm in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

It was fascination, I know

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManicDepressive Monday, January 30, 2012.  We shall just be e-pistling a short e-pissode this morning, as We have A Very E-xciting Day ahead.  Not only are We shooting the Pisces e-pissode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope, We are shooting with A Very Special Guest Star.  We see you shiver with e-nticipation.  But no, We’re not telling!  You’ll just have to wait.  With bated breath.  And baited hookers.

We know We’ve been through the “bated breath” thing before, so there’s no need to go through it again.  And, briLLLLiant though it is, We have no time to further develop the running e-word gag. So:

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

And:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

(We just found out that it’s Christian Bale’s birthday.  Which inspires Us not a whit, a jot, or an iota.  Sigh.)

Try to arrange a meeting today (We already told you:  Shooting.  Very Special Guest Star.  Capricornian Cameraman.  Brilliance and hilarity will ensue. (Who the hell is Sue?))

— your skills are at their peak, (But where are Our pills?)

and you may find that people are more willing to listen to your side.  (Well, good.  Because if they don’t wanna listen to Our side, We’re gonna play ‘em a song on Our ass, and nobody wants THAT.)

Even those who can’t quite understand you are sympathetic.  (Morons.)

 Your ardent curiosity does more than just satisfy your mind — it often inspires others, too. (Eve Arden’s curiosity, on the other hand, inspires no one.  Because she’s dead.)

Share your passion for a certain band, movie, fashion designer, food, magazine or novel with someone else today.  (Way to narrow it down, bee-yotch.)

Preferably, choose someone you’d like to show an intimate side of yourself to. (Yeah.  Because nothing says “intimacy” like telling somebody what magazines you like to read.)

Give them this glimpse into what fires your imagination, (Wait…Our imagination has been fired?  That certainly explains a great deal.)

and you will give them a good idea of the kind of intellectual heat you offer. (Is it the kind that could make toast?  Because, mmmmm, toast.)

In all probability, they will offer to share something with you.  (Of course they will.  People are always sharing with Us.  Share, share, share.  It’s like a fucking horn of plenty around here, with all the damn sharing.)

You make the unreasonable seem like a good idea and, (That’s Us:  Making The Unreasonable Seem Like A Good Idea.  Since 2001.)

on you, whimsy and impulsiveness come off as charming. (Unfortunately, Our whimsy is at the cleaners, and Our impulsiveness doesn’t quite fit right any more.  So good luck with that charming bit.)

 Most people have to work at recapturing playfulness, but you naturally know how to have fun. (Which  is why We have so much of it.  Mixed in with all the sharing.  Lucky, lucky Us.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.